A young bespectacled man named Alfred sat, wearing a face of deep thought. This man was in fact the superpower of the world, the great hero America, and as such many responsibilities fell on his shoulders. He was always having to make decisions, and today he had a particularly difficult one to make – one which had troubled him for a while and caused him a great deal of stress. For all of three minutes.

"I know!" The fair-skinned man exclaimed, jumping from his sit on the cooler. "I'll have a hot-dog and a hamburger!"

And he continued his mental self-praise until that pesky polar bear-loving neighbor of his had to rain on his parade.

"Um, America… aren't you suppose to be on a diet?" The man, who looked a lot like Alfred, spoke tentatively.

"Aren't you suppose to be on a diet, eh?" The American mocked, doing a poor imitation of a Canadian accent, which to Canada must have sounded like Sarah Palin on crack. "Don't worry, I never make poor decisions. I'm America, the hero!"

Canada looked away, his face showing, perhaps, skepticism?

"Besides," America added. "It's my birthday!"

"Oh, is it?" Another party guest asked, seemingly disinterested.

America looked over to the guest, an older man in clothes that seemed far too warm for the July weather. Obviously it was some European (Man those guys are weird!), but could it be he really didn't know of the great America's birthday? That was impossible, it was the most important day of the whole year!

"Hey!" The young nation cried. "What are you even doing here? This is my birthday party! Is it possible that you really don't know what happened on this day?"

Alfred's mouth hung open, but he didn't give the other nation time to reply.

"I'll have you know that some two-hundred… wait- no, wait – yeah. Is that right? Maybe more like two-thousand… In the year one, in Bethlehem, I was born in a manger,"

"Is that so?" The European raised a questioning brow without affect.

America sighed. Obviously those poor centimeter-counting, warm beer drinking commies across the Atlantic didn't have a very good education system. But it wasn't really there fault, was it? After all, not every country could be as great as America.

"America, I don't think-" Canada was commenting, but no one in the circle that had formed around the states (as they referred to America) acknowledged this.

"Then, in fourteen-hundred and ninety-two," Alfred continued, happy to have everyone's attention. " I left my home of Italy, where ever that is, or maybe it was Spain, but aren't those the same place? Anyway, I sailed the ocean blue! To India!"

A dark-haired man with a curl to his left spit out whatever he had been drinking (either tomato juice, or a much needed Bloody-Mary) and turned to look at his right-side-curled counterpart.

"Uh… Spain is…" A man with a tanned complexion and dark hair had raised his finger to object, but never got the words out.

An Asian guest was merely crossing his hands back and forth, mouthing 'no' repeatedly.

"Didn't you say you were from Bethle-" Canada tried to supply, but was once again cut off by America.

"India was a really scary place! It was full of Indians! Luckily, since I'm such a hero, I converted all those savage guys and made them civilized!"

There was then a mutter of 'Oh, God'.

"I don't think the Indians liked the French very much. They had a war or something,"

"Uh, Monsieur America-"

"But what did I care? I was the land of the brave and the home of the free!"

"You mean..." Canada got the impression he should just stop trying.

"But this dude, Leif Ericson, was trying to say he discovered India! Luckily my boss, George Washington-"

Alfred stopped for a moment to going fishing in his pants' pocket. Funny, his pants seemed a bit tighter than they used to. Must be hard to contain my greatness, the nation thought to himself.

"This guy," America held up a shiny piece of copper with pride, "Had to fight a war with him. This was called the Revolutionary War because, since General Washington is so round, as you can see, they had to revolve around each other,"

The blonde was motioning revolutions with his hand as someone remarked 'I'm going to be sick'.

"But isn't that Abra-" An inquisitive European was squinting towards the coin, before he was berated by the United States.

"Would you guys quit interrupting? This is a really important story for me. I don't interrupt Japan when he talks about his founding fathers; Godzilla and Rodan, and I expect you guys to treat me with the same respect. It's about national pride!"

"America, Godzilla didn't actually…" Japan began, but a large hand indicated for him to stop.

"No, no, America is right," Spoke the abnormally large Slavic nation. "It's about national pride, let him continue,"

The rest of the countries sighed, but agreed, knowing the importance of nationalism. Although some of the younger nations had run off to play, or get more food. 'America is stupid!' Sealand had sung as he ran away.

"Well, obviously I won, but I didn't like the Indians… hmm I'm not sure exactly what happened to them, but they all disappeared some time after I won the Korean war in the early eighteenth century. Say, those Chinese guys were rough!"

"But, aru..." The oldest nation cocked his head, but thought that maybe his English just wasn't very good. No one else seemed to mind.

The nations nodded, hoping the story would end soon as they'd promised to endure it.

"But my country wasn't out of the woods yet! I was oppressed, oppressed I tell you by those damned Europeans! Those communist bastards! And not only the Europeans, but Russia and Germany too! Oh, but man, I remember this one boss Germany had, I kicked his ass and was the hero! I did it all single handedly,"

"Nyet-"

The metric-system-using, warm-beer-drinking, bad-song-contest-entering nations of the world looked appalled.

"Hey, where do you get off calling us communists?"

"Do you even know where Europe is?"

A blonde man with a stern face who had been eating a Wurst had curled himself in a ball and was sobbing.

"Hey, Germany," The right-curled man was saying. "Don't worry, America didn't really mean those things,"

"I'm not crying because he called us communists," The man sobbed. "I'm crying because he's… he's such an idiot it makes me sad!"

"Well, when those evil socialists started taxing our tea, I really let them have it!"

The group looked hopeful at where the story was going.

"That's when you had the Boston Tea Party, right?" The pretty girl, Hungary, asked.

"HAHAHAHA!" Alfred began to laugh uncontrollably. Oh man, what a dumb question!

He patted the girl on the back in jest, causing her to flinch and bite her tongue not to get angry.

"Of course not, Austria, tea parties are gay and probably started in Canada or something,"

Hungary moved her mouth to the side. "I'm Hungary,"

"Well help yourself. This is America, we have plenty of food," The American beamed with pride.

"No, I'm Austria," A regal man beckoned his attention.

"Really? You don't sound like it. Say 'the dingo ate my baby'."

The man, Austria, merely stared at him. "No,"

"Anyway, anyway," America shook his hand. "That was a tough time for America, but luckily, when that 'Pip, pip, cheerio' Britain tried his 'taxation without representation' shtick, I was ready!"

America's story kept on for a while, he made grand gestures and drew some charts while his guest groaned, cried, and stifled their laughter/anger.

Just when the sun was setting, that 'Pip, pip, cheerio' guy, Arthur was his name, decided to show up to the party. He had been debating whether or not he should go, as it wasn't exactly his favorite date of the year, but it was already two-thousand and ten, so he thought he should show his modernity and make an appearance. Plus, he liked to experience sunshine at least once a year.

He arrived just in time for the end of America's story.

"That was when Rocky Balboa, the Ital- I mean American stallion, defeated Europe's prime minister, Ivan Drago, and won America's independence on July Fourth, and that's why Americans are so proud of it!"

Arthur could feel his face twitching.

"America?" He asked.

"Oh, England! I didn't think you'd come," America seemed surprised. "What's up?"

"Is that really how you think it happened?"

"Well obviously," America scoffed. "That's exactly how it happened. Why, do you think something different?"

England was about to go into a rant about how bloody retarded the American was, but a sudden thought popped into his head.

With a grin he said; "No, no, that's exactly how it happened. And say, uh, what happened on July Fourth, Seventeen Seventy-Six?"

"Uh…" America thought hard for a moment. "Did the Yankees win the world series?"

England smiled. "Say, America, do you think you could come teach history at my schools?"

"Pshaay," America waved it off as the sound of fireworks were heard. "They don't call me the hero for nothing!"

And the nations of the world watched the fantastic firework show, awing at the sight, and Alfred smiled. He was truly proud to be an American.

A/N: Alright, I'm going to be honest, not all the information in this is factually accurate. That's right, pennies aren't made out of copper anymore.

No, but on a serious note, there are so many Americans who don't know their own history, and it's a pretty sad thing. So if you know someone like this, please beat them with a history book, or a globe or something. It's for national pride!

Disclaimer; Don't own.