Title: A Truly Twisted Tale
Author: Emily Moon
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters except me. Wiley is a real art teacher at my college.
Notes: This is a silly fic. I wrote this for my RL friends and they loved it. My fiction writing teacher loved it, after my friend went behind my back and gave it to him to read. There are some in-jokes here but don't worry about it. I've posted this under one of my former pennames, Dracona Dragillin, awhile ago.
It was a dark and stormy night. The thunder crashed and a bunch of other stuff happened which would have made a great atmosphere if the author wasn't too lazy to write them down. Upon this night, the vampire Angelus awoke from a good dream that unfortunately it didn't involve the author wearing lots of black leather. But soon his good mood faded. Something was missing. No, not Hanson's talent...they never had that in the first place.
He searched high and low thus stooping over and giving the swooning fan girls a great butt-shot and discovered that his most prized possession was missing. Yes, his black leather...clad author...no let's keep my ego down a bit, I don't want my ego to get bigger than...woo! Store that thought under pipe dreams. Big pipe dreams. Where was I? Oh yeah. His black leather pants were missing.
But the vampire Angelus was not stupid...he only acted like it sometimes. With his super vampire senses (do those come with a cape?), he was able to sense that a human had invaded his room.
So Angelus sat down and tried to think what to do next. "Think. Think. Think," he said as he scrunched up his face and tapped his temple with his fingertips, kinda like Winnie the Pooh. But he could not think because there was a loud clumping (I'm crappy with noise words) in the next room. He ran into the room. Wait a minute! If his pants have been stolen, then he's not wearing any pants. And I don't seem to remember seeing any panty lines through those tight leather pants. Believe me...I looked. OK, let's say that he's wearing a pair of boxers so he doesn't get a chill. You don't think that he's going to wear them for common decency, do you?
That was a weird tangent and one that definitely brought cold shower thoughts to mind. OOOOOkkkkaayyy. So Angelus ran out into the room. There upon the TV was on of the greatest scourges that humankind has ever known. Angelus growled as he realized that the scourge was wearing his leather pants!
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Angelus arrived at the theater. How? Use your imagination, the author is feeling too lazy to come up with a method of transportation. He jumped onto the stage. Remember he was only wearing boxer shorts. Why? Because the mental image makes me all warm and tingly.
He stood on the stage and stared down the scourge. "You have stolen from me," Angelus shouted. But the scourge continued his act and ignored him. "Return to me what is mine or die!"
The scourge threw his head back and laughed. "What can you do to me!?! I am Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dorks...I mean Dance." Michael continued to prance around the stage, like a total ninny.
Angelus merely pulled out a small red marble. You want to know from where? He pulled it out of the same place that Buffy hides her stakes when she wears those tight outfits. Did anybody other than me get some really icky thoughts?
"What is that?" Michael laughed. He then fluttered across the stage like a butterfly or Regis Philbun.
"With this materia, I shall summon the greatest of demons to whoop your butt." I always wanted him to say that.
But Michael just laughed, like the idiot he was, "Ha! I have already defeated Richard Simmons in battle! I fear nothing!"
But Angelus grinned and all of the women (and some of the guys) in the audience swooned. He held the materia high and yelled, "Dark Wiley!"
The earth shook and Michael nearly fell off the stage. Dark mist spewed over the stage. Nice imagery, huh? Out from the mist stepped Wiley the Infamous Art Teacher. Infamous is such a cool word! At his feet were his vast legions of demon squirrels. These were no ordinary squirrels. They had red glowing eyes, vampire fangs, little black leather jackets, and a few of them smelt like cheep beer from the keg party that they just left.
"Wiley!" Michael jumped back, "So we meet again?"
Wiley laughed (a lot of laughing going on around here) "Yes, and once again, I shall defeat you. For you do not know my weakness and never will. You shall never know the meaning of T!" OK, so the dialogue is corny but heck, look what it did for Star Wars!
Wiley raised his hand and the squirrels charged. But they could not reach him because Michael was protected by his anti-squirrel shield. For the next few minutes, there was only the sound of squirrels bouncing off the shield.
"Ha!" Michael was smug and did a little victory prance, "You shall never defeat me and my Feet of Flaming Queens...I mean of Flames."
"You forget Michael. My powers do not only control squirrels!" A small yellow creature with brown stripes ran out of the shadows. "Pika? Pika Chu?" it asked Wiley. But Wiley merely pointed at Michael. "CHU!" it yelled happily. Electricity started to emanate from the creature. The creature focused the electricity and shot a bolt of it straight to a place on Michael that the author won't mention (cuz she doesn't want to be crude but don't worry it hurt him bad!). Michael fell to the floor squealing like a girl.
But the creature continued the attack until there was nothing left but Michael McNuggets and a pair of leather pants. As Wiley and the creature disappeared back into the dark mist, the demon squirrels picked up the Michael McNuggets and took them back to their keg party.
Angelus took his leather pants back and unfortunately put them back on right away. He could have at least waited. He returned home and found a strange note.
"Allo mate! Sorry to have missed you running around in your boxers like a total wanker. But I've gotten a better offer. I've decided to join the author's all male harem. Hope to never see you again. -Spike."
Thus the author lived happily ever after.
Author: Emily Moon
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters except me. Wiley is a real art teacher at my college.
Notes: This is a silly fic. I wrote this for my RL friends and they loved it. My fiction writing teacher loved it, after my friend went behind my back and gave it to him to read. There are some in-jokes here but don't worry about it. I've posted this under one of my former pennames, Dracona Dragillin, awhile ago.
It was a dark and stormy night. The thunder crashed and a bunch of other stuff happened which would have made a great atmosphere if the author wasn't too lazy to write them down. Upon this night, the vampire Angelus awoke from a good dream that unfortunately it didn't involve the author wearing lots of black leather. But soon his good mood faded. Something was missing. No, not Hanson's talent...they never had that in the first place.
He searched high and low thus stooping over and giving the swooning fan girls a great butt-shot and discovered that his most prized possession was missing. Yes, his black leather...clad author...no let's keep my ego down a bit, I don't want my ego to get bigger than...woo! Store that thought under pipe dreams. Big pipe dreams. Where was I? Oh yeah. His black leather pants were missing.
But the vampire Angelus was not stupid...he only acted like it sometimes. With his super vampire senses (do those come with a cape?), he was able to sense that a human had invaded his room.
So Angelus sat down and tried to think what to do next. "Think. Think. Think," he said as he scrunched up his face and tapped his temple with his fingertips, kinda like Winnie the Pooh. But he could not think because there was a loud clumping (I'm crappy with noise words) in the next room. He ran into the room. Wait a minute! If his pants have been stolen, then he's not wearing any pants. And I don't seem to remember seeing any panty lines through those tight leather pants. Believe me...I looked. OK, let's say that he's wearing a pair of boxers so he doesn't get a chill. You don't think that he's going to wear them for common decency, do you?
That was a weird tangent and one that definitely brought cold shower thoughts to mind. OOOOOkkkkaayyy. So Angelus ran out into the room. There upon the TV was on of the greatest scourges that humankind has ever known. Angelus growled as he realized that the scourge was wearing his leather pants!
------------------------------------------------------------
Angelus arrived at the theater. How? Use your imagination, the author is feeling too lazy to come up with a method of transportation. He jumped onto the stage. Remember he was only wearing boxer shorts. Why? Because the mental image makes me all warm and tingly.
He stood on the stage and stared down the scourge. "You have stolen from me," Angelus shouted. But the scourge continued his act and ignored him. "Return to me what is mine or die!"
The scourge threw his head back and laughed. "What can you do to me!?! I am Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dorks...I mean Dance." Michael continued to prance around the stage, like a total ninny.
Angelus merely pulled out a small red marble. You want to know from where? He pulled it out of the same place that Buffy hides her stakes when she wears those tight outfits. Did anybody other than me get some really icky thoughts?
"What is that?" Michael laughed. He then fluttered across the stage like a butterfly or Regis Philbun.
"With this materia, I shall summon the greatest of demons to whoop your butt." I always wanted him to say that.
But Michael just laughed, like the idiot he was, "Ha! I have already defeated Richard Simmons in battle! I fear nothing!"
But Angelus grinned and all of the women (and some of the guys) in the audience swooned. He held the materia high and yelled, "Dark Wiley!"
The earth shook and Michael nearly fell off the stage. Dark mist spewed over the stage. Nice imagery, huh? Out from the mist stepped Wiley the Infamous Art Teacher. Infamous is such a cool word! At his feet were his vast legions of demon squirrels. These were no ordinary squirrels. They had red glowing eyes, vampire fangs, little black leather jackets, and a few of them smelt like cheep beer from the keg party that they just left.
"Wiley!" Michael jumped back, "So we meet again?"
Wiley laughed (a lot of laughing going on around here) "Yes, and once again, I shall defeat you. For you do not know my weakness and never will. You shall never know the meaning of T!" OK, so the dialogue is corny but heck, look what it did for Star Wars!
Wiley raised his hand and the squirrels charged. But they could not reach him because Michael was protected by his anti-squirrel shield. For the next few minutes, there was only the sound of squirrels bouncing off the shield.
"Ha!" Michael was smug and did a little victory prance, "You shall never defeat me and my Feet of Flaming Queens...I mean of Flames."
"You forget Michael. My powers do not only control squirrels!" A small yellow creature with brown stripes ran out of the shadows. "Pika? Pika Chu?" it asked Wiley. But Wiley merely pointed at Michael. "CHU!" it yelled happily. Electricity started to emanate from the creature. The creature focused the electricity and shot a bolt of it straight to a place on Michael that the author won't mention (cuz she doesn't want to be crude but don't worry it hurt him bad!). Michael fell to the floor squealing like a girl.
But the creature continued the attack until there was nothing left but Michael McNuggets and a pair of leather pants. As Wiley and the creature disappeared back into the dark mist, the demon squirrels picked up the Michael McNuggets and took them back to their keg party.
Angelus took his leather pants back and unfortunately put them back on right away. He could have at least waited. He returned home and found a strange note.
"Allo mate! Sorry to have missed you running around in your boxers like a total wanker. But I've gotten a better offer. I've decided to join the author's all male harem. Hope to never see you again. -Spike."
Thus the author lived happily ever after.