Dearest Rowena,
Please excuse the atrocious penmanship of this letter. I'm writing it in one of those muggle carriages and I could swear that the driver is deliberately going over every single pot-hole in the road. He keeps apologising, but I'm having my doubts about how genuine he is being.
But, I digress. The only reason I'm here at all is because of those quite frankly ridiculous laws about being seen by muggles on a broom. It's not as if they can see anything past their own noses anyway, and when was the last time they caught a real witch or wizard? All they're doing is torturing and killing their own kind.
You see, Rowena? This is why you don't send me off with no work to do. I start thinking. More specifically, I start thinking about how pointless the human race is and how we would all be much better without them. In short, I begin to turn into our dear friend Slytherin, and I'm sure that's something that all of us can do without. I don't know why I agreed to let you talk me into this. I think, if I remember rightly, I was much too exhaused to even consider arguing with you. That's awful, you know, taking advantage of me like that. Damn... that came out wrong... ignore that, if you please. I'm sure you're intelligent enough not to take it the wrong way.
I must say though, it is somewhat relaxing to not have to worry about anything... are you quite sure you can manage the work I left with you? Not that I expect you would contact me if you needed any help with it, I'm just interested.
The owl's name is Tobias, a recent acquisition of mine. He likes grapes.
Hope you are well.
Sincerely,
Godric.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dearest Godric,
Why must you always complain? One would think you would be happy for a break, no less in Cyprus. Helga says she's deadly envious, and though it doesn't seem my cup of tea, I wouldn't say no to a nice break somewhere away from screaming children and steaming potions. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth; it's not every day you get shipped off to some sunny island in the Meditteranean with no work to do. Just relax, and enjoy yourself. And, of course, pick up a young Mrs Gryffindor to stop the rumours about your sexuality spreading like wildfire.
Muggles are renowned, Godric, for their atrocious driving. Honestly, you should have better things to worry about. Like...how much money you have on your person, and how many presents you can bring back. And besides, the Muggles won't notice anything out of the ordinary with you in a carriage. Not only do you risk exposure with a broom, you also risk bruises, and I'm afraid I can't send you any of that fantastic oil the Matron in the Infirmary uses on them. Just be a real man, and deal with it. Look forward to all that sunshine, and those golden sands, and all the alcohol.
Don't you dare blame me for your lack of activity! I told you that this was a work-free break, but that didn't mean you couldn't take a book or something. If I thought one owl could carry it all the way across to you, I'd send you a copy of the newest school letter, just to make sure it's all right. However, those damned printers messed up the order and printed it on the thickest paper possible. And it's three pages long - I didn't realise how much you babbled worthlessly. All I can say is that it's a damned good thing we don't have students any further than Cornwall, I don't think the owls could handle the load. I'm sure you'll find something to do: doesn't Cyprus have ancient tombs and relics? Oh, if they do, you must bring me back something from there!
We were both too exhausted, but as a Lady, I would never consider taking advantage of such a brave knight. Usually, it's the other way around, but I don't see what it matters. Only we shall read these letters, nobody else. I knew what you meant, you sick-minded fool! If you hadn't even mentioned possible misinterpretations, I wouldn't have thought of it. Honestly, what do you take me for? A common whore? I'm not Nancy, for goodness sakes!
Godric, stop worrying. If you carry on, you'll put me out of a job. I'm fine, and keeping up well. In fact, have you got anything else for me to do? I'm rather enjoying the push, keeps me busy. And no, you're right, I wouldn't say if it was too much. You'd probably just receive a hasty letter from Helly, saying I'd been shipped off to the Infirmary or something. But, truly, I'm fine. The school's fine without you; it hasn't yet fallen down.
Enjoy yourself, you lucky sod. We're all well...or, rather, as well as we can be.
Yours always,
Rowena
PS: Tobias also likes fingers, as myself and one of the students noticed. I don't think you're feeding him enough. Please excuse the small blood splatter, that's just my skin being ripped to shreds by a demonic bird. I have got the majority off, but there's still a little bit visible. Perhaps in the sunshine, it'll disappear completely.