Disclaimer: All recognizable Rizzoli & Isles characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners including, but not limited to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro and TNT. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fan fiction story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No financial gain is associated with the publishing of this story. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: The show not only didn't have a Big Gayzzoli Ending, but it moved on waaaay too quickly from Susie's death. So, as samilk11 said on Twitter, someone desperately needed to write a missing couch/ending scene for the episode in which we said goodbye to our favorite criminalist. I hope you like my attempt. –dkc
Grieving Susie
They arrived at Jane's building after a heavy, silent walk from the Dirty Robber. The celebration of Susie's life had been what they all needed in their continued state of shock. Their grief would come later.
"You want something to drink?" Jane kicked off her shoes and made her way toward the fridge.
"Whatever you're having and a bottle of water," Maura casually slipped out of her own shoes and went to the couch.
"How do you know I wasn't grabbing a bottle of water?" Jane's sarcasm was still in tact after a terrible day.
Maura shook her head and softly smiled. Exhaustion was setting in. Crossing her legs, she dropped her head to the back of the couch. Her eyes were closed when the cushion beside her dipped.
"Are you okay?" Jane's voice reflected her tiredness. "I mean..."
"As well as can be expected?" she opened her eyes and reached for the bottle of beer Jane was holding.
"Is it weird that I'm not sad yet?" Jane opened her own beer while pulling her legs up and tucking them beneath her.
"Denial is natural. Everything takes time."
They were again silent. Lost in similar thoughts, neither felt the need to express them.
"She seemed very happy," Jane spoke.
"She was. An unyielding zeal for both life and her work, she had plenty to be happy about," Maura's voiced her observation.
"I saw her with the newbie leaving the building the other night. They seemed," Jane paused to find the best word for it, "cozy."
Maura's facial expression changed briefly, something Jane read as disbelief.
"What? Can't wrap your head around it?" Jane teased.
"There was nothing between them."
"You can't know that," Jane murmured between swigs of her beer.
Maura gave her friend a telling look.
"He's not," Jane quirked an eyebrow. "Did he tell you?"
Of course her newest employee didn't reveal to her something of his personal life. She had simply stumbled across his phone and connected the obvious dots. The man's picture that lit up the screen exuded an intimacy that only lovers show each other.
"Of course not. I'm quite certain I'd be the last person he would confide in about his love life," Maura's voice revealed a sadness.
"You're a good boss, Maur."
When her best friend lacked self-confidence, Jane did everything she could to remedy this. She knew this was about Susie. She knew this was about not going skydiving when asked.
"She admired the hell out of you, you know?" the detective put down her beer, stretched out her legs to rest her feet on the coffee table and placed an arm on the back of the couch as an invitation.
Tears pooled in hazel eyes. She inched closer and curled up against the other woman as if it was the most natural thing for two friends to do.
"I wish I had told her how impressed I was with her."
"She knew."
Looking up at Jane, the M.E.'s eyes were genuinely uncertain.
"How?" she asked.
"Seriously?" Jane turned her body slightly to have the ability to look directly into Maura's eyes. "You don't trust just anyone with your lab. You didn't bat an eye at putting Chang in charge. You didn't double and triple check her work. Remember when she dated that guy in the lab? You never questioned whether she could do her job without distraction. You let her into our world, Maur. She knew you thought highly of her. Trust me."
Tears were falling down reddened cheeks. Maura couldn't dispute this, but that didn't make her feel any better.
"I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, Maur. It's so hard to see these people we work with suddenly gone." Jane felt the warmth of her own tears fall. "But not seeing them every day, not having them there to rely on, that's one thing. If I lost you, it wouldn't be that doing my job was harder. Breathing would be harder. Living would be harder."
They had admitted these truths on far too many nights like this one. After a poorly timed birthday party the night Jane killed Hoyt. On the floor of this very apartment the evening following the memorial service for Barry. Now Susie. Somehow in the times in between they couldn't hold on to this depth of emotion. Maybe they were scared. Maybe life got in the way. Maybe it was easier to stick to what they knew.
Maura wiped the tears from Jane's chin and remained tucked beneath her strong arm.
"Susie once asked if I thought it possible for love to be so deeply held that it might actually be a finding in an autopsy. As if the body retained a scar from love. She asked me this right before I submitted my resignation as Chief M.E."
It was the darkest time in their friendship, a time marked by a single bullet fired from Jane's gun. It caused them both pain at its very mention. And yet the timing of Susie's question wasn't lost on Jane. Their shattered friendship hurt everyone around them, too.
"And do you?" Detective Rizzoli's trademark skepticism had no power over her innate curiosity. "Is it possible?"
"I like to think the people we love leave a mark on us that is greater than our personalities or memories that are extinguished immediately upon death," she tilted her head to the side at the realization she had left her hand at the hollow of Jane's neck after wiping her tears.
"It's never an easy answer with you, is it?" Jane's eyes glistened as she placed her hand atop Maura's, preventing its escape.
"You wouldn't know what to say if I gave you a simple yes or no," the doctor's eyes focused on Jane's, trapping them.
Sneaking a thumb out of the grip Jane had on her hand, Maura began a gentle rhythm on the back of Jane's scarred hand. It was intimate and comforting.
"When they do the y-incision on me, they'll find the mark of you," the detective was now whispering. "Somewhere, somehow."
Dr. Isles' eyes darkened, filled with emotion and adoration of the woman who spoke those brave words. It was unlike Jane to be as sentimental. But underneath the sarcasm and hard exterior, in the safety of the doctor's presence, her best friend could have this side to her.
"When Barry died," Maura continued to gaze into dark brown orbs. "When I found you crying on the floor?"
Jane's subtle nod suggested she understood what Maura was talking about.
"I told you that night that I would never leave you," she turned her hand in Jane's to link their fingers. "I had no way to know if that was true. I still don't. But I know with certainty that wherever I am, you are always with me. A part of you is..."
Maura couldn't bring herself to say the word. Her courage dissipated and she broke eye contact until she heard the gentle, honest word escape Jane's lips.
"Yours."
It wasn't a question; it was a fact.
Maura's eyes lit up and she found herself looking into sincere eyes once again. Here they were again. They'd been here many times before and yet still this moment felt distinctly different.
"Yes," she breathed as she leaned forward and found Jane's lips.
There was no need to be hesitant and pull quickly away. The M.E. was confident that her pressing for more would be well received. And it was.
"Oh," Jane's gasp as their lips finally parted was followed by both of her hands threading into honey locks. "Maura."
Mouths came together again, bodies moving ever closer. Their mutual grief was manifesting in the need for closeness. They had experienced loss before, but had never grieved quite like this.
The kiss was broken by the sob coming from Maura. Tears overtook her. Collapsing against Jane's chest, she let out all of the emotion she had kept contained while they solved the case and celebrated Susie's life.
"It's okay," Jane whispered. "It's going to be okay."
Maura cried until she had nothing left. The exhaustion of all that emotion set in and she couldn't bring herself to lift her head from her friend's chest.
"Let's get you upstairs," Jane pressed a kiss to the crown of Maura's head.
She stood, never letting go of Maura's hand, pulling her up after. Walking a few steps ahead of her friend, Jane couldn't see the range of emotions flitting across Maura's face. The sadness was there, of course, but she was lost in the look of Jane. There was something different about her that she couldn't place.
When they entered the bedroom, Maura went quietly to the en suite where Jane assumed she was changing and preparing for bed. Maura walked out of the en suite sooner than expected as Jane was pulling her own shirt over her head. The lithe detective's back was turned to the doctor so she wasn't exactly revealing herself.
"Jane..." she slowly approached her friend. "You're too skinny."
Exacting hands reached out to trace protruding shoulder blades. The taller woman's involuntary shiver did not go unnoticed.
"Yeah. Since the—" her voice cracked and she found she was unable to speak the word 'baby.' "I've struggled a bit to maintain."
Her breath caught when the doctor's hands slipped lower from where they had been tracing shoulder blades to easily unclasp the only other item Jane was wearing on her top half. Delicate hands slid up, crossing shoulders until they could flip the straps over bony protrusions. The bra fell to the ground without obstruction.
"Maura…" Jane's voice was low and full of emotion.
The doctor leaned forward, resting her forehead against a bare shoulder. Her hands, unable to leave the soft skin of Jane's upper arms, felt like they were being singed.
"I don't want to feel this overwhelming sadness," she whispered against olive skin.
Jane didn't say a word in response. However, her actions were screaming with understanding. She slowly undid her belt, pulling it from the loops. The button was released and the only sound that could be heard came from the small teeth of her zipper. Following the detective's movement, Maura's hands grazed bare skin the full length of Jane's arms until she reached boney hips. Her thumbs slipped beneath the waistband and pulled outward until the pants were able to clear the woman's hips and drop to the ground on their own accord.
While the taller woman wanted to turn around, if no other reason than to see Maura's eyes, to read Maura's eyes, she stood completely still.
"Jane?" her voice was questioning, wondering how this might be seen in the light of a new day, a day that wasn't filled with shock and grief.
At this, the raven-haired woman turned around, standing before her best friend in nothing but her underwear. Her hands tangled in honey locks as she pulled the doctor in for a kiss that did everything it could to soothe her heartache. The kiss continued, tongues taking their time to taste and relish, as Jane's wandering hands roamed over the faux leather that made up the top portion of Maura's dress. Tracing the neckline, the backs of her hands traveled the curves of perfect breasts and felt the hardening taking place beneath the fabric.
Breaking the kiss, Maura took a moment to enjoy the reaction she was having to the scarred hands on her chest. She tilted her head back and a slight moan escaped. Whipping her head forward, she found dark eyes filled with hunger looking at her. She reached behind her back and unzipped her dress, slowly pulling it over her shoulders to reveal bare and obviously aroused breasts.
"God, it feels wrong to feel good right now," Jane groaned as her hands palmed mounds of perfection for the first time.
"We have to live our lives, Jane," Maura's hands grasped those that were delivering such pressure.
"Then what have we been doing?" her voice raspy, her hands trembling. "Is this—"
The doctor cut her off with a fierce kiss. Her usually gentle hands grabbed Jane's hips roughly and pulled them to her. Jane's slight height advantage had the doctor rising on her toes. As she tipped toward the detective, hands left her breasts to steady her. While her disappointment at the loss of contact was immediate, the rush of strong hands on her backside quickly eclipsed it.
"This has to go!" Jane growled as she forced dress the rest of the way over hips and to the floor where it was kicked away.
A slow grinding motion began, separated only by the material of their panties.
"Oh," the smaller woman's moan met air as their mouths parted. "Jane?"
Jane's mumble of something incoherent as she pressed kisses along the doctor's jaw to her ear and then behind it brought a soft chuckle out of Maura. As much as she was enjoying the attention, it wasn't the kind of attention she needed from the woman before her. Capturing the edges of her lace panties, the doctor shimmied them down her legs. She had Jane's undivided attention.
It didn't take long for the two women to move to the bed and begin a rhythm of comfort and pleasure. Once Jane was completely naked, their mutual release came awfully quickly. In different circumstances this might have embarrassed them. But with each other? It seemed like they had been waiting so long, years really, that a quick climax was the only possible way for it to unfold. It was sweaty, it was sensual and more than anything else it was full of love and respect. Their bodies were not foreign to one another in most ways, yet there was an element of discovery emotionally and physically that overwhelmed them both.
"I've never…" Jane's voice was raw. "…after a death, you know?"
Maura's forehead was pressed to the Jane's cheek, her subtle nodding unmistakable like this.
"I think Susie knew before I knew," she whispered in response.
"Knew?" Jane hadn't followed.
"That I was in love with you," there was no hesitation in Maura's voice as she spoke her truth.
Whatever was left of that admission, surprise was not. Jane found herself thinking back to when she had first realized she was in love with her best friend. That she couldn't point to one specific day or event spoke to the kind of relationship she and Maura had. Everything between them developed organically without fanfare. There were moments when what they had was undeniable and louder than usual—Jane's shooting of Paddy, the death of Hoyt—but, for the most part, it was an underlying care and concern for one another that spoke quietly of their love.
"She knew," Maura wanted an explanation when these words tumbled from Jane's lips.
Pulling back just enough to look at the detective, Maura raised an eyebrow and in so doing asked for elaboration without speaking a word.
"One afternoon she caught me watching you in the lab. I don't even know why I was down there, but I'd walked in and you were immersed in something under the microscope. You flipped a few strands of hair out of your way and bit your lip slightly in concentration. I could no longer keep moving. I don't even know how long I was standing there."
Maura wasn't surprised by this; she had caught Jane looking at her before, but she was touched nevertheless.
"Susie walked by and must have seen me. I don't know how long she was watching me watch you."
"Did she say anything?" Maura asked.
"She cleared her throat," Jane smiled at the memory, perhaps a touch embarrassed in retrospect. "And when I looked away from you, she nodded. Just nodded."
A tear escaped Maura's eye and rolled down her cheek. Jane's thumb caught it before it rolled toward the doctor's ear. She pressed a kiss to the pad of the wet thumb and smiled as she settled into Jane's chest, her head nestled beneath a strong chin.
Neither woman spoke nor overanalyzed the silence. They both knew what Susie knew.
-finis-