Merlin watched out over Camelot anxiously. It had been days, nay, weeks since Arthur and his knights had rode to Camlann to wage a battle against Mordred and his men. For many a year, he had dreaded the day in which Arthur would head out, armed with the sword of Excalibur and the Knights of The Round Table to what would be his last battle. Despite all his hopes that his lover had heeded his words and not attacked, he knew in his heart that his lover was gone. He just couldn't admit that to himself. Instead all he could do was go over the last conversation he'd had with Arthur again, and again.
--
"Merlin, my sword!" Arthur demanded from atop his favourite horse, Chestnut. Merlin looked down at the sword in his hand, Excalibur, and frowned. "My sword Merlin, give it to me!" Arthur sounded angered now, he was desperate to ride out and race the enemy, to protect his kingdom. To show that he was indeed, a man not to be messed with... something disproven by his wife Gwen. Sure, the marriage was a sham, one to produce an heir and cover for Arthurs favoured choice of men, but still, there was no need for her to run off with Lancelot when their relationship was secret enough inside the castle walls.
"Sire,"
"Arthur! Call me Arthur Merlin,"
"Arthur, My Lord, please do not go into this battle, I beg of you," Merlin whispered, not quite meeting Arthurs eye, focusing more on gripping the sword in his hand than anything else.
"We have been over this before a-" but the King was interrupted.
"And you never listen to me! Arthur if you go to Camlann and face Mordred, you will die!" Merlin cried his tear filled gaze locking onto Arthur cold, disbelieving one. Arthur frowned and dismounted his horse. He walked over to Merlin and snatched the sword from his hands.
"So the great dragon told you when my father ruled!" he spat, turning on his heel without waiting for a reply.
"What difference does that make...? Arthur, he was right about us, our destiny, being two sides of one coin! What makes you think he wasn't right about this?" Merlin cried, stopping Arthur in his tracks.
"Like I said Merlin, the great dragon... he told you these things when my father ruled. When magic was outlawed and he was chained away... he wanted you to kill Mordred then and there so that the boy would not reveal your true nature to my father, thus securing his own death as well," Arthur stated. He looked over his shoulder at Merlin, a broken man with tears falling freely from swollen eyes, and sobs trembling on his lips.
"Arthur... I believe his words to be true! I can't lose you Sire, not now..." Merlin murmured, voice breaking on the last word. Arthurs hardened defence finally cracked; again he spun on his heel, this time to race back and embraced Merlin. For minutes, Merlin clung to him, sobbing, heaving, letting his fears flood out. Arthur simply held him, kissed his hair, stroked his back. As King, he could not show negative emotion, especially not before going into a battle.
"Merlin, I promise you, I'm not going to die!" He whispered in the crying man's ear.
"You will, and I'll be alone... alone without you, My King, My Arthur, My Lover..." Merlin sobbed.
"We will see each other again Merlin, I know that," Arthur whispered. He tightened his grip and then let Merlin loose. "I have to go now," Merlin wiped his eyes, nodded.
"I know," he whispered, sniffing, attempting a smile. However, his smile, coupled with his tear stained face, made him look even more broken than before.
"I will see you again Merlin, I will!" Arthur said, taking Merlin's left hand in both of his. He kissed Merlin's fingers softly, as Merlin bowed to Arthur, for what he knew to be the last time.
"I love you Arthur," he whispered. Arthur smiled, nodded.
"I love you too," he replied as he again walked away. However, as he went to mount his horse, he stopped, sighed. "Oh hell!" he cried, turning yet again, he raced back to Merlin and pulled him into his arms. He furiously kissed Merlin on the lips, letting passion completely take him over, ignoring the cat calls and whistles of his knights. He needed to say goodbye to the man he loved, just in case... Pulling away finally, he locked eyes with Merlin and whispered "See you soon my love,"
"Goodbye Arthur..." Merlin whispered.
As Arthur rode out of Camelot minutes later, Merlin knew that he would never see his King again.
--
"Merlin?" A voice broke the barrier of Merlin's thoughts. Slightly dazed, he turned and was meet with the sight of a bruised and bloody Sir Galahad. All it took was this one look to know. To know that his King had died. To know that the great dragon's warning had been true. To know that he would never see his Arthur again.
"He's... dead, isn't he?" he whispered. Sir Galahad simply nodded. Merlin sank to his knees and curled up on the stone floor. All he could do was lie there... his grief too strong for tears. He was numb, almost dead himself. So numb in fact, that he almost missed what Sir Galahad said before he left.
"His last words... they were of you, and how much he loved you,"
--
All was finally quite in Camlann. The hard fought battle was over. Mordred and his men lay dead. Most of Arthurs knights too, lay slain. The rest, gravely injured. The rest included their King, Arthur.
"Sire? Sire! You must get up!" Sir Galahad begged his fallen King after finding his crippled and bleeding form by the body of Mordred.
"I cannot Galahad... I am dying," Arthur whispered, each word ripping a fresh pain through his wounded chest.
"No! Arthur, My Lord, if I got you back to Camelot, to Merlin, he could-" Sir Galahad begged as he desperately tried to stop Arthur's wound from bleeding.
"It would be too late. I am dying and I know it," Arthur said. He smiled slightly, annoyance filled him. Merlin had been right after all, little bugger! If only he had listened to him! He always listened to Merlin, why now was this any different. Deep down, he knew. He knew that pride had won over love. His pride for his kingdom and his throne had been too great to allow his heart and his head to have any say in the matter.
"You don't know that! You are many things my Lord, but Physician you are not," Sir Galahad said. "The wound, it is not that deep."
"It is fatal Galahad, and I know it. Merlin... he knew... knew that if I faced Mordred I would die," Arthur sighed, the mention of his lover bringing a full smile to his face. "The great dragon told him... but I was unwise enough not to heed his warning. This is my punishment. It is more than I deserve,"
"This is, indeed the end then sire?" Sir Galahad whispered, still refusing to remove pressure from his King's wound.
"For me Galahad. You're wounds are superficial. You will return to Camelot and inform its citizens of my victory here at Camlann, and of my death." Arthur said. Galahad nodded.
"You wish me to inform Merlin as well, don't you sire?" he asked. Arthur gave a small, half hearted laugh.
"Indeed I do. I know Galahad, that this task will be far greater than any I have ever given you, but I assure you, it will be your greatest. Telling a person that the love of their life has died, is the hardest thing in the world to do. I do not envy you," Arthur could see the light now, and he knew his time was at hand. He only wished it was Merlin at his side. It saddened him that he would never see his love again.
"What would you like me to say to him Sire?"
"Tell him... that I love him, more than Camelot, more than myself. Tell him that he is like the air I breathe, he is my sun, my light... my hope. Tell him I will see him again one day, like I promised. Only it will be in death, in Avalon. Tell him I will wait for him forever, and that we will be two sides of one coin once again,"
King Arthur never said another word. Instead, he died right there, in Sir Galahads arms, not but a minute later.
--
"Merlin, this is dark magic you're planning to meddle in... I urge you to change your mind!" William, the current court physician begged. Merlin ignored him and continued to gather ingredients for his spell. "Merlin!"
"What!" Merlin demanded, throwing down his things in anger.
"This is dark magic and-"
"I know it's dark magic William, but I have to see him again, I have to!" Merlin cried, on the verge of tears. "It's not like I'm trying to bring him back!"
"You can do that?" William questioned. Merlin nodded and gathered up his things.
"I can. But I'd have to kill people in order to bring him back. And not just one person. The value of one person does not match the value of another. In order to bring back a king, our king, I'd have to kill 50 people. And... I can't do that. I can't be a killer. Not even for Arthur," Merlin said with a sigh. He wiped away a solitary tear.
"You have killed people before Merlin," William stated with a frown.
"But never in cold blood! I killed those people because they threatened Camelot, they threatened Arthur!" Merlin raged. "Are you honestly telling me that I should kill people in order to bring Arthur back? Innocent people?" William's eyes widened in shock. He shook his head frantically.
"No Merlin, I just didn't realise you could do such things. I was merely interested in the spell," he said. Merlin looked at him for one long second, looked deep into his eyes for a sign that he was lying. He found none.
"I am doing this William. There is nothing you can say or do that will stop me!" Merlin cried, and with that he swept out of the room.
--
Merlin sat alone in the chambers that had once belonged to Arthur and himself, and now only belonged to him. Surrounded by the late Kings possessions only spurred him on. He needed to see Arthur again. He shook violently as he prepared his spell. He had never used such dark magic's. But this spell would allow him to go to Arthur in Avalon, allow him to say goodbye.
Merlin had needed something that belonged to Arthur to ensure it was he, and he alone that he contacted in Avalon. He had chosen the crown Arthur had worn while he was only a young prince. It reminded Merlin of drunken nights, where together they sat in front of the fire, drinking, talking, joking. It was then that Arthur would admit the burden of being crown prince was all but killing him, and that these moments, alone with Merlin, were what he lived for. It was in these moments, that he would jokingly place the crown atop of Merlin's head, and tell him that they should trade places, if only for a day. It was then that Merlin reminded Arthur that, as a servant, he would have to muck out stables, empty chamber pots, clean armour, wake up early... Arthur would stop him at this point, and snatch the crown back with a cocky grin.
Merlin had chosen the crown because of these memories, and these memories alone. Those carefree nights that eventually led to sex and a night cuddled up in bed together, represented everything that was Merlin and Arthur's relationship. Their happiness, eagerness to be with each other, and the easiness of it all.
Merlin placed the crown in the centre of the pentagram he had drawn on the floor and waited. Mere seconds later, he felt his body being thrown forward, yet at the same time, it stayed rooted to the floor. The rush made him feel sick, that is, until his blurred vision cleared and he realised he was in Avalon.
--
"Merlin?" Arthur cried out, shock and disbelief piercing his hope that his lover had indeed joined him in Avalon.
"Arthur!" Merlin replied, smile planted firmly on his face. Arthur rushed at him, arms wide open. But instead of being meet with the soft, sweet smelling skin of his lover, he walked straight trough him.
"Merlin, what's going on? Are you not dead?" Arthur questioned as Merlin appeared in front of him again.
"I performed a spell. I had to say goodbye to you... but I can't appear in corporeal form," he said with a saddened sigh.
"No after-life romps then," Arthur joked as he sat himself down on the soft ground. Merlin laughed.
"No Arthur, I'm sorry," he said.
"No Merlin, I'm sorry, I should have listened to you," Arthur whispered, not longer able to look at Merlin. It pained him too much to do so.
"Yes, you should have!" Merlin joked with a smile. The smile however, suddenly disappeared, replaced in an instance by a face that was a picture of grief and despair. "You died and left me all alone!" Merlin cried, voice breaking, tears forming. Arthur felt a stab of guilt pierce his heart, a stab that was more painful that the fatal wound that had killed him.
"Merlin I-"
"You died and you left me all alone!" Merlin repeated, causing another stab of guilt to pierce Arthurs already aching heart. "I would never do that to you,"
"I know," He muttered, again looking down to avoid looking at Merlin.
"I can't be alone Arthur, I need you... I can't live, I can't breathe! Arthur you can't be dead because I can't be alone!" Merlin whispered. He gulped back the wave of sorrow that was about to hit him "You promised that you wouldn't die, that you wouldn't leave me!" Merlin finally broke with these words, and collapsed onto the floor, sobs clutching at his throat so tight, it was as if a serpent had wrapped itself around his neck.
"I promised you I would see you again though, didn't I?" Arthur whispered in a soothing voice, whishing he could hold Merlin, to stroke his hair like he liked when he was upset. Merlin nodded. "And here you are, with me." Arthur continued.
"I can't be here forever... I have minutes left, if that," Merlin replied. He wiped his eyes and looked up at Arthur. "I only came to say goodbye to you,"
"It doesn't have to be goodbye Merlin... there has to be a way there has-"
"I would have to kill many, many innocent people in order to bring you back." Merlin stated with no emotion. Arthur frowned, his entire face fell.
"Oh..." he whispered, unsure of what to say next.
"People who commit suicide... they are not allowed in Avalon, right?" Merlin whispered.
"Right," Arthur replied sadly. He wasn't clear what was sadder to him... having to live in Avalon for many years without Merlin, or Merlin contemplating suicide.
"So it will be years before I see you again," Merlin replied.
"Should you live a full and healthy life," Arthur said with a sigh.
"I don't want to live a full and happy life! I just want you!" Merlin cried desperately. He reached out for Arthur, desperate to touch him. His hand however, sailed straight through him.
"There has to be a loophole," Arthur said. "Think Arthur, think! You know all there is to know about Avalon! There has to be a ... oh,"
"Oh? Arthur what is it? Is there a way for me to join you?" Merlin asked, fighting back his hope. He couldn't hope, hope only lead to more despair.
"If you were to kill yourself... for a noble cause, you are allowed into Avalon," Arthur said happily.
"I have to noble cause to die for," Merlin said, "Unless love is noble enough? I doubt it is,"
"The love for your king... I'm sure that is noble enough!"
"I cannot risk it Arthur, I cannot... what if... what if I fail, and I don't end up in Avalon? I would never see you again," Merlin asked.
"Then don't risk it... wait, I can wait but a few years to spend eternity without, and so can you! And if you find a way to kill yourself for a noble course in the future, then take it..."
"I will." Merlin whispered with a nod. At the same time he felt a tug similar to the one he had felt when he had first travelled to Avalon. "Arthur, I have to go... I can feel it," Arthur nodded, and furiously fought back the tears that threatened to overtake him.
"I love you Merlin... life in Avalon will be nothing until you return here for real," he whispered.
"I love you too Arthur... I will find a way back to you, I promise," Merlin's words were almost lost as for a second time, he felt his body being thrown forward. Suddenly, he was alone again in his and Arthur's chambers.
As soon as Merlin was gone, Arthur broke down. He collapsed on a heap on the floor in despair. He was dead, leaving Merlin all alone. Something he promised never to do. He knew the intolerable ache wouldn't go away until Merlin joined him once again.