And then came the rain…
I won't cry.
Five year old Remus Lupin lay in bed, fighting back the hot tears that threatened to break loose. The healer busily applied potions and ointments to his wound while his mother wept in the corner.
His father, to whom he had always been the pride and joy of, was standing darkly in the corner, listening as the healer gave his verdict. Remus could never be cured.
I refuse to cry.
Remus lay curled on his bed, his body aching and bruised. He should be used to it by now. He was almost ten, and his father had been bent on the notion that he could beat his abnormality out of him.
As he lay there, cradling his injured arm, he heard again the heated words between his mother and father.
His dear mother. She would never give up hope for him, but as far as his father was concerned he lost his son five years ago.
When his father died, shortly before he was to begin at Hogwarts, he didn't even have to remind himself not to cry. He wrapped an arm around his mother's waist and stood as impassive as ever, not even flinching when the first fall of dirt landed on the coffin.
Even his mother's tears were not numerous.
She wept as he boarded the train to school though. Held him close and whispered in his ear.
"No-one can ever take your heart from you. What's inside is who you are."
Remus stood as tall and proud as he could, smiling at his mother. He felt the prick of tears but blinked them back.
I will not cry.
Remus lay back on the hospital bed as Madam Pomfrey administered her healing prowess on his fresh wounds.
A short distance away his friends stood, concern written over their faces. James looked worried for him, running a hand through his hair in an agitated manner.
Peter looked simply frightened, but Sirius nudged him in the ribs.
Sirius, pale faced but smiling reassuringly at him.
That smile caused his stomach to turn slightly.
In their fifth year Remus didn't feel any need to cry. He had the best friends in the whole world. Even his transformations were easier to bear with his friends beside him.
Though he wasn't as close to Peter, James and Sirius were his lifelines. On the odd occasion he felt left out as Sirius and James were the inseparable duo, but they always welcomed him, always made him feel normal.
Did he imagine those times that Sirius' gaze lingered on him longer than normal? Was the frantic beating of his heart every time Sirius was near simply a reaction to the coming full moon?
Will not cry.
Remus ran outside to the edge of the forest, even though it was past midnight. The darkness didn't frighten him, and there was nothing in the forest that would dare harm him, especially this close to the full moon.
Though they were dangerously close to the surface he pushed the tears aside.
How could Sirius do it to him? Was he nothing more than an amusing toy? Something to be played with, dangled in front of his enemies for pure sport?
Remus heard footsteps and knew Sirius had followed him.
"Remus, wait!"
"No! How could you Sirius! I thought I meant more to you than that."
"You do!" Sirius caught up to him, grabbing him by his wrist to stop his progress.
"You mean more to me than…"
"It's about to pour with rain. Go back to the castle," Remus spat at him, not caring about the hurt expression that flickered over Sirius' face.
"I don't care about the rain."
"You don't care about anything except yourself."
"That's not true. There's something I care about more than I ever thought possible,"
Remus stared at him, barely daring to hope he could mean him.
But then he was left in no doubt as Sirius swept him into his arms and kissed him.
And then came the rain.
They were both drenched within seconds, Sirius' dark hair plastered to his head, Remus white shirt clinging to him, but neither cared. They fell to the muddy ground, clinging to each other desperately. Sirius gave Remus everything he could, grinding into him again and again.
For the first time Remus actually felt like crying, but the joy soaked up any tears before they could fall.
Not going to cry.
Though tears were much harder to restrain as he heard the news. James and Lily dead. Peter dead. Sirius in Azkaban for murder.
A sob threatened to break loose but he fought against it valiantly.
Now there's only me.
Over the years Remus got used to loneliness. Welcomed it, embraced it.
Being alone meant he could never be hurt.
Out of gratitude for everything Dumbledore had done for him in the past, he took a job at Hogwarts.
His first glimpse of Harry made a lump rise in his throat.
So like James.
But he didn't cry.
Though he was shaken to the core at the news that Sirius had escaped from Azkaban, he was more focused on helping Harry through his fears.
If only I'd had someone who cared so much when I was at school.
I did.
Sirius.
Those tears, so close to the surface lately came very close to spilling over as he embraced Sirius.
All those lost years. All that time they could have had together.
Remus didn't care now. All he wanted was to cherish the time they had now.
Can't cry.
Though it was the only thing he wanted to do after just seeing Sirius disappear through the veil.
His body shook with suppressed emotion, his heart was breaking, but he had to remain strong for those around him. There was still work to be done.
It wasn't until much later, as he sat under a tree, hugging his knees to his chest that he felt the tears well up in his eyes.
His grief was beyond words, beyond feeling.
And then came the rain.
He remembered a sweet night long ago, locked in the embrace of the only one he would ever love.
He was grateful for the rain. It hid the tears that finally fell down his cheeks.