Talking and Loving

Author: Well, um, ME!

Disclaimer: Don't own Grey's…but kinda wishin I did right about now…

Rating: T for some language

Summary: Rewrite of the locker room scene between Meredith and Derek in "Didn't we almost have it all." They both really need to learn how to communicate. So here they are FINALLY talking! And all mean all aspects of communicating. The timing. The language. The tone. The part where they actually talk!

This is therapy…pure and simple. I am sooo mad at Meredith and her limitations right now! I can't wait for this last episode's podcast so I can see how Shonda explain what Mer is thinking to me.

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"Meredith…I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you," Derek confessed quietly.

Meredith stood completely still as she tried to absorb all of these perfect things he was saying.

"But you're constantly leaving me…"

The small smile on Meredith's face faded and her eyes darkened.

"You walk away when you want. You come back when you want. Not everyone. Not your friends, but you leave me."

Meredith couldn't have said a word in that moment even if she knew what to say to him.

"So I'm asking you. If you don't see a future for us…if you're not in this…please…please just end it because I can't I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

A part of Meredith—the part that she keeps tucked safely away from the world—wanted to throw her arms around Derek and never let go. But Meredith had learned over the years to seize control of that Meredith and tell her to just shut up.

"I…I-I c-cant. Cr-Cristina's getting getting married," she babbled trying to get out of the conversation. All of her thoughts were on Cristina. If Cristina Yang could get married and settle down, then she could have her knight in shining whatever.

"I have to go make sure she gets married," she babbled as he tried to stop her, "I really need to make sure she gets down that aisle."

Meredith knew he didn't understand why she was talking about her desperate need for Cristina to marry Burke, but she couldn't explain it to him either. She had to leave.

As Meredith turned to leave, he wrapped is left hand around her right arm and firmly pushed her against the locker, "Derek! What are you doing?"

"Tell me you don't love me," he stated. His voice was no longer gentle and coaxing, but swift and determined. He still held on to her arm securely and placed is right hand on the locker next to her head.

"Derek…we can't do this now," she pleaded with him.

"Yeah, there is always a reason for us to not do this, right?" He paused, "Now tell me. If you don't love me, then tell me."

Meredith looked to the floor, shaking her head. Derek didn't make her look at him, which she was grateful for, "I do l-love you…I do."

Derek leaned towards her. His lips were almost touching her temple and her flowery scent surrounded him, "then why do you keep pushing me away?"

He couldn't see her face, but he felt how tense her body was. She shook her head again and he could tell by her breathing that she was close to crying if not already there.

"Are you scared?" he whispered, his hold on her arm loosening a little.

Now she was crying. Damn it. This is not her. She is not the girl that cries when her boyfriend gets all…McDreamy. She tried to pull away again, to get some distance from these new emotions, but he moved is hand from her arm to her waist, holding her close.

"What are you afraid of, Meredith?" He pushed, not willing to back off now that he had broken through some of her walls.

Meredith took a deep breath and she cursed herself for not having control of her own body. What the hell happened to her this week? She was killing fake moms. Freezing on tests. And now she was crying?? Crying! She dug down deep for an emotion she was familiar with and she found it…anger.

Finally Meredith looked up at him and through her shiny green eyes she let him see her anger, "You…I am afraid of you."

"Why?" Derek pressed, removing his hand from the locker to wipe the tears from her flushed cheeks.

"Why? Why! Damn it, Derek!" She finally pushed him away from her because she couldn't yell at him when he was so close. "You say you're in this? I'm the love of your life? That's bullshit! Okay? BULL. SHIT."

Tears were rolling freely down her cheeks now and Derek's eyes started filling up as well.

"I love you. I have always loved you. You knew this…You knew this and still you left. You walked away. Andand I-I took you back because I couldn't stand to do anything else. I couldn't just ignore everything," she forced through her quavering voice.

It was Derek's turn to stand in silence this time.

"You can't leave me? You can't?" she practically yelled. "No," she continued, shaking her head furiously, "You have no right to say that to me because you've done it before. You have. And I want to know how long before you do it again. How long, Derek? Is that what happened with Addison. Did you think that you loved her and suddenly woke up one day to realize that you didn't? Are you going to wake up next week and realize you don't love me?"

At this Derek stepped forward and took hold of her shoulders, "No! That was not the same, Meredith. She was nothing like what I have with you!"

"Did you love her or not?" Meredith barked.

"I thought I did!" Derek replied equally as loud. "But I never felt about her the way I felt about you. Never! We met in school, my family fell in love with her, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. Marriage was the next step. It's what you do. It's what everybody does. I never felt this terrified with her. I loved her, but you…I…When you stopped breathing, I stopped breathing. I realized that day, that I can't live without you. Not like a normal person. And I will take as long as I need to in order to prove that to you. I will always regret that it took leaving, coming back, and almost losing you to realize how much I truly love you. How much I need you."

Meredith looked down at the floor again, "I can't-I can't just stop feeling like…people just keep leaving and if I stop for a minute and let them in…they go away and I can't…"

"I know you can't right now," he finished for her while pulling her into his arms, "but I will work so hard to convince you that I am not going anywhere."

She nodded into his chest. He pulled back to look at her, "But Meredith, I can't do this alone. You have to fight to. You can't just give in to fear. You have to try, okay?"

She sniffled, still annoyed at how whimpy she was, "okay."

"Okay," he agreed and finally closed in for a kiss. They pressed their bodies together and put all their emotions into the kiss; fear, longing, and a desperate need to connect to each other. It felt like they hadn't kissed properly in a long time and only parted when their need for oxygen became too bad to ignore.

They pulled away, panting, "Oh…some one is going to get lucky tonight," Meredith breathed.

"Yeah?" Derek smiled, "anybody I know?"

Meredith stood in his arms, looking up at him with a small smile and sighed.

"Wedding," Derek suddenly said.

"Oh, crap!" Meredith replied rushing to the door with him, "Cristina is going to kill me!"

"We make a really good best maid and man," said Derek.

"What did I tell you? Kind of perfect," finished Meredith.

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Meredith opened the door, submitting to the task at hand. How do you tell people…family that a wedding has been called off?

She caught Derek's eye and he walked up behind her as she turned to face everyone.

"It's over," she said. Her voice was hard and seemingly void of emotion, "You can go home."

Derek reached out and took one of her hands in his. He leaned forward and whispered in her ear, "I'm not going anywhere Meredith."

She turned to look at him, "Promise?"

"Promise," he smiled gently.

"You need to go take care of Cristina?"

She nodded, "Yeah, she ran out of here. I'm going to try their apartment."

"Okay, call me if you can't find her."

"I will." She looked at the crowd of people seemingly frozen in their seats, "care to walk a girl down the aisle?"

He smiled sadly, "Sure."

The End

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Well, it's two in the morning now…I feel a little better. Much longer then I intended. Really wishing that I could have stopped watching after the ferryboat thing and trick myself into thinking there's the happily ever after. Der saved Mer and they get married and have a kid or two and he's chief and the drama is over, but of course I'm addicted.

PLEASE REVIEW!!! REVIEWS MAKE ME WANT TO WRITE!!!! I MAY WRITE ANOTHER FIC SOON!