Disclaimer - Nope, still own nothing. *sigh*

Another huge thank you to Bee, what would I do without the world's best beta?

Laurie-Ylalen, you wanted a John fic, you've got it! This is for you!

This is a bit different from anything I've written before, so feedback is much appreciated!

Opening his eyes, John couldn't help but stare at his ceiling in confusion for a few moments, his brain taking a moment to work out why he was on the Island instead of up in Five. With a sharp intake of breath, the memories came flooding back. The missile... the Hood... trapped... Alan... the Bank... Sitting up so suddenly his back protested at the movement, John found himself breathing heavily, desperately trying to reassure himself that all was well, that the family were all safe and the Hood would never be able to hurt them again.

Swinging his legs somewhat shakily out of bed, John leant forward briefly, trying to calm his erratic heartbeat. As his back protested again, he eventually forced himself to his feet with a sigh. According to Virgil, he was lucky. A somewhat minor burn was situated across the lower part of his back, hence why any movement was proving to be more troublesome than it technically should have been. He had managed to dislocate - and then realign - his own shoulder as well, meaning that Jeff had declared he was placing his second-born on sick leave. Technically, John knew he was well enough – physically at least – to be back on Five, and had even tried telling his father that.

What he couldn't deny, however, was the rush of relief that had hit him the second Jeff had flatly refused. John had always loved the stars: before he could walk and talk he had apparently been watching them, lapping up the tales his father told him about living among them. Since he had started school, it was the only thing he ever had dreamt about. One teacher had commented that the young genius could have any job he wanted within reason, his quick mind making short work of any problem that was put his way. But there had been only one job that John had in mind, and NASA had been more than happy to accept the son of the legendary Jeff Tracy, even if they had firmly insisted that John got in on his own merit. With the setting up of IR, he had everything he had ever wanted. He could live amongst the stars, almost full-time.

But right now, nothing gave John greater nightmares than having to go back to the isolation of his 'bird, cut off from the rest of the family, vulnerable. He knew that Alan had been feeling left out, but at least the family had accepted that and were now doing anything they could in order to try and help their youngest member once more find – and accept – his place, both within the family and within their organisation.

But the same could not be said for his older brother. Oh, John knew his place well enough. Underneath Scott, where he had always been. Scott and Virgil were close to each other, heck, the pair of them could almost read each other's mind. And despite Gordon and Alan drifting apart over the years, there could be no denying that the bond between them was still as strong as ever, even if it was slightly buried these days. But who was it John turned to? They all came to him when they needed him to negotiate peace, translate a language, even help with homework. But who did he go to?

Shuddering slightly, John crossed his room, pulling open his balcony doors and stepping out, his bare feet immediately curling up slightly at the coldness of the floor. Hugging his arms across his chest in order to try and preserve a little warmth against the cool breeze that was wafting teasingly around the island – unusually cool for this time of year - the blond sighed deeply. He knew his place in the organisation as well. Out of the way. Deep in space on his own, where the only contact he had with human kind was the daily report to the rest of his family.

Stepping further out, John rested his elbows lightly on the railings, gazing up into the heavens almost out of instinct rather than any desire to look. He had the map of the solar system imprinted on his mind; he had done since he was about eight. He could name every star, their distances from the earth, everything anyone needed to know, and more. He had to, that was where he lived. Even now, there was some part of him that was longing to be back up there, seeking the solace that he knew waited for him in his 'bird, the steady whirring of the machines blending into the background of his life.

Forcing his eyes from the sky, John let them rest on the ocean instead, the rhythmic movement of the waves immediately drawing him in. He could see what it was that Gordon loved about the ocean. It was one of the few things he had in common with the most energetic Tracy, the appreciation for something natural. Right now, he would rather Gordon's passion than his own. At least Gordon's didn't leave him isolated from the rest of the world. Even gazing at the ocean, however, gave John access to the stars, their reflection winking tauntingly at him.

Turning away, John moved back into his room, adamantly turning his back on the outside world and drawing the door closed behind him, sagging against it with something that could resemble relief when it clicked sharply, signalling that he was safe in his own room again where nothing could touch him. Blinking sharply as tears suddenly swam in his vision, John sat down on the edge of his bed, gripping the sheets tightly in his clenched fists, almost welcoming the pain as his shoulder throbbed its protest.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't return to be the Space Monitor, trapped alone in the sky, having to wait for a rescue that might have never arrived if the missile had struck only a few inches over to one side. Brains had pulled up the footage, analysing the damage. And he had echoed Virgil's previous statement about John being lucky in an almost awe-struck voice, sounding as if he couldn't comprehend how something had come so close to destroying one of his beloved Thunderbirds. Drawing in a sharp breath, John knew that he had to say something to his father, had to let the man know how he was feeling.

There was part of him that knew the rest of the family would be furious with him for feeling as if they had forgotten that he was their brother and son rather than just another member of International Rescue. But for them to be able to pierce him with their wounded looks and hurt gazes, they first had to know. And that was something John knew he would never be able to say. Not out loud, anyway. He would look at them laughing together, automatically smiling whenever anyone looked his way, refusing to meet Scott's gaze whenever his older brother seemed to be getting close to working out what was eating away at the younger man. But he would never once open his mouth and voice the thoughts that were tantalising his mind.

Finally managing to get his breathing under control, John sat up a little straighter, looking around him and trying to reassure himself that he was home. For a few moments, he simply sat there, trying to banish the thoughts that were plaguing him. Eventually though, he remembered that something must have drawn him from his sleep. Whilst his own nightmares had been causing him to be restless enough anyway, John knew that was not the case this time. This time it had been something else.

Standing up, the astronaut sighed deeply, crossing the room in just a few steps and pulling the nearest tee-shirt from his dresser. Shrugging it on as he opened his door at the same time, John knew precisely where he needed to go.

Stealing down the darkened corridor, he soon found himself outside his youngest brother's room. John wasn't the only one suffering from the nightmares; Alan was being plagued more than the rest of them put together. John wasn't surprised though, they couldn't even hope to understand what the kid had gone through. It was killing them all, especially John, to see him that broken up. He couldn't remember the last time he had had a proper conversation with the fourteen-year-old without an emergency calling him away, promising to phone back, but not doing so for many hours. If Alan thought he was cut off from the rest of the family, it barely did the distance between him and his other blond brother any justice.

Pushing the kid's door open, John was not in the slightest bit surprised that Scott had beaten him in there, his arms wrapped around Alan, murmuring soothing nonsense in the boy's ear. Virgil was also there, sitting on the edge of the bed, running his hand soothingly up and down Alan's leg, Gordon hanging hesitantly to one side, clearly not sure what he could do that his big brothers didn't already have under control. Noticing the door open, he immediately turned and locked eyes with John, his own pain and frustration spiralling deep within.

Despite feeling like he was cut off from them, John knew immediately what he needed to do in order to help Gordon. He still was part of this family, whether he felt like it or not, and they needed him. Beckoning him over with one finger, John smiled tightly as Gordon immediately did as he was told. As soon as the redhead was in reach, his older brother stretched out an arm, looping it over Gordon's shoulders and pulling him in close. Personally, John was never one for physical contact, something else that worked so well with him being up on Five, but Gordon had always gone for the spontaneous hugs, and John knew that was what he needed right now. Pushing aside his own discomfort, John held on tight, trying to portray how much he missed them all in that simple action.

"Scotty, you're still here?" Alan's voice, whilst quiet, immediately made John's heart clench. The kid sounded so young, so desperate. He could remember the days when he had turned to their eldest brother to simply make things right again, and as Scott drew back from Alan in order to look him in the eye, he knew that the kid still had that faith, despite his attitude suggesting otherwise. Any teenage rebellion Alan had been displaying when he first had returned home seemed to have vanished after the attack, a slightly clingy boy emerging instead. Brushing his thumb over Alan's cheekbone, Scott smiled reassuringly.

"I'm still here, Sprout. We all are. Look, even John's home."

Meeting Alan's gaze and attempting to mirror Scott's reassuring look, John gently untangled himself from Gordon, muttered some excuse and sped from the room, missing the silent interaction between Scott and Virgil as they watched him go. Even now, he had no idea what was getting to him so much. Maybe it was Scott's words.

"Even John's home."

Almost as if he wouldn't be if he had the choice. Not really caring where his feet were taking him, John felt himself break into a jog, desperate to put as much space between him and the rest of the family as possible. From craving their presence again, John suddenly found himself wanting to be on his own, wanting to get away from it all. Pushing open the doors, John strode purposefully down onto the beach, finally appreciating the breeze blowing gently over him, almost as if it knew he needed the embrace he couldn't accept from his family.

Mulling over Scott's words, John had to wonder whether there was any truth in them. Was he home? Was this truly where he belonged? He loved his family to pieces, he would do anything for them in an instant - and John knew that was why he had to return to Five, had to carry on as if he was fine. They had their hands full trying to patch things up with Alan; the sooner normality came back to the family, the better. And normality for the Tracys meant one brother being space bound.

"Johnny?"

Jumping violently, John turned in time to see Virgil emerge from the darkness, concern etched into his features as he padded silently along the beach to where his brother was standing, a quick glance at the incoming tide allowing him to judge how much time they had before they were forced to move. Coming to a stand still next to his brother, Virgil reached out a hand, giving John's shoulder a gentle squeeze, but leaving it at that. He knew how uncomfortable the older man was with physical contact, there was no need to go any further than that.

"You alright?" Virgil asked softly, trying to study John's face by the moonlight and stifle a yawn at the same time. For John, it just showed how much the Hood's attack had disrupted their lives. Normally nothing could drag Virgil from his sleep, but now he was up at the smallest whimper coming from his youngest brother.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" John muttered, forcing a small smile out as he turned away from Virgil, staring once more out to sea. He was glad that the stars were not reflected from this angle, for he was not sure whether he would be able to hide his shudders from his younger brother, and that was certainly not something he wanted Virgil to witness.

"Shouldn't you?" Virgil shot back without missing a beat, knowing that John was attempting to avoid the question. Realising that the more artistic brother was not going to let it go, John instead headed for the one topic of conversation he knew would get Virgil off his back for at least a few moments whilst he thought of an answer that would satisfy the medic's curiosity.

"How's Allie?"

Sighing deeply, it was Virgil's turn to glance away this time, running a hand through his already messy hair in a way that clearly portrayed his agitation to his brother.

"He's still holding out on us about what happened. Dad won't say anything, claiming that Alan needs to tell it in his own time, but how can we help him if we don't know what the kid went through?"

"Hey, hey, hey," John immediately soothed, his role as Virgil's big brother coming to him naturally. It didn't matter how he was feeling, not when there was a brother in need of comfort. As with Gordon, John knew that he simply had to put everything else to one side.

"You are helping him, Virg. You were in there tonight, weren't you?"

"Yeah, but..."

"You heard what he asked Scott: he's scared of being on his own. You're doing all you can, kiddo. Do you want to get back to him?"

"With Scott in there?" Virgil responded with a slight laugh, turning back to his brother and smiling gratefully at John's reassurance. Only managing to meet his eyes for a moment, John quickly looked away. He was worried that if he stayed locked in Virgil's penetrating gaze – one he had clearly picked up from Scott – he would crack. And that could not happen, no matter what.

"Good point." John knew exactly what Virgil meant. With Scott determined to chase away Alan's demons in the way he had always done, no one would be able to get near the boy, even with a ten foot pole to keep Scott out of the way. For a few moments, silence fell across the two brothers, John adamantly looking away from Virgil's searching gaze. Eventually though, Virgil sighed somewhat irritably.

"Are you ever going to answer the question?"

"What question?" Attempting to buy some more time, John could sense more than he could see Virgil's eyes roll in the dim moonlight.

"John!" Virgil exclaimed, sounding more than exasperated as he turned to face his brother once more, moving in front of John so that the blond had no choice but to look directly at him. "Are. You. Okay?"

"Fine." John responded, shrugging casually as if there was nothing going on with him. "Worried about the Sprout, but fine."

"Bullshit."

"Virgil!"

Slightly surprised by the bluntness in Virgil's voice, John stared at his brother. He couldn't deny that he was feeling worried now. They couldn't find out how he was feeling. The family had enough on their plates without knowing that one of the older members was feeling left out like a little kid. But there had been a note in Virgil's tone that was rarely heard from the artist, and John knew that it could potentially spell danger.

"Tell me the truth, John."

"I'm fine."

"You're lying."

"Virg, drop it."

"So there is something wrong?"

"No! Virgil, please..."

"C'mon, Johnny," Virgil said quietly, now almost sounding like he was pleading with his brother. Taking a step forward, he looked up into John's eyes, and, seeing the conflict spiralling within, made up his mind. He was not leaving this beach until John had said what was wrong - and considering how fast the tide was coming in, it would leave him in a very awkward situation if John didn't open up soon.

"What's so bad that you can't tell us? Can't tell me?" His tone was soft now, and knowing that Virgil wasn't going to break the eye contact, John turned away himself. Resting his hands lightly on his hips, he took a few steps towards the water, kicking out at the waves when one dared to come too close. Despite receiving a wet foot for his efforts, there was something satisfying in being able to lash out.

"Would you have noticed?"

"Noticed what?" Taking a few steps closer to his brother, Virgil paused again, unwilling to make John feel crowded. If John really was going to tell him what had been plaguing him over the last few days, Virgil wasn't going to push his luck by making his brother feel crowded.

"If I hadn't come home."

"John!"

Swallowing hard, John adamantly refused to turn at the hurt tone in Virgil's voice. This was what was so bad that he couldn't tell his younger sibling, and it was taking every ounce of his self control to not just instantly try and comfort his brother in the way he was used to doing every time he heard that tone of voice.

"How can you even think that? Of course we would!" Virgil's cries simply made John sigh heavily, lifting his head once more towards the heavens in order to fix the stars with his accusing stare. It was all their fault! If they hadn't ensnared him at such a young age, he knew he wouldn't be feeling like this now.

"We?" John questioned, determined to get some answers once and for all. The gap between them seemed to stretch out for all eternity as Virgil waited with baited breath to see where John was going with this. Alan may have distanced himself from the family, but that had been done in a way that made it clear to everyone what was going on. John had managed to do it subtly. It was going to take more than Scott telling him it was alright in order to make this better.

"'We' as in the family? Or 'we' as in the rescue organisation? Would you have noticed that you were missing a brother or that you were missing a space monitor?"

"John, where has this come from? You know the answer, I know you do. You're our brother; of course we would miss you. It's more than that; we would be lost without you, we would be destroyed!"

"There lies the problem then," John responded softly, his voice so quiet that Virgil barely even heard that he had spoken at all. "Because you are missing a brother, one who hasn't truly come home - and none of you have noticed!"

And with that, John turned and strolled down the beach, going in completely the wrong direction considering the speed the tide was coming in. Virgil stood frozen where he was, his breathing becoming more shallow and frantic as he tried to process what John had just told him. How could they have all been so blinded by what was happening with Alan that they'd missed how John had been feeling?

Staring out after his brother in desperation, Virgil let his mind wander over the last few days. When was the last time he had had a proper conversation with his brother? But he knew it went back earlier than that. John made contact with the island on a somewhat regular basis, reports of the world's crises keeping him busy. But when was the last time that one of them had bothered to establish contact with him for no other reason than seeing how their brother was? As John's silhouette was consumed by the shadows of the cliffs, Virgil finally found that he was able to move again, despite the cold hand clenching around his heart. He wasn't sure what he should do, but he knew someone who would. After all, it wasn't just Alan that turned to Scott to make everything better again.

Turning on his heel, Virgil felt like he had never run as fast as he did right now, pelting back to the house as fast as he could, nearly crashing into his father in the process. It just showed how much of a mess the family was in: it was almost three in the morning, and yet they were all wide awake, tackling the demons that should have been banished during daylight hours. Hell, they shouldn't have even taken hold to start with, not the way John's had. There had been something pleading in his eyes, something begging Virgil to say that he was imagining the gap that had sprung up between them. And his younger brother had not been able to, for he knew it would have been a lie.

"Virgil, what are you doing, son?" Jeff asked, eyebrows raised in incredulity at the state of his panting son. He had gone to get a coffee after realising that the rest of the boys were all in Alan's room, and that he was not needed in the way he used to be. Now that he was up, however, he was certain that he was not going to get anymore rest until his sons had succumbed to sleep. He may not have been needed for Alan, not with his overprotective brothers around, but someone had to calm Scott down again from his tirade against the Hood, language coming out his mouth that his father didn't even know his son knew, let alone used.

"No time," Virgil gasped, skidding around his father and continuing on his mad dash through the house. Coming to a halt outside of Alan's door, he took a split second to compose himself, knowing that throwing himself through the kid's door like a frantic hurricane was going to do nothing to calm the frightened Tracy down again. Gently pushing open the door, he couldn't help but smile at the sight that greeted him.

Scott had managed to get Alan back to sleep, his hand still methodically combing itself through the blond locks even as he spoke quietly to Gordon, who in turn looked exhausted, huge dark circles shadowing his normally bright eyes.

"Scott." Quietly gaining his brother's attention, Virgil jerked his head towards the door, clearly indicating that he wanted to have a word. Knowing that Virgil had gone after John, Scott frowned quizzically, questioning the whereabouts of their other brother with nothing more than his eyebrows. Despite knowing precisely what Scott was getting at, Virgil shook his head. This was not something they could communicate with a few glances, not this time.

Sensing something in Virgil's expression, Scott carefully slipped out from behind Alan; casually ruffling Gordon's hair fondly on the way past as his little brother attempted to stifle yet another yawn, and followed Virgil out of the door. Just as he made to shut it behind him, Gordon suddenly slipped through himself. As his older siblings turned to look at him, he merely raised his own eyebrows, an almost challenging look coming onto his face.

"He's my brother too."

Smiling gently, Virgil should have known. He and Scott may have been the ones with the capability to speak without words, but that didn't mean Gordon didn't know how to listen. He had picked up enough of what was going on – no doubt helped by John's disappearance – to know that this was something that concerned the whole family.

"What is it, Virg? Where's John?" Not hesitating, Scott was firing questions almost before he had fully shut Alan's door, thankfully remembering to keep his voice down in order to not awaken the now sleeping fourteen-year-old.

"I don't know."

"Weren't you just with him, dude?" Gordon asked, a frown making an unusual appearance on his face as he crossed his arms across his chest, confusion lining his expression.

"Yes and no."

"Virgil, what the hell?" Scott responded bluntly, echoing Gordon's confusion.

"When was the last time any of you made contact with John other than on a rescue?"

"Shit." Scott's answer told Virgil everything he needed to know. He was not the only one guilty of not spending as much time as he should have talking to John, making sure everything was alright with the Space Monitor. Virgil knew he couldn't cope with the solitude of space, only a thin line of communications with a very select few people being all that stopped you from drifting off into the vastness of space. And yet that was what he had been prepared to let his brother go through, never once making sure that something was still keeping John grounded.

"Where is he?"

This time, Virgil knew that Scott needed to know physically where their brother was, needed to find John. Unable to stop the small smile from escaping him – for this was the very reason why he had sought Scott out in the first place – Virgil sighed.

"At the beach. He was heading towards Hallow's Cave."

This time, it was Gordon's curse that drew his brothers' attention, even earning himself an automatic rebuke from his eldest sibling. No matter the situation, the older brother in Scott was always active, no matter what came out of his own mouth.

"What, Gords?" Virgil found that the words were coming out of his mouth almost as his brain tried to stop him. He wasn't sure whether he could take any more bad news at this unearthly time.

"The tide will be coming in. He's gonna end up trapped if he goes to the cave, it's not as deep as it looks, trust me."

Sharing one single glance, all three brothers simultaneously sprung into action, sprinting through the house and back down to the beach. They didn't even notice their father glancing out of his office window, squinting into the darkness as the silhouettes of three of his sons were quickly swallowed by the darkness. Shaking his head, Jeff headed silently down the corridor. Now that his sons had moved, he would be able to check on his baby for himself.

Coming to a breathless stop for the second time in barely ten minutes, Virgil pointed out the way John had disappeared, and, heading along at a slower pace – just in case they missed something – the three brothers jogged along the beach. For a moment, only the moonlight dancing gracefully across the ocean could be seen, but Scott quickly gave a shout.

"There he is!"

Following the extended arm of their brother, Gordon and Virgil peered along the beach. Just in front of the entrance to the cave, John was sitting on the sand, water swirling around him as he stared into space. Even from this distance, it was more than obvious that he hadn't noticed, his thoughts taking all of his attention. As a larger swell came in, Virgil found himself shouting a warning, knowing that John was not likely to hear him. Gordon, however, was already moving as the wave crashed over his brother, the force momentarily knocking John off balance and causing him to slip.

As Scott took off after Gordon, Virgil once more found himself frozen, his bewildered mind barely being able to catch up as another wave broke over his brother, obscuring John's figure from his view.

More coming soon!