The Consequences of Wishing
Summary: If he was right, then why did it hurt so much to leave her? J/L Jello-Forever April Challenge: Wishes.
Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine.
Spoilers: Before 2x08.
A/N:
I'm in love with some angst this month, sheesh. I don't really have anything to say about this two-shot besides its for the Jello-Forever April Challenge and I wanted to separate the huge one-shot in half to make for a two-shot. I use quotes, because I believe that quotes are just handy when you need some inspiration!
Enjoy.
I.
"You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. Don't let yourself indulge in vain wishes."
Laurence J. Peter
One of his favorite locations as a child was to go to any park fountain when he could get away from his controlling father, where he'd sit down on the ledge of the fountain and watch his reflection in the cool water shimmer back at him, and he'd watch the hurried residents of the park pass by the fountain and toss in a penny with a wish on their lips, before hurrying on through. He recalled at that time that he wanted to make a wish and he had no spare change on him, so if he could without someone noticing, he'd stick his small fingers into the cool water and pull out some the shiny coins that had gathered at the bottom of the fountain just to toss them back in with silly wishes on his own tongue.
When one day, he was caught by an old lady who was feeding some of the local pigeons with breadcrumbs and she had stared at him, and with a short shake of her head she reached into her handbag and handed him a shiny penny.
You know if you take coins from a fountain, young man—its bad luck to you.
He had just nodded in response, tossed the coin in with a wish to stay where he was on his lips and hoped it came true.
In the next few weeks however, he found that taking coins from a fountain was "bad luck" indeed—as his father and himself had to leave again; and his wish to stay went unheard.
II.
"Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad."
Euripides
He never believed in wishes, even after the marriage of his first wife and seven years of birthday cakes and the yearly routine of watching his daughter blow out the candles to make a wish. He'd play along with her and always ask, what did she wish for and every year, he'd get almost the same giggled answer:
If I tell you, it won't come true.
He'd play along when his daughter brought him his cake for his birthday, and he'd blow out the colorful candles spread throughout the colorful icing on the cake with his wife standing next to him—and he'd wish for one thing, and one thing only because that's all he wanted:
To be with them forever.
And then his daughter asked what he wished for, and he simply smiled and replied:
If I tell you, it won't come true.
So, a few weeks before his fortieth birthday when he found his wife and child slaughtered by Red John—he did the only thing he could think of doing after their funeral, he brought a birthday cake on his birthday down to their graves and sat down in the freshly turned plot with the sugar treat on his lap, and with a careful precision he brought out a red lighter and drew a flame before lighting each colorful candle on the cake. Instead of blowing the candles out, he let each candle burn itself out while treks of angry tears ran down his pale face.
He'd never wish again, because wishing couldn't and wouldn't bring back his family no matter how many times he blew out the candles on any tasteless birthday cake.
iii.
"All a man's affairs become diseased when he wishes to cure evils by evils."
Sophocles
The director of the California Bureau of Investigation, Virgil Minelli had done him favor by giving him the position in the CBI with the Serious Crimes Unit—but he hadn't expected to be met with such great resistance of his main goal.
One of them happened to be Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon who was a first believer in wishes.
I wish you would listen to me.
He always found it quite ironic that someone as jaded as Agent Lisbon would believe in wishes, he'd read her file and he knew her past, and if anyone on that unit could understand his quest for revenge it should be her.
But no, she wished for him not to give into his desires of hate and revenge to find Red John. She wished he'd listen to her before going off on some half-cocked idea that cost the unit lawsuits, upon lawsuits that she'd have to defuse somehow. He wanted to tell her that wishes were for children, but he never could quite tell her because he noticed how hope shimmered in her eyes every time she'd say the words:
I wish.
And he couldn't quite take it upon himself to destroy her hope, so he left his comments of irate at her wishing habit at the door when he spoke with her because hope was more powerful than wishes would ever be in his world, and while he'll continue his road toward redemption through either justice or mercy, he'll have that hope from her that he'll stop before he's dug himself into a hole that neither one of them can pull him out from.
IV.
"If a man could have half of his wishes, he would double his troubles."
Benjamin Franklin
He sometimes pitied the men or women who sat before them in the interrogation rooms, he remembered that after his wife and child died—he had been interrogated by Agent Lisbon herself, and he remembered her asking him the questions that sounded so ridiculous at the time:
Did you do it?
No.
Where were you at five in the afternoon?
I was heading back from the taping of a talk show.
Can anybody vouch for you, Mr. Jane?
My PR manager, Hayden Taylor.
The questions had continued for hours on end, until Agent Lisbon had relented and stood to let Agent Kimball Cho try to earn a confession from him:
Why would Red John target your family?
Because I baited him on national television—
Were you and your wife having any problems?
No.
According to your neighbors, your wife wanted you to give up your psychic career.
Yes.
Did that make you angry?
No.
They eventually let him go because they had no evidence that he did it, and here he was today standing behind the glass window watching Lisbon ask their sobbing suspect the same questions she asked him five years ago:
Did you do it?
No, why would I? Adrianna was my best friend, why would I kill my best friend?
Where were you at three in the afternoon?
My dorm room.
Can anyone vouch for you, Ms. Alcester?
My roommates next door, Allie and Holleen.
Eventually Lisbon relented, and let the unit's rookie, Grace Van Pelt take over while Lisbon stood next to him commenting on how Aaralyn Alcester looked the best for the crime:
Were you and Adrianna having problems lately?
No, well… yes, we had a problem a while back ago…but I didn't kill her!
What was the problem over?
We had a disagreement over me hugging her.
She didn't like you hugging her?
No, she hated it. She said it made her feel weird.
Did you ever ask her what she meant by that?
No.
Lisbon glanced over at him, and he nodded in response—they both knew Aaralyn was lying, but he doubt it was important. He stepped into the interrogation room to both the surprise of Grace and Aaralyn, who still dry sobbed in response to her best friend's death:
Who would you say did this?
I don't know.
One last question, penguins or ducks?
Uh…penguins? I don't know what this has to do with anything…but I wish you'd…
Okay, you're free to go.
Jane turned back into the viewing room of the interrogation room, where Lisbon had her arms crossed against her chest in unmistakable rage; he simply smiled and offered that Aaralyn would never have killed her best friend, because Aaralyn wasn't the type.
He also forewent telling Lisbon that someone who wished that someone else would listen to you wasn't a murderer—it just meant they were stupid, and Aaralyn Alcester in his opinion, was very stupid and naïve.
V.
"Indeed, man wishes to be happy even when he so lives as to make happiness impossible."
Saint Augustine
It was soon after the whole interrogation, and the revelation that Tyler Perrine had murdered Adrianna Cadence because of the trouble she had caused her best friend and his ex-girlfriend, Aaralyn Alcester; he found that Lisbon had a secret desire—which wasn't chocolate or being able to see the stars dot the horizon but rather to kiss him. It had been seven years since he had last been with a woman and a lifetime since he'd ever been with a woman of Lisbon's stature.
So, he had allowed her to pull him aside, and kiss him in the warm Californian rain near her place— and he let his lips trail every inch of her collarbone, and when she grazed his earlobe, he pulled back in surprise as she grinned sheepishly at him, those wide green eyes blinking in knowledge and confusion.
I-I can't do this.
Lisbon didn't ask why, instead she offered him a small smile before turning back around to head inside her place while he still remained in the rain, head tilted toward the dark cloud dotted sky feeling more alone than he had felt before this whole deal.
He longed to kiss her, but at this time and place—it wasn't going to happen, not until he caught Red John, and he knew deep within himself that Teresa Lisbon deserved better than the broken, cynical and jaded man he had become.
VI.
"It is hard to contend against one's heart's desire; for whatever it wishes to have it buys at the cost of soul."
Heraclitus
He figured it would have taken more than a few flirty glances, and the dry thrown-out comment from Cho about getting a room to actually take Lisbon away with him, but it seemed seven years was just way too long for one man to go without any comfort, even if the comfort was only for one night.
It started off as one night but slowly he let himself be pulled into her world of distractions, dreams, hopes and wishes—and for the first time, he found he didn't mind. Both of them would lie on her bed, clothed for hours just staring at the ceiling and basking in the warmth of the other's arms. She'd talk about everything, and then nothing and he'd tell her how he wished they could stay in each other's arms like that forever but they both knew, forever wasn't going to last forever and eventually, he'd leave her to finish what he thought he needed to finish.
But, they wouldn't dare bring that up lying here, it could wait until the both of them were away from her place of distractions, dreams, hopes and wishes. He didn't want to dilute that with false promises, or with the false ideal that he'd give everything up for the brunette next to him.
VII.
"It's so hard to know what to do when one wishes earnestly to do right."
George Bernard Shaw
Sometimes, when he held her tightly to his chest after an amazing night together—he'd feel the pull of his heartstrings for the sleeping woman in his arms, and he'd feel his heart pounding in his chest as if telling him he was the idiot for letting the woman walk into his life, and walking away from her when the time came.
He didn't listen to his heart often, because his mind made the rational decisions—and his mind was telling him to leave before he could become anymore invested it her, but when that heart wrenching thought entered his mind—he pulled the "one night" card, and one night turned into six weeks, and six weeks turned into three months.
But then again, he decided as he slipped from her bed to place to collect his articles of clothing that had gotten thrown about the room to wear—she'd understand that he had to do what he felt was right, no matter the consequence and no matter what that would do to the both of them—he's still the same man from seven years ago, with or without Lisbon's influence over him.
He leaves her with a small kiss to the temple, and only a silent sentence that he'd be back when he was done, and with that, he left and closed the door behind him ignoring the unfamiliar ache of his heart, and the wetness from his eyes.
If he was right, then why did it hurt so much to leave her?