Copyright: ©copyright 2012 Moonrise Inn Publications
Disclaimer: This is a fanfiction. Ronin Warriors is property of Bandai.
Authors Note: Smiles and Tears Series: Prequel to Shards of Pain

Smiles and Tears
"Ryo"
Author: Zorra Reed

I sit contemplating my ceiling while you stare at me in disbelief. I pay no attention to you because - let us face it - you are not real. You're just an image that my mind has created to sooth itself. You are a figment of my imagination, brought to life in the same manner as would be an imaginary friend. Only I can see you because I'm fucked up; my conscious is plagued with guilt and pain, and I can't deal with anything anymore. I'd will you away if I could, but I find I haven't the strength to do so. So I'll let you remain sitting, staring at me, while I continue to ignore you and do nothing.

Have you noticed that this does not work very well? I can still feel your eyes burrowing into me. What is it you are hopping to find within the caverns of my broken mind? You just don't get it…I don't want you around me. Why won't you go away? I've thrown a pillow at you, then a book, then a tin of chocolates, which you caught and ate. You won't budge. You just continue to sit there in silence, staring at me.

It has been days since I first met you; when I'd been sitting alone and upset in the park feeling as though my friends had ignored me, again. Well, that isn't entirely true. We made it a point to get together every now and then to do stuff, mostly as a group. I would go and say hi, smile a bit, and then quietly fall into the background, staying to myself until they'd forget I was there, hardly noticing whether I even showed up or not. They'd smile and say things like, "Long time no see" or "How's it been?" but they never meant it. I don't believe they truly even remember me. I orchestrated it that way. I faded, and I took the memory of myself with me so no one could feel blame.

I remember how I would tag along pretending to have fun. Sometimes, they tried to initiate a conversation, but what was the point? They would want to hear all about my life, then would turn on me. They would tell me how wrong and fucked up I was, and then try to offer a helping hand. A hand that would be rescinded the moment I showed resistance to playing by their rules. They would become angered and I'd be forgotten for a time. That's just fine with me! I don't mind being a shadow. I would have to give pause and ask myself if I truly mean that, but because I have no answer to give I don't stop to ask.

Anyway, once the night had thickened from dark grey to a deep cloak of ebony – meaning the park was virtually deserted and free of prying eyes - I slipped from my lonely bench to the cluster of swings set apart from the rest of the play equipment. There I saw you, sitting alone and appearing as sad as I felt. I figured I would just ignore you – after all, I'd waited all this time to play - and took a seat on the swing furthest away. I pushed myself as high as I could go as quickly as I could; the swing bouncing, threatening to toss me from the force once it'd reached its limit, incapable of rising higher. Disappointing, I wanted to touch Heaven.

Angry that I wouldn't get any closer today then I had any on any other day, I relaxed my legs and patiently waited as the swing glided back and forth to a stop. Then I noticed you watching me. I snapped out some smart-ass remark or another hopping to piss you off or scare you away. Instead, you're face lit up like a child at Christmas. The sadness I saw in you was instantly transformed into such joy…I believe I was more intrigued then unsettled. In the days that followed, you have remained with me – against my will I might add – going so far as to appear in my home and remaining by my side.

I'm still not satisfied; not that I know what it is I'm longing for in the first place. I just know you, an apparition, cannot provide it for me. I'm longing for something else; something that will bring all things to a final close. That is why I am sitting here now, gazing dully at my ceiling and thinking about things best left unsaid. You're still staring, as motionless as a statue, and that sorrowful look has returned to your eyes. Your eyes, I just noticed they're the color of moonlight, so…familiar. "Why are you still here with me?"

No surprise that you fail to answer? You're lips move but there is no sound. In fact, I don't recall having heard you speak since meeting you. If you're an apparition, then shouldn't I be able to understand you telepathically if not verbally? On a whim, I reach out for you for the first time, my fingers curling as they brush your…solid…palm. Holy Shit! I thought you were imaginary! Gripping your hand I press it to my face. Your fingers are chilly; I can't help but lean into them. I'm so warm. To warm, and you feel good…calm. It relaxes me. Perhaps it is a good thing you are here after all.

Ja'Ne