I'd like to have a word with you about Kakashi.
Namikaze Minato had a headache. Not just any headache, this was a very specific type of mind misery that only came when a certain scarecrow was discussed by the Third and Jiraiya. This latest conversation had him wondering if he grilled the Hokage's personal messenger hawk would it taste like chicken and if that would be abusing the fire jutsu Obito taught him.
"I'm telling you, there's something wrong with him!" Jiraiya bellowed loud enough for Minato to wish Tsunade hadn't reversed the damage Kushina's last tirade inflicted on his hearing.
"There's nothing wrong with Kakashi," Minato sighed while his mentor rolled his eyes at him.
"Sensei, I'm always right about these things;" the Sannin declared turning to the Third Hokage.
"The boy didn't want to go peeking." Jiraiya wailed flailing his arms and pulling his hair. "He turned up his nose when I told him the Uchiha triplets were bathing. You hear me? The Uuuu-Chii-Haa triplets" he said accenting each syllable by poking out his chest, caressing his waist and wiggling his hips.
"All three of them! Uuu-Uuu-Uuu! Chii-Chii-Chii! Haa-Haa-Haa!" he drooled a small pool of blood forming at the base of one nostril. "And he didn't look! He didn't even blush! There's something wrong with him! Even that little green thing's eyes got rounder and he ran off blushing and yelling about youthful innocence and dignity!"
"There is nothing wrong with Kakashi." Minato droned wishing his sensei were less dramatic. "Of course Gai ran off. He's a teenager wearing spandex thinking about naked women."
"Let's not be so hasty." The Third chimed in stroking his beard and discreetly directing his crystal ball to the women's section of the hot springs. "I'm sure Kakashi has shown some interest in the opposite sex."
"I…ahh," Minato furrowed his brow when Sandaime tilted his head towards him. The only girls he'd ever seen Kakashi talk to were Shizune and Rin.
"Minato, has Kakashi mentioned anyone?" Hiruzen asked putting away his crystal ball since the triplets were no longer bathing.
"Umm…he's…umm. I…" Minato stammered. Although he didn't like the way the conversation was going he had to admit his two elders may not be entirely wrong. Obito liked Rin and had tried to hold her hand and always placed his sleeping bag next to hers when they spent the night in the field. The boy had also mentioned various attributes of girls in his and the Inuzuka, Yamanaka, Hyuuga, Akimichi, and Aburame clans. Kakashi had done no such thing.
"He spends all his time training?" Minato offered weakly.
"Do you think it's stunted his development?" Jiraiya asked seriously. "The root chakra that should be triggering puberty is being used on the battlefield. He's so quiet I can't even tell if his voice has changed."
"Hmm" Sandaime's low hum was accompanied by a slow puff of smoke. "Perhaps I'll ask Tsunade to examine him."
Minato was on his feet and screaming "NO!" before he realized at whom he was yelling. One of his classmates had been a late bloomer subjected to Tsunade's testing. Predictably the teen did get an erection when the large breasted beauty asked his name. It left when she leaned in to check his vital signs. Seconds later the mortified boy was racing over the rooftops armed with the knowledge that Tsunade snorted when she laughed, where he could purchase adult diapers and like any kunai control only came with frequent handling so he should masturbate several times daily. That was the first and last time he ever got hard for a blond or a woman. "I'll talk to him and report my findings. Just please keep Tsunade away from his nether regions. He sees her as a second mother. It could potentially traumatize him if she did those types of test on him."
Jiraiaya laughed and Hiruzen raised his eyebrow. Minato was never a good liar. The only person who viewed Tsunade as a second mother was Shizune and neither man was sure it was the result of actual sentiment or prolonged exposure to poison.
"Kushina-chan, do you love me?"
"I thought we established that fact a few months ago when I agreed not to kill you or the little parasite squatting inside me," Kushina replied sweetly. "Have you done anything or anyone outside of a mission to make me change my mind?"
"No, no, of course not," Minato wheezed as one small but unusually strong hand applied pressure to his throat while the other slipped lower and found a more delicate body part to squeeze. "You're the only person I'll sleep with willingly."
"Damn well better be." Kushina replied replacing the hand on her lover's neck with a pair of lips while the other hand loosened its grip and gently petted his manhood in apology. "So my handsome worry-wart, what do you want this time? And before you even ask I'm not cooking chitterlings, going into seclusion with Biwako or using any of that garbage she says is pre-natal advice, or letting Jiraiya anywhere near this kid."
"Why would I want chitterlings?" Minato responded rolling onto his side and cradling Kushina against him. "Biwako means well and I agree 100% about Jiraiya. He and Sandaime are concerned Kakashi's not going through puberty. He didn't want to go peek at the women's bath with Jiraiya."
Kushina chuckled. "Smart kid, Jiraiya isn't exactly discreet when it comes to spying."
"I know. I've been dangled as bait and then tossed as a decoy. The only thing that concerns me is they're threatening to call in Tsunade. I've spent years trying to teach Kakashi he has more in common with the other kids his age and give him a sense of normalcy. All that will be gone the moment they call in the legendary slug sannin to make sure he's going through puberty."
"I thought Tsunade was prohibited from doing those after the incident with that half Hyuuga / half Yamanaka boy?"
"She was. Then the official Hyuuga clan record keeper noticed the drop in illegitimate births after Shinji began offering his 'services'. I wish there were a way to give the Hokage some type of confirmation without putting pressure on Kakashi." Minato whined burying his face in Kushina's neck. "If only there were some gorgeous knock out who didn't want to take advantage of the little genius or wouldn't make him too uncomfortable when she subtly used her feminine wiles to test the boy."
Kushina rolled her eyes. Minato was rubbing her back in the spot the little parasite most often used for target practice. "First you knock me up then you whore me out to your student. Dattebane, you'd better be glad the term yellow flash has nothing to do with your level of endurance and you always seem to know where my back is hurting."
Kakashi raised his eyebrow when Kushina padded into the living room. Her choice of clothing was certainly interesting. Her breasts overflowed the cups of the lacy contraption, the dusky areola perfectly matching the floral pattern sewn into the black fabric. The high cut tanga flattered the softening curves of her waistline and slight bump on her stomach while accentuating the rounded cheeks of her shapely posterior.
He tilted his head slightly when she plopped down on couch beside him and began slurping a bowl of ramen. "T&I or Tsunade?"
"Whmph?" the kunoichi asked noodles dangling suggestively from her lips while making her most seductive doe eyes at the teen?
"Which one is it -T&I or Tsunade? You are testing how long it takes before you lose a limb from lack of circulation aren't you?" The boy replied as he reburied his face in the scroll he'd been reading.
Kushina felt the flare in chakra and saw the bushes outside shaking. She was glad she had started the ancient washing machine before implementing this scheme otherwise Kakashi would have grown suspicious at the low keening noise emanating from the their left. She took her time finishing her bowl of ramen and its delicious twin sister before excusing herself to put on clothes and rescue her flower.
When Kushina emerged she walked over to the hydrangea bush and kicked the dandelion colored jounin who'd taken up residence behind it. "I told you don't sit on the roof and eavesdrop. Stop banging your head against the house. You'll damage the foundation."
Minato looked at her and would have blushed if there were any blood remaining in his upper extremities. "He looked at you, in that, and didn't react. No nosebleed, no blush, no erection, no stuttering or looking away, nothing. How in the hell could anybody look at that vision of heaven without a reaction? Maybe I can convince Tsunade to do a transplant. I'm sure Jiraiya or Genma or that little Inuzuka boy who tries to hump everybody's leg has a few hormones to spare. I can't believe I allowed the village to wither my student before he ever had a chance to blossom."
"Shut up, dattebane, you're starting to talk like that Maito woman and her son. Of course the kid didn't react. He sees me more of an evil older sibling. The boy is fine. He doesn't need a hormone transplant. The only reason I agreed to do this is so you'd see how ridiculous you're being and leave the kid alone."
"But he….Kushina… you had on…and those…." Minato drooled thinking of the tiny scraps that adorned his lover's body.
"Stop babbling, tte ba." Kushina stammered flustered by her man's adoration. "He already likes somebody."
This statement combined with the symbols for a water jutsu brought Minato back to the present and a safe distance away, "Heh? He likes somebody?"
"Yes." Kushina stated. "Why do you think I told you there's nothing wrong with him?"
"No offense, but it took eight years and a kidnapping for you to realize I was in love with you and I was serious when I said I liked your hair," Minato sighed. "By the time you realized Fugaku wasn't following Mikoto and being nice to her so he could kill the last person to carry the Uchiha/Senju mixed bloodline Mikoto was already pregnant. Let's not forget you told Akane that Hiashi never spoke around her because he had chronic halitosis. Or you thought the reason Chouza followed Kurokke was because she looked like a meat bun- that one may be true- but you get the picture."
"So maybe I'm not the best judge of romantic interest dattebane! But you did look like a girl when you were younger. Trust me Kakashi has hormones and likes someone," Kushina pouted defensively. "Take a walk with me I'll prove it."
Minato wasn't sure what to expect but he happily linked hands with the excited red head. They meandered about the village in a seemingly aimless pattern until they reached the park in the refugee district – one of the places he and Kushina visited often when they first began dating.
"Why are we..?" Minato began fidgeting as he wondered if she chose their destination for sentimental reasons partially afraid he'd missed some girl important anniversary like the first time she pinched his butt until the hairs on the back of his neck began to stand up.
His eyes widened and he pulled Kushina into his lap circling his arm around her waist and whispering in her ear to further the ruse they were on a simple date. "He's here. Kakashi is here."
Kushina nodded and tilted her head in the direction of a mother and child training.
Minato smiled and pointed at a butterfly tracking its path until he could get a better look at the pair. The young brunet was small, thin and unremarkable save for a scar bisecting a button nose. He watched as the child was repeatedly thrown and struck. He couldn't tell if the lesson was focusing on proper blocking and landing techniques or taijutsu really wasn't the child's strong point; either way the little one kept getting back up and attacking each time trying a new tactic only to be knocked back down and begin the whole process again.
"Do you feel that?" Kushina asked referring to the involuntary fluctuations in Kakashi's normally even chakra every time the child took a hit. She took Minato's hand in her own and began tracing the lines of his palm with her fingers. "When I fight, you do the same thing. That's how I know you're watching."
Minato blushed and ran his free hand through his hair. "I can't help it."
"Neither can he," Kushina smiled triumphantly.
"She's a cute little thing, very determined. She'll need that to put up with Kakashi. I don't see a hitai-ate. Is she still in the Academy? Rin will be upset when she realizes Kakashi likes younger women. I overheard her and Kurenai discussing the best way to stuff chest bindings to achieve a natural and mature look," Minato rambled on until he noticed the sparkle in Kushina's eye and the wide fanged grin. "What?"
Kushina patted Minato's head and burst into peals of laughter, "Iruka should graduate this year and I'm sure Rin won't be the only one upset when they find out Kakashi's type."