Second-Best No More

The first time, he was caught by surprise. It suddenly burst upon him, during one of Seattle Grace's patient consult, that Meredith was having one-night stands again. It wasn't until the stab of jealousy hit him that he grudgingly admitted he had somehow wanted Meredith to stay true to him. In all fairness, he shouldn't expect Meredith to remain celibate her whole life, merely because she'd told him she loved him. Despite reminding himself forcefully that he was no longer estranged from Addison, he couldn't stop from ruffling her feathers. Tried to tell himself that he meant nothing by it, yet he had no choice but to admit to them both that it was painful, that he had hoped against hope that eventually wouldn't turn into actually.

The second time, it was awkward. The news burst onto him just as Meredith was starting to accept the bizarre, out-of-the-blue suggestion of his to become "just friends". At first, he suggested they become friends because he needed to be near her, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. He yearned for the camaraderie and trust Meredith and her friends shared. He wanted the chance to win her trust back once again. Yet he got more than he asked for. Meredith's confession knocked the wind out of him, even when she admitted that it was a horrible mistake. He had to scramble to find his mental footing as the betrayal poisoned his mind. It was no longer a nameless, faceless, after-one-night-stand-goodbye-forever guy, but George O'Malley, of all people! A man he and Meredith had to deal with on a daily basis at almost every hour of the day, and his sort-of ex-housemate during his brief relationship with Meredith. The shy, sweet, quiet man managed to sneak his way into Meredith's bed, taking advantage of the empty space that was his by right. But no, he shouldn't think so anymore. Not ever.

…But why was it so hard to remember that? He couldn't shake loose that terrible feeling of lost. Which was why, when he saw her coming down the vet's office, in all her after-shower, slightly-drippy-hair glory, he couldn't help remembering the last time he had seen her thus. Their last kiss, when they were together and happy. And now she was here, with Finn Dandridge, Doc's vet! Are they now together and happy? Pain at his remembrance and assuming the worst, he couldn't even summon enough restrain through the blinding haze of rage. To make a mockery of their relationship… did she intend to rub her many replacements in his face? Jealousy coursed through his veins, so strong it was that he took it out on Addison, having sex with his legal wife in the shower with a passion that had everything to do with anger and nothing with love.

Plunged into the depths of despair, with an urge to break things whenever he was reminded of Meredith and her new… boyfriend, he couldn't seem to do anything but finding every possible opportunity to hurl the hurtful barb back at Meredith, yet every time that happened, he always seemed to lose, to feel like the meanest piece of scum that'd walked the surface of the earth. He didn't even know who he was trying to convince anymore that his choice was right. And when she finally exploded in the stairwell, he still refused to open his eyes to the honest truth: it was by his own stupidity that he'd lost the one woman he desperately needed.

Even Addison, poor, this-time-around-innocent Addison, sensed the undercurrents, tension and animosity he felt towards Meredith and Dandridge. Strange thing was, when she started shrieking in front of half the hospital about him and Meredith, he really didn't care. And he couldn't bring himself to. The spark of infatuation he once felt for Addison, all those years ago, had sunk into indifference somewhere along the line. Only one woman ever had the power to rouse his strongest, innermost feelings with enough passion for half the people around the block.

He was so tired of fighting her, of trying to hate her. Vaguely, he remembered her saying the exact same thing to him. He didn't want to fight her anymore. He wanted her with a vengeance, a vengeance that didn't die no matter what happened, not even when she… was now in a relationship with the vet. He might be angry with the vet for touching his woman, and angry at Meredith for allowing Dandridge to touch her where no man but he should be allowed to touch, but he still wanted her. Forever.

…Karma sucked. But it was fair, in a way. After he'd inadvertently hurt Meredith by choosing the easy way out, she'd inadvertently hurt him by settling down with Dandridge.

Yet she looked so damned beautiful, always, even when her eyes were red and her nose running when Doc was put to sleep. So vulnerable, lifting her beseeching eyes up at him that he would give her anything she wanted to will away those tears somehow. Once Doc was dead, however, he was suddenly aware that his last personal link to Meredith was gone forever. The way Meredith abruptly left Dandridge's office without even saying goodbye to him sent him into sheer panic. He couldn't lose her.

He would do anything – even to take to the dance floor with Addison in public – just to keep Meredith in sight, to make sure she wasn't lost to him again. Even he realised how pathetic he had become, longing for something denied to him, not by circumstances or fate, but by his choice. And he knew he was scaring them both with the intensity of his stare, yet he'd shed his brain somewhere unknown when she'd appeared in that fetching black dress, only to embrace, not him, but Dandridge.

He ran. Not away from her but after her. Not towards the rules of society, but the rules of his heart. Not for a secure future with Addison, but a tumultuous, passionate one with Meredith. He wouldn't have followed her at all, or, hell, even looked at her in their special way, were he thinking with his head. Now, all he wanted was to be with the woman he loved with all his heart.

He tried to tell himself, of course, that he just needed to make sure she was all right. He hadn't planned to kiss her, touch her, much less make love to her, at least not now. Before he knew it, though, he was shouting out the very reason he'd been acting the bastard. The jealous bastard, to be exact. Then, when their eyes connected silently for the second time that evening, with her "What now?" hazel orbs, the dam he'd been keeping at bay for four hellish months broke, unrestrained, as he grabbed her and kissed her hard, with all the pent-up passion only she had the key to. And once they started, no force on earth could tear them apart as they made love on the hard examination table, damning all consequences to hell. He wasn't even noticing that he was doing the exact same thing Addison did with Mark – except maybe for the reasons behind it – and frankly, even if he had, he couldn't bring himself to stop. He hadn't been lying or exaggerating at all when he'd told Meredith she was like the breath of fresh air after drowning for so long.

So, although he knew he shouldn't ask it of her after treating her so abominably for the past four months, he finally admitted that, while Addison was safe and proper and "the right thing to do", he wanted the eternal flame that never dies, rather than trying to hold on to the spark that had already faded out.

He wanted something he couldn't have. But he's about to remedy that.

Now she had a decision to make: safety… or love.

Dandridge… or him.

Because he couldn't live without her. He wouldn't live without her. And now that he'd learnt his lesson, he knew he would not accept second-best only because it's the easier thing to do. He would not be married to one woman while loving another.

And he would never ever be contented with a few stolen, quick tumbles with the woman he loved. He would fight the devil itself for what was his, what he should have claimed by now, but for his mistake. He would sell his soul and walk through fire just to have her back in his arms again. And once he had her, he would never let her go again.

They would start anew, with no more lies and deceit between them.

Love. It might not be easy, but it's fulfilling in every possible way.

– Finis –