Cooking Mama: Dragon Slayer

by Blaaa41

Atop the Great Mountain of Burning Vengeance sit the Heinous Towers of Eternal Torment. Locked away high atop the last of the spires is a beast which no mortal man has ever seen before: Kerplunk, the Dragon of Limitless Decay. This fiend has tormented the people of Mordor, Nebraska for dozens of centuries, but finally a warrior of unparalleled skill has risen up against all odds.

1. Chapter 1

Lightning flared, thunder crashed. Cooking Mama plunged her sanguine Dread Glaive through the heart of the Knight of Terror. Another one down, another three to go. Swinging the pole-arm in a wide arc, she cut the throats of two of the remaining knights, black phlegm pouring from their gaping throat-wounds. With a mighty shout, the final knight brandished his greatsword, charging towards Cooking Mama, but to no avail; before he could make contact with his foe, his head had already exploded in a shower of crimson gore because of Cooking Mama's telekinetic assault.

Wiping the black ichor off of her Dread Glaive, Cooking Mama entered the last of the Heinous Towers of Eternal Torment. This would not be an easy climb. Readying her Dread Glaive in one hand, she inserted the Key of Misery into the Lock of Soulless Nights. She knew what was to come next. Elloal, Dread Lord of the Towers of Eternal Torment materialized from the fiery black pits of Hell, drawing his Katana of Endless Famine. "YOU HAVE MADE A MISTAKE BY COMING HERE, COOKING MAMA," hissed the Dread Lord. "SURELY YOU KNEW IT WOULD ONLY BE YOUR END. YOU COULD NEVER HOPE TO MATCH ME IN SINGLE COMBAT." but this didn't phase Cooking Mama. She refuted his statement with silence and a blink, the best counter of all. With this, he parted his blighted lips and began to sing the bloodcurdling song to end all life on earth.

Cooking Mama threw her Glaive at the Dread Lord, but he knocked the crimson pole arm away with his Katana like it was nothing more than a paper airplane made out of Glaive, which it was. Cooking Mama knew this would happen, however, and was already behind him, brandishing the Dagger of Strife which she had earlier taken off of the slimy corpse of Mellwark the Ludicrous. The Dread Lord anticipated this move, though, and wrenched around, swinging his Katana in a violent rage. Cooking Mama stepped backwards just in time, but his Katana skimmed the flesh of her forehead, and her soul began to pour through the wound. Clenching her teeth, Cooking Mama did the only thing she knew would assure her victory: she let out a bloodcurdling screech like that of a pterodactyl, and her most faithful servant emerged from the deepest pits of the Black Abyss: Guy Fieri.

"Dread Lord Elloal, we meet again." Fieri cawed in a guttural tone. The Dread Lord did not react, simply turning to stare intently into the eyes of the young chef and point his katana. Guy Fieri continued speaking, despite the transfixing gaze of the Dread Lord. "And although you may have bested me last time, it won't happen again." With this Guy Fieri plunged his hand into a black nothingness which appeared out of nowhere, and pulled a pair of spiked gauntlets out of it. He put them on, rushing towards the Dread Lord with a mighty howl akin to the sound of a bunch of marbles in a blender. He swung his right fist at the Dread Lord, but his straight was blocked by a katana. Fieri followed up his first attack with a left hook, but the Dread Lord did a backflip and caught Fieri's fist between his thighs. Fieri swung the back of his right hand towards the Dread Lord with extreme prejudice, but the Dread Lord blocked with his Katana again. Fieri's strike was harder than the Dread Lord expected, though, and it knocked the Katana away from him, sticking into the nearby sofa. The Dread Lord released Fieri's hand from the vice-grip of his thighs.

Fieri and the Dread Lord circled one another, each of the men silently willing the other to strike first. Finally, Fieri gave in, and lashed his fist out violently towards the Dread Lord. The Dread Lord caught his fist, and then when Fieri swung the other one, he caught it as well. Guy Fieri let out a silent, "Damn it..." and the Dread Lord suplexed Guy Fieri so hard that he exploded. Cooking Mama was not sad that Guy Fieri was dead, though, because Guy Fieri was a creature of Satan, and would regenerate over the course of a year.

As the Dread Lord prepared to do a victory lap around the Heinous Tower of Eternal Torment, Cooking Mama's fist made contact with the Dread Lord's throat. Staggered, the Dread Lord stumbled backwards into the sofa. Cooking Mama picked up her Glaive off of the ground, and the Dread Lord drew his Katana out of the sofa. "Give up, Dread Lord. Guy Fieri's assault weakened you. You've tired yourself out." The Dread Lord's answer to this was to throw himself off of the couch and towards Cooking Mama, swinging the Katana in a horizontal line in front of him. Cooking Mama blocked this with the handle of her Glaive, and pulled the Katana out of his hands. The Dread Lord fell to his knees in awe of Cooking Mama, and began to sob uncontrollably. This did nothing to stop Cooking Mama's fury as she forced the Glaive through the skull of the Dread Lord.