This story is a sequel to my "Kitty McKay" which was originally intended to be a one-shot character study but my writing demon within, Boris, has decided he wants to hear more of this tale. Probably after it got nominated for a Stargate Fan Award woo! I was pretty psyched. It's better if you read "Kitty McKay" first but I think it might still make sense if you've haven't. "Kitty McKay" was about 2 pages. This one is already about 25… and this first chapter I'm posting is a long one for me (6 pages). I hope you like. Oh, and the title is based on "Suddenly Seymour" – a song from "The Little Shop of Horrors" musical. I'd really appreciate it if you let me know what you think of this one.
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I'm in trouble and it's all his fault. Him and his cat. Well, at least I like to blame them so I don't have to accept responsibility myself. I've never made the smartest choices when it comes to men but things are so much worse now than they have ever been. I've made the most horrible mistake and I have no clue what to do about it.
I can't even begin to say how much I wish he were still here, just up the corridor from me. Of course, if he were then more than likely I wouldn't have the nerve to ask him for help. It's not that I'd be trying to avoid the lecture that would follow – I'd gladly welcome one from him right now – it's more that I'm not certain I would risk getting him involved.
Lately, I've been imagining what he'd do if he were here. Would he step in and fix everything for me? Would he even give a damn? I think he would. I hope he would.
Especially since it's his fault. Technically. After all, it all started when a guy from the Air Force knocked on my door with a package for me. Inside was a DVD. And on it, a video recording. It was the man himself. Talking about life, the universe and everything. At great length. The man whose cat was missing him so terribly.
I was getting extremely worried about the cat. Her evening depression had been steadily turning into an all day thing. She'd pretty much stopped eating altogether. The vet had even referred me to an animal psychologist. Not that it had been any help whatsoever but I had to try.
The arrival of the video changed everything. Sometimes when I put it on for her to watch, she'll sit there meowing happily, 'chatting' to the man on the screen. Other times she'll snooze, purring as she listens to the sound of his voice. She demands that I play it at least once a day – with the same insistence other cats demand their dinner.
I guess I'm glad that although only a tiny section of the extremely long message was for me, they gave me the whole thing. It has the occasional strange edit – most likely to remove any sensitive material that had slipped out during his ramblings – but for the most part it's like a completely unrestrained stream of consciousness outpouring. The man had always loved the sound of his own voice.
Anyway, it's good that it's almost an hour long as it keeps the cat happy without bugging me by being overly repetitive. If it were only my small bit over and over it would have driven me nuts. As it is, I don't mind at all. It's not like I sit and watch it myself every time. It's more like background noise. Almost like having him drop by for a while every day. A visit that he spends with the cat though, with only a minute or so where he actually addresses me. Sounds like it'd be typical.
I like it though. Not that I'd admit it to anyone. I tell myself that it's for the cat but the truth is, I'm starting to feel like never hearing his voice again would really suck. So much so that – taking his advice funnily enough – I've made several back up copies. I don't understand it and I probably don't want to but I think I might like him. He's such a part of my life now – not just because of the daily video. One of my professors had found out that I knew him and that he'd been the one who had helped me improve my thesis.
"Ah, Dr Rodney McKay…" The professor had smirked. "I've worked with him before many years ago. Brilliant but an unbearable ass."
Still, the professor had been more than happy to assist when I expressed an interest in taking a look at some of Dr McKay's past work. Even though at this stage I barely understood most of it, reading through his published papers lead me to what was now my greatest love. Before my degree had been all about general science – with leanings towards biology because I guess it felt safe – now it was physics all the way, baby. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be brave enough and sure enough to branch out so drastically let alone be looking at doing a PhD focussing mainly on Quantum Mechanics.
The universe was so vast. It had always frightened me with its limitlessness. It was too big. Too incomprehensible. Too much for me. I wasn't good enough. Not smart enough. Now, because of his papers and because of his words on the video – his eyes alight with passion as he talked about his love for physics - all I saw in the limitlessness of the universe was unlimited possibilities. And maybe that some of those possibilities could be for me.
I'm trying so very desperately to hold onto those beliefs. Especially my very tenuous belief in myself. I want to spend the rest of my life exploring the mysteries of the universe. I'm this close to applying for a place in the PhD program and it's crazy but my professors seem to think I'd have no trouble getting in. When I started my degree I had planned to maybe be a science teacher or some kind of lab tech more likely. I know now I can do more than that. I know I don't have to settle and it's all because of Dr McKay.
"Look, I know you really couldn't care less what I think…" He says to me daily from god knows how far away. "…but for what it's worth I think you have a lot of potential. Your thesis shows that you have a unique and insightful perspective on your subject matter and that you have innate grasp on some concepts that many supposedly brilliant scientists still don't truly understand. I mean it's early days yet – you still have a lot to learn – but I guess what I'm saying is that I can see where you're heading. If you follow through and realise that potential. Don't ever listen to some dickhead who says you're not smart enough – because I'm telling you that you are – and I of all people should know…"
He pauses there, probably distracted by the reminder of how much of a genius he is. From there his mind wanders to another tangent.
"You know… I had… um… sort of a dream about you a few months ago. Nothing sordid, I swear. My point is that in the… dream… I was home and you knocked on my door. You said you missed me. Which of course is crazy and would never happen in real life but what I wanted to say, I guess, is that it was nice. It's nice to imagine that maybe back home people might think about me from time to time. I don't even know why I'm telling you this… Ford, erase that part."
Whoever Ford is, he obviously didn't erase it. In fact he didn't erase any of the sections that Dr McKay seemed to regret. Those remained even though the recording had been hacked up in other places. Words and whatnot cut out so that some phrases were too garbled to really understand.
One of my favourite parts – apart from the bit where he says I have potential and the part about the cat – is his heartfelt message to his sister. It's disturbing as well, however, because he speaks of contemplating his own demise and hoping they make it through something dire. This bothers me deeply, more than I care to think about. He seems so sad and scared yet so brave in this moment.
Of course, I know now that whatever it was they made it through. A few weeks after the video was delivered, the guy from the Air Force returned. With a bottle of wine. I let him in. He was really good looking and seemed nice enough. Plus I was desperate for more news about Dr McKay. The Air Force guy was more than happy to tell me anything I wanted to know – nothing classified unfortunately but enough to know that Dr McKay and his 'surrogate family' were still alive and well. And for some reason they were no longer uncontactable. Semi-regular mail was now possible.
The Captain was my only point of contact with the Air Force and therefore, the only way to get in touch with Dr McKay and it turned out that after we started dating he was no longer willing to discuss anything to do with Dr McKay. Not that I was sure I wanted to get in contact with him but I didn't dare even broach the subject with the Captain.
He'd already made it abundantly clear that he was not happy with the daily viewing of the DVD so I made sure that the cat and I had it on only when the Captain wasn't around – which was mostly when he was on duty. As time went on I learned to also remove the disk from my DVD player as soon as we were done too. And then later to also hide it.
One disk had already been snapped in two so my backup copies were now being looked after by a friend in one of my labs at the University. She sort of bought my story about them being important for my cat – my friend though the cat's devotion to her owner was adorable – but she definitely wasn't impressed by the reason the backups had to be stored somewhere other than my home. We weren't particularly close though so she never actually said anything and I most definitely didn't tell her when things got worse.
Things started to escalate not long after the next package arrived from the Air Force. This time it wasn't delivered by my boyfriend, the Captain – it simply came in the mail. Luckily my boyfriend wasn't home when it arrived because it was from Dr McKay. Since he'd found out – by reading my bank statements for some reason - that Dr McKay was pretty much funding my tuition, he'd started insinuating rather nastily that I'd slept with Dr McKay in exchange for the money.
The letter read: "I recently received word from Professor Quinn that if I were willing the University has approved my appointment as your PhD thesis advisor. I must say that I was flattered but not entirely surprised given the direction your studies are taking you – and my exemplary qualifications in that field of course. Congratulations on turning your back on the dark side (biology) and finding the truth path (physics). Professor Quinn sent me some of the latest papers you've written and I was quite impressed.
"I am willing to take on this long distance role provided that you realise it will be several weeks between replies. If you have any more urgent questions, I've included Colonel Samantha Carter's email address and phone number – she's an astrophysicist amongst other things and would be the only person I'd trust to be almost as good as me – and although she can sometimes be a little hard to get a hold of – she'd be able to get back to you quicker than I can.
"I've discussed all this with her and she's also been kind enough to gather together some theoretical papers that I want you to look over – they should be enclosed with this letter. It will give you a better idea of what you're in for if you do decide to go ahead with me as your advisor. I can promise you it won't be easy – not only because of the distance but because I'll be expecting a lot from you. Don't feel you have to rush into a decision right away, just email me with your impressions and thoughts about the information I've sent you and the Air Force will forward it to me as soon as it's possible. We can go from there.
"So… I hope that you're backing up your work regularly and that the temperature where you are is pleasant. Say hi to the cat, maybe give her a hug or something from me. I hope she's been behaving herself (I know she has). There's a possibility I might be in town briefly within the next few months so if that does come about I was hoping to visit her – if that would be alright with you. Could be a chance to chat about your thesis in person as well. Anyway, look forward to hearing from you. Dr Rodney McKay."
Above his name was a digital signature, probably signed by him with a stylus on a tablet PC or something. His signature managed to find a balance somewhere between scientist scrawl and self-importance. Somehow even though it was just printed on the page it made the letter feel very personal and real. Proof that the man still existed outside of my television screen and memories.
Underneath his name was a short PS. "The food here isn't bad but it's nothing compared to your butter chicken and/or tuna mornay."
I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that Professor Quinn went ahead and contacted Dr McKay – but I hadn't even applied for the PhD program yet and everyone seemed to be acting as if I'd already been accepted. Though, Dr McKay probably didn't know that.
At first I wanted to write straight back to him and let him know that I wasn't even sure about doing my PhD but then decided to wait until I'd done the work he'd set for me. Like he said, I didn't have to rush into anything and I was extremely interested in reading the papers he'd picked out for me. They were very complex and I didn't understand half of it. Professor Quinn helped me with some of it but he assured me that Dr McKay was more than likely not expecting me to understand it – more that I'd understand it just enough to ask the right questions.
I worked very hard on my response but if it weren't for Professor Quinn's not-so-gentle pushing I might not have sent it. I was more than a little daunted at having Dr McKay read my work again. Especially now that the stakes were higher. It was almost easier when he thought I wasn't that smart. Now that he was taking an interest and that he thought I had 'potential', I kept thinking that he'd made a massive error in judgement. I didn't want to prove that to be true.
In the attached cover letter, I wrote: "Dear Dr McKay. First of all, I should let you know that I haven't yet been accepted – or in fact even applied – to do my PhD. Professor Quinn jumped the gun a bit but even if for whatever reason it doesn't eventuate I would still appreciate any insights into the realm of physics that you'd be willing to share."
Obviously, that was probably opening a can of worms but I was willing to take that risk.
"I know I have a lot to learn but even if I don't necessarily have anything to contribute myself to the field… this will sound corny… but physics just makes me happy. It's what I want to do. So I guess I should do it, right? Anyway, as requested I have attached my impressions regarding the papers you sent. I hope it was what you were after.
"I didn't get a chance to thank you for your generosity before you left. Be assured that I will endeavour to pay back the amounts spent on my education as soon as possible. I'm very grateful for the chance to continue my studies without the pressure – and distraction - of needing to work several jobs to pay for my tuition. So, thank you.
"You said in the video the Air Force sent me that you wonder if anyone is missing you – well, your cat most certainly is. She is doing much better since the video arrived and she can hear your voice. Back to her old self almost. I'm taking very good care of her – as you know, she means a lot to me. I'm sure she would very much appreciate you coming to see her if you get a chance.
"Anyway, hope things are good where you are – certainly from the very little I know they're at least better than when you made that tape. And hopefully I'll hear from you in a few weeks then."
Since my boyfriend reacted very badly to any mention of Dr McKay, I didn't tell the Captain anything about the package from him or the possibility of him becoming my thesis advisor. The Captain wasn't particularly supportive of me continuing my studies anyway – especially since they were funded by Dr McKay.
I had figured that what he didn't know couldn't hurt him – or me. I was wrong.
I was still awaiting a response from Dr McKay, when the Captain was passed over for promotion for the second time. At least that's what he told me – I had my suspicions that it might have been more times than that from the way he reacted. Apparently being passed over also meant not being considered for some new posting he wanted. For a few days he was unbearable – especially mean and demanding. He even tried to kick the cat a couple of times but she always got away and hid under my bed.
I was so looking forward to him gradually calming down and getting over it when somehow he came across Dr McKay's letter amongst all my papers.
"What the hell is this?" He wanted to know – but obviously wasn't expecting an answer. "You're writing to this asshole now?"
"He might be my thesis advisor." I responded weakly.
"You're not even doing your PhD! Come on! As if you're even going to get a place! You do realise he only said all this crap so he could get into your pants. Not that he needs to bother since you're obviously already been willing to do him for the money! That is the only reason he even pretends to give a shit about your college crap. Plus there is no way Colonel Carter would ever have the time for someone like you! She's an important and brilliant woman! McKay has always had a thing for her – he's probably using you to get to her. They're probably laughing about you together right now!"
"That's not true." I responded, trying to hold back the tears. Tears tended to just make him nastier.
He paraphrased in a mocking voice. "Might come visit the cat – chat about your thesis in person – I miss your cooking? That's all he wants from you – a hot meal and a hot woman to screw."
I tried to just walk away but he grabbed me, shoving me against the wall. His eyes grew very dark, his voice turned quiet and raspy.
"McKay thinks he's so shit hot. I can't believe that spineless weasel is in the program and I'm not. There is no way I'm letting a geek asshole like him touch my woman ever again. Do you hear me? If you even THINK about cheating on me, I'll kill you."
"I wouldn't…" I stammered, the tears finally spilling.
Without a moment of hesitation he cut me off by backhanding me across the face and I slid down the wall, sobbing. The cat responded to this by biting him hard on the ankle. She dug her claws in to get a better grip as she chomped. He screamed and shook his leg hard to get her off, landing a solid kick in her side, as she finally had to let go.
"I can't stand the sight of you right now." The Captain snarled. "I'll be back tomorrow night… if you're lucky. Maybe by then you won't be a filthy slut." He slammed the door on the way out.
The next morning I was at the vet's as soon as it opened, almost hysterical with fear for the cat. To my relief, she was totally fine. Not even a bruise. The elderly vet was very kind and wouldn't let me leave until he examined my cheekbone –I mustn't have done a very good job of covering up the bruise with makeup.
"You should listen to your cat's instincts, my dear." He spoke carefully. "A man who is not kind to animals is not someone with whom a pretty girl like you should be associating. Perhaps your other gentleman friend – the one who inspires so much devotion in his pet – would be a better companion?"
"Probably." I agreed quietly, remembering Dr McKay's expressive hands and crooked grin. He had a temper too but with him it was all bluster. It was almost cute. I shook myself. What was I thinking? The Captain would go nuts if I even continued corresponding with Dr McKay.
Even so, the cat and I went home and watched the DVD together a couple of times. She was extra affectionate as I sat there thinking about things. Dreading the Captain's return that night, I made up my mind that I was going to break up with him.
Unfortunately, all that ended up getting broken that night was my wrist.
So now, I'm sitting here in front of my computer – the one Dr McKay fixed and upgraded for me so long ago – with my arm still in a cast and fresh bruises on my face. My ribs are sore and I'm terrified. Not because the Captain is due back in a few hours but because there is a new email in my inbox and it's from Dr McKay.