Harry Potter Finds a Philosopher's Stone
Harry
Potter was an attention seeker born in 1988 in Pomville. He was also
a snitch seeker in the game Quidditch, because seeker is obviously
the most attention seeking position on the pitch because it has the
word "seek" in it, so Harry had to be it.
He drew a scar
on his forehead every morning as a way to attract the attention of
the girls. But girls didn't like him because of his clothes which
were tatty and dirty because he sold all his good clothes to a house
elf in 1994 in return for some magic beans. However Harry
accidentally ate the beans in 1995 because his aunt and uncle were
making spaghetti bolognese and were missing the red kidney beans, but
the magic beans were green so the spaghetti tasted gross.
Skipping ahead, after a few years people realised Harry was cool because he could speak to snakes, which if you haven't tried is hard to do. Harry's cousin wasn't cool cause he couldn't talk to snakes cause he was fat and sat on them instead.
After half a year at some magic school in 1999 Harry knew how to open locks so he broke in and robbed stores and got thrown in jail, but he opened the lock on that too and then opened the belt buckle on the guard's belts so their pants fell down and one was wearing love heart undies and the were so embarrassed that they let him go.
At the end of that year
Harry suffered severe internal injuries cause a ghost spirit thing of
Voldemort passed through his chest, messing up the organs inside and
on his way out gave Harry a tattoo of a penis on his back.
This
happened AFTER Harry turned Professor Squirrel into stone which is
impossible because Harry is not bloody Medusa.
Harry was pretty pissed at Voldemort, partly because he had killed his parents. Also partly cuz he had a bad headache.
Harry decided he didn't like Voldemort, and also decided that he might have to verse him in the future, so he decided to stock up on the HP trading cards so he was sure to have the right card to block Voldemort's spells when they next met.