Tasslehoff and the Cheese Golem

Underneath the dark blue sky, on a warm evening in the first month of spring, the kender Tasslehoff Burrfoot walked along the dirt trail that led outside of Kendermore. Standing a little over three foot, his brown hair tied in a top-knot. He carried his hoopak in his arms and wore his brown leather vest over his blue cotton shirt. His leather breeches and leather boots were covered in a layer of dust and crumbs.

As he continued down the dirt path until he saw a small wooden cottage. The kender looked around the green grassy area that surrounded the cottage and said,"I wonder if the owner of this place is around here somewhere."

A low growl came from inside his stomach. Tasslehoff placed a hand over his empty stomach. "I haven't eaten anything since Uncle Trapspringer's wedding. Maybe whoever lives here will generously give me something for supper."

With a wide smile, Tas walked up the cottage's door. He turned the doorknob with his hand, but then he quickly realized it was locked. With a sigh, he slipped his fingers into his pouch and drew one of his lock picks. "Honestly, why do people lock their doors. If the owner of this house was outside, he or she would end up locking himself out." After a minute of working the lock, he successfully picked it. "And this isn't even a good lock."

After drawing his pick from the lock and placed it in his pocket, Tas pushed the door opened and walked inside.

The walls of the cottage's living room were painted white. A large wooden shelf full of old books was left to the door. Directly across from the bookshelf was a small fireplace that let out a crackle as the flames burned the wood. The windows were decorated with long creamy white curtains. Tas walked over to a small glass cabinets containing seven small porcelain plates-four of which quickly found their way into the kender's pouch. When he saw the plates in his pouch, the kender shook his head. "They should keep those plates in the kitchen, or else they could break."

Tas started towards the door that he believed led to the kitchen, but stopped when two small leather bound books jumped from the shelf, and flew at the kender. Using quick reflexes, Tas swung his hoopak, deflecting both of the books-one flying into the fireplace, and other landing near the staircase. Two more books flew from the shelf. Tas caught one book hard in the stomach, and the other just barely flew over his head. The kender let out a cough and dropped the book on the ground, then looked over at the shelf. "I wonder if anymore books are going to fly at me," he said with a bit of curiosity in his voice.

"You better be prepared to eat steel you beast," a gruff voice yelled from the staircase. Tas looked over, seeing a broad shouldered dwarf, with a gray beard. He wore a blue shirt, dark cotton pants, and a white starch apron. The dwarf carried a battle-axe over his shoulders. When the dwarf realized that it was a kender in his living room, he brought his axe forward. "Who are you, and where did you come from?"

The kender smiled and extended his hand to the dwarf. "My name is Tasslehoff Burrfoot. I just came from Kendermore, where my Uncle Trapspringer had just gotten married to the kender maiden I was engaged to. I haven't eaten since their wedding, which I think was yesterday, but I'm not too sure."

Hearing the kender's words, the dwarf lowered his axe. "My name is Armand Sweetbread, and I'm really sorry lad. I've known some friends who have had their hearts broken, but don't worry, you'll find someone to marry."

Tasslehoff laughed and shook his head. "No, no. See, It all started when I was with my friends back at the Inn of the Last Home, thats all the way back in Solace. Tanis decided that we all separate for five years, to embark on separate adventures. Just as I was sharing a drink with Tanis, and Flint-he's dwarf too, a dwarf bounty hunter named Gisella Hornslager came into the inn-"

A loud crash of pots and pans came from the kitchen. Tas was somewhat irritated that the noise had interrupted his story. The dwarf brought his battle axe forward in a fast motion, almost slicing off a piece of the kender's ear.

"You should be careful with that," Tas scolded. He was about explain to the dwarf that swinging around sharp weapons so recklessly, could end up cutting some innocent bystander's head off, but then he saw the frightened expression on the dwarf's face. "It's loose," Armand whispered.

"What's loose?" Tas asked curiously, as the noises from the kitchen grew louder. The dwarf looked at Tas, then shook his head.

"My wife Seralyn is a woman who dabbles in magic," Armand began in a quiet voice "One night she decided that she would make dinner. Usually I'll cook up a steamy pot of potatoes, or a rich juicy pair of steaks, but that night, she had insisted she bake something."

At the mention of dinner, Tasslehoff's stomach growled in hunger. He let out a sigh, and continued to listen. "Seralyn is a woman who dabbles in magic. For dinner, she was making a sweet rich, pastry of some kind. It smelled wonderful too. All seemed to be going well, until she accidentally knocked a vial of potion into the dough. After she put int the over for about an hour, what came out was-"

The dwarf's words were finished when the kitchen door shattered into several small pieces. Standing above the broken pieces, was a large creature that resembled a huge pile of bread dough with melted cheese mixed with it. It had two large sausages for eyes, and tomato sauce dripped from it's mouth like saliva.

Tas stared at the creature in astonishment and said," Your wife made that?"

Armand nodded his head and replied," Yes, our Cheese Golem. We tried to keep it locked in the basement, but when I went to make dinner for the wife, before she came home, it got out of the basement."

Before Tas could turn to Armand and ask how one would go about killing a Cheese Golem, the Golem spat a thin line of tomato sauce at the kender, The sauce hit the kender's vest with a soft hiss.

Though he could feel the sauce burning through his leather vest, Tas brushed up some of the sauce with his fingers and tasted it. It burning his mouth, but it was also rich and creamy. Not too bad, he thought.

Armand ran forward, swinging his axe at the Golem's midsection. If it were any other foe; such as a goblin, bugbear, or even an ogre, Armand's keen axe would have cut through the body. Halfway through his swing, Armand's axe got stuck in the thick gooey dough that made up the creature's insides. A large mass of dough-shaped into a fist, slammed hard into the dwarf. Armand staggered for a moment, releasing the handle of his axe. A thick line of sauce flew from the Golem's mouth, spraying the dwarf across his face, As he tried to wipe the sauce from his eyes, Armand stumbled back and fell to the hard wooden floor..

Holding his hoopak, Tas stepped forward and swung at the creature. The kender's weapon would have hit (or more likely would have gotten stuck), if the hoopak had not flew out of his hands and landed near the dwarf.

Turning it's attention to the one who had just stepped next to it, the Cheese Golem stretched out a long, thick tendril that wrapped around the kender's face. Tas tried to yell for help, but his mouth was full of warm, melted cheese, gooey dough, and hot, rich tomato sauce. The kender's stomach let out a growl, and suddenly Tasslehoff began to eat the delicious tendril. The Cheese Golem let out a groan as Tas finished the tendril, and began eating the cheese creature's shoulder.

Wiping the sauce from his face, Armand couldn't believe it when he saw the kender eating the Cheese Golem's body. Though he was a little sad to see his wife's creation being eaten, he was glad that he could now go into his basement, without fear of setting the creature loose.

The Cheese Golem tried to pry the kender off with a large misshapen arm, but Tasslehoff's appetite was strong. He continued eating the creature until it was no more. After he finished the last piece of the Cheese Golem, Tas laid down on the floor and let out a burp. "That was delicious."

"Armand dear, what was that?" asked a clean shaved dwarf woman from the doorway. She wore beautiful white robes with runes stitched down the sides. Her thick red hair was lined with streaks of gray.

Grabbing his axe, Armand turned to his wife. "Nothing Seralyn just a little trouble with the creature, but it's over now. I was just about to start dinner."

"I see," Seralyn said, seeing the sauce on her husband's face. Her green eyes to the kender laying on the floor, his face covered with small patches of cheese and sauce. "And who are you, young kender?"

Tasslehoff raised his head and looked at Seralyn. "My name is Tasslehoff Burrfoot. I came from my Uncle Trapspringer's wedding." Normally, he would explained more, but instead came a loud burp. He quickly lay his head back down and groaned.

Seralyn walked over to her husband and kissed his cheek. "Well I won't hold you any longer dear," she said in a loving voice. Then she turned to Tas and asked," Will you be joining us for dinner Tasslehoff?"

Tas let out a hiccup and shook his head. "No thank you, I'm stuffed."

For Tom, Happy Birthday.

Note: This story takes place a little after the novel Kendermore. Tasslehoff isn't a character of mine, nor is the world he resides in.