Holding On to Let Go
Writers Note: Just a brief intro to give you an idea of what I hope to accomplish.
Writing this story I have two goals in mind.
One is to really work on my "show, don't tell" problems that I have by trying much harder to let description and dialogue tell the story rather than narrative. To do that, I hope to write a series of stories, starting from the beginning here, that focus on a particular Shepard and her issues that define her command style as well as her relationships. Ultimately, I hope to, in short order, bring this up to date with the events of ME 2. Whether I succeed at my tasks is entirely up to the reader and ANY reviews or comments would be appreciated, especially in light of my previous stories.
This tale and "Through a Looking Glass Darkly" are my experiments at improving my writing style and hopefully creating more compelling portraits of these beloved characters.
Liara looked anxiously around the mess room on the Normandy, a full tray in hand. It was dinner time and the crew was gathered, their usually strict military personas now fallen away. The full human social experience could be viewed in this place as one could see everything from boisterous laughing in one corner to the most secretive whispers being exchanged in another. This was life aboard ship for the men and women of the Normandy. Well, at least the human ones.
She had just arrived aboard after being saved by Commander Shepard on the fiery world of Therum, and not only did she stick out like a "fish out of water" among the crew, a phrase she learned from Kaiden, but also she had the stigma of being the daughter of a Matriarch associated with their enemy Saren. Her unfamiliarity with the social graces of mankind also added to her problems, all of which now conspired to make the seemingly simple choice of where to seat herself seem like the most difficult and complex decision she had to make in her life thus far.
Scanning her nervous eyes from left to right, across views of young and bright faces all seemingly entangled in conversations both frivolous and weighty, she finally saw a glimmer of a hope as to where to plant herself. There sitting in a far corner was another "fish out of water", a suited Quarian female fidgeting with what looked to be a tube of nutrition paste. Her hands were attempting to find a way to open the brown, colored tube, ostensibly that shade as to represent the "meatloaf and gravy" flavor that was contained within.
Liara approached cautiously, between the rows of seated humans, as if afraid at any moment she would be assaulted by an unfriendly glare or a cruel remark. To her surprise all the people she passed by seemed more interested in discussing the latest extranet release or why a certain male had not 'dated' in three years than paying any attention to the self-conscious asari.
She exhaled as she finally reached the table of the Quarian, expressing her satisfaction after passing through what she expected would be a terrible gauntlet.
"Greetings. I am Dr. Liara T'Soni. I was hoping I might sit with you?" she said in the friendliest voice she could muster.
The Quarian did not respond immediately, her attention seemingly fixed on unraveling the challenge before her. Her long, agile fingers looked clumsy now as so a simple a task seemed beyond her.
"You bosh'tet!" she said in frustration, dropping the tube on the table in surrender.
"I can help you with that, if you'd like" Liara offered with a forced smile, doing her best to seem approachable.
The Quarian finally turned her attention to her, a pair of glowing eyes flaring ever so briefly beneath her helmet as if the female were scanning Liara as to ascertain her trustworthiness.
"Hm, maybe. I am Tali. Tali'Zora nar Rayya. I would say it's nice to meet you but I am very, very hungry…"
Liara sat, plopping her tray firmly across from her new friend. She reached over and grabbed the hastily discarded tube and looked at the small, printed instructions on its side.
"Please pull this tab to open" it read.
With a quick motion of her hand, the top of the tube fell off and rolled on the table before her.
Tali stared at the top as it helplessly made small circles on the flat surface before her.
"Well. Directions. Yes, I guess those are important," the Quarian said meekly.
Liara smiled.
"So, I noticed you were sitting alone…" she winced at the awkwardness of her own question.
"The crew is nice enough, but humans talk about odd things when they are together in large groups," Tali began as if unfazed by Liara's directness, "Some of it is kind of…well, gross. I once sat between a gathering of soldiers and heard the intimate details of human mating acts." Tali said as she shuddered at the thought.
"That can be…unpleasant I am sure"
"Tell me about it. It all seems so messy with all sorts of fluid exchange in orifices here and there. Not very sanitary, if you ask me" Tali said.
Perhaps some of the human brusqueness had rubbed off on the Quarian woman, as Liara thought even those words were too much information.
"Um, yes. Ah, how are you getting along in your sleeping area?" Liara said, desperately trying to change the subject.
For a time, they engaged in pleasant small talk. Tali had a lot to say about the engineering of the ship, its amazing craftsmanship and how excited she was to be a part of something like this. She spoke of her Pilgrimage and its purpose to her people.
Liara listened intently, pleased to be making a new friend and her anxiety about her position aboard ship began to fade away.
The door leading to the eating area swung open, and suddenly everyone's attention shifted to the figure now engaged in preparing a tray.
Liara felt a slight stirring in her being, but she could not quite name it. Similar to her excited interest when she found an artifact of great historical worth, but with a tinge of something else…more than just academic but…
The woman began to approach, a cocky grin seemingly painted on her face. Liara had formed very few opinions on human appearance, but even to her inexperienced eyes the person before her had an intense, almost breathtaking beauty. She had wavy, dark hair, part of which gently cascaded down in front of one of her eyes. Her skin had the appearance of porcelain; her eyes were narrow and slanted with a look of worldliness about them but retaining a remnant of playfulness within. She had full lips, uncolored with any sort of make up as was the rest of her face. She was a natural and striking image, so gentle and seemingly fragile in its exquisiteness. The only indication this was a warrior before them was the long scar that ran from her cheek to just above her right eyebrow. Even then, it only added to her charm, her magnetism.
She was coming towards Liara and her new friend. She passed by the respectful faces of her crew without acknowledging them, as if she was so focused on a task before her. She stopped, still wearing her self-assuredness on her face with a full tray being upheld by both hands.
"Well, am I allowed to join this exclusive club of exceptional and talented women?" she said in a voice that was deep and rich with experience and the confidence that came with that.
Liara and Tali looked at each other, almost as if unsure how they should respond to so simple a question.
"Hm, am I not allowed to sit with you, then?" the woman said with an exaggerated pout.
Liara was suddenly was gripped by fear that she had done something terribly rude. Had she offended the woman before her?
"Ah! I apologize Commander Shepard, it is just that…well, it is just that…" Liara said, stumbling over her words.
"We are surprised you'd sit over here with us, is all" Tali finally said, rescuing Liara from her clumsiness.
The Commander smiled and without waiting for further confirmation sat down right next to Liara. For a soldier, Shepard certainly did not neglect her feminine side when off duty. Her scent wafted over to the asari's nose and she could not help but be surprised by how good she smelled. It was a mix she didn't recognize but her sense acknowledged it was very pleasing.
"Why shouldn't I sit with the two newest members of my crew? I haven't had a chance to get to know either of you and I saw an opportunity to do so outside of getting shot at and having full-grown Krogan charge us" Shepard said with a smile.
The woman had a natural air of authority about her. It was reflected even in the way she sat. Tall, back straight all very prim and proper as if being in charge was just part of her being, whether of a ship or of a dinner table. It was very intimidating.
"How are you two getting along aboard ship? No trouble, I hope?" Shepard said.
"It is very exciting!" Tali said, overflowing with a youthful enthusiasm, "but all very quiet, really. Only at eating times are there noises that help me remember…well, remember home. Usually it is too quiet…"
"Oh? I imagine the Migrant Fleet is full of activity. I hope you get used it, but as you can see we humans can be VERY loud when we want to be!" Shepard said as she gestured to the chattering crowd behind them. She then turned to the one sitting next to her, focusing her eyes straight at the target of her next inquiry.
Under the gaze of the Commander, Liara felt like a withering flower under a hot sun. She peeked out of the corner of her eye towards the human, but felt if she would turn her head completely and look into those deep eyes she would be drawn into them and say something terribly stupid.
"So, Dr. T'Soni, tell me, is your living situation suitable? I apologize that the back of the Med Bay is not quite as fitting for someone of your credentials"
"Oh nothing to apologize for, Commander" Liara said, still facing away from Shepard, "it is small, but comfortable. I can just manage to squeeze into my bed well enough"
"I'd offer a renowned Prothean expert my own quarters if it would help, but I am unsure if you'd like my choice of decorations"
Liara was unsure if the Commander was being nice or implying something else altogether, but her face suddenly felt as if it was on fire.
"Then again, I probably am too small to fit into your room's bed should we switch anyway…"
Ah, she had jumped to conclusions. Why was her mind treading down roads that were so…well, irrational? The Commander was merely being kind and making conversation. What is wrong with you, Liara?
After a time of talking with one another, Tali finally stood and excused herself, being tired and ready to get to bed. Liara wondered what she should do now, or what the protocol was for when someone sitting across from you leaves. She should stay sitting next to the Commander or move to the other side? Her mind went through different scenarios attempting to choose the best course of action. Why was she approaching such decisions with a ridiculous level of detail?
"Well, it looks like it is just us," said the Commander.
"Ah, yes." She responded.
"Well, Liara. I like to get to know my crew. Tell me about yourself"
Liara thought for a moment. What could she say? She was only 106 years old, very inexperienced among her people. Most of her life thus far had been training and classes preparing for the balance of her existence. That or sitting alone in dark and dusty locales looking for long forgotten clues to the Prothean's secrets while occasionally making stops in civilization for resupply.
"Well, Commander…"
"You can call me Sheena"
"Ah, well…Sheena" she said struggling with the informality of the Commander's first name, "Well there is not much to say really. I haven't lived a very interesting life so far, being just a Maiden"
"A Maiden? I see. Well, I would disagree, as someone of your knowledge and expertise does not gain such without having some adventures and interesting characteristics"
"Well, recently on a few digs…"
Liara began to tell of her recent finds and exploration. Before she knew it she was becoming very animated, the excitement of her excavations flooding back to her with their retelling. She didn't even notice how the rest of the people in the room slowly began to depart until, some time later, it was just her and Shepard sitting alone. The Commander listening, Liara talking.
"It is amazing to think how incredibly advanced such a people could be and how seemingly quickly they could disappear, a great mystery that has kept me enthralled for quite awhile…" Liara said, winding down after a particularly long monologue. She suddenly became very aware that she had talked for nearly two hours, with only the smallest chance for Shepard to speak. Even so, 'Sheena' had retained an interested look in her eyes, nodding, asking the occasional question showing her engagement in the conversation.
"I had not heard much of the Prothean's but the occasional myth and fairytale. I hope eventually whatever happened in my head thanks to the Beacon will be able to help us. Help YOU, really considering your interest" Shepard said.
"That's not my only interest in you!" Liara exclaimed.
Shepard raised an eyebrow and Liara suddenly realized the insinuation she had unknowingly made in her statement.
"Ah, I mean, I am interested in you. You, as a person I mean. Your person-ality. Your…" Liara was frantic now, trying to backpedal furiously to a point before she made a fool of herself.
Shepard gently placed a hand on her shoulder.
"You needn't worry, I understand what you mean" she said.
"Oh, I am glad. I feel terribly embarrassed. I have been trying to find out more about you. To get to know you better, you see. I have read your history and…"
Suddenly it seemed as if a dark cloud passed over the Commander's face. Her hand pulled away and she fixed her eyes on Liara.
"My history?" she said without a hint of emotion.
"Yes, your history as recorded in your personnel files"
Shepard turned her face, looking straight ahead and away from Liara. She seemed distracted.
"So, what did you find Dr. T'Soni?"
"Admittedly not much. Just that you were born on Earth and…well, that you were involved in some, hm" Liara stopped, realizing far too late where her train of thought was taking her.
"Some what?"
"Well, you had some, uh, issues growing up"
"Issues?"
"I…I am sorry to bring it up. I have been stupid. It's not my business"
"You are right, it really isn't," Shepard said coldly, "If you want to know something about me, ASK me. If I don't tell you, then it isn't for YOU to know"
The words rang in Liara's ears. Why couldn't she think before she spoke?
There was a silence in the room, heavy with unknown thoughts in Shepard's head and regret churning in Liara.
Finally, Shepard stood, grabbing her now empty tray.
"I will see you later, Dr. T'Soni" she said coolly.
"Commander I…" Liara began, but stopped as the Commander gave her a rather icy look, "I…I will look forward to talking to you again" she said hopefully.
With that, she found herself alone again. She stared at her empty plate in frustration.
"Oh, Liara, why can't you just shut-up sometimes?" she muttered to herself.
For a few more moments she sat by herself, reflecting on how sour a note that evening had ended. As bad as it went, she still felt very…compelled to talk to the Commander again. She just hoped she had not ruined any chance of knowing such an interesting woman.
Sheena Shepard made her way back to her quarters. She caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror and stopped to look upon herself, though not out of vanity. She ran her fingers over the scar on her face as touching it would bring all her other senses to life with memory. She began to see the same, familiar imagery that had produced so deep a wound.
Then, in a quick motion, she smashed the mirror with her fist, causing blood to begin pouring from several wounds caused by such action. She stood there and looked down at the sink, watching as her blood dripped on broken glass and swirled down into a void. The pitter patter of each droplet and the now increasing pain in her hand were minor annoyances compared to what was happening in her head.
Well, it a start folks. A bit slow, but I can't drop a nuclear bomb within the first chapter. I could, but it wouldn't make a hell of a lot of sense. Let me know what you think. Hope to see you again in Chapter 2.