Day 2 is here! Hurray!
Here is your daily dose of AkaKuro from me in the form of angst! Get out yo tissues!
Honestly, I'm quite proud of this work, I like how it turned out. Hope you'll like it too.
Have fun!
Clinking Bars
Seijuurou didn't have a lot of free time. Usually he was too preoccupied with his studies, presidential duties and various matters as the next CEO. From dawn to dust he had much tiring business to take care of, he could not allow his mind to wander, therefore by the end of the day his both mental and physical states were exhausted. Oh how would Seijuurou wish just for one evening everything would be calm, no nagging, worrying problems in his life. But at the same time, he wouldn't trade those troubles for anything in the world. No matter however difficult and mentally hard they may be, however easy his studies and duties seemed next to them, however Seijuurou dreamed they didn't exist, he knew that in order to feel true happiness, he had to take the whole package along with it. His leisure was never in a form of a book or a relaxing movie, no, he had much more challenging activities. And not for a moment did the exhausted student ever regretted his choice.
However, no animal can get used to being killed.
So even after this had repeated for so many times, even if Seijuurou had experienced this sort of pounding of his heart as his eyes laid on a certain figure and realized that it had once more happened, each time he felt a little bit of himself die and each time it was harder than the last.
How great it was, though, that Seijuurou had managed to acquire an apartment for them on the other side of the road of his university.
The sun was already setting, the cloudless sky dyed in a gentle mix of orange and red, when Seijuurou finally finished his school work and walked out the front gates. In all honesty, the redhead was planning on perhaps heading to soon-to-be-his company for a little bit of extra work, but as his eyes momentarily passed the other side of the street they caught a flash of teal that made Seijuurou stop in his tracks. Sharply looking back, his heartbeat accelerated to abnormal levels when he realized his never-ending nightmare had come true once more. At that moment he threw all plans out the window and without a moment of hesitation ran across the street (good thing this was a rather secluded neighborhood, Seijuurou specifically chose it for such emergencies). Oh how he hated these times. And they were getting more frequent, too. Each time that fear only kept growing in his heart, slowly eating him away.
He hated this, he hated this, he despised this-
''Tetsuya!'' he gently called out once he was near enough the other, holding his hands up in a surrendering motion.
The said male flinched and froze, his eyes wide as dinner plates dashed around the area before they finally landed on the slowly approaching redhead. Those beautiful blues of his were painted with a variety of emotions, starting with confusion, suspicion and ending with fear. The sheer, raw fear. It hurt Seijuurou greatly to witness such feelings replace the usually expressionless and at times loving look. Alas, it could not be avoided.
''It's okay, you're okay,'' the student continued speaking softly, trying his best to conceal his anxiousness as he kept carefully advancing forward as to not scare the already frightened tealnet. Some time ago Seijuurou made the grave mistake of startling him, which resulted in a nerve-wracking chase. He did not wish to repeat that experience.
The slightly by now trembling male instinctively took a small step back as Seijuurou kept growing closer. Once again, this sent a pang to his heart, but that would have to wait. First, he had to calm the other down.
''I won't hurt you, Tetsuya, okay? I'm not a threat,'' the redhead said in a slightly hushed voice, swallowing down his shaking. Breathe, Seijuurou, breathe. ''I'm a friend of yours, Tetsuya.''
''Fr...?'' the tealnet tried repeating the word in confusion, but the sound died down in his throat.
''Look at your left hand, Tetsuya,'' Seijuurou gently asked, moistening his dried lips.
Said male momentarily furrowed his brows, pondering whether he should listen or not for a couple of seconds. In the end, though, after dashing his eyes all over the stranger , he lifted his left hand a bit and glanced at it, his blues widening even more at the sight. There, around his pale ring finger, laid a marvelous golden ring with a small infinity symbol engraving. Puzzlement painting his eyes, Tetsuya lifted his look back to the anxious redhead.
''And look here now...'' Seijuurou said softly, extending his own right hand palm down for the tealnet to see. Much to the latter's surprise, an identical ring adorned his ring finger. ''See? You know me, I'm a friend, therefore I will not harm you.''
''Friend?'' this time Tetsuya asked fully, albeit quietly, his voice now laced with doubt.
''Well, perhaps a bit more, yes,'' Seijuurou's lips shaped into a small, yet bitter smile. ''But that's irrelevant at the moment. You're very confused, aren't you? Not to mention lost.''
The tealnet only observed the other warily without a word.
''Do you...'' Seijuurou once again swallowed, taking a few deeper breaths to calm his wild heart. Everything will be fine, Seijuurou, just breathe. ''Do you remember your name?''
The heavy silence he was met with was all the answer he needed.
''Well, you are Kuroko Tetsuya and I'm Akashi Seijuurou,'' the redhead explained gently. ''We... We live together. Does that ring any bells?''
A slow shake of his head clenched Seijuurou's heart painfully. It really was getting worse.
''W-Well, I swear I would never hurt you, you'll be okay. C-Can I come closer?''
Curse him and his weak voice at times like these.
Tetsuya was incredibly wary, of course he was, that was only natural. However, even if the uneasy man before him was a stranger to him, a strange feeling pulled his heart strings at those trembling rubies looking at him so desperately and that emotional voice. It was as if... somewhere, deep inside, a small caged bird was trying to break free, but the sound of bars clinking did not reach him. Nevertheless, he found himself slowly nodding.
Seijuurou seemed to release a relieved breath at that and took a step closer, finally walking onto the pavement. After quickly glancing over the fragile tealnet, who was dressed only in his nightwear and because of that shivering in the chilly spring evening, Seijuurou slowly took off his jacket and gently wrapped around the smaller male, careful of not making too swift movements. After making sure Tetsuya would not run off anywhere, the redhead took the other's left hand gingerly and intertwined them.
''I understand that you must be very lost, right?'' he murmured as he softly caressed the back of the tealnet's hand with his thumb while the other kept darting his eyes between Seijuurou and their hands. ''I promise, I'll explain everything to you, okay? But first, why don't we head back inside? It's a bit cold out here, isn't it?''
However, as Tetsuya made so sign of moving and just kept staring at him with those wide eyes of his, Seijuurou released a soft sigh and carefully reached out his free hand behind the tealnet and gently touched his nape. Applying a bit of pressure to it, he began softly caressing the area up and down. Almost immediately it evoked a reaction from Tetsuya. The frail male most likely instinctively slightly arched his neck, his eyelids dropped halfway and a little dazed look crept into his gaze. The nape for some reason was always one of his most sensitive places, a detail Seijuurou found out by accident one time. Caressing it gently made Tetsuya relax, calm down, as if he were a startled animal that had his calming spot found. That also sent a signal to him that Seijuurou did indeed know him, and on a higher level than a simple friend would. Another calming detail.
After several seconds the exhausted student gingerly moved Tetsuya's head closer and placed it against his chest, right under his chin. With his slightly now trembling hand he began softly caressing the other's messy locks, trying to calm himself down.
''Don't worry, Tetsuya, they'll resurface one day,'' he whispered a bit absentmindedly, gently squeezing the tealnet's hand. ''They certainly will.''
''What... will?'' Tetsuya asked quietly, almost inaudibly, quite baffled by the redhead's affectionate actions.
The genuine confusion and bewilderment in his voice made Seijuurou's throat tighten with tears he forcefully kept away.
Instead, he moved the tealnet's head a bit away in order to place loving, reassuring kiss on his forehead.
Perhaps he should start hiding the keys in their apartment, Seijuurou thought. Almost every time this happened, Tetsuya would escape the four walls without even dressing properly and not always did Seijuurou catch him before he wandered off somewhere. One time Tetsuya almost gave him a heart-attack when he got home after his classes and the tealnet was nowhere to be found. The lost male had unlocked the door and went out just like that, walking as far as the center of the city. However, it didn't take long to find him. It was, after all, quite odd seeing a frightened person dressed completely not according to the weather wandering around the streets without any knowledge of where or who he was. Seijuurou also didn't take his sweet time and reported immediately to the police, using his connections to arrange a search within a single hour. Naturally, Tetsuya was soon found, but that was the easy part. It took Seijuurou forever to calm the distressed male down and bring him home. Alas, in the end, as always, he succeeded.
After Seijuurou had locked the door, he gingerly lead Tetsuya further into the apartment, the kitchen to be exact, releasing his hand only when he decided to take that jacket off. All that time the tealnet just kept staring at him with those lost eyes of his. Perhaps he should had been more wary of the redhead, but his heart kept whispering to trust him, to believe him, so Tetsuya was inclined to do so. That strange feeling he had every time the taller male looked at him with those worried eyes of his... It was something akin to warmth, yet Tetsuya couldn't put a name to it.
''Would you like something to eat or drink?'' Seijuurou asked him as he turned on the electric kettle.
''Umm...'' the tealnet murmured, fidgeting in place, his eyes darting all around the unfamiliar room. ''A...Aka-shi-san, I don't... umm...''
The redhead visibly flinched at his words, yet didn't turn around.
''Please don't call me that,'' he whispered before he could stop himself. He should have more self-control by now, what was wrong with him? ''I mean, um, you don't have to address me like that.''
Seijuurou glanced over his shoulder at his agitated roommate with a small warm smile.
''It's 'Seijuurou', Tetsuya.''
The said tealnet bit his lower lip at that and folded his arms, hanging his head a bit. That pose allowed for his eyes to once again drift off to that golden glinting ring...
''S-Seijuurou-kun,'' he started uncertainly. ''Are we... married?''
The redhead lightly chuckled at those words. Tetsuya asked that question every single time. Perhaps it was indeed time to change his answer.
''Not yet I'm afraid,'' Seijuurou hummed with a ghost smile on his lips as he took the steaming cup of chamomile tea with one hand and a glass of clear water with a single pill with the other. ''You had said that you still weren't ready. But the rings... We decided that we should have some sort of visible indication of our connection for times like these.''
''For times like these?..'' Tetsuya repeated a bit baffled.
Seijuurou cast a bitter smile in his direction as he placed the glass and the pill in front of him.
''You have... a bit of memory issues you see.''
The tealnet stared at the medication for a few moments while biting the inside of his cheek.
''I'm ill?'' he finally asked slightly more uneasily than he had wanted.
It really did hurt hearing those words, especially if they were coming out of Tetsuya's mouth.
''You're just a bit unwell, love.''
''Will I die then?''
Why must he always ask these questions? That was why Seijuurou despised these times, he had to hear those dreadful words over and over again, even if the answer wouldn't be positive.
''Oh no, Tetsuya, no,'' Seijuurou quickly spoke in a hushed voice, swiftly walking over the table to his anxious lover's side. He cupped Tetsuya's face gently and began caressing his cheeks lovingly in the hopes of soothing him. ''You'll be fine, love, nothing will happen to you. Don't worry.''
''But I...'' Tetsuya swallowed once, allowing worry into gaze. ''I don't remember you at all...''
''It's okay, you can't help it,'' the redhead murmured softly, once more kissing his forehead. ''These things happen.''
These things happen... So this indeed wasn't the first time Tetsuya had lost all his memory. How awful that must had been for Seijuurou... Tetsuya couldn't imagine it.
''Take your medication, love,'' he softly asked, releasing the tealnet. Afterwards he exited the kitchen without another word, leaving Tetsuya alone.
Truth be told, each time Seijuurou left him he felt so uneasy, so scared, so vulnerable. The redhead still seemed like a stranger to him but Tetsuya already didn't want him to leave, to leave him alone again, alone with his thoughts, with his non-existing memories. He always despised that feeling.
Once again the small bird smashed into the cage, yet the sound still didn't reach him.
The sweet chamomile scent gave the tiny animal more energy, but Tetsuya still couldn't hear the clinking of metal, unbreakable bars.
Finally Seijuurou returned to him, but now he was carrying what resembled a notebook, yet it had a small lock on it. The cover had initially been gray it seemed, but many words in multiple colors had been scribbled on it, though from this distance Tetsuya couldn't make out any of them. He only cast a puzzled look at the redhead, silently asking him to explain.
''You know, you don't have to take my word for anything,'' Seijuurou started with a small smile. ''Take your own. I believe it would certainly be better this way.''
''I don't...''
''This is your diary, Tetsuya,'' he explained further, placing the book on the table. ''The key to it is around your neck. Neither I nor anyone else have ever seen a single page inside of it, so you can be certain the thoughts inside belong only to you.''
Tetsuya stared at the gray notebook for several seconds. The words written on top revealed to be names. However, there were so, so many, but he couldn't recognize a single one apart from the elegant Seijuurou written at the very top in an almost blinding pink marker. Out of all of them that name seemed to had been there for the longest time. And as the words went down the cover, the handwriting kept getting messier and messier. Tetsuya wondered why.
His pale fingers grasped the small key, unnoticed by him until now, hanging on his chest.
...
Entry 1
…
Yesterday, Akashi-kun suggested I begin writing a diary. I've never done so before, but Akashi-kun thinks I should write all my thoughts and other facts down. His reasoning was that perhaps such an activity would help my memories resurface. Well, the doctors had mentioned something like this awhile back, but somehow at that time this idea didn't seem too appealing. But now that my disorder is progressing... I honestly don't know whether this will help. But it wouldn't hurt to try, right?
…
Entry 2
…
I can't believe Akashi-kun actually became my caretaker. I can't say my last one was bad, but our relationship was only on a business-like level. It also didn't help that they would gradually get more annoyed with me whenever I forgot something, like leaving the stove on. I understand them, though, it should get really frustrating. And not to mention it took a lot of their time... That's why I can't understand why Akashi-kun would do this. He was so busy after all, each day should be so tiring for him, so why would he want to spend his leisure telling me the same stories about my friends and family which I just kept forgetting the following day? It was so futile, everything he did for me was so futile.
…
Entry 4
…
He should be getting irritated with me. Last week my doctor enrolled me in a special institution where I would get therapy and other treatments for my illness. The doctor suggested I acquire a room there, but Akashi-kun firmly shut that idea down. He said he would each day drive me there and pick up at the end of it. But I keep forgetting that. I keep forgetting he is supposed to pick me up and if he isn't already waiting for me when my activities finish, I wander off somewhere by myself. Then he has to chase me around the neighborhood, worrying himself and wasting his time. He should be getting so so annoyed with me. But each time he assures me that I'm not a bother to him and that he wouldn't exchange his duties for anything. He said 'If I won't take care of you, who will?'. Maybe he's doing this out of pity, then. Maybe he feels responsible for giving me hope those couple of years ago that we could be together. Maybe he really doesn't mean it anymore.
…
Entry 8
…
Kise-kun visited me today. After my treatment time ended I never returned to school and had to stay at home, which left me with a ton of free time. For awhile because of that Akashi-kun was studying at home, so he wouldn't have to leave me alone, but I insisted he returned to university. He couldn't neglect his studies because of me. But he was so worried!.. Then I suggested that those friends of mine could visit me in the day when he was busy so I wouldn't be alone. After awhile he finally agreed. So that's why Kise-kun came today. At first I had trouble remembering him, but after a couple of stories some memories of my obnoxious blond friend resurfaced, for which I was glad. We talked a lot throughout the day, even played some memory games. Akashi-kun seemed happy because of that. And if Akashi-kun is happy, I'm happy.
…
Entry 13
…
Today, Akashi-kun took me out for dinner to a very fancy restaurant. I felt so out of place! But he assured me I fit in just perfectly. It was a very nice evening, the food was delicious and Akashi-kun was the gentleman he always was. He also out of nowhere asked me to start calling him by his first name. I a bit reluctantly agreed, but what did he exactly expect? I keep forgetting about it. But Seijuurou-kun is so patient with me, he never in all those years got angry at me. He keeps assuring me that it's okay, that he's here with me, that he'll help me and that he won't ever leave. I really want to believe that. I really want to believe that he genuinely loves me. I know I do. God, how could I ever forget that?
…
Entry 19
…
This is getting so hopeless. I know I won't die, but I might as well. My disease is become so severe.
This morning I woke up with no memory at all.
God, I was so scared. I didn't know where I was, who I was and who was that stranger in the kitchen cooking. When he realized I had forgotten everything, forgotten him , he looked so frightened, so worried. Immediately he began calming me down, that it was okay, that he isn't going to hurt me, that I was safe. He then proceeded to explain my situation and handed me this diary. He had this hope that I would remember at least something once I read it... I said I did.
I lied.
…
Entry 23
…
My writing keeps getting messier. I wonder why. Maybe I'm even beginning to forget how to write. Maybe one day I'll even forget how speak. That would be terrible. But Seijuurou-kun never leaves. He doesn't assign me to a professional caretaker, he refuses to do so despite my pleading. I'm supposed to be a bother to him, yet he keeps assuring me he's fine. Every day he keeps telling me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me and how he will never leave me.
But he does, every day he does.
And I feel so lonely then.
…
Entry 25
…
Why does he keep leaving? I can't remember. Why does he leave every morning and return only in the evening? Why does Seijuurou-kun leave me alone? Where does he go? Am I not important to him?
I don't want him to leave. Every time I'm all by myself in this cold apartment, I feel my sanity slipping away, I feel my memory fading. And I feel so scared.
That clinking each time keeps muffling.
…
Entry 27
…
...It just keeps repeating...
…
Entry 29
...
Today, I heard Seijuurou-kun crying. He was in his room, supposed to be doing some late-night studying, and I couldn't sleep so I wanted to go to him, but I heard muffled cries through the door. God, Seijuurou-kun was crying. I was hurting him so much. I couldn't make him happy no matter how much I tried, I only made it worse. I could never make him happy. I could only stand there, listening to his quiet cries, and naively try to stop my own tears from running.
...
Entry 30
…
...again...
…
Entry 33
…
...how many times has this happened already?...
…
Entry 36
…
Seijuurou-kun is so naive. I can't tell him that, though. I probably never will. When I lose my memory and open this diary, nothing resurfaces anymore, absolutely nothing. I only take the information and try to use it, only for it to be erased far too soon. I can't remember any of the confessions Seijuurou-kun made to me, any of the words I said to him, any of our interactions. I can merely count on that warmth in my chest to be true and to trust him. Even if I forget my name, I can't seem to forget my love. I'm glad at least for that.
But really, I suppose I don't hear that clinking anymore.
…
Tetsuya rummaged through his drawer and soon enough found what he was searching for – a worn-down pen. Releasing a soft sigh, he turned a page in his diary and hovered the pen over it. He will probably have to get a new notebook soon, this one would soon run out of pages.
…
Entry 40
…
Perhaps I should stop lying to him. Perhaps I should stop giving him false hope that I'll be alright. It will only hurt us both that much more in the end. I should be true to him after all, isn't he my whole world? Isn't he the one who's keeping me alive? Aren't I-
Tetsuya's writing was interrupted by a soft knock on their bedroom door. The tealnet glanced over his shoulder just as it opened and Seijuurou gingerly walked in.
''I'm sorry, did I interrupt you?'' he asked softly, clearly worried.
Tetsuya shook his head and turned around in his chair. He then extended his arms in the redhead's direction, silently asking to be taken. Seijuurou understood his request immediately, so he quickly walked over to the waiting male and wrapped his arms around his chest, lifting him up. Tetsuya instantly embraced him over his neck and winded his legs round Seijuurou's torso, while the other held him tightly as he carried the light tealnet to the living room.
Once they settled down on the wide sofa, Tetsuya changed his position a bit so that he would sit on Seijuurou's lap, his arms still hooked around his neck. The redhead in return began gently drawing circles on the other's back, resting his chin on top of his head. To anyone they looked serene. Seijuurou wished they would feel like it as well.
''Tetsuya,'' he spoke quietly, finally ending their silence. ''How are you feeling?''
The distressed male pondered about his answer for a few moments.
''Guilty,'' he finally said, his voice barely above a whisper.
''Guilty? Why?'' the redhead asked in surprise.
''Because I keep lying to you, Seijuurou-kun.''
Seijuurou remained silent at that, merely continued his soothing caressing.
''My memories never resurface, Seijuurou-kun, I never remember anything,'' Tetsuya continued speaking quietly, his voice trembling.
''I know,'' he answered in a hushed tone, tightening his hold. ''I always knew.''
''A-And,'' the tealnet swallowed once, moving his head a bit back so he could look into those worried rubies. A bitter smile adorned his lips as he said his next words. ''I never will. Those bells can ring all they want, but my mind is soundproof. Nothing reaches me.''
Seijuurou clenched his jaw a bit painfully and after staring into those gleaming blues for a few seconds, he buried in face in Tetsuya's soft teal locks. He always knew it, of course he did, but he always refused to accept it. He kept holding onto that futile hope that Tetsuya's... their lives could turn back to normal.
''It's okay,'' Seijuurou whispered, trying to keep his voice from breaking. ''We'll be okay. All I need to do is to keep reminding you then. As long as we stay by each other's side, we'll be fine.''
That bird was beginning to realize his efforts were useless.