AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello my fanfiction friends! How are you? Haha. This is actually my first fic posted on this site, and my first fanfiction in about...4? 5? years or so, so please bear with me here. Pardon my rustiness! This story is a Friendship/Angst/Romance story with a Kendall/James/OC love triangle-but with a twist-and a bit of slash. Yes, you read that right, slash. So hopefully this story has something for everyone! The slash couple is kept secret on purpose, btw. It will give too much of the plot away :D

The story will be in first person, in my OC Mia Giordano's point of view. It is AU in the sense that there is no Palm Woods/BTR, but some of your favorite Palm Woods habitants WILL be making appearances, so be on the lookout for that. The entire story takes place in Minnesota, the beginning around summer. The story is rated T for now, but will move to M in later chapters.

A BIG thank you goes out to waterwicca, surfergal23, and christinainwonderland, who are not only amazing authors, but also amazing friends! I honestly would not have been able to finish this chapter or even post this fic without their support/input. Thank you so much ladies for everything you've done, and putting up with my annoying PMs! Make sure to read their stories, Past the Sorrow (waterwicca), Ampersand (christinainwonderland), Hooked, and Bittersweet (both surfergal23). And, if you are a more bisexual BTR reader myself, and enjoy slash AND het, check out waterwicca's For the Lovers Of... series that have pretty much every BTR pairing imaginable!

Okay, enough rambling. I promise author's notes won't be this long in the future! Please read and review :D I'd love to know what you think. Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: As much as I would love to admit that I own the boys/BTR in general, I don't. I do own my character, Mia though!

Chapter 1: Shades of Gray

Shades of gray.

They were all that I could see as I rolled over in my bed, taking a second to breathe in that familiar smell. I inhaled deeply, the familiar scent sending my mind into a tailspin, teetering on the edge of fantasy, and reality.

In my mind, she'd still be here.

The worry of her scent fading along with my memories would fade. I could still take those twelve steps to her bedroom, pressing her sleeping frame flush against my own. I'd look at her, wondering how I could have come from something so beautiful, something I'd kill to emulate, even for a second. Her arms would wrap around me instinctually, her lips grazing against my forehead as she gave me a soft kiss against the skin. I'd live for those moments. I'd bask in the silence, the quaint comfort of being with someone that loved you unconditionally…until it was ripped away.

He'd come in, belligerent, his body reeking of alcohol and a substance I couldn't quite touch. He'd yank me out of bed, growling harshly at me to get out, his foot meeting harshly with my spine for emphasis. I'd stumble into my room, grabbing my dresser for support before he'd slam the door, low but audible mutters spilling from his throat. He'd curl up next to her, his arms putting her into a vice grip that jarred her, the familiar sound of protest a sign to start my day.

The sounds would continue throughout my morning routine; muffled in the shower, piercing as I'd eat my breakfast, just out of earshot as I walked towards the bus. I knew he'd be our demise. The ticking time bomb that had somehow spawned my birth was becoming more and more unstable-and it was only a matter of time before he'd blow.

I just hadn't expected her to go down with him.

I sat up, my mind snapping back to reality as I heard a soft knock on my door. Reluctantly, I pulled my head away from the smell, a sad smile gracing my countenance as I gazed upon the woman resting against my doorframe.

"Hi Mia," she said, melancholy painting her features. Long tendrils of red hair framed her face, contrasting with the black dress that wrapped demurely around her frame. "Are you ready to go? We need to get down to the church."

I hesitated.

I knew I would never be ready, but the world had left me with little to no choice; I had to go. The world was going to move on with or without me; and I knew better than to fall behind. I nodded, slowly getting up from the bed before slipping my feet into the shoes that awaited me upon touching the ground, the sound that accompanied my steps serving as a grim reminder for what was to come. The woman wrapped her arms around my shoulders, and I leaned into the touch, more so out of instinct than anything else. On any other day, I would have been grateful for Mrs. Knight's subtle touches of affection, but today, it felt like acid burning wildly against my skin. I fought off every urge to pull away, knowing that she needed the contact just as much as I disdained it.

"I know that today is going to be really hard for you, sweetie," she started to say, breaking the silence between us as we moved down the hallway. "But I want you to know that I am here for you. It's a lot to take in, hell, I am not even sure if I have taken it all in yet." She paused, placing her free hand against her chest as she stopped, taking a moment to collect herself. She shook her head, the smell of her shampoo temporarily permeating the air. I blinked, surprised at the amount of comfort the scent had brought me. It was nice to know that despite the fact that my life was changing, certain things would always remain the same.

"I'm sorry," she said, her strength returning as she stepped forward, lifting her head up once more before turning it towards me. "You've always been a Knight, you know. From the moment you were born you were a Knight. Your mother and I even joked about hyphenating your name on the birth certificate." It was true. It was a tale I'd heard many times, the most memorable of which involving both her eldest child, Kendall, and I snuggling underneath a blanket, giggling at our mothers as they shared a bottle of wine, retelling tales of their childhood. His sister, Katie had already been asleep, camping out underneath the Christmas tree, determined to see santa.

Although Mrs. Knight strived to be a shining example to her children in terms of conduct, more often that not, she found herself letting her hair down around my mother, exposing a side of her that even she, herself was not aware of.

More often than not, Mrs. Knight was caution personified; consistently aware of what was around her, despite cloaking it underneath an air of obliviousness that even the sharpest of minds failed to uncover. But with my mother, she was, well, loose. It would have been hard to believe that she was the mother of two children, had it not been for the fact that there was a material touch to just about everything she did.

I grinned, remembering their Pinot Noir-induced laughter as they repeated the story to us, from Mrs. Knight's adamance about the hyphenation upon the day of my birth, to how my mother had to snatch the certificate away from her so that it wouldn't become a reality. Kendall and I would just look at each other, wondering if the women in front of us were truly blood related, or if they'd just been beamed down from another planet entirely.

Mrs. Knight noticed my grin and relaxed, causing me to blink as I'd barely noticed her change in stature to begin with. I leaned into her, our fingers intertwining as we continued to move down the hall, my heart leaping into my throat as I saw Kendall and Katie waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs.

"Everything's going to be okay, Mia," she whispered, squeezing my fingers assuringly. "Remember what I told you? Today is about celebrating their lives, not saying goodbye because..."

"...there are no endings." I finished, causing her to smile sadly in my direction. "The people that you love are always with you, in mind, body, and spirit." She nodded, taking a deep breath before beginning to walk down the stairs with me trailing slightly behind her.

I could barely look at Kendall and Katie as I approached them, though instinct alone told me that their faces were filled with both sadness (Kendall's) and tears (Katie's). A half-hearted wave accompanied my quick look, my eyes immediately moving down to study the carpet.

"Is everyone ready?" Mrs. Knight asked, well aware of the weight her words had carried. We would never be ready-no one ever was when it came to death. But there it was, hanging over the room, controlling our every action. It was amazing how powerful one word could be.

"Yes," I replied, my eyes moving towards the Knight's front door. "I'm ready."

I began to move forward, knowing that Kendall was going to use the opportunity to try and talk to me, much like he had all week to my chagrin. I knew that he wanted to be there for me, to reclaim his place at my right hand side much like he had during our childhood, as if I had been attempting to keep it warm over the past 4 years.

I hadn't. And he knew why.

I walked quickly, Kendall trailing behind me along with Katie, who he'd taken to envelop in his arms once he realized that I wasn't up for conversation. I knew that he wouldn't give up; he was a Knight, and stubbornness was a quality that ran in the family beyond generations that even genealogists weren't aware of.

We all got into the car, my arms crossing over my chest as I leaned back into the cool leather of the limousine. Mrs. Knight wrapped her arm around my shoulders, and it was all I could do not to lash out at Kendall as he slid in next to me, Katie following just seconds later. I hesitated as the vehicle began to move, the silence all but deafening as we made our way over to the church. I pretended not to notice Kendall glancing in my direction, his features painted with the words, 'We need to talk.' I chewed on my bottom lip both out of habit and nervousness, wishing that he would take his eyes off of me. Mrs. Knight held me closer to her, figuring that my nerves were stemming from having to see my parents resting soundly in their caskets, almost as if they belonged there. If she only knew.

A collective sigh was heard in the car as we pulled up to the church, our eyes locked on the now ominous brick building. My fingers curled into my palm, all of a sudden wondering how people managed to find peace in place where the dead met the living for their final goodbye. It almost pained me to know that in a week's time, people would be worshipping here, unaware of the various tears that littered the floor their heels clacked upon, before sitting in pews that once held lost souls.

"Come on, kids. Let's go," Mrs. Knight said, a twinge of sadness in her voice. She sigh as she opened the door, squinting as the sunlight hit her face. I followed just seconds later, Kendall and Katie trailing slightly behind.

The mourners that had been bee-lining towards the church stopped in their tracks, shooting me sympathetic looks and sad smiles. I grimaced, more so to myself than anyone else, hating how I had become the center of attention. I was now a prime morsel of food in the eyes of vultures, waiting to attack the second I showed any sign of weakness. I could already hear their artificial words running through my head, wondering how many contrived gestures I had to stomach before the day was over. I dug my heels into the concrete, a mere two steps away from the wooden doors, ready to run. I was too young, too fragile to handle it all. Three pairs of hands steadied me as I wobbled beneath my feet, before carefully guiding me into the building.

Twenty-three.

That's how many contrived gestures I had to stomach, many of them coming in the form of some sort of embrace, followed by words more suited for Hallmark cards than to be heard by human ears. I smiled, muttering various 'Thank yous' as the day went on, all of them culminating at the reception in the Knight home.

The funeral itself was a blur, a sea of black clothes and solemn words that I couldn't quite catch, my mind still not accepting the jarring reality of the loss. The only moment of clarity I had occurred upon standing at the pulpit back at the church, my eyes locking on three distant memories: James Diamond, Carlos Garcia, and Logan Mitchell.

I wasn't entirely sure why they were vague, as I'd devoted at least eight years of my life to those boys, becoming an intricate part of their adventures, no matter how hair-brained they seemed.

Though I had four years on the boys-Kendall and I having known each other since birth-it was clear that what he shared with them went beyond what we had, even if we'd shared the same womb. It wasn't so much that he was closer to them, no, they just had a different connection. Though he loved us all the same, they'd captured a different part of his heart, probing into connections that I couldn't touch. It was clear that the boys were meant to be friends. Even if they'd met in a different generation, they'd still manage to find their way to each other. It was just that cosmic.

I disliked them at first, hating how they monopolized my time, as Kendall had been my only friend when we started school. Though they tried to include me in their games, I resisted, my disdain for them growing more intense as we spent more time together. By the end of fall, I was barely speaking to Kendall, despite the occasional breakthroughs I'd begun to experiences as I became more used to their presence.

It wasn't until March that I'd finally embraced them as friends, thanks in large part to an incident at snack time. Jo Taylor, one of the meaner girls in the class, had "accidentally" knocked my snack off my desk, sending my entire meal, consisting of milk and Teddy Grahams, down the dress I'd just gotten from mother just days before. My eyes filled up with tears, hearing the other kids gasp and snicker as I ran out of the room, immediately holding myself up into the playhouse we had just outside of the classroom.

I cried, resting my head in my hands, one of the teachers following just seconds later, attempting to coax me out of the plastic building. I refused, continuing to wail, just barely hearing the words, "Mrs. Thompson, let me try," from a familiar voice. They knocked on the door before peeking inside, three other people trailing behind him.

"Mia?" he asked, crawling into the enclosed space. I looked up, slightly startled as I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, sniffling.

It was Kendall.

He sat next to me, enclosing the fingers of my free hand around his as I leaned into him, staying quiet.

"It's okay, Mia. If it helps, your dress still looks pretty," he said, causing me to giggle.

"No it doesn't!" I replied, wiping my nose once again.

"Sure it does! And if it doesn't, that's what we're here for!" I looked at him, confused before turning my attention towards the door, smiling at the sight. James was holding a carton of milk, Carlos, a bag of Teddy Grahams, and Logan, a napkin. I smiled, taking all the items, putting the most logical to quick use.

"W-Why are you helping me?" I asked as I began to dab at my dress.

"Because we're your friends, silly!" Carlos replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Really?" I questioned. They all nodded.

"Kendall kept tellin' us how nice you were, even though you weren't very nice to us," James answered, scowling a bit towards the end.

"Mama Knight told us that gotta get used to new friends before you are nice to them," Logan continued, "So we just waited for you to like us!"

"See how nice we are?" Carlos all but shouted, leading Logan and James to cover their ears.

"Too loud!" Logan barked. Kendall meanwhile, having already been conditioned to Carlos' behavior, simply giggled and shook his head.

"You'll get used to him," he assured, seeing the face I made upon hearing Carlos' plea. "Now, let's go back in the classroom. We're gonna finger paint after snack time!" James and Carlos high-fived each other, suddenly remembering the itinerary for the day.

"I am gonna paint Jo's head on a gorilla!" Carlos declared. The playhouse erupted into a fit of giggles.

"That isn't very nice," Logan commented once his laughter subsided.

"B-But, she made Mia cry!" he retorted, pouting. He crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at Logan, who simply mirrored his action in return.

"That doesn't make it okay!"

"Yes, it does!"

"No, it doesn't!"

"An eye for an eye!"

"Do you even know what that means?"

"Kids, it's time for you to put on your smocks for art time!" Mrs. Thompson called out. Carlos and Logan were still grumbling at each other as we all filed out, heading back into the classroom. Not one to miss a chance to discipline, she pulled Carlos aside, explaining the cruelty behind painting human heads onto animal bodies. He grumbled, obliging to the teacher's wishes, though those were quickly discarded during lunchtime after finding a centipede in the grass. Kendall, James and I watched with interest as he slipped it into her lunch bag, Logan having gone to use the bathroom. The three of us fell over, giggling as Jo reached in, before screaming and throwing her bag as she spotted Carlos' "gift." As Jo stalked off, Carlos came around from the tree he'd been hiding behind, greeting us with high fives before joining us on the grass.

"Dude, that was epic," James said, beaming as he took a bite of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Carlos shrugged, replying before grinning, "I could have done worse."

Another set of laughs erupted, our conversation moving from the prank to other topics, a feeling of contentment washing over me. It was amazing how much everything just seemed so natural, as if I was born to be with these boys, becoming an integral piece of their already palatable dynamic. I wasn't sure what I added-if I added anything at all, but the boys would always be associated with one word that would help me get through the next eight years, before my life really, truly, went to hell.

Home.

There they were, staring back at me. Three pairs of eyes, all filled with emotion. I knew they wanted to approach me, to wrap their arms around me just like they would have five years ago, knowing that I would bask in the comfort. I'd shaken my head as I walked off, my speech finished, tears threatening to fall from my eyes. It was the closest I'd come to crying throughout the whole ceremony, not just for my parents, but for myself. I thought about everything I'd lost, and how little I'd gained over the years, the latter just barely enough to sustain me, if at all. I didn't understand why my parents had left me alone, how they could have been so selfish with my existence. Sometimes I felt less like a child, and more like a plaything, something to manipulate into whatever they wanted me to be, my tacit compliance music to their ears.

Or at least, to his ears, anyway.

I rolled over in my bed at the Knight's, careful not to breathe in too much of the scent of my new sheets, not wanting to lose what little I had left of my mother. We had just spent the last few weeks going through my parent's assets, deciding what to keep, and what to throw away. I'd been insistent on getting rid of it all, save for a few lay things that I couldn't bear to part with.

I'd almost kept the sheets, tempted to keep something, anything with her scent on it, before I thought about its future. I thought about it being diluted in water, joining two or three of its brethren, chemicals dancing playfully around them before attacking viciously, tearing apart what little DNA was left on the sheets. I shuddered at the thought, rolling over on the bed once more, trying to get used to the new material. I pulled the covers sharply over my head, trying to shut out the world, much like I had been doing over the past few weeks.

That is, until I heard a knock on my door.

"Dude, what if she's still sleeping? Beauty sleep is important, especially to girls!" someone said. The voice paused for a minute, before adding, "And handsome men, such as myself." I gasped, covering my mouth with my hand, hoping to god that the sound hadn't carried to the door. It couldn't be.

"Then we'll wait," another replied, this one significantly more familiar. "Either that, or we'll do it ourselves. Mom's been dying for her to come down and eat with us. It'll be good for her." I dropped my hand away from my mouth, using it instead to grip the sheets in an attempt to restrain myself. Who was he to say what was or wasn't good for me? He didn't even know me anymore, and to have to audacity to think that he did, was more than enough to make my blood boil.

"I don't know, guys. Isn't she like Mrs. Knight? 'Cause if she hasn't gotten her eight hours, there's no way I'm going in there. I actually like my anatomy the way it is, thank you very much," a third piped up. I smirked. I'd always liked him, he always knew when to move forward, and when to retreat. The guys could have benefitted from listening to him; this was definitely a time for the latter.

"But guys, we love Mimi," a fourth reasoned, a bounciness to his tone. I froze. No one had called me that in years. The name had fallen to the wayside, much like everything else in my life upon moving away from Sherwood five years ago. I hadn't realized how much I missed it until I heard it fall from his lips, a wave of nostalgia hitting me with brute force. "She needs us right now. You know that Mama Knight's been worried about her."

"She also needs to not be ambushed, Carlos," the third countered. "Not all of us have been through what she's been through. You can't blame her for being this way."

"It's been three weeks, Logan. She needs to be out with friends, enjoying life. I'm pretty sure Aunt Sophie wouldn't want her to just be lying in bed, letting the whole world pass her by!" Kendall retorted, fiddling with the doorknob. I could hear the clicking associated with it, my breath rising, only to be collected in my throat.

"Just..promise me we'll be gentle with her. If she doesn't want to come out, then we're not gonna force her to do anything that she's not ready for," Logan insisted. A series of compliant grumbles followed before I heard my door open completely. I laid there, completely still, eyes shut tightly, hoping that upon gazing at my sleeping frame that they would leave me alone.

I had no such luck.

Four dips in the mattress indicated this, as I tried to keep my frame as steady as possible. Silence hung overhead, as the boys tried to figure out exactly what to do.

"Mimi?" Carlos called, my body stiffening underneath the sheets. He'd placed his hand on my shoulder, my body stiffening at the contact. I knew he felt it, as his hand quickly moved away from the area, almost as if it were on fire. "I-I-I think she's still asleep. L-Let's leave her alone."

Carlos never could master the art of lying.

"Wait," Kendall said, shifting closer to me, his signature scent a dead giveaway. The aroma much like him, had evolved with age, but somehow still managed to remain the same. Recent history not withstanding, of course.

I was ninety-five percent sure he was studying me, as silence had taken over the room once more, as he debated on whether or not he wanted to buy into Carlos's plea. I was hoping that the five years had provided a gap that stripped him of the clairvoyance he once had, knowing my every thought, every move, before I could even begin to map out the action. I had always been translucent to him, yet to me, he was an enigma, always surprising me when I least expected it, basking in the deception. He was a Knight, after all. Deceit was a fine art in that family, coming naturally, yet perfected with time. Perhaps it was the universe coming into play, kismet feeding on our contrasting personalities. Kendall, despite his love for artifice, was generally a straightforward person, while I reveled in the work, the preparation it took to unearth someone's innermost secrets and the care that took to keeping them afterward.

It wasn't exactly the fairest of trades.

"Kendall, what are you doing?" James asked, bewildered.

"Just, give me a minute here, James," he answered, my heart beating erratically against my chest. I, too, was wondering what he'd been planning, if my stoic position was more than enough to protect me.

It wasn't.

Within seconds, I'd gotten my answer, a shriek escaping my lips as I squirmed against the sheets while simultaneously becoming entangled in them.

He was tickling me.

"Kendall, stop!" I said between laughs as I tried to evade him. "I give! I give!" I was just about to swat him when he got off of me, more than satisfied with what he'd done. I sat up on the bed, giving him the death glare as the other boys chuckled, Carlos in particular more than a little amused.

"I'm sorry! It was like you were one of those fish! You know, all-" he started to say, before mimicking what I assumed to be a marooned fish, his limbs flailing wildly across the bed. Unfortunately, while he was doing this, somehow managed to hit Logan in the back of the head, causing him to yelp loudly in pain.

"Dude, watch it!" he spat, moving slightly away from the other boy.

"Sorry, Logie," Carlos said, blushingly. I almost smiled. I'd forgotten how cute Carlos could be at times. It was endearing.

"What do you guys want?" I asked, refusing to get caught up in his childlike demeanor.

"We," Kendall said, gesturing to the boys, "came to cheer you up." I rolled my eyes, pulling the covers over my head as I laid back down onto mattress.

"I don't need to be 'cheered up.' I need to be left alone," I replied, from underneath my makeshift hiding spot.

"You've been alone for three weeks, Mia," Kendall pointed out, ripping the covers from me. "It's time for you to get back into the world, to live life! You need to start enjoying yourself again."

"I was enjoying lying in bed until you guys came in, so maybe it's time for you all to vacate," I retorted, attempting to snatch the sheets back from him. However, it was to no avail, as years of hockey had conditioned him greatly, quickening his reaction time. He pulled the sheets away, hiding them behind his back with a smile.

"But Mimi, we miss you," Carlos admitted, making me soften instantly. I looked over at him, noting the sad expression that had graced his countenance. With him, you never had to guess whether or not his emotions were real; he always wore his heart on sleeve, making every sensitivity obvious. "Don't you miss us?"

I turned away, no longer able to look at Carlos. His big, brown eyes had filled with tears, the thought alone of me saying anything other than a resounding yes threatening to break his heart. I stayed silent, trying to ignore the stares from all of the boys as they awaited my answer, not knowing what to say. I felt trapped; I wasn't ready to unload this much, this quickly. I was hoping to work up to this, work up to talking to them. Yet there it was, building up in my chest, just begging for release, pleading for me to tell the truth.

"Yes," I whispered, lifting my head up to examine them.

Carlos looked relieved, James and Logan surprised, Kendall smug, as if it were the answer he had been expecting.

"Y-You really missed us, Mimi?" James asked, the incredulous expression never leaving his countenance.

"Yes, of course, Jamie," I replied, smirking as I used the childhood moniker. He grinned, and I couldn't help but smile in return, finding the action infectious. Kendall, I noticed, had scowled a bit at this, though the expression left just as quickly as it came.

"So…does this mean that you'll come out and play hockey with us?" Logan asked, shyly.

"If you want to," Kendall hastily added. "Today is completely in your hands. We just wanted to spend a little time with you, that's all."

I paused for a minute, weighing all of my options before nodding in agreement. "Yes, I will play hockey with you guys. After that, though, I get to pick what we do. And you can't complain, no matter how girly it is."

The guys huddled together for a moment, whispering to each other before breaking apart moments later, saying, "Deal."

"Yes! Mimi's coming with us!" Carlos cheered, pulling me into a tight bear hug. He pulled away before adding shyly, "Maybe…after you take a shower?" The boys and I laughed, shaking our heads. James leaned over, quickly sniffing me before making a face, quickly retracting his frame from my own.

"Carlos…has a point. You do offend," James agreed, nodding. I laughed, hitting him with a pillow in retaliation before getting off of the bed.

"Mia!" James said, his hands moving to fix his dark chocolate hair. Ah, sweet vindication.

"Alright guys, you need to vacate," I said, walking over to the bedroom door with a smile. "I need to shower, and as much as I love you-well, most of you-that is something that I need to do, alone."

"And you're sure you going to shower?" Kendall asked. I crossed my arms over my chest, exhaling in irritation.

"Yes, Kendall. I am quite positive. Now get out of my room so that I can get my shit together," I replied, turning the knob angrily before opening the door. One by one, the boys filed out, Kendall lingering slightly as he walked out, waiting for the other boys to file out into the hallway before turning around and whispering:

"Told you I'd get you out of the house."