Fix A Heart
Prologue
Why should I give someone the pleasure of watching me in pain? The better question is why would someone want me in pain? The world is truly cruel, but I refuse to give up. No matter how much someone harms me, it doesn't matter because they always end up leaving. The world can be so cruel…
Sometimes I just have to remind myself that I'm strong, even if I know it's a lie. Just like my dad says, I'm weak. Nobody is ever going to love me; they'll all end up leaving like my mom. Nobody really has a heart anymore, it's all for themselves. Love really is a confusing thing, because people think they experience it, but most times they really don't.
People say hate it a strong word, and I agree, but so is love, but so many people throw that word around like it's nothing. If you truly loved someone, then you wouldn't try and harm that person. Maybe people these days just don't understand what love is; maybe they just don't care to understand it.
Honestly, I don't believe in true love. I think that some people think that they are truly in love, but I think its bull shit. I have a cold heart, I really do. Most of my smiles are forced. But I've had a hard life, no doubt about that so I deserve to be a total bitch.
I have barriers around me for a reason; I don't want to get hurt. I think that if I let someone in, it'll just cause me pain. But if I don't, I'll never really know what it feels like to take a chance for true love. Most days I'd scold myself for thinking that somebody may actually want me. Every day of my life I'd been reminded that I was worthless. Everyday my dad reminded me about how I ruined both of our lives.
You see, my name is Ariella Adams. My mom left when I was 7 claiming that we held her back from her true potential. Then my dad started to drink. He needed to let his aggression out on something-more like somebody- a.k.a me. He also needed to let his "needs" out too; again, I am the victim.
I believe that I deserve this punishment. If I wasn't such a horrible girl my mom wouldn't have walked out on us. She just couldn't take that I was holding her back, and if my dad had the chance he'd leave to. But he doesn't. He's stuck in the little hole that he built for himself. But soon, I can escape.
I live in La Push, Washington, and I just want to escape. The town is small, everyone knows everyone. I don't want that. I just want to be that face in a crowd. But that won't happen I'm only 15, barely a sophomore, I still have so long to go, maybe more than I'm willing to.
If my "dad" knew of my plans to leave, he'd trap me, lock me up, and make sure that I'd never have the chance. I'd want to leave to somewhere like New York, Maine, or even out of the country, like Australia. I'd want to go where nobody could find me, where I won't be Ariella, but maybe a Mandy or Veronica.
Nobody really understands, everybody wants to stay on the reservation, but I think it's a curse. Where everybody coaxes you into thinking they're nice and loving, and then bam! They leave you, make sure that you feel so alone, cold that you just want to leave and never look back, even for a peak.
I look different from most on the rez, I have blonde hair, that's dyed black on the insides, and purple eyes. Natural purple eyes, not like the contacts most wear these days. Maybe that's why people on the rez dislike me, because I'm different. And maybe that's why I want to leave, because I'm not one of them. I have pale skin, versus they're super tan skin. I have blonde hair vs. their pitch black hair, and I have purple eyes vs. their brown or black.
Sometimes I wish I was like them, I'd make my life so much easier, but what's life without some struggle? I do have 3 girl best friends, but I can only share so much with them. I think they have their suspicions about what really goes on in my house, but I never let on. He's kill me if I told anyone what he does to me.
If anyone found out what my cruel father does to me, I'd just get pity and sympathy, and I don't want that. Nobody really cares anyway, they just pretend too, feel bad. But they should have thought about that before the torture that I have to deal with. Why should I wait for people to realize what monsters they are when I can just be the stoic bitch I usually am.
Even with my friends, but they stick by me. But I know just like the rest of the people in my life they'll leave or hurt me. I hope that I never let my walls around me fall because I'd just be hurt more thinking that someone cares about me, when in truth, nothing is as it seems. But I'm okay with it all, it just shows me I can stand by myself.
The world truly does work in a funny way. Sometimes people have it all, and sometimes people have nothing. Sometimes the people who have glorious lives get it yanked from them in a second, and they must stand on their own to prove their strength. But sometimes you have to climb to the top and fight to keep it there with no rest, because the second you rest it'll be gone. Just one mistake is all…
Maybe that's all I did. I just made one mistake. One measly mistake and that's all it took too take everything I know, and love. And I still wonder what I did. But maybe it just shows I have strength. I will be a fighter, I am a fighter. More now than ever, I struggle, but I make it work. I will fight to prove myself, just watch. You'll see.
~Ariella "Ari" Adams