Today I do not come bearing my usual almost witty disclaimers. Today I do not come asking for reviews. This isn't my usual story. This was extremely difficult for me to write yet immensely therapeutic. It was a story I needed to tell. I should warn you now that it is not a happy story but I'm sure you've gathered that by now. Thank you for letting me share it.
I started this in early April not long after "The Limey" so "Always" never happened.
Thank you to the one who pushed me to finish and post this. Without you it never would have seen the light of day.
~Rosaline
In a moment everything you knew could change. You think life is going one way, but the fates as one would have it, have something completely different in mind. In a moment all is gone.
~O.o.O.o.O~
The air was still thick in the precinct from the recent tension. Castle was back in the twelfth again full time, although things were still a little awkward between Castle and Beckett. Ever since he had decided to swallow his pride and confront her about the fact that she had lied to him for ten months. They had come to a sort of agreement: they knew they loved each other, they knew they had hurt each other, and they knew they needed time to get past that. They weren't together yet but they still had the promise of "always" lingering over their heads—letting them know that one day they would fall together.
Castle entered the bullpen with two cups of coffee like he always used to before the bombing case. "Good morning Detective," he said in a chipper voice, walking over to Beckett's desk and handing her, her coffee.
"Hey Castle," she replied, reaching for the hot beverage. She barely had a grip on it before it slipped past her fingers and spilled all over her lap.
She cursed at herself silently for reaching for it with that hand. She woke up a couple of days ago with no feeling in the fingers of her right hand and it still hadn't returned yet. She knew it was probably just a pinched nerve and if she didn't regain feeling by next week she would go to her doctor.
Castle grabbed for the coffee cup before the rest of the coffee could spill out. "Whoa Kate," he said with a chuckle, "I know you like your coffee and all but drinking it would suffice; you don't have to wear it."
Kate faked an annoyed expression and deadpanned, "Cute Castle." She sent him off to get paper towel to clean her precious caffeine off the floor while she got her emergency set of clothes out of her bottom desk drawer. She had first started keeping a spare set of clothes there since the case where Castle dumped coffee all over her a couple of years ago.
Kate changed quickly, trying to ignore the numbness in her hand that made it difficult to do anything and the tingling in her arm.
~O.o.O.o.O~
They didn't have a case that day so it was just paperwork for Kate—angry birds and staring for Castle. She was struggling with the paperwork and really didn't want Castle to witness that and ask what was wrong.
She put on a fake annoyed expression and turned to him, "Don't you have somewhere to be Castle? Your staring is creepy."
"I'm sure you're confusing creepy with cute," he teased.
She did actually think it was kind of cute but she just really didn't need him breathing down her neck today.
"No really Castle, we don't have a case right now and I know Alexis isn't in the morgue with Lanie today so why don't you go spend some time with her." Kate tried to keep her tone light but it still had a certain edge to it.
Confusion and a touch of hurt flashed through Rick's eyes but he tried to hide it by making his tone light as well, "She would probably like that; we haven't seen each other much lately. See you tomorrow Beckett."
"Bye Castle."
Rick walked out of the precinct, a little confused about Kate's dismissive attitude.
~O.o.O.o.O~
A week passed and Kate never once called Rick to tell him about a case. However, she texted him every morning to say all they were doing was paperwork and there was no need to come in. When the boys asked where Castle was, she lied saying that he was writing. Well he could very well have been writing for all she knew. They could tell she wasn't telling them the whole truth—that there was something wrong—but they didn't push.
Kate wasn't sure why she didn't want Rick around. It wasn't as if he did anything wrong, she just couldn't be around him right now. She was a little off at the moment; her hand was still numb and it was spreading up her arm. She couldn't be a cop like this—it was dangerous. Luckily she really hadn't lied to Castle; there hadn't really been any cases this week. There was one but she had sat out and let the boys take it. It had been pretty open/shut anyways; they even got a confession out of it.
Between her arm and her vision occasionally going blurry Kate finally had to admit that the reason she didn't want to see Rick was the same reason she hadn't gone to a doctor yet: deep down she knew something was terribly wrong.
~O.o.O.o.O~
Something was up with Kate and it was bugging Richard Castle. They had finally cleared things out between the two of them and now she was pulling away. Did she get scared when she finally admitted she loved him? Did she regret it? What if she had changed her mind? They weren't together yet because they had come to an agreement that they needed time to absorb everything that had happened. Still, he was worried that he may have screwed something up.
She kept telling him he wasn't needed at the precinct and blowing him off; but not anymore; he was going in to see her.
~O.o.O.o.O~
The detective was absorbed in starting at her paperwork when the writer entered the bullpen. "Good morning Beckett," he said cheerfully, placing her coffee on the desk in front of her.
She was undeniably happy to see him but she still wished that he hadn't come in. "Hey Castle. What are you doing here?"
I want to make sure I haven't lost you, he thought. He looked deep into her eyes and said, "I missed you." She turned her head, pulling her eyes away from his. Questioningly he set his hand on her arm, wondering what the unreadable look in her eyes meant. "What's been going on lately Kate?" he asked.
"Oh nothing much, just a lot of paperwork," she said with false lightness in her voice.
"That's not what I meant Kate."
She knew that; she knew exactly what he meant. It killed her inside to be pushing him away like this. Before she could even think about what she was saying the words, "Not now Rick," popped out of her mouth in a whisper.
"Kate," he said softly. He realized his hand was still on her arm and he was surprised she hadn't made him move it. Maybe he hadn't lost her quite yet.
"Rick," she said back quietly. She was lost in his ice-blue eyes again—unable to save herself from drowning in the depths of them.
"Come with me Kate; come to the break room," he insisted. He looked at him hesitantly as he whispered, "Please. We need to talk."
She gave in, nodding in agreement, and following him out to the break room.
"What's going on Kate?" Castle asked, closing the break room door, "Did I do something wrong?"
Her heart broke when she saw the hurt in Rick's eyes. "God Rick, no," she told him honestly, "I promise you did nothing wrong."
Relief surged through him. He only let himself feel relieved for mere seconds though as he realized if he wasn't the reason Kate was pulling away, something else must be wrong. "You know you can tell me anything right?" he asked, keeping his tone light, "Remember, secrets almost destroyed us last time."
"I know," she responded. She wasn't sure if he would qualify what she was doing as a secret. I mean, it wasn't as if there was anything wrong. She hoped.
He still looked unsure and she cupped his cheek with her still numb palm. She wished she could feel his skin beneath it.
He took another step towards her and pushed a piece of hair out of her face. "I can't do this anymore Kate. It hurts too much not to be with you. I love you too much."
Her lips then came crashing down on his. She clung to him almost desperately as their lips moved together. They broke apart almost as quickly as they came together, realizing they were still in the precinct. She stroked his cheek and he dropped his head on to hers, forehead to forehead. Breathing in her scent he buried his head in her hair. Emotions were running high as she whispered, "I love you too Rick."
Her vision started blurring again and she took a step back, startling Castle. "Kate? Are you okay?" he asked, his concern back.
She went to answer but couldn't find her voice. Losing her balance she started falling. She reached out with her numb arm out of instinct before she realized it couldn't hold her weight and she crumpled to the floor.
~O.o.O.o.O~
Days passed while Kate waited for a call after all the tests she went through. She was in the bullpen, staring blankly as her paperwork, when she finally got a call. She was slightly panicked as she stared at her phone—Castle next to her, staring at her questioningly.
"I've got to take this," Beckett told him, standing up and walking away. Ignoring the concerned look on Rick's face, Kate continued walking away while answering her phone. Her doctor insisted she come into the clinic later that afternoon so they could talk. Kate agreed but she had a sick feeling inside—if the doctor wanted to meet with her in person then it confirmed her suspicions that something was wrong.
Entering the bull pen again, Kate attempted to erase her emotions from her face. Ryan and Esposito may have bought it but Castle knew her far too well to believe she was fine. A thousand messages were shared between them as they locked eyes. She tried to get the message across that she was okay while he tried to convey that he would do whatever she needed.
Everything had to be okay.
~O.o.O.o.O~
"Excuse me?" Kate asked, still in denial of what the doctor had just told her. Her voice got oddly small for Kate Beckett as she near whispered, "Can you repeat that?"
The pretty brunette doctor, Dr. Hensen, knew this must be hard for the detective to hear. "I'm sorry Kate, you have Multiple Sclerosis."
~O.o.O.o.O~
She was spiralling. She had gone back to the precinct after her doctor's appointment. She probably shouldn't have—she wasn't thinking clearly—but she just wanted some normality. It wasn't working; she couldn't get the words "you have M.S." out of her head. You have M.S. You have M.S. You have M.S. It was like a chant in her head taunting her—mocking her mortality.
"Kate are you sure you're okay?" Castle asked her for what had to have been the tenth time. He had noticed she had been distracted ever since she came back from her appointment. She had returned paler than when she left; he didn't take it as a good sign. He just wished that she would tell him what was wrong.
"I'm fine," she lied yet again. She could tell that he wasn't buying it. She knew she was going to have to tell him eventually. Her face softened as she gave him an "I promise I'll tell you later" look. He seemed to get the message and let it drop.
Now if only she could reassure herself that easy.
~O.o.O.o.O~
Hours later Rick finally got another chance to ask her what the hell was going on. She led him out of the precinct by the hand, surprising him with her boldness. "Drive me home?" she meekly asked. Nodding his head, they both slid into the car.
They drove to Kate's place in complete silence—tension inevitable between them. He silently led her into her building where they stood before the elevator. The door was barely open before Rick was pushing Kate against the wall of the elevator and kissing her.
She kissed him back, reaching for his face and pulling him closer. Mouths opened, tongues met. His leg made its way between her legs as the kiss deepened.
Before they could get to a point where it would be indecent to be in public the doors of the elevator opened and they stumbled to Kate's apartment. She started unbuttoning his shirt, never letting her lips leave his, before he finally pushed her away.
What were they doing to themselves? What the hell were they? They weren't together but now here they were making confessions and kissing each other like they never wanted to stop.
Then there was still the other issue between them; what was wrong with Kate?
"Kate," he breathed out in barely a whisper when he noticed that she was crying. "Please tell me what's wrong."
"Rick." She pressed her lips to his forehead before looking him in the eyes. "I have Multiple Sclerosis."
He didn't have to ask what it was. He spent enough time in the New York Public library when he was younger to end up researching several different diseases when he wasn't sure what else to read about. He knew that the disease was one of the nervous system associated with a lack of protective barriers around the neurons in the brain.
He clung to her, she clung to him, and they couldn't tell whose tears were whose at this point. Tomorrow they would think objectively; for tonight they just needed each other.
No more words were said as clothes were shed and lines were about to be crossed.
Tomorrow was going to be full of important conversations and responsibility but for tonight, they needed this.
~O.o.O.o.O~
"What happens now?" Castle asked her the next morning after a night of no sleep.
"There are medications I can take that will help," she told him, "not to mention the physiotherapy I'll need eventually."
Rick sighed. He knew that; it wasn't what he meant. "And I'll be with you all through that Kate. Every single step of the way. What I mean is what happens now with us?"
"I... I don't know," she admitted.
"You know I love you and even though we haven't talked about it since you told me you love me too."
She cupped his cheek and chin with her hand and he set his over her. "I do love you Castle. I love you but what kind of future will you have with me. I know M.S. isn't an immediate death sentence but what kind of life would we lead together just waiting for me to get sick?"
"No Kate, you don't get it. I love you. I want to be there for you."
She tried to be strong. She didn't want to lose it now. He wiped one of her escaping tears from her face with his thumb before closing the distance between them and pressing his lips to hers. The kiss quickly became desperate—frantic—full of raw emotion.
"We'll manage Kate. I promise."
~O.o.O.o.O~
Years passed but Rick never left Kate's side even the few times she went spiralling downhill and tried to push him away. After her first M.S. attack that left her having to use a cane she was forced to give up her career. It was a hard time for her. She felt like without her career she had nothing. Luckily Castle was able to remind her that her career wasn't everything she had; there was also him.
They were strong; they got past it. Kate still consulted on the occasional case which made her feel at least slightly useful. Things were getting better.
Until they got worse.
She had a second attack; this one worse than the first. The cane didn't cut it anymore; she would need a wheel chair. Her freedom was gone.
~O.o.O.o.O~
In a moment everything you knew could change. You think life is going one way, but the fates as one would have it, have something completely different in mind. In a moment all is gone.
She was improving—getting stronger and stronger even though doctors weren't hopeful. Once again Kate Beckett was going to beat the odds. At least that's what they all hoped. Life didn't always work that way.
Sometimes it only takes a moment. Sometimes it only takes something small. In this case it was a cough. A simple cough that turned into a coughing fit which was her end. In the end the disease caused her brain to short.
Rick never even got to say goodbye.
It only takes a moment.
For C.A.