trigger warning: suicide, the aftermath of suicide. anger, depression, sadness. alcohol use. alcohol poising.
"you hurt because you're alive" – charlie st. cloud
.
"campbell saunders is dead."
.
how do you react. how are you suppose to feel about something like that.
the clock ticks, humming the sound of time moving forward. every minute that passes is another minute that campbell saunders is no longer on this earth, is no longer alive. he's gone now. that's what principle simpson says, anyway. she doesn't know that she believes him.
campbell isn't that selfish. he wouldn't do that to her. he wouldn't.
.
she walks around with her spine stiff, on-guard: aware of the world around her, staring at her, trying to decipher what she's hiding behind her eyes. what's going on in that pretty little head of hers.
she gives nothing away.
because she's stronger than this, stronger than he ever was. cam may be dead, but maya isn't and she's not going to waste her life missing someone who didn't care enough about her to throw their life away.
she refuses too.
.
she thinks she's okay, tells herself she's okay.
but she's not okay.
.
here's the thing about pain, "it demands to be felt." that's what john green once said. and it's the truth. you can shove it down and cover it up for only so long before it consumes you, changes you.
so maya tells herself she won't let this get her down. she tells herself she won't feel sad for someone who wanted to die. and she doesn't feel sad.
she feels angry and bitter and she doesn't deal with it.
she just keeps pushing it down, pushing it and pushing it and pushing it.
she does this enough times that she begins to believe there's truth to her lie, and that makes her feel sick with herself.
.
she spins out of control.
there's a bottle in her hand and a flirty smirk on her face and hate in her heart. she invites the boy with the curly dark hair over to watch movies, but they both know there's going to be no watching.
when he leans in closer she thinks maybe this will help, maybe she'll be able to finally forget. maybe tonight she won't dream about cam, maybe she won't replay every moment they've ever had in her head. maybe she won't watch that goddamn video he sent her anymore. maybe she'll be able to forget.
but then his lips are on hers and when he kisses her, all she can think is he's not cam.
cam's gone.
.
she tells herself she won't cry but then she does cry. she cries and she can't stop and cam's gone and she's here and she can't breathe. the grief is in her chest, sitting on her lungs, wrapping itself around her heart and squeezing. It's in her stomach, making her retch, and in her eyes, burning them and rubbing them raw.
most of all, though, it's inside of her head. whispering to her, reminding her, scolding her, blaming her.
sure, she didn't put the noose around his neck. but she could have been the one to take it off.
she tells herself she could have saved him and she believes that much more than she believes that she's okay.
.
the vodka burns her tongue and her throat going down and it tastes horrible, but it gives her this feeling of warmth that reminds her of cam's touch so she drinks more and smiles at the boy with the curly brown hair.
she feels light and happy after five shots, and the people around her encourage her to take more and she laughs like she's never laughed before, but this laugh – it's not real. It's weighted down by the subconscious knowledge that she's not okay.
she's spiraling and the people around her are cheering for her as she falls.
.
they plan an intervention, katie and tori and tristian and zig.
tori lures into the empty class room and tristan shuts the door and zig turns the lights on and there's katie sitting on the desk, and she knows what this is. deep down, she also knows this is what she's been needing.
but maya matlin doesn't deserve to be helped. that's how she feels, so she scowls and crosses her arms over her chest and she knows where this is going, she just knows and deep down she hopes they can pull her back, because she's too tired to pull herself back up to the surface.
"maya," katie begins, and maya hates the way katie's looking at her. like she's a china doll. all porcelain and breakable pieces. well, katie matlin, looks like the joke's on you.
maya matlin shattered the second those four words came out of her principle's mouth.
"we're worried about you." katie continues.
tori picks up where katie left off, and maya can't help but notice that she doesn't look once in zig's direction. "we want to help you, maya. we love you and we're scared of the way you've been acting."
maya opens her mouth to defend herself, but then tristan cuts her off.
"i over heard my brother talking about a party he was at. you were there. taking shots, kissing some boy. maya, this isn't you."
she looks at them, waiting for the punch line or maybe she's waiting for zig to speak, but none of them say anything. she starts laughing.
"this is the new me. because the old me wasn't enough. i couldn't save him and you can't save me." she doesn't even know where the words have come from, but they leave everyone in the room visibly shaken, but mostly they leave maya shaken.
she turns and walks away, and hopes she doesn't look as weak as she feels.
.
there's a moment in time where you just stop, and look back. a defining moment where you pause and you say one of two things.
"no, i won't be this person. i won't let this define me. i am stronger than this. i am strong enough."
or.
"this is going to consume me. and it isn't that i want it to, because i don't. but i'm just not strong enough; i'm too tired to fight anymore. i want to want to fight, but the thing is, i don't want to fight. i just want to close my eyes for a little while."
sink or swim, so to speak.
.
some girl finds her passed out in the bathroom at one of those parties she's been going to. at first glance, she thinks she's just had too much alcohol and moves to try and wake her up. but then she realizes maya's barely breathing.
word spreads to the people at the party.
they think she's dead. they think she's dying. they think she attempted suicide.
it's alcohol poisoning, the doctors confirm, then pump her stomach.
.
she lays in her hospital bed with her eyes closed. katie's holding her hand. the iv attached to her arm drips. the heart monitor beeps. her pulse is good. she's reminded that she's alive. and then she's reminded that he's not.
this is her defining moment.
sink or swim.
maya opens her eyes.
.
she stays silent for a long time, gazing at walls and ceilings, her eyes unfocused and red. her heart feels heavy and the sadness is still there but the anger is gone, replaced with a sense of numbness.
she's wrapped up in her sheets, her back to the door, when katie cracks the door open and slides into the bed beside her. it's only when she feels her sister's arms wrap around her that she starts crying.
"he's gone, he left me. he left me and i'm alone and he's gone, katie. he's gone and i miss him, i miss him to much. and i hate him, i hate him and i hate myself. we should have known. someone should have known and someone should have saved him.
i keep looking for him. i catch myself searching a crowd of faces for his, at the beginning of french class, when i'm by my locker. in my sleep. every single time I close my eyes. and the worst part is, he's always there. right behind my eyelids, just out of reach. always out of reach. he left me and I hate him for that."
maya's voice is shaky, and by the time she's finished talking, undecipherable. but katie's still crying into her shoulder, her nails pressing into her skin a little harder, and maybe it's the sharp pain of her nails in her side, the sound of her sobs against her shoulders, the feel of her tears on her skin that makes maya realize she's not as alone as she feels.
"we'll get through this. you're not alone, you're not alone, you're not alone." katie whispers this to her until the sun comes up, her arms stay wrapped tightly around her sister, and for the first time since cam's death, she believes this, at least.
.
her parents send her to see a therapist and she works things out with tori and tristan and zig and katie's a lot nicer to her and things seem to be looking up.
and yet, there's still this deep sense of sadness in her chest that won't go away.
.
they tell her there's nothing she could have done in counseling, and though she doesn't believe this, though she knows she'll never believe this and she'll never truly get past this, she knows what it's like to be left behind.
she understands what it feels like to lay awake and cry and ponder and play it all back and she knows that feeling, deep in her chest. twisting and growing and squeezing and she understands now that her heart's not broken, but there's a hole more than half the size of her heart labeled "campbell saunders."
a hole that nothing will ever fill.
she doesn't want to leave anyone around her with that hole labeled "maya matlin" so she fights.
.
cam's hands will always be there, invisible and wrapped around her neck, only giving her enough air to sustain her. but she's learned to deal with it. to understand that it's a good thing, as much as it's a bad thing, to always carry a piece of cam around with her in her heart.
it leaves her breathless and tired and sad, but in every bad, there's always a little bit of good, and she clings to the bad as much as she clings to the good, because it's all cam.
.
it's all cam and she never wants to let go of that.
.
notes: if you ever, and i mean ever, feel sad or depressed, please remember that suicide is NOT the answer. if you ever need to talk to anyone, here are resources:
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
and if none of those, you can talk to me. message me on tumblr, as I'm on there more: shut-away . Tumblr . com
you may feel alone, but you're not. you're not alone and you never will be. please believe that.