The Astronaut
Song
::We cut to Kaoru Misaki and
Hiroshi Oozoru on a lunch break from work. Seeing as it's a business
lunch...they're forced to talk business. Rough life, ne?::
Hiroshi: (choking down a sammich)...So,
I was thinkin' that if we updraded the Z23.50 to 300 megahurtz we could...
Kaoru: (looking kind of lost in
his own world) Uh-huh...
Hiroshi: And if we also graduated
to...dude, are you OK?
Kaoru: (looks up)
Er...uhmmm...Actually, I'm not OK. I'M SICK OF THIS [expletive] JOB!!!
Hiroshi: Nani?!
Kaoru: I never asked to be a
Computer Technition!! (cue generic anime tear streams)
Hiroshi: What are you talking
about?!?
::All of a sudden, the cafe
backdrop changes to a cheaply painted universe looking like it was done by a
five-year old raised by wild pygmy goats. Hiroshi is understandably stunned by
all this::
Hiroshi: What the...?!?
Kaoru: (standing up on the
table) I don't want to blither on all day about Intel chips or parameters
or the information superhighway! I always wanted to be....(whips off lab
coat, to the disappointment of the bishie lovers of the world, he's wearing a
large, bulky, white space suit) .....AN ASTRONAUT!!!! (cue music to
begin) Drifting from star to star as they use up all their hydrogen and
burn out in vast infinate void of the Milky Way!! The red giant! The quarks!
The Mir! THE BIG BANG! The eternally pulsating pulsars! The funky little space
debris! The lightening-fast asteroids of the Oort Cloud! The towering facial
illusion on Mars! The melting ice caps on Europa! The possibility of
extraterrestrial bacteria! The burning feeling of entering Earth's atmosphere!
Mercury, Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune and Venus! With my kawaii little Mirai-chan
by my side!
Mirai:
MIIIIIIIIIIIIISAKIIIIIIIII-SEMPAIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAIIIIIISHIIIIITEEERUUUU!!!!!! (glomps Kaoru and latches on with the
strength of a few dozen parrots that haven't ceased to be)
Kaoru: (with his arm around
Mirai-chan) I just wanna sing!
Sing! SING!! (sings) I'm an astronaut and I'm OK! I keep interplanetary
beings at bay!
Dr. Machinegal's Dolls: (appear from nowhere
dressed like the crew of Star Trek) He's an astronaut and he's OK! He keeps
interplanetary beings at bay!
Kaoru: I float and drift! I drink
some Tang! I replace the anti-freeeze!! On Venus I get poisoned and stink up
the lava'try!!
Dr. Machinegal's Dolls: He floats and drifts! He
drinks some Tang! He replaces the anti-freeeze!! On Venus he gets poisoned and
stinks up the lava'try!!
Kaoru/chorus: Oh, I'M AN ASTRONAUT AND
I'M OK!!! I KEEP INTERPLANETARY BEINGS AT BAY!!!
Kaoru: I record G's! I bust some
heads! I like to beat alien beeeiiings! I hijack Mirai's clothing and use it as
a towel!
Dr. Machinegal's Dolls: He records G's! He busts
some heads! He likes to beat alien beeeiiings! He hijacks Mirai's
clothing.....?? And uses it as....a...towel....???
Kaoru/chorus: I'M AN ASTRONAUT AND I'M
OK!!! I KEEP INTERPLANETARY BEINGS AT BAY!!
Kaoru: I record G's! I clean up
with her shirt, bandanna, and her braaaaaa!!! I'm obsessed with that girlie,
and think of nothing but her at allllllll!!
Dr Machinegal's Dolls: He records G's! he cleans
up with her shirt....bandanna....and....BRA?!? He's obsessed with...that
girlie? And thinks….of...nothing but her.......at all?!?!?! (walk out in
disgust)
Mirai: (tears in her eyes)
I didn't think you were such a hentai, Misaki-sempai!
Kaoru: (shrugs) Well, it's
lonely in space!
Mirai: And I thought you were such
a gentleman!! (runs off crying)
Kaoru: Mira-chani!! Oh, some on it
was just a song! I was just joking!! Mirai-chan! MATTE!! (sigh) That's
it, minna. Show's over...go home.
Dr. Machinegal: (walks out wearing a tux
and carrying a cane) OH! HE'S AN ASTRONAUT AND HE'S OK!!! Cha cha chaaaa!!!
He keeps interplanetary beings at bay!! EVERYBODY!!
Everybody but Hiroshi, who's
still in shock: OH HE'S AN ASTRONAUT AND HE'S OK!!! HE KEEPS INTERPLANETARY BEINGS AT
BAY!!! HE'S AN ASTRONAUT AND HE'S OK!!!! HE KEEPS INTERPLANETRAY BEINGS AT
BAY!!!
Dr. Machinegal: Cha Cha Cha!!!! (slips
and falls) Ow! My hip!
Hiroshi: (sighs and covers the
camera up with his hand)
fin
