Dear Johnny,

When you left, a little piece of me died inside. Now, I've lost a boyfriend before. I've lost a lot of boyfriends. And I've even lost friends before. But I've never lost a best fiend. And that's why it was hard when I lost you.

I said a lot of nasty things that night. Sadly a lot of them are true, but I still hate myself for saying them to you. I meant them, but I shouldn't have. When I watch House alone or when I'm listening to Summer of '69, I replay that night over in my head. I think about if I hadn't punched you in the face, maybe you wouldn't have left. But then I think about if I didn't punch you in the face, I would have thrown all your CDs out the window anyways.

I'm listening to our song right now. And when ever they play it on the radio or in the mall, I think about all those times. Do you remember the when I took your trumpet and stashed it in Mike's tuba case? You got off the band bus and freaked out, because you knew for a fact that you put it on the bus. And while you trashed the bus looking for it, I stood behind you cracking up. It took you forever to notice me and Trisha doubled over in laughter, because you were to busy screaming at everyone to help find your trumpet. Your exact words were "Help my find my fucking case you dumbasses, before I fucking beat you to a bloody pulp!" You didn't know, but one of the judges was about five feet behind you with his children at the time and that's probably why you didn't win the solo competition that day.

Do you remember when you first moved to Kenton? I saw you get off the bus, with a huge backpack and a parka on. I thought it was hilarious. You quickly learned that no one used a backpack in Kenton and you were a wussy if you wore a jacket past April 1st. I got stuck showing you around by force. I thought you were such a faggot and I did not want to be seen with you. But once you ditched the backpack and the fuzzy parka, things turned out alright. More than alright.

Remember when we caught Frankie and Amber making out in the precession closet? And Frankie jumped up and caused the rack of bass drums to fall on Amber? Mr. Stander told them that if he ever caught them "sucking face" in the percussion room again, he would kick them out of the band. He then proceeded to inform the rest of the band that if they ever wanted to make out, use the uniform closets because people only used them twice a year?

Speaking of uniforms, I was looking at mine the other day, right before the Memorial Day parade. I had my nifty needle and my handy gold thread because I tore the hem of the pants a couple weeks ago. I was looking at the collar of the jacket when I noticed the seam needed to be fixed. And I remembered why. I have the rock you put in there. It's on a chain around my neck, because only my boyfriend would keep pieces of the rock you sat on when you first kissed and force you to sew it into your band uniform. I don't think I'll ever take it off.

Mr. Stander said you mom never returned your band uniform. I wouldn't. We did so many things in that uniform. Remember the time you wore it to school, shako, plume, dinkles and all, because Matt dared you on the Virginia trip.

Or that time, coming back from the competition in Dover, when you and Joey ripped off your uniform, only to revel that you both were wearing Batman and Robin costumes. And you decided to order everyone's food in Burger King, still wearing the costume.

We have great memories on the band bus. Like how you never fell asleep next to me. You would always 'fall asleep' on Joey's shoulder and then 'sleep walk' across the bus and wrap yourself around me. It times when like that that I remember what we were. And how much I really loved you. Mr. Stander doesn't order the same bus. It's a different one from a different company. He knows I would never get back onto that bus.

Remember when Ana threw a pickle at the ref during one of the games and you got kicked out of the stadium because if Ana got one more demerit she would be suspended and couldn't go on Disney trip. Ana was forever grateful, even though you keyed her car.

When I freaked out that night. I didn't mean it. I was mad, I was pissed that you would cancel our plans so you could hang out with Matt. I thought maybe you didn't love me anymore. I had tons of thoughts running through my head that night. And when you sister told later that you went out with Matt to buy an engagement ring, so you could propose to me during the band banquet, I knew it was all my fault. I knew I was the biggest bitch out there.

They say you got hit by a drunk driver. And that it's really not my fault, but I know that if I had just let you stay, you wouldn't have gotten in your car to drive three hundred miles to talk to your dad. I wish now that that for once in my life, I had just shut up. But I didn't and I'm never going to forgive myself.

I'm always going to love you Johnny and as I listen to Don McLean on the mix CD you made me, I know that I'm never going to find anyone else that will ever compare to you. And that no matter how long I live, I'm never going to forget you, because you are awesome and no one can tell me different. I wish you never died.

I love you like there's no tomorrow

Love SJay