The Battle Of The Beards

Okay so this is what happens when I put too much sugar in some Indian sweets I was making. I don't own the Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter or any of the songs in it. Enjoy and don't take it seriously!

Elrond: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of, oh wait sorry wrong speech.

Saruman: Get on with it.

Elrond: Right, sorry. Anyway you are here to answer the most potent...

Legolas: Sorry but where are we?

Harry: It looks like Kings Cross Station, only cleaner. And without the trains.

Galadriel: Lou! Send Mr. Potter here back, he has to kill Voldemort!

Me: Oh right, bye Harry! (Harry vanishes in a puff of blue smoke)

Pippin: I'm confused.

Elrond: You should not even be here! This council is to decide once and for all who has the best beard. Only bearded people may attend.

Pippin: You don't have a beard. Neither does Galadriel.

Elrond: We are the judges.

Pippin: Oh I see. Then why is Legolas here?

Legolas: Moral support and because the author fancies me.

Me: I have no comment on the matter.

Arwen: Someone tell me what I am doing here!

Elrond: You are supporting Aragorn.

Aragorn: They've banned Marmite in Denmark. (Sobs)

Arwen: Good, I hate Marmite.

Elrond: Can we please return to the council? Gandalf, Saruman, Aragorn, Eomer, Gimli and Dumbledore, you must unite or you will fall. Wait no hang on. Ah yes, you must um, oh Valar. I forgot what I was meant to say...

Galadriel: We are going to judge your beards so that you will finally stop fighting over whose is best. Dumbledore, what are you doing here?

Dumbledore: Sherbet Lemon. (Disapparates or dies, not sure which)

Legolas: Where did he go?

Faramir: Shut up elf.

Legolas: Hey! You were not mentioned!

Faramir: So? I have a beard.

Gandalf: Well my beard is longest.

Saruman: Is not!

Gandalf: It changed colour, it's grey in the fellowship the white when I come back. That makes it the best.

Elrond: *sigh* What do you think my Lady?

Galadriel: I think Darwin should win.

Charles Darwin: Why thank you very much; my beard is the result of evolution through natural selection... (Vanishes in a puff of sciency smoke)

Pippin: Where did he go?

Me: He was getting boring. So are we done? Darwin wins yay, let's go home.

Saruman: Darwin is not from Middle-Earth.

Galadriel: Neither are you, the Maiar come from Valinor.

Gimli: So I'm the only person here with a real beard from Middle-Earth?

Aragorn: My beard counts, girls just love it. Arwen, Eowyn, the author's Danish friend...

Faramir: Hands off Elfstone, Eowyn's mine!

Eomer: Hey, that's my sister you're talking about! (Fist fight between Eomer and Faramir)

Arwen: I do not like the beard. Aragorn, the beard comes off. (Moves closer to him with scissors)

Aragorn: Help!

Sherlock: It's raining in Cardiff.

Elrond: You have no beard!

Sherlock: I do in The Other Boleyn Girl.

Elrond: *headdesk*

Pippin: Holy Took! Where did that desk come from?

Elrond: *headdesk*

Galadriel: There there, it will be alright. (Pats Elrond comfortingly on the back)

Gimli: My beard's best, my beard's best, my beard's...

Everyone else: Shut up!

Saruman: My beard is the best, I'm not winning because Galadriel hates me *sob*

Galadriel: Of course I do! You almost stole my ring! Oh no, spoilers.

River Song: That's my line!

Chekov: I can do it! I can doit! Compensating gravitational pull...

Galadriel: Someone send the Russian back to space please...

Aragorn: My beard is the winner, it's like a little love machine!

Legolas, Arwen and Yarna: Ra Ra Rasputin, Russia's favourite love machine, it was a shame how he carried on!

Me: Yarna! Get out of here! Go back to my other story!

Yarna: Valar! Keep your hair on! (Disappears back to my more serious story All That Glitters)

Legolas: Oh, I'm all sad now. Can I go with her?

Faramir: Please do. (Continues to punch Eomer)

Boromir: Hey horse freak! Stop beating my baby brother up!

Eomer: You're meant to be dead!

Boromir: Oh yeah, forgot about that. (Returns to World's End) Hey isn't Legolas supposed to come pick me up soon?

Legolas: Not me, bye! (Disappears along with Yarna)

Galadriel: As we were saying...

Pippin: I'm hungry!

Elrond: *headdesk*

Gandalf: My beard rocks!

Eomer: My beard's cool! I lose it when I play Bones though...

Bones: I can fix that! (Painfully injects Eomer)

Eomer: Ow!

Bones: Do you have numb tongue?

Kirk: Bones! Get back here!

Bones: Gotta go! (Transports out)

Faramir: Oh no! Two Eomers! Help! (Jumps off Minas Tirith like his dad)

Eowyn: Oh dear, anyone for soup?

Everyone: Noooooooooooooo!

Elrond: *headdesk*

Galadriel: Someone help, please!

Superman: Never fear, Superman is here! Do I ever actually say that?

Gimli: You out your underwear on first laddie.

Superman: Oh right, (Blushes) um bye.

Pippin: I'm hungry.

Joan Of Arc: I proclaim zat Gimli's beard wins!

Saruman: Says who?

Joan: Says me. I am cool; I am French and ze author 'appened to look at a 'istory book as she typed zis.

Saruman: Fair enough. (Grima slits his throat) Urgh.

Gandalf: I agree, well done Gimli.

Gimli: Yes! Whooopeeee! Oh yeah, I rock! Woooo go Gimli! Go Gimli!

Elrond: *headdesk*

Dumbledore: Alas, earwax.

Ha, ok I might need to expand the disclaimer a bit. I don't own the Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Star Trek, Rasputin by Boney M., Sherlock, Superman, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Other Boleyn Girl, Marmite or The process of Evolution through natural selection. Darwin and Joan of Arc aren't mine either but they're not subject to copyright. That's about it, just time for Elrond here to add a little something.

Elrond: Review and she'll take away the desk. Please. *headesk*

Ha he doesn't really have that many grey cells left now...