Get Shwifty

Prompt One: "Literally everything we're doing is illegal."

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Morty covered his ears with gloved hands as the blaring of an alarm sounded.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

In an attempt not to panic, he looked down at his grandfather. Rick didn't seem to notice the loud alarm as he continued to dig through the dirt. He had already gotten knee deep, there wasn't much more to go.

"Rick!"

The old man turned and glared at him. "What, M-URRP-orty? Got-got something to say, you piece of-you piece of shit slacker? Huh?" He pulled his flask out of the breast pocket of his lab coat and took a long swig. "Is your brain so tiny you-you forgot what I told you three minutes ago? Dig, Morty!"

Morty shook his head, the blaring of the alarms seeming to get quieter as he grew angry. He threw his gloves on the ground. "RICK! Wh-wh-what's going on?!"

Rick rolled his eyes, knowing that this conversation was meaningless. He turned back towards the hole he had been digging and continued his work. "Li-Listen, Mor-URRP-ty. Not all of us are-are well off-not everyone is able to just-just pay for things, Morty! Sometimes you gotta get your hands in the mud." He paused. "Dirt. Whatever."

Ignoring his grandpa's poor joke, Morty instead focused on the more pressing matter. "I-I-I-I thought we were just getting some shoelaces, Rick!"

Morty could practically feel the annoyance coming from Rick. "Well, Morty, obvious-obviously we're getting sho-URRP-shoelaces. But shoelaces are like kalaxian crystals in this dim-URRP-ension, Morty. So, uh. Literally everything we're doing at this point is illegal."

"Aw-aw, jeez, R-R-R-Rick! D-don't you have money?!"

"Uh, no, Morty I don't. This dimension only accepts a currency of highly flammable genitalia. So unless you wanna chop your nutsack off for ol' grandpa here, my idea is better." Rick smirked at Morty's horrified face as the dumb boy covered his nuts.

Rick snickered, giving one big stomp in the hole only to cause the ground beneath his feet to crumble. He let out a short yelp. On the way down, he fell onto a guard, who cushioned the majority of his fall.

"Aw, fuck..." Rick groaned out, rubbing his head. Looking around, a wide grin spread over his face. He fucking knew there was an underground stash down here. "Morty!" He turned his gaze up to his young grandson who was peeking at him through the hole.

"Rick! Are-are-are you okay?"

"Y-URRP-yeah. Fuckin' peachy." The old scientist struggled to his feet and dusted himself off. He glanced at the gaurd he'd fallen on. The alien had passed out. "Now get your ass down here and kill this guard for me."

"N-no way, Rick. I'm-I'm not doing your dirty work!" Despite his words, the teen began to wiggle down the hole and grunted as he landed in the underground. "Why do we have to kill him anyway? Couldn't we settle for-I dunno, leaving him unconscious?" Morty waited for Rick to tell him some stupid ass reason for why the guard should be dead but it never came. Curious, the boy turned to where Rick was, watching as his grandpa shoveled shoelaces into his pockets.

Then Morty wondered something. "Rick. Why-why the hell didn't we just buy them?"

"Ugh, Morty. Dumb as ever." With a swift motion, the old man pulled his portal gun out of his lab coat and shot a portal back to their dimension. He reached awkwardly to tug Morty through with him. While Rick stepped gracefully into their garage, Morty had been dropped with a small thud as he hit the ground. "The shoe-URRP-laces are only rare if-if they're from the Defariaxion planet. They-they stuff the whoooole thing with this super intense m-mating serum, Mo-URRP-rty. These bad boys are worth more than five trillion burning nutsacks."

In the process of Rick's explanation, Morty had gotten himself to his feet, an understanding look on his face. "So are you g-gonna sell 'em to the Opinals from X-34227? Aren't they having trouble with their failing population?"

Rick set the mass of shoelaces he'd stolen on his work bench. "Funny how you suddenly think grandpa is a good, respectable man of society. These bad boys are gonna be sold to F-'§7 for a fortune, biiiitch!" Upon seeing his grandson's disapproving reaction, Rick explained, "Th-that dimension is getting taken over by a powerful demon, Morty. A demon who's going to make them all be sad for the rest of their lives until they all kill themselves. It's-it's-it'll be a suicide dimension soon, Morty! So I'm gonna sell these to the inhabitants so they can all enjoy at least two more days of all out fun."

"Oh, boy, Rick. I-I-I dunno... M-maybe we could just sell them to X-34227 and then help the people of F-'§7 find a new home?" Morty rubbed his arm awkwardly, realizing that he'd said the wrong thing as soon as the words had left his mouth. Rick slammed his fist on the table.

"Listen here, you little shit. There is no helping anyone else, remember? If we took the people to a new dimension, the demon would just go take over another one. The universe works that way. Besides, you don't need to worry about that." He tossed a shoelace to Morty. The boy fumbled a bit but caught it nonetheless. "It's just Rick and Morty, a hundred years."

Morty nodded. "Y-yeah. I-I guess you're right."

"I'm always right."

"Why'd you give me a shoelace, Rick?"

"It's a shoelace that holds the strongest serum for mating. Use it on whoever you want."

Morty let his mouth fall open in shocking realization. He felt his hands grow sweaty.

"Oh, g-geez."

END