Feeling
Summary: Feeling something for him was something she could no longer hide.
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue. If I did Sam and Andy would be more than friends.
Couple: Sam Swarek/Andy McNally
Words: 1,334
Author's Note: I really don't know what this is. A reflective piece? I am trying to write again, this is simply what came out of that.
True love stories never have endings.
-Richard Bach
She'd always turned to him. He was the one person she could trust with everything, whether it was her dad's problems or her own. Until today she had told him everything, but now he wasn't there to turn to.
He knew her in a way no one else did. He had been with her since the beginning, well since her second day.
The first day she had been with him, he was screaming at her. Yes, she had gone against one of her own, but she hadn't known any better. She stood there, letting him belittle her. Something about the way he looked down upon her made her want to be better for him. So she did everything in her power to make sure that became a reality.
When Boyko gave the orders of them being paired together she made the conscious decision to do everything his way. She soon realized he didn't follow the rulebook. When they had finished that first shift, she could now easily admit she wanted to take the plunge that very day.
She'd somehow dismissed him though when the dashing detective caught her eye in the days to follow. Something about him changed when it happened. Of course, he was still there for her, letting her know sometimes just how badly she was screwing up, but she never took it as a beating. She simply listened to the years he had on her.
Then there was Benny, the case that had never fully left her mind. She would think about it on most days, the way she had let the other man so easily fool her into thinking it was just another case. To her though it wasn't, it was a case that actually meant something to her. He of course understood her and after a long day with a pounding headache he had helped her.
She'd shot someone. There was no denying that. When she had finished the shift she was so mentally exhausted she didn't know what to do. She'd let the other go back to the rec center; almost not even carrying if he did go because she knew in her heart she would end up on his doorstep.
As he kissed her, she actually felt something. She hadn't felt anything in so long, she literally ran away from it. There was something about him that she couldn't get away from. It was if he had taken her and made her feel. It scared her, so she had suggested the fishing cabin, not for herself, but to get away from feeling for him.
She was good at pushing people away. Maybe that's why it was so easy for her to put his name on ice. She didn't even think before writing his name on a slip of paper. Of course, that came back to haunt her and she messed up her relationship with the perfect man. In reality, he was perfect, just not her perfect and she knew that.
A road trip was the last thing she wanted to do with him. She couldn't be around him. All the thoughts of that night consumed her. So she did the only thing she was good at, she over thought all of it, leading her to lose the prisoner.
She'd never seen him so mad. Again, he belittled her on her cop knowledge. She understood though, taking it all in, watching as his eyes cast some sadness. She knew she had let him down, which made him feel like he wasn't teaching her enough, but he had in so many more ways than one. Of course, she would never admit that to him.
The day her father became a possible murder suspect for a case the only person that understood her, was him. He was selfless that day. He picked her up from that ground and made her calm again. She had survived that day because of him. That same day she wanted to be with him, but she had run instead because the potential of feeling something again for him was too much. She had never truly thanked him for that.
The last day she had been a rookie she had seen him talking to another one like herself. She knew she wasn't a threat, but when she saw them walking out to the parking lot together, her insides had turned in ways they had never before. She scooted closer to the other man, just to get some peace of mind, and finally said yes to move in with him. She didn't feel anything she was just numb.
She ran like never before when she knew he was in trouble. Not because they were partners on the job, but because she knew she wanted to be partners for something far more scary than a job. Seeing him unharmed was the most relief she had felt in years. Seeing the way his eyes moved up and down her to make sure she was okay was enough for her to feel again. She turned her back and headed the other direction.
Feeling was her biggest problem. He said her biggest problem was over thinking, but she knew it was feeling. There was something about being wrapped up in another man's arm that didn't set right with her anymore. She had done no thinking in the matter and broke up with him.
Hearing Best say that in fact one of their own had gotten the spot in Guns and Gangs, her heart sank. She knew it was him and all she could do was stop and feel. All the emotions that had been building for him had come to the surface and no longer could she hide them. She told him how she felt that night.
He promised her that he would be back, but gave her nothing else. The look in his eyes she knew he was hurt that it had taken her this long. The hurt she was feeling of him leaving she was sure was at the same level as his.
As she stared at the number he had given her she had an internal battle. They hadn't spoken since that night and that had been two months ago. She didn't know if he was even the same person anymore. She didn't know if he was still the person she could turn too.
Talking to her father she only had given him a glimpse of what was going on in her mind. He'd told her that sometimes jobs like these can change a person. She'd responded with a nod, not giving away who she needed to know this about, but he clearly knew.
Deciding that waiting forever would probably be with worst option, she went with what he had told her so many times.
She listened to what her gut was telling her and dialed the all to familiar number.
"Sam?"
She heard the familiar laugh.
"McNally."
For the first time since she had last seen him she felt something again.
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