Bleeding Heart
Rating: R
Pairing: Jack/Daniel
Season: 3 – Tag for Pretense
Category: H/C
Spoilers: Forever In A Day, Pretense, Children of the Gods
Warnings: Slashfic
Disclaimer: The Stargate universe and its inhabitants are the sole property of MGM. I don't own them I just like to play with them.
Author notes: Thanks to Kalimyre for the beta!
All's well that ends well…or maybe not.
Jack stretched as he sat huddled behind his desk grinning to himself. It had been a long day. Good, but still long. Ska'ara was finally home safe and sound. It was the best news he'd heard since…well, it had been a long time. Jack wasn't exactly a big fan of the Tollan. On a good day he found them to be snooty and pretentious. However, the triad had gone a long way to improving his opinion. The verdict had lifted a ten ton weight from from his shoulders. Ska'ra was finally Ska'ara again. After three years spent berating himself for failing to save the kid on Chulak, his heart stopping in his chest every time they caught a glimpse of him in some far corner of the universe, it was over. They had their happy ending and all was right with the universe. Well, a little less screwed up anyway.
Jack pushed away from his desk, his report on the triad half finished. He wasn't in the mood for paperwork. He'd spent the better part of a day on pins and needles, scared to death the Tollans were going to make the wrong decision and erase Ska'ra completely. Then came the celebration at the SGC when the kid had been brought back to Earth safe and sound. That had been followed by Round One of the inevitable debriefing; one more than a little disturbing and destined to go on for days. To say the least, the last two days had been an emotional rollercoaster. Jack was thrilled, unsettled, and exhausted.
The briefing had broken up a few hours ago and they had hustled Ska'ara back to Abydos for a reunion with his family; not to mention wanting to get him away from Earth before the NID came sniffing around. Most likely the debriefing would pick up where it had left off once the kid had a chance to get settled. Ska'ara had learned a lot about the goa'uld in his few years as their hostage. There was a lot to cover.
Once again Jack had watched Ska'ara disappear through the stargate only this time there had been no heart wrenching urge to run after him, no despair, no feelings of failure; just the knowledge that at least one thing the goa'uld had screwed up had finally been put right. All Jack was really in the mood for now was to go home, have a beer, and collapse in bed, reveling in that feeling.
Daniel, on the other hand, wasn't having quite the same reaction.
He had been cranky off and on for months; ever since Shau'ri had died. Jack could hardly blame him for that. His wife was now permanently out of reach and his dream of settling back into a peaceful existence on Abydos had died with her. His stint at the SGC was supposed to have been a temporary thing; keeping him occupied until he could get back what he'd lost and he'd held onto that concept with both hands for the past few years. It had gotten him through quite a few rough patches. However, since that concept was no longer an option it had left Daniel floundering; wondering what to do with himself.
In reality a lot of things had changed since that plan was hatched. His life at the SGC wasn't as cut and dried as it had been once up on a time, nor as easily to walk away from. Still, the concept that he had no choice wasn't easy for Daniel to swallow. He was angry, pretty close to livid with himself over the fact that not only had he been the one to reopen the gate on Abydos in the first place, inviting the goa'uld to just walk right in, he hadn't been able to do anything to save Shau'ri. She'd been alone in a tent with him, had died literally within reach and he hadn't been able to save her. Nobody else blamed Daniel for any of it, not even Ska'ara, but that didn't seem to make much difference.
It wasn't the crankiness that had Jack concerned. He understood that part even if he did think that Daniel was headed for a breakdown if he didn't find a way to vent some of it. No, it was that Daniel had been sullen and withdrawn for most of the past two days; ever since the triad had started on Tollana and Ska'ara had made his first appearance. Cranky he could understand. Quiet and withdrawn was always a bad sign. It seemed that while the triad had quieted the need Daniel felt to continue scouring the universe for bits of his adopted family it had apparently done little to mend his heart. From where Jack stood it almost looked like it had had the opposite effect.
Jack had seen the expression on Daniel's face when he had emerged from Ska'ara's temporary quarters that afternoon after breaking the news to the kid about his sister's death. He had looked like he wanted to break something or at the very least sit down and cry himself into a stupor; jaw set, arms wrapped around himself, head hung, and his shoulders sagging. Jack knew how hard that news must have been to deliver, but when he'd looked in on Ska'ara he had found the boy's reaction much more optemistic than what he'd imagined based on the look on Daniel face. The kid was upset, but also incredibly relieved that his sister wasn't still a prisoner living a daily nightmare that never seemed to end. He blamed no one, but the goa'uld. Unfortunately the same couldn't be said for Daniel. Daniel blamed himself.
Jack turned off the light to his office and closed the door as he pulled on his jacket. The truth was Daniel was hurting so badly he hardly knew what to do with all the pain. Jack had been hoping the triad would heal some of that, but obviously it hadn't. The verdict had been announced and Daniel had heaved a sigh of relief and then headed back for the gate without so much as a word of congratulations to his brother-in-law. The only explanation Jack had was that Daniel had been reluctant to come face to face with Ska'ara and admit what had happened to Shau'ri. Especially since he felt it was his fault. Maybe he'd been afraid Ska'ara would come to the same conclusion. The boy hadn't, but Daniel's mood hadn't improved either.
Jack sighed heavily. He had to find a way to get Daniel to let go of some of this before he exploded. He could almost hear the time bomb ticking and it concerned him more every day that when the timer finally ran out it might not be at an ideal time or place. It had occurred to him more than once that the final straw could very well be delivered by a system lord when they were on a mission somewhere. Daniel would snap, attempt to play Rambo in a blind rage, and get himself and possibly someone else killed. Typically Daniel had much more restraint that that, but lately he was wound way too tight.
Striding down the hall, Jack braced himself for what was coming, reluctant to set aside his relief over Ska'ara's release for the darker problem of what to do about Daniel. However, it needed to be done and he suspected he was the only one to do it. Daniel had already driven everybody else off…or at least back several steps. Even Sam was giving him space and those two had always been close.
Jack rounded the corner to Daniel's office and stopped short, surprised to find the door closed. Daniel never closed his door any more. Once upon a time, sure…way back in the beginning, but he'd given up on the illusion of privacy when he realized people were constantly barging in on him anyway. In fact, Jack couldn't remember the last time he'd actually seen it closed. He paused for a moment wondering if he should bother knocking or just walk right in. Daniel was obviously giving the signal that he wanted to be left alone, but after a few long seconds of staring at the green and gray surface Jack decided to fake obliviousness. He knew Daniel well enough to know that if he tried to get all touchy feely on him it would only piss him off. Probably because he was incredibly bad at touchy feely and Jack would be the first to admit it. So rather than attempt what he was sure would be a really bad imitation of Sigmund Freud Jack decided it would be better to just charge ahead. If it inspired a fight then at least it would give Daniel a chance to blow off some steam.
"So, Daniel, you ready to call it a day?" he asked barging into the room only to discover he was talking to what looked like an empty office. "Daniel?"
"Over here." Replied a distinctly unenthusiastic voice, not quite angry, but far from inviting.
Jack followed the sound to the far corner and found Daniel standing in front of one of the bookcases near the back wall, thumbing through a dusty copy of something.
"What are you doing?" he asked wandering his way to that corner of the room.
"Working."
"Well whatever you're working on it can wait until tomorrow. Come on, let's get out of here."
"You go ahead. I'm going to stay for a while."
Jack looked at him for a long moment, reading his body language, Daniel refusing to acknowledge him, his gaze fixed determinedly on the page in front of him. Everything about him spoke of frustration: shoulders raised slightly toward his ears from the tension, hand pressed a little too firmly against the page, jaw clenched, brow furrowed. Ok so that part was normal.
Having taken it all in and concluded his mood most likely had nothing to do with what he was reading, Jack retraced his steps across the room and closed the door without a word. They were going to need a little privacy because Jack suspected he would find the need in the not too distant future to break the cardinal rule of their relationship: no displays of affection while they were on duty. Daniel instantly looked up at the sound, blue eyes both annoyed and curious.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Closing the door."
"Why?"
"No reason."
"Look, Jack, I don't want to talk right now. I've got a lot of work to do so please, just leave me alone."
"It's not going to work, you know." Jack pointed out, settling in the chair at Daniel's desk.
"What?" he sighed, taking the bait.
"Hiding. Believe me, I've tried it."
"I'm not hiding. I'm just two days behind."
"You want to stick to that story, Dr. Jackson?"
"What do you want me to say?" he asked, closing the book with a snap. "That I'm upset? Fine, I'm upset. Happy?"
"Not really." Jack replied, swiveling in the chair as if he had only a marginal interest in the conversation.
"Don't, ok? Just don't." Daniel warned.
"I'm not doing anything, but waiting for you to pack up so we can get out of here."
"Good then you won't mind if I ignore this lovely little conversation and go back to work." He said as he turned back toward the shelf and replaced the book.
Jack looked over at him again as Daniel scanned the shelves for something else. He could be incredibly stubborn when he wanted to be. Fortunately, Jack had invented stubborn.
"I wouldn't mind knowing why the triad seems to have pissed you off when everybody else is thrilled about it, including Ska'ara."
"It has nothing to do with the triad." Daniel replied, still determinedly refusing to look at Jack.
"Oh, I think it does."
"Fine, then it does."
"I think you're pissed off that the Tollan decided to come down from their ivory tower to save Ska'ara, but Shau'ri didn't get the same chance."
"No, she didn't, but it's not their fault." Daniel replied with a heavy sigh. "It's not like they refused to help."
"Not in so many words." Jack shrugged. "Just nearly every other one."
"They helped when they could."
"Sort of." Jack said turning his attention back to the desk. "So you're perfectly ok with the fact that Ska'ara was the one we saved."
"Yes." Daniel replied instantly as if he'd been expecting some kind of low blow from Jack all along and had already steeled himself against it.
"And not once during the last two days have you wished it was Shau'ri instead?" Jack continued, his gaze sweeping over the books and artifacts scattered across the desktop as if he were completely unaware that his comments had the ability to cut Daniel to the bone. It might have been a bit cold hearted, but pushing him to his limit was the only way Jack knew to get him to open up.
"What good would that do?" Daniel sighed. "Do I wish Shau'ri was still alive? Of course. Does that mean I wish Ska'ara was still a host? No, not for a minute."
"But…?"
There was a long silence this time, so long in fact that Jack finally looked over at Daniel and found him standing in front of the wall of books, arms wrapped around himself, head hung, glaring at one of the lower shelves.
"But nothing." He finally said, his voice choked.
If it hadn't been for the tone in his voice Jack would have been perfectly willing to continue pushing, taking shots at him, hoping to get him to admit out loud what they both knew he was thinking. Why had it been Ska'ara and not Shau'ri? A question he was more than likely beating himself up for even asking. However, the point was to get him to open up, not just piss him off and judging by his voice they'd already reached the opening up stage.
Changing gears, Jack got up from the chair and walked over to where Daniel stood pretending to scrutinize shelves whose contents he had already committed to memory. Stopping mere inches behind him Jack stood for several minutes without speaking, watching the steady rise and fall of Daniel's shoulders as he breathed, the tension still very apparent with an almost palpable vibration. Encouraged by the fact that Daniel hadn't chased him off or even attempted to move away, Jack rested his hands on his shoulders, feeling him twitch slightly at the contact. His defenses were down, something Jack rarely saw any more and he intended to take full advantage of it. However if he was going to avoid doing more damage he was going to have to tread carefully because a careless comment at that moment would be like a slap in the face and Daniel had been slapped around enough already.
Jack wracked his brain for something to say, but drew a complete blank. Saying the right thing at the right time had never been his strong suit. In fact it was usually just the opposite. In a sudden fit of inspiration he decided that the safest bet was to avoid words altogether. There were other ways to communicate, ones that wouldn't involve him putting his foot in his mouth. In situations like this there were no magic words anyway so there seemed little point in trying to say anything to make Daniel feel better. Nothing would help. Besides, he didn't need to be comforted with words right now. He just needed to let go of some of the pain he'd been carrying around.
Silently Jack began kneading Daniel's shoulders. Gently, slowly, deliberately working at the tense muscles, feeling them relax minutely. He had fully expected some kind of protest, even if only a half hearted one, but none came. In fact, Daniel didn't speak, his body rocking with Jack's ministrations, his breathing slow and steady. Jack could tell without looking that his eyes were closed. Resisting the urge to speak he continued letting his hands do the talking for him, though the continued silence was beginning to make him wonder if his plan was going to work. While it was always nice to have an excuse to touch Daniel, feel the smooth, solid muscles under his shirt, it hadn't exactly been the point. He didn't want him to clam up, he wanted him to let go. Of course, with Daniel so relaxed and unsuspecting it wouldn't be fair to change tracks again and revert back to trying to pick a fight with him. Quelling the feeling of frustration, Jack couldn't help but wonder why, of all the people on God's green earth he had to find himself emotionally tangled up with someone so brilliant, tender-hearted, and completely aggrivating.
Jack was almost resigned to the fact that his plan had failed miserably when he felt a hitch in Daniel's breathing. For a moment he thought maybe he'd simply run across a knot in a muscle and went back to massage that section of his shoulder when he felt it again followed by a slight shudder.
"Daniel?" he said, his voice low, hands still moving slowly, gently.
"Jack?" Daniel replied, his voice strangled and small.
The only thing he could think to say next was to ask if Daniel was alright, but even he knew it was a stupid question. Instead he took a step closer, pressing himself against Daniel's back and wrapped his arms around his body, holding him tightly. Instantly Daniel's hands came up and clutched at the arms that surrounded him, his breath hitching again.
"It's ok, Danny." Jack whispered, his chin resting on Daniel's shoulder. "Let it out."
"I can't." he croaked.
Jack held him tightly, gently rocking him from side to side, and stroking his shoulder with one thumb.
"I'm sorry, Daniel." Jack whispered. "I'm sorry about this whole mess."
"It's not your fault." Daniel replied quietly.
"I know, but I'm sorry anyway. This isn't the way I was hoping things would work out for you."
"I don't know what to do with this, Jack." Daniel admitted quietly. "I don't know how…"
"I know." Jack replied.
"It's just…it's over."
"I know."
"I don't know what to do." He croaked. "It wasn't supposed to end like this."
"I know." Jack repeated. "I guess now you have to decide what you want to do about that."
"Part of me wants to go back to the way things were…before I'd even heard about the stargate. Before Catherine."
"But?"
"Shau'ri's child is still out there somewhere, Jack. He's a prisoner of the goa'uld just like she was. I have to find him. It's important."
"Then we'll find him." Jack stated.
"It's not that easy."
"No, probably not, but since when has that ever stopped us?"
Daniel snorted quietly.
"In the meantime, maybe you could cut yourself some slack."
Daniel shifted in his arms.
"I know this isn't easy for you, Danny." He said gently. "And I also know this isn't your fault. None of it. You did the best you could. We all did."
"I know you did." Daniel swallowed as Jack continued to rock him gently. "I just…I'm just tired of all of this. I want it to stop. I need to make it stop."
"I know you do. I wish I knew how to make that happen. I honestly do. I'm a little tired of it, myself."
Daniel nodded, his head rested against Jack's whose chin was still on his shoulder.
"All I can really offer is a small break now and then." Jack continued. "And to that end…why don't we call it a day?"
Daniel nodded again.
"Come on," Jack said, kissing his cheek "let's go home."