He remembers before. Before the war, before death, before now. Before everything changed.
But then, he supposes, there was always something before. Something that they can't change.
There was always war, maybe not known, but waiting.
There was always death. He knows this. The same death that took his hope away.
There was always something. Something that kept him on edge. Something that distanced him from the others. Something that changed him.
He remembers late nights with the other Marauders. Eventually they were joined by Lily. But now that same death left him alone.
So many times had he tried to join them. Even before, when they were at Hogwarts. He couldn't stand the thought of being what he was for a moment longer. The lurking worry of someone getting hurt, getting killed, because of him.
And it was Sirius who saved him, Sirius who stayed up until ungodly hours just to talk. When he couldn't look at his scars anymore Sirius would wrap his arms around him and lead him to his bed.
When Sirius kisses Remus for the first time, it was delicate and careful. It wasn't expected from someone like Sirius, whom everyone had heard of his reputation.
No one else notices. Not one person sees the way they sneak secret glances at one another, or sit slightly closer when they all hang out in the common room.
When Lily approaches them one night in the empty common room they talk for hours about it because finally, finally someone knows.
When she leaves they sit there in comfortable silence because Lily knows and she doesn't care! She's still their friend. They trust her.
Now that same death has taken her and James and so many other people that he cares so much about.
He traces the fading lines on his skin. The ones that become harder to see over time but are always there. He considers adding to them, making more.
He wants Sirius to engulf him in his arms and whisper that it'll be okay, that they can stop it. That he can help.
But he can't. Because he's gone too. That same death has ripped him away.
And Remus has to live with that. He has to live with that because he can't bring himself to undo all the work that Sirius made. He won't disappoint him.
He must keep fighting. He won't let that same death take him too.