Lily and James

At a time where I should have been having fun I remember that I had my mind so far away from friends and family that I lost the best times of my life. It wasn't until now, though, that I finally realized it. Now that I'm walking away, no running, to protect everyone I've ever loved, and even those I never much appreciated. Because of me they're all at risk. I'd have never thought that merely 5 years ago I was blissfully unaware of this war, sitting in the common room, warm and cozy, with every other blissfully unaware student. And then six months later, thrown into this hell hole.

I know that they say to never have regrets. And I know that I should live that way. But I do have regrets. I regret not stopping to observe my life back in school. I regret not fully appreciating the love and support I had while it wasn't so… deadly. I regret my birth. I regret that my parents put themselves in danger by having me. If only they hadn't somehow 'magically' lined my blood with the ability to do witch craft… I could be a normal 22, almost 23 year old, thinking about University and petty things like that.

But I'm leaving, nothing can change that. My airplane ticket in hand, my small carry on, a cup of coffee in one hand and a tissue in the other, just in case. America, some place untouched by this war. A place for a muggleborn, like me, to live safely, easily, just far enough away to be unseen but close enough to know what's going on.

My flight, flight 1184 non-stop to Chicago, Illinois, was to leave in a little over an hour. The burning coffee in my hand kept me grounded, focused on what I was doing now. I sat watching the planes pass. Muggle transportation… a good way to start my new muggle life. No reason to procrastinate. As long as I used magic they could find me. Turns out, the Death Eaters had infiltrated the Ministry of Magic so completely they could track anyone they pleased by even the slightest bit of magic they perform.

As my coffee cooled my mind wandered. Had James gotten my note? Did he find my ring? He would never approve of me running away like this. We were to stay and fight together… but that was before. He was due home from work an hour ago. My letter explained why I was leaving and apologizing for returning his great grandmother's ring. Our wedding was set for next June. I thought I wanted nothing more than to marry James but, in the end, keeping him safe was more important. Keeping everyone I know safe, knowing they would not be associated with me any further than someone that I knew once, was my first priority.

I finished my drink and rose to start the queue for my flight. I noticed that the security guards suddenly gathered together, talking amongst themselves and listening to an order over their head pieces. They looked up, scanning the line. One of their eyes flew to look and me and, without taking his eyes off me, grumbled something back into his walkie. Anxious, I gathered my things and started pushing a way up further in the line. I shoved my way into the terminal when I heard the footsteps. I tried hiding my face, or actually, my hair, as it was much more obvious. Its brilliant red color stood out in a crowd worse than an elephant in a flock of flamingos. Trying to avoid looking toward the noise I continued walking forward. But it was too late. I tried to avoid this.

"Lily!" Someone gasped, grabbing my arm from behind me. Knowing I couldn't do anything but face him, I turned around quickly. He looked like a mess. His hair was mangled from stress, he was pale but flushed from running.

"James." I tried to sound calm… hopefully it was working. "How did you get here so fast?" It really was a mystery. I hadn't told him where I was going.

"I traced your credit card." He replied seriously. He dragged me out of the terminal, flashing his security badge at the guards on the way out. Aurors all had them for easy access in muggle areas, where we often needed to be. One of the guards nodded to him and walked ahead of us. James' hand was tight around my arm as he lead us back to a closed off room. It was dark, there was only one over head light and a steel table. James closed the door behind him and then turned to me. "What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing Lily? Running away?" He urged, putting his hands underneath my chin to force me to look at him. I really, at this point, didn't have the emotional will power to stare him in the eye. I knew that I was wrong, that this was against everything I ever said, but I didn't care anymore. I wouldn't let anyone's death be my fault.

"That's exactly what I'm doing James." I replied, nudging his hands away from my face and turning away from him. He stood his ground, staring at my back.

"But why? What about your family? What about The Order or your job… your friends? What about me." His voice cracked slightly. Suddenly angry, I turned and stared him hard in the face.

"What do you mean 'what about me?' This is all about you. This is all about my family and my friends! The farther I am away from here the better and everyone knows it." I snapped at him. "While I'm still around everyone I know is in danger and no one can stop them. You know that better than anyone James! With me gone, I'll fall off their grid. Without me out there locking them up they'll stop going after me. And if I'm still out there fighting them and they can't get me the next place they're going to go is my family. Then they'll go to you. Then they'll get everyone else I care about." I finally stared him straight in the eye. He couldn't argue with that. It was all true. He just had to accept it.

"You think you're being some type of martyr then, huh? Walking away to save everyone. You're not! We're all already blacklisted. It's true, your death is what Voldemort is after, but he knows you're still alive and he'll make you suffer for being a coward and running away."

"Don't you dare call me a fucking coward James Potter." I screamed, banging my fist on the table between us. "You're going to have to accept this. I'm leaving. Not because I'm afraid for me, I don't care if I die, I already accepted long ago that I would die in this war for the things I've done." James cringed, this was something we'd argued over many times. Being the muggleborn auror most responsible for the capture of the 50 or so death eaters made me Voldemort's number one target. I had accepted it. James had not. "I'm giving you a chance. I'm giving you all a chance. In these past few weeks I've received owl after owl of death threats against me. That I can live with. But the ones that involve you… my parents… Petunia… everyone I know. I can't live with that." My eyes pleaded with his. At the last statement his eyes softened. "I love you too much." James stepped around the table and cupped both his hands around my face.

"Don't walk out on this… on us." He was playing every card he had.

"It's already too late." My eyes began to well with tears. "I love you… but there's nothing you can say now to change my mind." I brought my hands up to his face, his five o'clock shadow bristled against my hands. "You have to let me go." His hazel eyes closed suddenly and he swallowed hard. His eyes, too, started forming a pool of liquid.

"No." He whispered hoarsely. He wrapped his arms around my waist and shoulders and pulled me as close to him as possible.

"Please James." I held him too, suddenly fully aware of what I was leaving behind. "Please." I swallowed hard, fighting the eruption of tears right at my throat. "I have to go. I'm going to miss my flight." I choked. I pulled at his hands, trying to pry loose.

"Lily please." He kept strong. I could feel him breathing in the scent of my hair. "Don't. Just don't."

"I'm sorry." I pulled again at his hands. "Please let go." He pulled tighter and I stood there, waiting patiently. I stroked the back of his neck and hair until he let go a minute or two later. He stood back and looked at me.

"Are you coming back ever?" He asked.

"I don't know… probably not until the wars over." I sighed. "Moody is going to be furious." I added, trying to lighten the mood.

"What should I tell him when I come back without you?"

"You'll figure it out… you've always had a knack for lying to authority figures." I started walking towards the door.

"So… this is goodbye then." I turned to look at him again.

"I guess so. Be careful okay? Tell my mum and dad I love them. And Petunia too. And tell Sirius and Remus I'm going to miss them." My tears flew down my face now. He nodded as he took his glasses off to clean the wet lens.

"I love you Lils." Was all he said.

"I love you too." I opened the door and walked through, letting it click quietly behind me.