your words are the blanket
Your words are the blanket
That keeps me warm
When the night is cold enough to break me
It is then that I can trust
In celebration of the air we breathe
We place all regrets aside
To capture this moment
Is to let go of the last
Love takes hold
How beautiful heaven must be
Sleeping at last
It starts with the beginning of November. They are about six months into the pregnancy and so far everything has gone according to plan. No surprises, no drama and even the morning sickness has been minor and bearable. But when the skies outside turn gray the fear creeps in and taints the heart.
She tries not to let it show, goes about her daily routine. Precinct, dinner and evenings filled with movies, talking and laughter. He manages to get her mind off of it most of the time, but when they crawl under the covers and he slips into unconsciousness so easily she is left to battle the quiet demons whispering in her ear.
It's too good.
Too easy.
Kate, nothing is ever this easy.
You'll get shot again.
Castle will die.
Something will happen to the baby.
And it doesn't stop. Not when she presses her palms to her ears and her face into her pillow. Not when she clutches herself close to her sleeping husband and grasps at the fabric of his shirt. Not when she inhales his scent like it's some kind of salvation, and especially not when exhaustion finally wins and the dreams come.
xx
It's on the third day that she surrenders. Castle's up in the bathroom showering and she wakes up to find the air filled with the scent of his shampoo and the steam coming from the mug filled with tea, waiting on her nightstand.
She pulls up the covers. Drapes the thick blanket over her head and hides in the darkness, hoping for the fear and sickness to just pass. Just fade. Please.
"Kate?" she hears the confusion in his voice and the slow tapping of his bare feet on the wooden floor. "Are you alright?" she stays silent, hoping that he will leave her be and believe that she is sleeping or whatever. But of course he doesn't. It's Castle after all. And she feels the way the mattress dips a little as he settles on the bed next to her.
She feels hot tears on her skin and seriously the air underneath the blanket is almost suffocating in its ardency. She wants to fling it away in order to breathe but she doesn't want him to see her cry, not because of something like that. She knows that he noticed her behavior has been off those past days, but it had gotten better in the evenings and their collective happiness has made it easy to forget the worrying and fears and she really doesn't want to ruin his enthusiasm by crying over some stupid paranoid thoughts.
"I'm fine" it's barely audible, muffled by the thick covers and his hand takes hold of the corner of the sheet and pulls it down a little, exposing her face as he does.
She's trying to smile at him, apology written over her face. All red eyes and tousled hair and he can't help but lean down to feather a kiss onto her lips and brush away some singular strands of hair.
"What`s wrong?" she almost laughs because seriously it's just so ridiculous. It's nothing. It should be nothing. And it feels like the whole world.
"It's just" her breath hitches, and seriously no Kate, you are not going to start full on crying now. But the tears start falling and her breaths come in quivers and quakes and before she knows it Castle's hand is on her cheek and his face comes closer and she hears him whisper "It's okay Kate, we'll stay in today, whatever you need okay?"
She nods, fast and desperate and Castle's hand is in her hair and he smells of fresh water and that shampoo Martha bought for him and slowly, ever so slowly her breathing returns to a normal pace.
He gets up then and her eyes shoot up to meet his, slightly panicked, only to find him smiling back at her.
"Wait here okay?" with that he leaves towards the living room and returns only seconds later, his arms filled with pillows from the couch.
He goes for many more trips; through the guest rooms and even into his mother's and Alexis' room until he has brought what have to be every single pillow and every blanket in their possession and starts draping them around the bed.
When the wall of pillows and softness surrounds the two of them on the mattress he takes care of the blankets, manages to somehow secure them on the board at the back and constructs a kind of patchwork sky over their heads.
He's built a fort, a home. The sun manages to break through the layers of blankets and fall into their little safe haven to cast them in all the colors of the spectrum.
He cuddles underneath the cover with her then, and with only one look she scoots closer into his chest and lets her arms wrap around his waist as his do the same. Her legs come between his and his palm rests at the small of her back and her head comes to rest on his shoulder.
It's warm but not uncomfortably so. It's welcome, soothing and home.
"You know when Meredith was in the fifth month of her pregnancy I pretty much had a meltdown."
She scoots away from him a little so that she is able to meet his eyes, but keeps her fingers resting on his hip lightly, always connected.
"I guess it just never really felt real, but she started showing and I just got scared. What would happen. Who this little person would be. I had only called it the peanut until then and god Kate It just all became so real" she smiles at him and lets her fingers play with the hem of his shorts a little.
"My mother came over here and saw me freaking out, securing every socket and every single sharp corner and just making sure that nothing could ever possibly happen and she sat me down on our couch" he laughs at the memory and Kate can imagine the way Martha had to practically manhandle him onto that couch, his worry making him fidgety and overly active.
"And of all the things she has ever said to me, those words have been the best advice I have ever gotten." He starts drawing circles at her back and she leans into his touch.
"She taught me that life is never safe. No matter how hard we try to prevent all risks of getting hurt. She said that she herself had been frightened that something would happen to me and when I broke my arm, only three years old, she had been blaming herself for something she couldn't have kept from happening in the first place"
He stops for a second and lets his palm travel up to her cheek again. "Bad things happen, they do every day and to everyone. Life isn't safe and the only thing we can hope for is some good years and that our efforts will be enough. And Kate" she looks up at him, meets his soft, cerulean eyes and sees the way they crinkle with the smile on his lips "putting your life on hold is never the best way to go. It might be safer but it's not happy. Anything can happen. Everywhere . And all the time, and all you can do is go out there and be terrifyingly optimistic as you grasp onto as much happiness as you can get"
She smiles, a little sad smile and nods.
"You don't have to start today. And we can hide in here for as long as you need. But our child is going to be great" there is so much conviction in his voice, such honest belief and she hopes that she will find that within herself again.
"What if it isn't" her voice is small and scared and she breaks his gaze as she speaks. "What if something happens. What if I get shot, or you, or something happens to the baby?" her breathing is starting to pick up speed again and his fingers wave into her hair and soothe the curls until she looks up at him again.
"We'll do everything to prevent that to happen, and if it does, then I'd say you and me have enough experience to say, with all certainty, that we'd be able to make it work"
Her lips curl upwards ever so slightly and he goes on "Because you know, we make a pretty damn good team, you and I"
She nods then and leans forward to capture his lips. Soft and safe. Home.
She looks up at the blankets sheltering them from the world. "We can stay in here for a little while though right?"
"We can stay in here for a small infinity if you want"
"I think a couple of hours will be enough, Castle" she rolls her eyes and leans back onto her pillow.
"And she's back" he leans forward and presses his lips to her stomach "mommy can be pretty mean you know that?"
"Don't tell lies to our kid Castle" she pushes him away a little and laughs at the way he drops back onto his side in a dramatic gesture, before she covers her belly with her hands. "Mommy loves you"
She leans back on the mattress then, sighs a little as her body relaxes against the cushions and glances over at Castle, who looks at her in awe.
"Will you read to me?" her eyes are wide with fatigue "just until I fall asleep?"
He nods and reaches for the book on his nightstand. "For however long you want"
AN: Okay so I was meaning to just put this up on tumblr like I usually do with those, but it got slightly longer than expected so I decided to upload it here instead.
Beckett is about six or seven months pregnant and she's feeling sad and emotional and paranoid that everything is going to go wrong and she doesn't want to do anything but lie in bed under the covers. So Castle builds them a fort out of bed sheets and pillows and they hide out all day while Castle reads to her.
This was the original prompt by beinginthedarkesthour and even though the reading to her part was kind of very short I hope it was okay?
Also here are the other pages you can find me on, feel free to say hi or whateverJ
Tumblr: dancingontiptoes
Twitter: AlyssaLucyAnne