In a light of day, he danced through the city, and his eyes searched for the windows, which were bent in. He found them in the dust-filled streets of house he had visited so many times now, the house where he had made so many memories of mixed meanings.
He stands on the doorstep now, and his heart beats a bit stronger and, he thinks, a bit faster than it should. The slim silver key in his hand seems to burn alight, but he knocks instead, for unlocking it would feel as a crime now. And he knows Magnus is home.
He only needs to knock five times with a space of approximately five seconds in between each collision of his knuckles against the hard wood. The door creaks as it opens, and the cat`s eyes are hard before they realize who stands at the door. When they do, they soften into something akin to apathy and Magnus steps aside to let Alec in.
He shuts the door afterwards, and leans against it. Looking expectantly, and Alec feels like he could just curl in on himself. The words he wants to say bubble like acid in his throat.
Magnus speaks, and his eyes never leave Alec.
"What would you be doing here, Alec? Last time we talked, you said that what we had was too much for you."
Alec flinches. He doesn`t mean to, but he does. He wants to explain, but it feels like if he were to try, it would cause something to break. It always feels that way when he so much as thinks about setting something right. He keeps quiet and stands still, and the bubbles in his throat burn.
They stand like that for a while.
Eventually, Magnus sighs and walks over to the yellow leather couch to seat himself. He pats the space next to him. Alec shifts on his feet, as if unsure, then walks over and sits down a bit further than where Magnus had patted.
Silence. They both just stare at the floor.
Alec apologises. He feels as if he has to, though he knows not why. It doesn't change anything, but
Magnus just nods.
Magnus sighs again and whispers "Just talk when you're ready. There`s still time left." and his voice is tight. Magnus is suppressing something in his throat as well.
Alec supposes the words were meant to calm him down, encourage, but his inside tie knots around themselves instead. A deep dread grows inside. Alec suffocates.
They sit there still, and Magnus feels his feet go numb and body fill with the energy to move, but he'll sit through this. He needs to. He keeps quiet and waits. That`s really all he can do. The rest is up to Alec, not him.
They've been sitting like this for about an hour now. Magnus silently loses hope for Alec talking with each minute, and there is an ache spreading in his chest. Blooming black and violet like bruises. His legs and arms are long since numb and he is on the verge of an outburst. His bones crackle with an energy, with a need to scream and angrily demand the answers he is waiting for.
He doesn't move. This is up to Alec.
And Alec doesn't move. The nervousness just doesn't let up, the unease just doesn't let up and he feels as if his throat is raw from the acid. He still can`t speak, still can't explain. He still suffocates.
If he were to explain, then he would be acknowledging this problem. Then he would be acknowledging that this, whatever this tiny piece of refuge is, is worm-ridden like all else Alec has ever known. He can`t. He can`t. He can`t.
He could not.
Alec`s eyes sting now, he feels them water and when he brings up his hand to wipe the moisture Magnus flinches from the sudden movement and that just makes Alec want to break into loud wails a hissed apologies and just run away.
Alec clenches the fabric of his sweater with one hand and his wrist clicks in a loud way and the sound seems to resonate in the utter silence.
Alec could not.
BUt he is losing his control and the knots aren't loosening and he can't help but sob and he can't stop hissing in wails now and his heartbeats are too loud and too hard and he can't calm down, he can't calm down.
He stops sobbing pathetically eventually. Magnis looks coiled tight and Alec sees guilt and remorse and pity in his turned-away face but he can't make sense of it. He is shaking too much. And his heart is banging too loud in his ears, and he still can't talk.
It`s been too long now. Magnus gets up off the couch and his spine realigns. Spots dance in his vision and there is a pressure in his brain but he doesn`t lose balance somehow. His numb limbs hold him up. He doesn't hope for Alec to talk anymore. Magnus knows he won't. Can`t. Whatever.
When the numbness drains after standing still for a moment, he stretches. He can feel the muscles and sinews stretch and bend.
The warlock walks over to the counter, leans over it and watches Alec, tries to understand what exactly the boy wants to say, but all he reads is weak nerves and recent almost-breakdown. Magnus wants to understand. Wants to help, but that little thorn in his head keeps going 'he doesn`t acknowledge what you both have. he doesn`t acknowledge you.' and it`s getting harder and harder to not hear it and his frustration shows in the way he digs his nails into his arms.
Alec shuffles, and Magnus slightly jumps, but Alec is already on his feet and wobbling from the spots in his vision, and there is pain in his face.
For a moment it looks as if Alec is about to topple over and kiss the floor, but he holds on and somewhat straightens.
Doesn`t look Magnus in the eyes.
Alec mumbles, and the warlock almost doesn`t hear it "I`m sorry, I can`t do this. I can`t."
Magnus takes a second to collect himself. HIs second is a second too long though and Alec shrinks.
"Why?" is all the warlock can whisper.
It`s a dumb question, really, but Magnus wants to know. He knows so little about the nature of the issue and he had never liked being kept in the dark, and, quite honestly, he`s not sure how he accepts the fact that Alec does this to him. It`s like a curse inside a blessing and vice versa.
"I-I just can`t tell-" Alec cuts off. Magnus sees frustration in Alec`s eyes. Frustration, helplessness and fear and surrender. It stings.
And then he heads for the door. Alec stands tense by the doorframe and he apologises once again before he yanks the door open with more force than necessary.
"Protège-moi de mes désirs." is the last things he says before he leaves and the door slams louder than life itself.
Magnus` heart swells. He feels helpless as he whispers "let`s make it our symbol and verification to the fact that that, which we want, can destroy us. A condemned punishment for our need for everything." the whisper breaks on the last sentence. Those had been his exact words on the day they had decided to start something, the day that that they had tuggod on each other`s hear and kissed and that song had played.
Magnus sits down on the floor.
He could not help Alec fight his demons. And this, all of it, was draining on Magnus` sanity, slowly and surely.
"Protect me from what I want" he laughs. ANd it`s bitter and poisonous, feels slicked like blades pressed inside his lungs.
"No more than empty words any more, aren`t they?"
Alec barely manages to run down the stairs. His vision blurs. He looks at his hands and he thinks that there might as well blood there. He had just killed something that had been one of the most beautiful things he had known
He feels sick. He gags, and there is screaming somewhere but he can`t tell, he can`t hear it`s all black and he had ruined it he had ruined everything
Because he couldn't even speak.