Disclaimer: I'm just playing in the Glee sandbox. If you recognize it from elsewhere, I don't own it.

FOR IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE

FIVE TIMES BLAINE REPLACED KURT,
AND ONE TIME KURT REPLACED BLAINE

"Hello, you've reached Kurt Hummel's phone. Kurt is currently unavailable due to the fact that his father is unreasonable and has grounded him indefinitely for an innocent mistake involving a broken watch, a dead cell phone, and his boyfriend. For immediate assistance, call Blaine."

ONE
RACHEL

Blaine's phone had been vibrating nonstop all through history class. At first, he thought Kurt had gotten caught in another boring lesson, but then he remembered Kurt's phone had been taken away after their extremely tardy return from the playhouse in Columbus. Kurt's dad had been livid when he had shown up three hours late without calling and holding the hand of the boy who had, just two weeks prior, so kindly requested he talk to his son about gay sex. The whole thing must have looked very suspicious from a parental viewpoint.

Blaine pulled his phone out of his pocket as he left the classroom. He had 8 new text messages, all of them from Rachel. They had spent time some together since the disastrous events surrounding her party, but not enough to warrant a flood of texts in the middle of a school day. After clearing the air with Kurt over the situation, Blaine had realized he'd needed to do the same with Rachel. Since they'd talked it out, they'd mainly gotten coffee with Kurt and talked on the phone about their favorite musicals. Eight texts spelled emergency, and she had better friends to call upon in that situation.

Can you text right now? –Rachel

I guess that you're taking test or in a class that requires participation. –Rachel

Text me during your passing period. –Rachel

Do Dalton and McKinley have different passing periods because you didn't text me. –Rachel

I'll assume our schools are on different schedules and you're not ignoring me because that wouldn't be a very friendly thing to do and you said you wanted to be friends. –Rachel

I need your help after school with song selection and practice. –Rachel

Meet me in the McKinley auditorium at 4:00. –Rachel

I'll assume these plans work for you since you haven't texted back. I'm turning off my phone now. –Rachel

Blaine stopped in the middle of the hall to scroll through Rachel's very long list of texts. The crowd parted to move around him. He couldn't imagine why Rachel wanted him to help with song selection. Whether or not New Directions had already beaten the Warblers at Regionals, they were competition. Rachel might have relaxed enough to spent time with the competition, but they had agreed to never talk about their respective glee clubs except in the general sense that they existed and had rehearsals. He craned his neck to peer over the sea of boys in blazers – not an easy task for Blaine – in the direction of Kurt's last class. He wanted to find his boyfriend and ask what form of insanity must be roiling in New Directions this week for Rachel to come to a Warbler for help.

"Trying to see over the crowd again?" Wes teased.

"Seriously? You're in inch shorter than me, and you're still trying to make height jokes?"

The Head Warbler smiled good-naturedly, threw his arm over Blaine's shoulder, and maneuvered him down the hallway towards the art studio for their last class of the day. It was the only class they had together, and the only class without any other Warblers. Blaine peered over his shoulder, still trying to locate Kurt, but failing.

"How much longer are you denied Kurt's presence?" Wes inquired. "I could always schedule more rehearsals so you can see him more."

Blaine shook his head. He missed spending time with Kurt, but his boyfriend had a long drive home every day after school and adding more Warbler rehearsals to his schedule wouldn't help anything. Best to let Burt see Kurt wallowing around the house instead of imagining what they could get up to before and after practices.

After art class let out, Blaine quickly washed the clay off his hands and raced out to the parking lot to try and catch Kurt before he left. He felt ridiculous acting like the world would end if he didn't see his boyfriend at regular intervals, but he couldn't stop himself. Kurt's SUV was gone from his parking space, however, so Blaine reluctantly climbed into his Mustang and turned left out of the parking lot towards Lima.

Rachel stood at the piano thumbing through sheet music when Blaine joined her on the stage. She had on a blinding combination of colors, which Blaine hadn't been able to stop noticing since Kurt pointed out her penchant for dressing like a rainbow. Her face brightened when she saw him, and she threw her arms around his neck.

"Whoa." He hugged her around the waist just to steady them. "I'm a little confused, Rachel. You've never been this happy to see me."

"Of course I'm excited to see you. You're going to help me pick the song for my next solo, which will undoubtedly lead us to a National championship and finally getting the appreciation at this school that glee club deserves."

"Congratulations on the solo. What other songs are you doing for Nationals? Maybe we can find a theme or at least something complimentary."

"Oh, we haven't actually discussed Nationals at all. I was planning on building a set list around my solo."

He blinked for a moment, trying to work out in his head how she could have a solo if they hadn't even talked about Nationals. She shoved a Sondheim songbook into his hands and waited expectantly for him to make a suggestion.

"Uh … Well, I like "Tonight" from West Side Story. You were born to play Maria."

She preened under the compliment for a little too long. When she finally managed to get her ego back in check, she frowned a little disappointedly at Blaine. Rachel had a way about her that penetrated his skull, and he felt like she could read his every thought.

"You're an amazing performer, Blaine, and you have a stunning voice, but you do have a penchant for the obvious."

He wanted to object and say that the Council selected songs, not him. He had picked out "Candles" for Regionals, which admittedly had probably caused the Warblers to lose, but it was the most unique song the Warblers had ever done. Rachel, however, started clearing away the songbooks and putting them back into a tote bag.

"I should have known this wouldn't work as well, but I thought I'd give it a shot. Don't worry. You didn't waste a whole trip over here. I mentioned in glee today that you would be here, and some of the others want to borrow you too."

She took him by the hand and led him out of the auditorium and through the wending halls of McKinley High. Blaine had been here before when he'd come to help Kurt confront Karofsky. Kurt hadn't given him a tour, however, since jocks abounded during the school day. Instead, they'd had lunch in a quiet corner of the courtyard.

"This is, uh, a nice school?"

Blaine had never been to a public school before. He didn't know if the leaky ceiling tiles and rusty lockers were standard or not. Rachel ignored his attempt at conversation and pulled him into what must be the choir room, judging from the piano and risers. Brittany sat in a plastic chair on the bottom row holding a conversation with no one.

"She's not literally crazy. Normally, her behavior doesn't make sense, but this actually does. She's warming up," Rachel explained. "Brittany, I've finished with Blaine. He's all yours."

TWO
BRITTANY

Rachel spun on her heel and marched out of the choir room, leaving Blaine feeling thoroughly confused. Sometimes the simplest conversation with that girl felt like talking to a hurricane. He smiled placidly at Brittany, who blinked up at him without speaking. He fidgeted a little self-consciously under her steady gaze and smoothed down the front of his Dalton blazer.

"Will you come on Fondue for Two?"

Blaine opened and closed his mouth twice. Kurt had warned him about Brittany's knack for saying incomprehensible things. He'd also said that despite her stripper dancing at Rachel's party, she was actually a sweet girl. Facing her eccentricity in person and alone, he didn't know what to make of it.

"Umm … what?"

"Fondue for Two. It's my Internet talk show."

"Oh! Sure. I'd love to. When do you want me to do it?"

The answer, apparently, was immediately because she took his hand and led him out of the choir room. Blaine had given up trying to figure out these New Directions girls – or was it girls in general? – and just went along with her whenever she was leading him.

"Do you have a car? Can you drive me home?"

"Sure."

He didn't ask what her plan had been if he'd said no to any of her questions because he didn't want to risk getting another crazy response. He kept quiet and showed her to his car.

On the way to her house, Brittany told Blaine about who had come on her talk show before and how excited she was to have him as a guest. She'd wanted him to come on the show for a long time, apparently. The flattery put him in a much more compliant mood, and he didn't even flinch when she led him into her bedroom, sat him down in front of a video camera, and plopped a fat cat onto his lap.

"Are you ready?"

When he nodded, Brittany switched on the camera and gained her seat again. She shook her hair behind her shoulders and smiled at the camera.

"Welcome to Fondue for Two. I'm here today with Kurt Hummel."

Blaine did a double take. Surely he had misheard that or she had misspoken. He quickly realized, however, that she had intended to say "Kurt Hummel" when she started asking questions.

"I hear you have a boyfriend now, Kurt. What can you tell us about Blaine Warbler?"

He glanced uncertainly at the camera and back to Brittany. He wasn't sure how to handle this very, very bizarre situation without hurting the girl's feelings or sounding like a condescending jerk.

"Uh, Brittany? You know I'm not Kurt. I'm Blaine. Blaine Anderson."

"But Kurt said you were Kurt until he's not grounded anymore."

Blaine didn't know how to take that statement. He didn't know Brittany well enough to guess if she'd misunderstood something Kurt said or if she'd made it up entirely. On the one hand, he didn't think Kurt would ever say something quite like that. But on the other, it did shed some light on Rachel's behavior.

"Am I a better kisser than Blaine? I am, aren't I?"

"Okay, Brittany, I'm going to go."

He lifted the fat cat off his lap and cringed at all the cat hair on his uniform pants. The pet meowed disgruntledly at him and lumbered off when his paws hit the floor. Blaine leaned over the fondue pot on the coffee table and switched off the camera.

"No, wait," she called. "I have more questions for you."

"For me or for Kurt? I would love to talk to you for your show, but I can't pretend that I'm Kurt and answer questions for him."

"But I've wanted Kurt to come on my show for ages, and he always says no. I thought since you're replacing Kurt while he's grounded that I could finally have him on the show."

She looked so sad, Blaine would have relented if the whole notion of pretending to be his boyfriend wasn't utterly absurd. He sat back down and patted the hand resting on her knee gently.

"I'm sorry, Brittany. How about I talk to Kurt and let him know how much you want him to come on Fondue for Two? Maybe he'll say yes."

"Thank you. You're so sweet, Blaine. I'll text Mike and let him know you're free now."

While Brittany typed on her phone, Blaine sagged in his chair. Talking to her was an exhausting experience. He wondered what Mike had in mind, because Blaine didn't remember Kurt ever indicating he was close friends with the dancer. Mike had always been kind to Kurt and stood up for him against Karofsky, though, so Blaine was happy to get to know him better.

THREE
MIKE

Brittany gave Blaine directions to Mike Chang's house, which he didn't trust so he verified the address via text message with Mike. Ten minutes later, he pulled up in front of a nice two-story blue house with a manicured lawn and neat flowerbeds. A petite Asian woman in a business suit answered the door when he knocked.

"Hello, Mrs. Chang, I'm Blaine Anderson. I'm a friend of Mike's."

She took in his Dalton uniform before smiling, stepping back, and showing him into the house. The inside looked as immaculate as the front yard. Mike bounded into the foyer from a set of stairs descending into the basement.

"Hey, Blaine. Thanks for coming. Mom, this is Blaine. He's Asian."

Blaine did a double take. Among his circle of friends, ethnicity was not a common trivia tidbit given to parents upon first meeting them. Usually, Blaine's friends introduced him as a fellow Warbler. He also wondered why Kurt would have told Mike about his ethnicity anyway. Mrs. Chang seemed very happy when Mike led the way down into the basement.

"It's nice of you to fill in for Kurt while he's grounded," Mike commented.

"Yeah … I didn't really agree to that, though."

The dancer looked up sharply from the iPod he'd been scrolling through. His kind face fell into a concerned frown, and his thumb stilled on the click wheel.

"Oh. Rachel said that she called Kurt's phone to ask him something, but it went straight to voicemail and said you would be filling in for him while he's grounded. I wouldn't have told Brittany to send you over here if I'd known."

"No, no. It's okay, Mike. I don't mind … uh, doing whatever it is you normally do with Kurt. I just didn't realize I was replacing him."

"I dance with Kurt. None of the other guys in New Directions are good enough to test out my choreography with. But you don't have to, if you don't want."

Blaine grinned at the other boy. He definitely understood why everyone liked Mike Chang. He didn't really come across like any of the pushy, opinionated members of New Directions. Blaine removed his blazer and loosened his tie, which Mike interpreted correctly and went back to scrolling through his iPod playlist.

"I have to warn you, I'm not the best dancer, but you probably know that from Warbler performances."

"Nah. You're not bad, just a little stiff. Once you loosen up, you're actually pretty good. I've been dying to choreograph to this song since I first heard it. I don't know if Mr. Schue will ever let us do it, but there's always a chance."

Mike pressed the play button and "Barbra Streisand" by Duck Sauce began thumping out of the speakers. Blaine laughed because he could just imagine the look of horror on any glee club director's face if this song were suggested. Blaine followed Mike into the center of a cleared space in the basement. Three mirrors mounted on the wall reflected their moves back to them.

"Follow my lead."

Blaine mimicked Mike's dance moves, though he clearly lagged behind significantly in talent. Kurt had a great sense of rhythm and would be able to do these moves without trouble. Never mind the difficult dance moves, Blaine struggled against gravity. Mike had the patience of a saint, however, and rewound the track again and again as he taught Blaine the dance moves.

"See, you're doing fine. You just need to warm-up, and then you're pretty good. Don't the Warblers ever do freestyle dancing?" Mike asked over the pumping music.

Blaine nodded. "Some of the guys, like Jeff, are pretty acrobatic. I normally just climb on furniture, though."

Mike's whole face lit up, and he gestured frantically around the basement where a couch, two armchairs, and a pile of what looked like an old desk and coffee table lined the walls. Blaine laughed as the dancer dashed away and started jumping on the furniture. He couldn't resist the urge to climb onto the back of a couch, so he indulged.

"Barbra Streisand!" they scream-sang over the music for the final time.

When the song cut off, Mike collapsed onto the sofa breathing hard. Blaine wiped the sweat off his forehead and plopped down next to him. That almost felt like dancing around the Dalton choir room with the Warblers.

"I'd offer to have you stay for dinner, but Tina called dibs. She's meeting you at Breadstix in twenty minutes."

"So I'm having dinner with your girlfriend? Why aren't you joining us?"

Mike shrugged. "She told me I couldn't. I don't really argue when it comes to her alone time with Kurt."

FOUR
TINA

Blaine said good-bye to Mike and Mrs. Chang at ten to six and drove across Lima to New Direction's favorite restaurant. He didn't know what kind of car Tina drove, if she drove at all, so he went inside to look for her. She waved him over from the usual row of booths where Blaine and Kurt always sat. She slid out of the booth to hug him tightly.

"Thanks for coming. I wasn't sure if Mercedes would try to be sneaky and steal you. We had a disagreement over which one of us got you for dinner."

He grinned a little at that. "Two girls fighting over me is not something I ever thought would happen."

Blaine hadn't spent a lot of time around Tina. Well, not sober anyway, but she had a way about her that immediately put him at ease, despite what Kurt called her "lady demon" wardrobe. He could see why Mike and Tina were together, aside from being Asian, which seemed very important to Mike.

"So is this like a tradition for you and Kurt?"

"Dinner at Breadstix? No. Usually we go for retail therapy if we need to talk. Kurt makes me try on Vera Wang dresses; I force him into Hot Topic. It's very cathartic for both of us. But Mercedes had plans to go shopping tonight, and like I said, I can't risk her stealing you. This is too important."

He frowned. This didn't sound like Rachel and Brittany's pointless, if amusing, activities or just having fun with Mike. They ordered quickly when their waitress came over to the table, and then Blaine focused his attention back on Tina.

"So what's going on?"

The girl took a deep breath. "It's Mike."

Blaine sensed they were in dangerous territory here. Kurt, maybe, could handle dishing out good heterosexual relationship advice because he'd learned by observing New Directions, but Blaine had never dated a girl and went to an all boys' school. He hardly saw his friends' girlfriends, much less took any note of their relationships unless one ended or a new one began.

"Uh … Tina, are you sure you want to talk to me about this? I mean, I'd love to help, but we don't know each other that well."

Plus, he'd just had a blast with Mike and wanted to suggest doing it again. He didn't want to hear anything that would taint that potential friendship. He knew Kurt had a loyalty to his girl friends, but Blaine preferred hanging out with guys.

"Oh. Not if it makes you uncomfortable."

"It's not that. Well, not just that. I know Kurt has an intense relationship with his girls." She beamed at the description. "He's comfortable with sleepovers and girl talk and stuff. I'm not exactly like that. I like some of that, but I also like football and video games. I hang out with guys."

"So you're saying that you're the guy in the relationship."

This did not seem to please Tina at all. She cocked an eyebrow and scowled at him.

"There are two guys in the relationship, so, yes, I am one of them. I'm saying that I can talk about fashion and musicals with you for hours. But I don't know how good I am at girl talk. All of my friends are guys, and I just had a really great time with Mike. I think the guy code prevents me from talking about him to his girlfriend."

Her face shifted into an expression of surprise. "Blaine Warbler, do you have a crush on my boyfriend?"

Blaine choked on his soda. "No! I – No!"

"Oh. Okay. Why not? Mike is hot."

"Because I'm in love with Kurt."

Tina's eyes snapped up to meet his, and Blaine sucked in a deep breath. He could practically see the oncoming squeals building up in her throat as she fidgeted around in the booth and smiled widely at his frozen expression.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" she shrieked, clapping wildly.

"Tina, please don't say anything," Blaine pleaded once his brain started working again. "I haven't told Kurt yet. Please? I want it to be a special occasion when I tell him. I don't want to just blurt it out."

"Of course not!" she readily agreed. "So when are you going to do it?"

He played with his straw to stall, and then sighed miserably. "I … I don't know. I don't even know if I should. It's probably too soon. And what if he doesn't feel the same? I – I don't think I could take that, knowing Kurt doesn't love me too."

Tina reached across the table and seized his hands. He looked up at her with tortured eyes and took in her soft smile and compassionate expression.

"You and Kurt have known each other long enough. Anyway, there's not a timeline for falling in love. Also. Best girl talk ever. You are a natural, Blaine Warbler."

Blaine grinned. "Thanks, Tina. Wow. I guess I needed this as much as you did. I can't talk about this stuff with Wes or David."

"Anytime."

FIVE
SAM

Blaine's cell phone beeped shortly before dinner ended. He checked the text.

Has anyone told you to meet Sam in the Lima Heights Park at 7:00? –Quinn

No, but I'll be there. –Blaine

He said good-bye to Tina in the parking lot and climbed into his car. As he navigated his way through the gradually worsening streets of Lima, Blaine pondered two things. Firstly, how a girl as shy as Tina had managed to wrest a secret as major as loving Kurt from him. Secondly, how a former prep school boy like Sam ended up living in this neighborhood. He was also a little concerned about how long Kurt's friends were going to keep him in Lima. He still had a long drive back to Westerville and his own homework to finish.

Blaine climbed out of the car in the parking lot and headed across the wide lawn to the swing sets. He saw two blond-haired kids challenging each other to swing higher and higher until the swing chain slacked. On a picnic table nearby, Blaine spotted Sam hunched over a textbook and scribbling in a notebook.

When his shadow fell across the tabletop, Sam looked up. The blond boy's brow furrowed, and unless Blaine was mistaken, he looked decidedly uncomfortable.

"Uh. Hi, Blaine. What are you doing here?"

Blaine cocked an eyebrow. "Quinn told me to come meet you here?"

"Oh. Right. You're replacing Kurt while he's grounded. Uh. Kurt's been tutoring me in American Lit? I'm dyslexic, so it's kind of hard for me. You don't have to though. I'll make it through my assignment."

"No, it's fine. I've done much stranger things today than talk about dead writers while hanging out at a park. What story are you reading?"

Blaine accepted the book of Nathaniel Hawthorne's short stories and flipped to the page Sam had dog-eared. Not surprisingly, Dalton curriculum had covered this story earlier in the year and probably in much more depth than Sam's teacher would require.

"Okay. "The Maypole of Merry Mount" is basically Hawthorne ranting about various kinds of extremism, both Puritanical deprivation and hedonistic debauchery, namely sexual, since the maypole is one of the most ancient phallic symbols in Western civilization."

"Wow. I have no idea what you just said."

Sam laughed lightly, and Blaine joined in. He tried again with a simpler explanation. Sam caught on quickly enough when someone told him the plot of the story. He made all the right connections between the story and classical literature, and he clearly knew his American history well.

"Thanks, Blaine. That was so much easier just hearing it out loud."

"No problem. Kurt's much better at literature than I am. I hope I did his tutoring justice."

Sam called to his brother and sister, telling them it was time to head home. Blaine checked his watch and saw they'd been at Sam's homework for nearly an hour. The sun had already dipped low in the sky casting everything in pale orange light.

"So how long have you and Kurt been studying together?" Blaine asked conversationally.

"A little while now. I don't know if you remember, but I delivered a pizza to Dalton one night and hung around for a little while to talk to Kurt?"

Blaine did remember. He also remembered Nick asking him if Sam and Kurt were dating. At the time, he'd said no and let the matter drop, but now the whole situation took on a new light for Blaine. He worked hard to tramp down the beginnings of jealousy. Sam was attractive, masculine, and a bottle blond and that spelled trouble.

"Anyway, we've been talking a lot more since then. My family is sort of … going through something right now, and he's one of the only people I've told. The only other person who knows is my ex-girlfriend, and I don't really feel like talking to her about it much, you know?"

Sam ducked his head and scratched awkwardly at the back of his neck. Blaine nodded, because that was Kurt, always willing to take care of others. Behind the snarky fashionista was a boy who cared so much about other people, and with that thought Blaine's jealousy faded away.

They said their farewells at Blaine's car and went their separate ways, Blaine heading to the highway and Sam walking home with his siblings.

ONE
WARBLERS

Kurt rushed into the choir room just as the buzzer sounded indicating the start of the next class period. He slipped his messenger bag off his shoulder and took his usual spot on the couch next to Blaine. They shared a smile and quick squeeze of the hand before Wes called the Warblers meeting to order with a bang of the gavel.

"Let's continue rehearsing for our performance at the Shady Brooks Retirement Center coming up this Saturday," the Head Warbler suggested.

As one, the Warblers stood and pushed their sofas and armchairs to the walls to give themselves a nice, wide space to dance in formation. Kurt noticed Blaine wincing a little as his muscles strained to shove his end of the loveseat. He placed a concerned hand on his boyfriend's shoulder and was about to ask if he was all right, but Wes grabbed Blaine's arm and hauled him to the front of the room.

"We're starting with "Last Friday Night." And one … two … three … four."

Kurt and the rest of the Warblers began singing their various parts to create the background music for Blaine's solo while they did the familiar step-step-turn, but they'd really gone all out with this choreography and added in a hop too. The ridiculous dancing and the inappropriate song choice for their elderly audience put a show smile on Kurt's face.

His smile slipped when Blaine stumbled over apparently nothing, and he broke formation to catch his boyfriend before he fell.

"Stop!" Wes called, irritation lacing his voice.

"Are you okay?" Kurt asked.

Blaine winced again and rubbed at his thigh. "Yeah. Just a little sore."

Kurt's brow arched so dramatically his eyebrows disappeared into his bangs. Blaine caught the look and rushed to explain him.

"I was dancing all over furniture in Mike Chang's basement yesterday."

Kurt bit his lip hard to avoid cracking up. Kurt, who knew both Blaine and Mike and had heard through the grapevine that his snarky voicemail message had been taken far too literally, took the statement for what it was, but he heard several Warblers snickering at all the double entendres in that statement.

"Maybe we should leave this song for now?" Kurt asked, gazing over at Wes.

The Council retreated a few steps to whisper among themselves, and Kurt took the opportunity to help Blaine over to an abandoned armchair. He sank down onto the leather with a groan, and Kurt stifled a giggle.

"So, overall, how did replacing me go?" Kurt wondered.

"All I can say is that you have a very bizarre life in Lima."

Wes appeared in front of the boyfriends with a concerned frown marring his face. That was kind of default for Warblers' rehearsal, so neither Kurt nor Blaine took it too seriously.

"The Council agrees that our other songs are more polished, and we need to continue with "Last Friday Night." But since our soloist is hobbling around like an old man …. I'm sorry, Blaine. Kurt, we'd like you take the solo."

Kurt stared. Katy Perry songs were sacred to Blaine. Plus, given his new generous nature when it came to the spotlight, it was his only solo for their nursing home performance. Kurt was already singing solo on "I Do." That would make him the featured performer. He couldn't deny he'd always longed to be the star and of knocking Rachel down a notch, but he didn't know how he felt about replacing Blaine.

"It's okay," Blaine said, taking Kurt's hand. He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "If Rachel Berry can survive a competition without a solo, I can make it through one set at a nursing home."

Blaine struggled to stand up without wincing, and a few of the more capricious Warblers took great delight in pretending to have hunched backs and in need of canes to stay upright. Blaine took Kurt's vacated spot in the formation and scowled at them. Kurt hovered out front, throwing a nervous glance over his shoulder as Wes counted off the beat again.

His unease vanished with the first few notes, but the show smile remained as his secret joke. The Warblers might lack showbiz panache, but they had amazing taste in lead soloists.