First Frontiers fan fiction from me, which is kind of odd seeing as how
I've only watched but a few digimon frontier episodes, and most of them not
in a chronological order. But alas, I became an instant Kouzumi fan and
decided to write a fic which is what I'm finally going to do! (After such a
long stage of planning and too much laziness.) Also, seeing as how I
haven't seen many episodes, I might be writing things that are partially or
totally wrong and may make up some things that are probably not true, but
pretty essential to this plot. Ok, enough rambling, let the fic begin!
__________
(Izumi's pov)
Saturday. Great. Normally, I would be excited, no, scratch that, I'd be beyond excited, for today, Saturday, is the day that our class is going to the mountains to ski. I love skiing, it's in my blood, my mother, my father, my grandfather, my grandmother, and even my great great great aunt was a skier! I learned to ski when I was 8, and in Italy, it can't be any more fun!
But, if you couldn't tell from before, I am not at all happy to be here, standing in the middle of the bus, which is about to depart for those great white snowy mountain tops, and do you know why? Why I am so unhappy is because normally I'd have friends to sit next to on the bus, normally my friends would save me a seat, and NORMALLY, I wouldn't be standing in the middle of the bus like a fool because my so called friends hate me again!
Geez, stupid Hiroko, I don't even like Takuya in that way, I just happened to be his friend who went through a crazy epic adventure with him and a few eccentric others, turning into digimon and saving the whole damn planet in the process four years ago, heaven forbid that we still be friends when we go to the same school. And then everyone else ditches me because they think I was trying to take "her man", I mean, ew, Takuya is like my brother! And speaking of Takuya, stupid oblivious Takuya! Sitting next to Hiroko like a dimwit while she gives your FRIEND catty looks and crude gestures. You'd think he'd save me a seat next to or even near him seeing as we *are* friends and all.
I sigh loudly. Its times like these that I wish Junpei was in our grade, he was always so funny and was always so nice, I bet he would help me if I were standing right in front of him looking frantically for a seat, but Mr. Magician is currently stuck in school.
I miss those digimon days... I hardly even see Tomoki anymore because of the grade gap, I miss him too. At least I get to see the others occasionally, whether I am utterly annoyed at them or not, but Tomoki was like a little brother to every one of us.
Oh no, the teacher is finally coming into the bus after meeting with the other teachers and here I am, still without a seat. Quickly, I scan all the faces of the crowd, my so called friends glaring at me, Hiroko smiling in victory, of what I really don't want to know, Takuya with his usual clueless expression, I should really stop picking on him though, people I don't know, people I don't like, it seems as if there are no seats left and everyone in the world is against me!
"You better hurry up and sit down."
I know that voice...
Quickly, I turn to my left to see Minamoto, Kouji, staring out the window, with an empty seat next to him. I'm positive it was his voice, but then again, he must have changed quite a bit since those ole digimon days. After only a few days from coming back from the digimon world, he suddenly disappeared, moved to somewhere else. Then, just last year, he moved back, but he wouldn't speak to anyone, not even to us, and it hurt... It still hurts, we were friends weren't we?
But back to the point, if he did in fact say it, which I'm almost certain he did, then did he mean to sit down next to him, or to find a seat elsewhere?
"You're holding up the line."
Startled, I turned to look at him again, though he was staring behind me. Glancing back for myself, I did in fact see a line of people looking quite annoyed at me. Without thinking, I quickly sat down next to Kouji and watched all the other people move along to find seats. Had I been thinking, I would have known that there had to be more seats for there were people behind me waiting to get to them, however, I wasn't thinking and ended up glancing back at Kouji who had once again taken to stare out the window. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and concentrated on him.
He was different, so different, yet the same altogether, he was the boy who had declined our offer to help him in the digital world 4 years previous. His raven hair was still long and tied into a pony tail, and his eyes, which I could see by glancing at his reflection in the mirror, were hard, cold, and emotionless, exactly like the aloof boy who thought that he had to depend on himself only. He seemed taller, though I couldn't really gauge his height as we were sitting down, and also seemed to be leaner, not scrawny as he once had been. I suppose he continued with his kendo lessons and such.
I wonder why he became like this. What forced him back into that shell of isolation again?
"Are you quite done staring at me now?"
I blinked slowly, as if awakening from a dream. I might have flushed from embarrassment if he was still looking out the window, but he was actually facing me. His eyes were much more beautiful in person than in the window's reflection, a mix of turquoise and different hues of blue, but I was also faced with eyes that held a sickening emptiness. Eyes that once would shine full of happiness and laughter, reduced to this. My own began to tear up I think, glassy and slightly red. I wanted to look away, to hide my tears, but seeing him like this and remembering how he used to be, I couldn't. Silent tears pricked almost angrily at my eyes, waiting to fall freely as he stared back at me. He began to look uncomfortable it seemed, as my tears began to fall without stop, because he turned back to his window with a growl. This act really should've stopped my tears, I didn't have to face his eyes again, but they only fell harder.
...I think I cried silently amidst the crowds of happily chattering students on the bus for the rest of the ride there. Even with my head in my lap, all I could see were those hauntingly cold yet beautiful blue eyes.
__________
When we arrived there, my head hurt from all that crying and my eyes were probably puffy and red. I made a mad dash to get out of the bus so that I would not have to look and Kouji again. I don't think I had anymore tears left, but if I saw him, I think my eyes would find a way.
The teachers gave us our assigned rooms, though we had chosen our roommates weeks ago, when I was still on speaking terms with Hiroko and her friends. So I trudged quite sullenly behind them and the teacher leading us to our room. I kept my head down but I think they noticed my puffy eyes. I could feel them smirking at me, as if they had made me cry. Little did they know...
We were ushered into the room and two people were given the responsibility to keep the key. Naturally, Hiroko and her best friend took it. I won't be able to get inside the for a while I suppose.
"Meet downstairs in the lounge in about 1 hour, okay girls? We'll have at least a few hours to get some skiing in!"
The prospect of skiing cheered me up some as I placed my thing on the bed closest to the door, the bed farthest from the others. The teacher paused at the door before heading out, giving me an odd look, sympathy I think it was.
"Here." She said lowly, slipping another key into my hands, "I think it would be best to give you a copy as well." She gave me a wink and left the room, her brownish red hair bouncing off after her. I hid a smile and tucked the key carefully into my pocket. Mrs. Ishida is really a nice person.
__________
Dressed in a thick wool hat, a thick wool sweater, a ski vest, and ski pants, and those ski boot things, I walked down the hall to the lounge earlier than the others so that I wouldn't have to walk with them. I trudged along quite slowly as I was holding my own skis and poles. I did say that my family were all practically skiers right? So that's why I had my own.
The lounge was quaint and charming, with polished wooden floors and antique looking rugs, different knick knacks and assorted ornaments hung merrily across the walls and in front of a very old fashioned hearth. I inhaled luxuriously, enjoying the smell of pine and cedar here. I felt so relaxed and much happier than I had been the entire day.
Sooner or later, the people from my grade began to congregate in a large group in the center of the lounge. Everyone either listened intently to the instructions of the teachers or talked amongst themselves. I was somewhere in between, except that Takuya was the one that tried to talk to me before getting dragged off by Hiroko, eyes smoldering. I guess I can appreciate the effort, but I couldn't help but feel depressed once again.
"Only go on the bigger slopes after you're certain you can handle it or you are already aware of how to ski. Please take much precaution as you ski, we do not want to have any serious accidents like last year." The teacher said sternly, I stopped listening at this point, becoming overpowered by the ecstasy the prospect of skiing brought.
The teacher dismissed us to go and I hurried off towards the front of the group in order to get to the ski lifts first. Once outside, everyone began putting on their skis and plowing off towards the slopes, most of them, beginners, to the bunny slope. There was no way I would be caught dead there, it was extremely boring, I wanted a challenge. So off to the advance slope I went, though, as fast as I was, someone beat me there.
Kouji Minamoto.
I blinked hoping I was wrong, but he was there, sitting with his arms behind his head, waiting for the lift to start. The man controlling it motioned for me to get on quickly, which I wished he hadn't. I think both of us would rather go alone, but deciding to appease the man, I sat gingerly next to Kouji. The lift began to move and I forced myself to look anywhere but at Kouji for fear that I would either A) not be able to turn away, B) start crying, or C) all of the above.
When the lift stopped, I rushed off with relief and made my way towards the top of the slopes. Without waiting to see if Kouji was anywhere near me, I pushed off. I felt the fierce exhilaration of the biting cold wind sweeping across my face, making it rosy I bet, and laughed heartily. The wind blocked out all my senses but I didn't care, I was so happy, so carefree.
That was before halfway down the slope I heard something louder than the wind and I turned around, squinting, and gasped. A barrage of snow was cascading, cascading is too nice of a word, a barrage of snow was barreling towards me at an immensely fast pace. Now, it must be very odd to be thinking of this when I should really be concentrating on getting the hell away from here but when in panic, thinking is the only thing I really can do.
It seemed like slow motion then, when none other than Kouji came sweeping across the slopes, took hold of my waist, and sped along the slopes towards what looked like one of those wooden ramps the champion skiers use. Upon closer inspection, it was really a rocky ledge, with a cave on the inside. Really, Kouji has quite the eyesight to see this from way over there.
We ducked into, or rather; Kouji pulled me into the cave with him, where the snow finally caught up with us and ricocheted off the ledge, keeping us out of harms way. The cave floor was damp and hard, I noticed with a grimace, as our landing into the cave was quite rough. I also noticed that Kouji's hand was still on my waist when we fell too, for he grunted in pain when we had landed. Really! I can't be that heavy to the big bad wolf can I?
Big bad wolf... I used to always call him that in the digi world... The big bad wolf of light...
I wish I could have pressed harder against his hand just to spite him but I thought better of it and rolled away to my other side. I mean, he did lead me to safety, the least I can do is get off of his hand. After a moment of lying in silence, I heaved myself up into a sitting position and groaned, my skis were broken and battered and I only had 1 pole. My mom was going to freak.
Looking over to Kouji for the first time since we had landed, I noticed he was removing his own skis from his feet. I began to do the same, and after I finished, I carefully put them aside and stretched my legs. I longed desperately to take of those annoyingly heavy boots, but my feet would freeze otherwise I suppose. I stared at the cave walls listlessly while also listening to the torrent of snow still pounding off the ledge above this cave; it was as if the entire mountain decided to follow us down here.
I heard the clash of wood upon wood and turned from the tall cave wall I was facing to Kouji, who was trying valiantly to start a fire with his ski poles. Startled, I spoke to him for the first time this entire trip, "You're making a fire?"
He didn't look at me but I heard the snort of annoyance there. Well, I guess I was being quite obvious, but why would he make a fire unless...
I screamed. He winced.
We were trapped in the cave, the snow acting as a 4th wall to this cozy little cavern. I suppose it really was only a matter of time before this happened, but I had been under the impression that after the avalanche had stopped, which it hadn't yet, the entrance would be clear and we could ski down peacefully.
"Can I help...?" I asked after a while, wanting to do something to keep my mind off the frozen Kouji and Izumi bodies found by the school the next morning. I shuddered involuntarily, but not only because of the mental image. It was then that I realized that my wool sweater was soaking wet, and while wool was very warm when dry, it did nothing but keep you cold when wet. I shivered again and tried to wring the water out of it.
"Give me your skis and poles."
I blinked and nodded while dragging those aforementioned items towards the pile oh the ground. I couldn't help but shiver from the cold again as I made my way back towards my faithful wall when he suddenly added, "And take off your sweater."
"WHAT?!?" I screamed at him, flushing greatly. I'd known Kouji must've changed, but I never thought he'd become a pervert!
He rolled his eyes at me, the nerve, and responded as if I were daft, "You're obviously cold and that wet sweater won't do much for you." As he said this, the poles finally ignited a small spark and soon a tiny fire was started among the wooden skis and poles, which illuminated his face.
"I don't think having only my vest on would be much better." I responded in a bit of a shrill voice, still in shock about his telling me to take off my sweater so plainly.
In an instant, his navy blue weatherproof jacket was thrown across the fire at me, which was quite dangerous, but it didn't catch on fire. Taking the jacket in my arms I was suddenly hit with sweet nostalgia of the young Kouji handing me his jacket on that makeshift raft after I said I was chilly. Some things never change I guess.
"Thank you." I said softly to him, but he was looking away from me, probably so I could change. I smiled at him before stripping off my vest and soggy sweater and hurriedly zipping up the jacket before I was attacked by the bitterly cold wind. It was a lot thicker than it looked and held such warmth, part of it may have been due to the fact that it seemed twice my size, but I am exaggerating slightly of course.
"Uhm! Won't you be cold?" I asked him, a sign that it was okay to turn back around.
"I'm fine, I have a dry sweater."
His answers were always so short I thought I'd blow my brains out. Of course, that was before I realized I was doing the same to him. I guess I was nervous and frightened at the prospect of being alone with a person I once knew, but didn't anymore. He said nothing else and I sighed while I began to wring out my sweater, hopefully it would dry so I could give the jacket back to him... though I believe part of me wanted to keep this warmth as long as I could.
"Come closer to the fire."
I almost yelped. He really has to stop speaking like that all of a sudden! But I complied since I was still a bit cold, even under the huge jacket. We spent a long time in silence, neither one of us having anything to say or wishing to speak. I think I was about to doze off once in a while but Kouji coughed loudly to wake me up. Thank goodness for it too, because if you fell asleep here, you might never wake up again.
__________
"I wonder when they'll come for us." I broke the silence that was beginning to unnerve me.
"Eventually I suppose."
Silence...
"Uhm, so you must be a good skier, otherwise you wouldn't have been on these slopes!" To save me I added silently to myself.
"Yeah."
Silence...
I gave up after other fruitless conversation starters and became immersed in staring at the bright orange flames licking at each other. My eyes, as if in a trance, traveled upwards to Kouji's face. He was, as I had been, staring at the flames, maybe hoping to get out of here sometime soon. For the longest time, I was trying not to look into his eyes directly as I had done on that bus, but I couldn't stop myself, and tears began to form again. His eyes looked so empty, like there was a wall hiding the torrent of emotion that must be going through them. Feeling my eyes on his, I guess, he looked up and saw that I was going to cry again.
"Why are you always crying every time you look at me?"
I couldn't say anything again, there were too many tears. He sighed and looked away from me, which forced me to try and speak, "...What happened?" I finally choked out.
"What?"
"Why did you move? What made you ignore everyone when you moved back? Why didn't you speak to us, me, Tomoki, Takuya, and Junpei? Why? What happened to make you change so?" It came out in quite a babble, but at least I spoke more than 1 sentence this time.
"Change from what?"
"From what you used to be Kouji, Ha...happy."
"And who says I'm not happy right now?"
"Not who..." I hesitated, "What. Your eyes. Every time I look into your eyes I don't see the eyes of the brave boy that fought alongside us in the digital world. I don't see the eyes that were always bright and filled with an inner light of compassion and friendship. I see the eyes of the lost boy that didn't want to join us, the boy who thought he was better off on his own. I don't see Kouji Minamoto."
"Maybe you never saw me!" He snapped back. He was cracking, he was becoming normal again, and he was showing emotion, anger maybe, but emotion nonetheless. I wanted to-needed to see if I could bring back the boy we, Takuya, Junpei, Tomoki, and I, once knew. To see why he had turned away from us as he did.
"Maybe..." I echoed him, voice falling to a whisper, "Maybe I never did... but I'd like to believe that's not true, I'd like to believe that I really did know the real you once."
I finally had enough self control to look away while the tears streamed constantly down my face. I so longed for the protection of my faithful wall over on the other side of the cave, but alas, the fire's warmth was here.
"Maybe..." I jumped and would have glared at Kouji if I weren't crying. He really really had to stop doing that!
He was staring at the fire, his head bent so that a shadow fell over his eyes. "Maybe it's true... Maybe you did know me once." My heart leapt in my throat, I heard slight confusion in his voice...
"Maybe I'm like this because I don't know who I am right now..."
Apprehensive words lingering in his speech...
"...Why?" It was so hard to talk when I was filled to bursting with emotion.
Slowly, almost painfully, Kouji brought his head up to face mine. "Maybe it's because I lost something so dear to me after having just found it." His eyes were still empty and dry despite the flickers of emotion I thought I saw there. I was half aware that this was the first time Kouji had spoken more than a sentence fragment to me the entire time he had been back, but the rest of my attention was concentrated solely on his story.
"And maybe the unfairness of it all was throbbing in my head so much that I lost all sense of reality, that I lost sense of myself, my true self..."
I heard the definite anger in there, the rage built up for who knows how long.
"It's funny actually..." His voice had become so dry and emotionless so suddenly that the abrupt change startled me out of my wits.
"I had gone through my entire life not realizing that I had an older brother... And then I find him in the digital world as an enemy, until we showed him the light." My throat constricted and my heart pounded heavily against my chest.
"We save the digital world with more or less a few scratches, not even the most powerful digimon could defeat us as long as we all were a team." He broke off sharply; his emotionless voice had begun to waver and finally cracked. He knew I had heard it so he continued, as if he couldn't stop until he was finished.
"And then do you know what happens?" His voice was full of dry cynicism and I winced. "He goes and gets run over by a car! A small tiny car! Not even a truck!" He was laughing hard now, though this laughter was far from joy and only sounded hollow and painful.
"He can survive the wrath of a thousand angry digimon out for his blood and yet he can't survive a stupid car!" His laughter sounded hard and coarse now, almost insane like. His burning eyes began to extinguish themselves and his emotionless eyes and hollow laughter were all that remained. This bitter sight made my tears run even harder and I quickly tried to stifle them in Kouji's long coat sleeves.
"And you... I still don't understand you. You continue to cry for me when I've done nothing worthy of your tears." I looked up at him across the burning flames and, as if entranced, I walked around it and sat down in front of him. I stared at him, completely bewildered at what he just said, until I caught a glimpse of his eyes. My heart leapt in my throat, I saw it! Just a tiny flicker, but I saw it!
And suddenly, my heart went out to him as well as my arms and I embraced him, letting his head rest upon my shoulders. "It's okay to mourn Kouji." I whispered to him, leaning my own head against his shoulder. He muttered curses, tried to push off my embrace, tried to hide himself inside of an empty shell again, but I wouldn't let go. He was shaking violently now, and soft whimpers came from his throat.
"It hurts."
"Mourning was never easy," I whispered to him delicately, "It hurts, but this way is much better than bottling your feelings up inside of you. Crying will relieve your tensions, your frustrations, all your emotions." I didn't have to look in his eyes to know how he felt. I could feel it, the pain that was cracking at his hollow eyes just a moment ago, desperately trying to escape.
"It'll help you find your true self once again, Kouji, because crying shows that you care, that you will never forget him and will always hold you close to your heart. Crying takes courage, great courage that the real Kouji Minamoto possessed." I whispered once more to him.
And then it came, like a flood- a torrent of emotions swirling in every direction, tearing down the walls that he had built around his heart and eyes. He was shaking again and I soothingly patted his back, trying desperately to share in his pain and help him overcome it. I could feel the rivers of tears finally flowing, and to my surprise, it had stopped my own. Kouji was getting better, Kouji was healing, I could feel it... and I was relieved.
He continued to cry silently on my shoulder and I tried with all my heart and soul to comfort him as best I could.
__________
I don't know how long it had been until Kouji's tears finally stopped, but neither of us had moved an inch when it had.
"He knows, you know..." I told him softly, my forehead resting gently against the crane of his neck.
"He knows that you care, that you've always cared, and always will." Slowly, I felt his warmth leave my shoulder and he nodded slowly as he looked at me with his eyes reflecting the dwindling fire. I smiled as I saw him.
The real him.
Kouji Minamoto.
__________
The rest of the ski trip was canceled after they had found us. The teachers had been so angry at how this could have happened, but I know they were all just really worried. If it had not been Kouji and I, who had survival experience in the digital world at our defense, then the school really might have found 2 popsicle students on this trip. I shuddered and mentally scolded myself; I really needed to stop thinking those kinds of thoughts.
Of course, now I found myself in the same position as I had been in the beginning of this foul turned trip, in the middle of the bus seat lanes, staring dejectedly at all the seats surrounding me. Actually, I wasn't completely in the same spot as in the beginning, for my so called friends had taken a liking to me again. Something to the extent that they now thought I liked Kouji and not Takuya. Stupid Hiroko, I would die before sitting next to either her or any of her friends, no longer my friends, I was tired of being treated this way. I groaned as I ignored their waving hands.
"Oi."
I turned around. It was Kouji.
"H... Haa...?" I asked, puzzled.
"You better hurry up and sit down again." Alarmed, I moved a step forwards and watched as Kouji sat next to the window of the seat that used to be towards my left. I stared dumbfounded again at how freakishly similar this was to my previous situation just yesterday afternoon, except for those few key differences.
Turning his eyes lazily towards mine, Kouji remarked, "You're holding up the line again."
My heart flared. I saw it, the smile lurking in the depths of his beautiful eyes. Eyes no longer shrouded by that wall of despair, eyes that shone with distinct inner light that was Minamoto, Kouji.
I smiled as I sat next to him once more. He turned his eyes away from me once again to look out the window. I saw in the window's reflection a hint of a smile that adorned his face. I smiled as well.
We sat in silence, companionable silence, for the entire ride back to the school, neither of us wanting to break it. He didn't want to talk to me; he never even glanced at me once as he stared out the window, seemingly lost in thought, just like our first ride out here. But hey! That was all right with me. At least... this time...
I wasn't crying.
After all... I had no reason to.
__________
Bunni: I guess I probably could have done a lot better, but I was getting tired of this *16* page one shot. Geez... for my first frontiers I guess I could have done a lot worse, ne? ^___^ Ah well, review? Please?
__________
(Izumi's pov)
Saturday. Great. Normally, I would be excited, no, scratch that, I'd be beyond excited, for today, Saturday, is the day that our class is going to the mountains to ski. I love skiing, it's in my blood, my mother, my father, my grandfather, my grandmother, and even my great great great aunt was a skier! I learned to ski when I was 8, and in Italy, it can't be any more fun!
But, if you couldn't tell from before, I am not at all happy to be here, standing in the middle of the bus, which is about to depart for those great white snowy mountain tops, and do you know why? Why I am so unhappy is because normally I'd have friends to sit next to on the bus, normally my friends would save me a seat, and NORMALLY, I wouldn't be standing in the middle of the bus like a fool because my so called friends hate me again!
Geez, stupid Hiroko, I don't even like Takuya in that way, I just happened to be his friend who went through a crazy epic adventure with him and a few eccentric others, turning into digimon and saving the whole damn planet in the process four years ago, heaven forbid that we still be friends when we go to the same school. And then everyone else ditches me because they think I was trying to take "her man", I mean, ew, Takuya is like my brother! And speaking of Takuya, stupid oblivious Takuya! Sitting next to Hiroko like a dimwit while she gives your FRIEND catty looks and crude gestures. You'd think he'd save me a seat next to or even near him seeing as we *are* friends and all.
I sigh loudly. Its times like these that I wish Junpei was in our grade, he was always so funny and was always so nice, I bet he would help me if I were standing right in front of him looking frantically for a seat, but Mr. Magician is currently stuck in school.
I miss those digimon days... I hardly even see Tomoki anymore because of the grade gap, I miss him too. At least I get to see the others occasionally, whether I am utterly annoyed at them or not, but Tomoki was like a little brother to every one of us.
Oh no, the teacher is finally coming into the bus after meeting with the other teachers and here I am, still without a seat. Quickly, I scan all the faces of the crowd, my so called friends glaring at me, Hiroko smiling in victory, of what I really don't want to know, Takuya with his usual clueless expression, I should really stop picking on him though, people I don't know, people I don't like, it seems as if there are no seats left and everyone in the world is against me!
"You better hurry up and sit down."
I know that voice...
Quickly, I turn to my left to see Minamoto, Kouji, staring out the window, with an empty seat next to him. I'm positive it was his voice, but then again, he must have changed quite a bit since those ole digimon days. After only a few days from coming back from the digimon world, he suddenly disappeared, moved to somewhere else. Then, just last year, he moved back, but he wouldn't speak to anyone, not even to us, and it hurt... It still hurts, we were friends weren't we?
But back to the point, if he did in fact say it, which I'm almost certain he did, then did he mean to sit down next to him, or to find a seat elsewhere?
"You're holding up the line."
Startled, I turned to look at him again, though he was staring behind me. Glancing back for myself, I did in fact see a line of people looking quite annoyed at me. Without thinking, I quickly sat down next to Kouji and watched all the other people move along to find seats. Had I been thinking, I would have known that there had to be more seats for there were people behind me waiting to get to them, however, I wasn't thinking and ended up glancing back at Kouji who had once again taken to stare out the window. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and concentrated on him.
He was different, so different, yet the same altogether, he was the boy who had declined our offer to help him in the digital world 4 years previous. His raven hair was still long and tied into a pony tail, and his eyes, which I could see by glancing at his reflection in the mirror, were hard, cold, and emotionless, exactly like the aloof boy who thought that he had to depend on himself only. He seemed taller, though I couldn't really gauge his height as we were sitting down, and also seemed to be leaner, not scrawny as he once had been. I suppose he continued with his kendo lessons and such.
I wonder why he became like this. What forced him back into that shell of isolation again?
"Are you quite done staring at me now?"
I blinked slowly, as if awakening from a dream. I might have flushed from embarrassment if he was still looking out the window, but he was actually facing me. His eyes were much more beautiful in person than in the window's reflection, a mix of turquoise and different hues of blue, but I was also faced with eyes that held a sickening emptiness. Eyes that once would shine full of happiness and laughter, reduced to this. My own began to tear up I think, glassy and slightly red. I wanted to look away, to hide my tears, but seeing him like this and remembering how he used to be, I couldn't. Silent tears pricked almost angrily at my eyes, waiting to fall freely as he stared back at me. He began to look uncomfortable it seemed, as my tears began to fall without stop, because he turned back to his window with a growl. This act really should've stopped my tears, I didn't have to face his eyes again, but they only fell harder.
...I think I cried silently amidst the crowds of happily chattering students on the bus for the rest of the ride there. Even with my head in my lap, all I could see were those hauntingly cold yet beautiful blue eyes.
__________
When we arrived there, my head hurt from all that crying and my eyes were probably puffy and red. I made a mad dash to get out of the bus so that I would not have to look and Kouji again. I don't think I had anymore tears left, but if I saw him, I think my eyes would find a way.
The teachers gave us our assigned rooms, though we had chosen our roommates weeks ago, when I was still on speaking terms with Hiroko and her friends. So I trudged quite sullenly behind them and the teacher leading us to our room. I kept my head down but I think they noticed my puffy eyes. I could feel them smirking at me, as if they had made me cry. Little did they know...
We were ushered into the room and two people were given the responsibility to keep the key. Naturally, Hiroko and her best friend took it. I won't be able to get inside the for a while I suppose.
"Meet downstairs in the lounge in about 1 hour, okay girls? We'll have at least a few hours to get some skiing in!"
The prospect of skiing cheered me up some as I placed my thing on the bed closest to the door, the bed farthest from the others. The teacher paused at the door before heading out, giving me an odd look, sympathy I think it was.
"Here." She said lowly, slipping another key into my hands, "I think it would be best to give you a copy as well." She gave me a wink and left the room, her brownish red hair bouncing off after her. I hid a smile and tucked the key carefully into my pocket. Mrs. Ishida is really a nice person.
__________
Dressed in a thick wool hat, a thick wool sweater, a ski vest, and ski pants, and those ski boot things, I walked down the hall to the lounge earlier than the others so that I wouldn't have to walk with them. I trudged along quite slowly as I was holding my own skis and poles. I did say that my family were all practically skiers right? So that's why I had my own.
The lounge was quaint and charming, with polished wooden floors and antique looking rugs, different knick knacks and assorted ornaments hung merrily across the walls and in front of a very old fashioned hearth. I inhaled luxuriously, enjoying the smell of pine and cedar here. I felt so relaxed and much happier than I had been the entire day.
Sooner or later, the people from my grade began to congregate in a large group in the center of the lounge. Everyone either listened intently to the instructions of the teachers or talked amongst themselves. I was somewhere in between, except that Takuya was the one that tried to talk to me before getting dragged off by Hiroko, eyes smoldering. I guess I can appreciate the effort, but I couldn't help but feel depressed once again.
"Only go on the bigger slopes after you're certain you can handle it or you are already aware of how to ski. Please take much precaution as you ski, we do not want to have any serious accidents like last year." The teacher said sternly, I stopped listening at this point, becoming overpowered by the ecstasy the prospect of skiing brought.
The teacher dismissed us to go and I hurried off towards the front of the group in order to get to the ski lifts first. Once outside, everyone began putting on their skis and plowing off towards the slopes, most of them, beginners, to the bunny slope. There was no way I would be caught dead there, it was extremely boring, I wanted a challenge. So off to the advance slope I went, though, as fast as I was, someone beat me there.
Kouji Minamoto.
I blinked hoping I was wrong, but he was there, sitting with his arms behind his head, waiting for the lift to start. The man controlling it motioned for me to get on quickly, which I wished he hadn't. I think both of us would rather go alone, but deciding to appease the man, I sat gingerly next to Kouji. The lift began to move and I forced myself to look anywhere but at Kouji for fear that I would either A) not be able to turn away, B) start crying, or C) all of the above.
When the lift stopped, I rushed off with relief and made my way towards the top of the slopes. Without waiting to see if Kouji was anywhere near me, I pushed off. I felt the fierce exhilaration of the biting cold wind sweeping across my face, making it rosy I bet, and laughed heartily. The wind blocked out all my senses but I didn't care, I was so happy, so carefree.
That was before halfway down the slope I heard something louder than the wind and I turned around, squinting, and gasped. A barrage of snow was cascading, cascading is too nice of a word, a barrage of snow was barreling towards me at an immensely fast pace. Now, it must be very odd to be thinking of this when I should really be concentrating on getting the hell away from here but when in panic, thinking is the only thing I really can do.
It seemed like slow motion then, when none other than Kouji came sweeping across the slopes, took hold of my waist, and sped along the slopes towards what looked like one of those wooden ramps the champion skiers use. Upon closer inspection, it was really a rocky ledge, with a cave on the inside. Really, Kouji has quite the eyesight to see this from way over there.
We ducked into, or rather; Kouji pulled me into the cave with him, where the snow finally caught up with us and ricocheted off the ledge, keeping us out of harms way. The cave floor was damp and hard, I noticed with a grimace, as our landing into the cave was quite rough. I also noticed that Kouji's hand was still on my waist when we fell too, for he grunted in pain when we had landed. Really! I can't be that heavy to the big bad wolf can I?
Big bad wolf... I used to always call him that in the digi world... The big bad wolf of light...
I wish I could have pressed harder against his hand just to spite him but I thought better of it and rolled away to my other side. I mean, he did lead me to safety, the least I can do is get off of his hand. After a moment of lying in silence, I heaved myself up into a sitting position and groaned, my skis were broken and battered and I only had 1 pole. My mom was going to freak.
Looking over to Kouji for the first time since we had landed, I noticed he was removing his own skis from his feet. I began to do the same, and after I finished, I carefully put them aside and stretched my legs. I longed desperately to take of those annoyingly heavy boots, but my feet would freeze otherwise I suppose. I stared at the cave walls listlessly while also listening to the torrent of snow still pounding off the ledge above this cave; it was as if the entire mountain decided to follow us down here.
I heard the clash of wood upon wood and turned from the tall cave wall I was facing to Kouji, who was trying valiantly to start a fire with his ski poles. Startled, I spoke to him for the first time this entire trip, "You're making a fire?"
He didn't look at me but I heard the snort of annoyance there. Well, I guess I was being quite obvious, but why would he make a fire unless...
I screamed. He winced.
We were trapped in the cave, the snow acting as a 4th wall to this cozy little cavern. I suppose it really was only a matter of time before this happened, but I had been under the impression that after the avalanche had stopped, which it hadn't yet, the entrance would be clear and we could ski down peacefully.
"Can I help...?" I asked after a while, wanting to do something to keep my mind off the frozen Kouji and Izumi bodies found by the school the next morning. I shuddered involuntarily, but not only because of the mental image. It was then that I realized that my wool sweater was soaking wet, and while wool was very warm when dry, it did nothing but keep you cold when wet. I shivered again and tried to wring the water out of it.
"Give me your skis and poles."
I blinked and nodded while dragging those aforementioned items towards the pile oh the ground. I couldn't help but shiver from the cold again as I made my way back towards my faithful wall when he suddenly added, "And take off your sweater."
"WHAT?!?" I screamed at him, flushing greatly. I'd known Kouji must've changed, but I never thought he'd become a pervert!
He rolled his eyes at me, the nerve, and responded as if I were daft, "You're obviously cold and that wet sweater won't do much for you." As he said this, the poles finally ignited a small spark and soon a tiny fire was started among the wooden skis and poles, which illuminated his face.
"I don't think having only my vest on would be much better." I responded in a bit of a shrill voice, still in shock about his telling me to take off my sweater so plainly.
In an instant, his navy blue weatherproof jacket was thrown across the fire at me, which was quite dangerous, but it didn't catch on fire. Taking the jacket in my arms I was suddenly hit with sweet nostalgia of the young Kouji handing me his jacket on that makeshift raft after I said I was chilly. Some things never change I guess.
"Thank you." I said softly to him, but he was looking away from me, probably so I could change. I smiled at him before stripping off my vest and soggy sweater and hurriedly zipping up the jacket before I was attacked by the bitterly cold wind. It was a lot thicker than it looked and held such warmth, part of it may have been due to the fact that it seemed twice my size, but I am exaggerating slightly of course.
"Uhm! Won't you be cold?" I asked him, a sign that it was okay to turn back around.
"I'm fine, I have a dry sweater."
His answers were always so short I thought I'd blow my brains out. Of course, that was before I realized I was doing the same to him. I guess I was nervous and frightened at the prospect of being alone with a person I once knew, but didn't anymore. He said nothing else and I sighed while I began to wring out my sweater, hopefully it would dry so I could give the jacket back to him... though I believe part of me wanted to keep this warmth as long as I could.
"Come closer to the fire."
I almost yelped. He really has to stop speaking like that all of a sudden! But I complied since I was still a bit cold, even under the huge jacket. We spent a long time in silence, neither one of us having anything to say or wishing to speak. I think I was about to doze off once in a while but Kouji coughed loudly to wake me up. Thank goodness for it too, because if you fell asleep here, you might never wake up again.
__________
"I wonder when they'll come for us." I broke the silence that was beginning to unnerve me.
"Eventually I suppose."
Silence...
"Uhm, so you must be a good skier, otherwise you wouldn't have been on these slopes!" To save me I added silently to myself.
"Yeah."
Silence...
I gave up after other fruitless conversation starters and became immersed in staring at the bright orange flames licking at each other. My eyes, as if in a trance, traveled upwards to Kouji's face. He was, as I had been, staring at the flames, maybe hoping to get out of here sometime soon. For the longest time, I was trying not to look into his eyes directly as I had done on that bus, but I couldn't stop myself, and tears began to form again. His eyes looked so empty, like there was a wall hiding the torrent of emotion that must be going through them. Feeling my eyes on his, I guess, he looked up and saw that I was going to cry again.
"Why are you always crying every time you look at me?"
I couldn't say anything again, there were too many tears. He sighed and looked away from me, which forced me to try and speak, "...What happened?" I finally choked out.
"What?"
"Why did you move? What made you ignore everyone when you moved back? Why didn't you speak to us, me, Tomoki, Takuya, and Junpei? Why? What happened to make you change so?" It came out in quite a babble, but at least I spoke more than 1 sentence this time.
"Change from what?"
"From what you used to be Kouji, Ha...happy."
"And who says I'm not happy right now?"
"Not who..." I hesitated, "What. Your eyes. Every time I look into your eyes I don't see the eyes of the brave boy that fought alongside us in the digital world. I don't see the eyes that were always bright and filled with an inner light of compassion and friendship. I see the eyes of the lost boy that didn't want to join us, the boy who thought he was better off on his own. I don't see Kouji Minamoto."
"Maybe you never saw me!" He snapped back. He was cracking, he was becoming normal again, and he was showing emotion, anger maybe, but emotion nonetheless. I wanted to-needed to see if I could bring back the boy we, Takuya, Junpei, Tomoki, and I, once knew. To see why he had turned away from us as he did.
"Maybe..." I echoed him, voice falling to a whisper, "Maybe I never did... but I'd like to believe that's not true, I'd like to believe that I really did know the real you once."
I finally had enough self control to look away while the tears streamed constantly down my face. I so longed for the protection of my faithful wall over on the other side of the cave, but alas, the fire's warmth was here.
"Maybe..." I jumped and would have glared at Kouji if I weren't crying. He really really had to stop doing that!
He was staring at the fire, his head bent so that a shadow fell over his eyes. "Maybe it's true... Maybe you did know me once." My heart leapt in my throat, I heard slight confusion in his voice...
"Maybe I'm like this because I don't know who I am right now..."
Apprehensive words lingering in his speech...
"...Why?" It was so hard to talk when I was filled to bursting with emotion.
Slowly, almost painfully, Kouji brought his head up to face mine. "Maybe it's because I lost something so dear to me after having just found it." His eyes were still empty and dry despite the flickers of emotion I thought I saw there. I was half aware that this was the first time Kouji had spoken more than a sentence fragment to me the entire time he had been back, but the rest of my attention was concentrated solely on his story.
"And maybe the unfairness of it all was throbbing in my head so much that I lost all sense of reality, that I lost sense of myself, my true self..."
I heard the definite anger in there, the rage built up for who knows how long.
"It's funny actually..." His voice had become so dry and emotionless so suddenly that the abrupt change startled me out of my wits.
"I had gone through my entire life not realizing that I had an older brother... And then I find him in the digital world as an enemy, until we showed him the light." My throat constricted and my heart pounded heavily against my chest.
"We save the digital world with more or less a few scratches, not even the most powerful digimon could defeat us as long as we all were a team." He broke off sharply; his emotionless voice had begun to waver and finally cracked. He knew I had heard it so he continued, as if he couldn't stop until he was finished.
"And then do you know what happens?" His voice was full of dry cynicism and I winced. "He goes and gets run over by a car! A small tiny car! Not even a truck!" He was laughing hard now, though this laughter was far from joy and only sounded hollow and painful.
"He can survive the wrath of a thousand angry digimon out for his blood and yet he can't survive a stupid car!" His laughter sounded hard and coarse now, almost insane like. His burning eyes began to extinguish themselves and his emotionless eyes and hollow laughter were all that remained. This bitter sight made my tears run even harder and I quickly tried to stifle them in Kouji's long coat sleeves.
"And you... I still don't understand you. You continue to cry for me when I've done nothing worthy of your tears." I looked up at him across the burning flames and, as if entranced, I walked around it and sat down in front of him. I stared at him, completely bewildered at what he just said, until I caught a glimpse of his eyes. My heart leapt in my throat, I saw it! Just a tiny flicker, but I saw it!
And suddenly, my heart went out to him as well as my arms and I embraced him, letting his head rest upon my shoulders. "It's okay to mourn Kouji." I whispered to him, leaning my own head against his shoulder. He muttered curses, tried to push off my embrace, tried to hide himself inside of an empty shell again, but I wouldn't let go. He was shaking violently now, and soft whimpers came from his throat.
"It hurts."
"Mourning was never easy," I whispered to him delicately, "It hurts, but this way is much better than bottling your feelings up inside of you. Crying will relieve your tensions, your frustrations, all your emotions." I didn't have to look in his eyes to know how he felt. I could feel it, the pain that was cracking at his hollow eyes just a moment ago, desperately trying to escape.
"It'll help you find your true self once again, Kouji, because crying shows that you care, that you will never forget him and will always hold you close to your heart. Crying takes courage, great courage that the real Kouji Minamoto possessed." I whispered once more to him.
And then it came, like a flood- a torrent of emotions swirling in every direction, tearing down the walls that he had built around his heart and eyes. He was shaking again and I soothingly patted his back, trying desperately to share in his pain and help him overcome it. I could feel the rivers of tears finally flowing, and to my surprise, it had stopped my own. Kouji was getting better, Kouji was healing, I could feel it... and I was relieved.
He continued to cry silently on my shoulder and I tried with all my heart and soul to comfort him as best I could.
__________
I don't know how long it had been until Kouji's tears finally stopped, but neither of us had moved an inch when it had.
"He knows, you know..." I told him softly, my forehead resting gently against the crane of his neck.
"He knows that you care, that you've always cared, and always will." Slowly, I felt his warmth leave my shoulder and he nodded slowly as he looked at me with his eyes reflecting the dwindling fire. I smiled as I saw him.
The real him.
Kouji Minamoto.
__________
The rest of the ski trip was canceled after they had found us. The teachers had been so angry at how this could have happened, but I know they were all just really worried. If it had not been Kouji and I, who had survival experience in the digital world at our defense, then the school really might have found 2 popsicle students on this trip. I shuddered and mentally scolded myself; I really needed to stop thinking those kinds of thoughts.
Of course, now I found myself in the same position as I had been in the beginning of this foul turned trip, in the middle of the bus seat lanes, staring dejectedly at all the seats surrounding me. Actually, I wasn't completely in the same spot as in the beginning, for my so called friends had taken a liking to me again. Something to the extent that they now thought I liked Kouji and not Takuya. Stupid Hiroko, I would die before sitting next to either her or any of her friends, no longer my friends, I was tired of being treated this way. I groaned as I ignored their waving hands.
"Oi."
I turned around. It was Kouji.
"H... Haa...?" I asked, puzzled.
"You better hurry up and sit down again." Alarmed, I moved a step forwards and watched as Kouji sat next to the window of the seat that used to be towards my left. I stared dumbfounded again at how freakishly similar this was to my previous situation just yesterday afternoon, except for those few key differences.
Turning his eyes lazily towards mine, Kouji remarked, "You're holding up the line again."
My heart flared. I saw it, the smile lurking in the depths of his beautiful eyes. Eyes no longer shrouded by that wall of despair, eyes that shone with distinct inner light that was Minamoto, Kouji.
I smiled as I sat next to him once more. He turned his eyes away from me once again to look out the window. I saw in the window's reflection a hint of a smile that adorned his face. I smiled as well.
We sat in silence, companionable silence, for the entire ride back to the school, neither of us wanting to break it. He didn't want to talk to me; he never even glanced at me once as he stared out the window, seemingly lost in thought, just like our first ride out here. But hey! That was all right with me. At least... this time...
I wasn't crying.
After all... I had no reason to.
__________
Bunni: I guess I probably could have done a lot better, but I was getting tired of this *16* page one shot. Geez... for my first frontiers I guess I could have done a lot worse, ne? ^___^ Ah well, review? Please?