I don't own South Park. :o(

"Hi, I'm Kyle Broflovski, and this is my Super Best Friend, Stan Marsh." Kyle said as he introduced himself and his best friend.

"After reading the usual announcements the two of us are going to help you, the students of South Park Elementary, score the super-mega-hottie of your dreams in a multi-step system. And yes we have developed this system for people like you, Butters." Stan announced.

"Oh hamburgers," said Butters as he subconsciously rubbed his knuckles together. "if my parents knew that I-I c-couldn't sc-core a super-mega-hottie I-I'd be grounded for sure."

The students of South Park Elementary had chosen Stan and Kyle as Pip's replacements for the morning announcements, seeing as he as Cartman would say, "sucked ass." Most of Pip's announcements had been so bizarre and had no relevancy what-so-ever. Upon receiving the responsibility Stan and Kyle decided to have a little bit of fun with the announcements and add something like you would see on the TLC channel. At first they thought a cooking show would be cool, but you can't exactly cook in school (unless you were Chef.) It was at this point they decided a dating aide segment would be fun.

"Oh, this idea is simply splendid! Why couldn't I have come up with that?" asked Pip as he listened to Kyle and Stan go on with the actual announcements first.

"Because you're a stupid French piece of shit, that's why!" yelled Cartman in the classroom.

"Mister Garrison was seen leaving the White Swallow Men's Bath-house with Mister Mackey last night. Neither were available to comment on this." Kyle announced.

"And in conclusion some sort of dead animal was found in Eric Cartman's locker over the weekend. We asked him about this and his response was, 'Fuck off you stupid Jew-fags!'"

"Quite the interesting story, Stan. Now for what you've all been waiting for. How To Score a Super-Mega-Hottie: Step 1." proceeded Kyle.

"Conversation is the key to sparking a new relationship." Began Stan. " Ask about a current event, such as 'Well, there don't seem to be too many Mecha Barbara Streisands trying to take over the town lately.'"

"Try to avoid pick up lines that are way over done such as the classic, 'Nice pants. They'd look better on my bedroom floor.' Try something from a recent movie like, 'Can you tell me where the crapper is? I need to drop off some timber.'" suggested Kyle to classrooms up roaring in laughter. "Being mysterious is also a huge benefit. You can use the previous line, but mystify it like, 'Can you tell me where the crapper is? I need to do something mysterious in there.'"

"Great advice, Kyle, but jacking-off in the bathroom is no mystery. Isn't that right, Tweek?" Stan joshed. As he said so Tweek sunk down in his desk and started to freak out more than usual. "Ok, now back to how to get your hottie. Commenting on your future Super-Mega-Hottie's choice in fashion can also get your hottie to want you. Even if you think their outfit was probably handed down from their great-grandmother just look at them and say, 'That is a killer outfit!' This simple lie can easily spark a conversation."

"Thank you Stan for that insightful tip. This concludes today's announcements, tune in tomorrow for 'Step 2: Display Your Assets.' You stay classy, South Park Elementary." Kyle concluded.

When the announcements ended and Stan and Kyle had to head to class they saw several kids from their school using the information they had just given out. Even the kindergarteners were trying to pick up the slightly older girls. As they rounded the corner they saw a very angry Eric Cartman waiting for them at their lockers. His arms were crossed against his chest, his eyes could have been mistaken for serial killers, and his eyebrows were at a sharp incline.

"What the hell were you two fags doing telling about what was found in my locker over the weekend?" asked Cartman.

Kyle retorted with, "We were just doing the announcements, fat ass."

"You don't know who you're fucking with, Broflovski. If I hear my name on that intercom for anything bad, so help me God, I will cut off both of you two's balls!" he shrieked and stormed off.

I hope you liked it. Review?