(A/N: This is essentially a rewrite of the episode "One of the Boys", so many elements such as pieces of dialogue come from the original episode. This story starts right as Lincoln goes through the portal).
"Ahh!" Lincoln cried as he jumped out of the portal. The portal disappears as he lands on the hallway floor in front of his bedroom door.
"This doesn't look like a different dimension," Lincoln pondered as he got up and slowly walked down the hall.
A cloud of smoke and a strange scent filled the atmosphere that made Lincoln stop dead in his tracks. The smoke entered his nostrils.
"(Sniff) What's that smell?" Lincoln inquires.
The door to Lori and Leni's room opens, and Lori's male counterpart Loki steps out, texting on his phone. Lincoln gaped at what he sees...Loki was smoking a cigarette.
So that's what the weird smell was, Lincoln thought to himself.
After taking a huge puff of his cigarette and removing it from his mouth, Loki turns towards his bedroom and exhales a huge cloud of smoke.
"Come on Loni, time to go," Loki urged.
Loni was about to step out of the room when he smacks his face on the wall.
"Oof. Woah Loki, who moved the doorway?" Loni stated. He noticed the puff of smoke, but he just nonchalantly fanned the smoke away.
The door to Luke and Lane's room opens, again releasing a small puff of smoke. Luke steps out, with his guitar in his hands and a big brown cigar in his mouth.
"I'm ready brah," Luke says enthusiastically, as he proceeds to play a guitar riff.
Lane's ventriloquist dummy, Mrs. Coconuts, peeks out of the room.
"I wooden miss it," she comments.
"Haha, good one Mrs. Coconuts," Lane laughs.
Lane uses his free hand to grab a red and silver can. He opens the can and gulps down the contents inside, with some of it running down his chin.
"Ahhhh! Nothing like a nice cold beer early in the morning," Lane sighed in satisfaction.
"God, alcoholic," Luke comments as he exhales smoke from his cigar.
"What? I get my best material when I'm a little buzzed," Lane says as he and Luke follow Loni and Loki downstairs.
Lincoln stood there totally flabbergasted. Seeing male versions of his sisters smoking and drinking is one of the most jarring and surreal things he's ever seen, especially considering that his mom and dad would kill his sisters if they did any of that.
Boy Lynn exits his own room while tossing a football in the air "62! Hut!"
Lars follows, also with a lit cigarette in his mouth. "Sigh," Lars whispers as smoke exhales from his mouth.
Leif runs out of his bedroom, carrying a frog in his hands.
"Quit honking Lexx or you'll get a frog down your pants!" Leif angrily shouts. Lexx drives out of the room in his green car.
"Just try it you bastard! So help me I'll burn your face with this!" Lexx hollers as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a match.
"Oh that does it!" Leif jumps in the air and lands on Lexx, prompting the twin brothers to fight.
Lisa's male counterpart Levi exits his bedroom and looks at his quarreling brothers in annoyance. "Hey!" Levi shouted, getting the twins to stop fighting.
"Oh what the hell do you want asshole?" the twins cry in unison while looking at Levi.
"Shut your God damn mouths so Leon can nap, and don't you call me asshole!" Levi scolds. He and the twins go downstairs to meet with the rest of the brothers.
Lincoln takes a minute to reflect on seeing his brothers smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, threatening to burn each other with a match, and cursing at each other.
"Holy bananas, I never knew this alternate dimension could be so...hardcore!" Lincoln gasps as he looks down at his brothers.
"Will you be joining us Lincoln?" Levi calls out amidst the chaos.
"Where we going?" Lincoln asks.
"Seriously, dude? We're going to Dairyland. It was your idea," Loki says.
Everybody files out the door as Lincoln happily leaps down the stairs. After hearing the word Dairyland, he had completely forgotten about having brothers who smoke.
"Alright! My sisters would never want to go to Dairyland," Lincoln happily claimed.
Loni smacked his face in the doorway and then turned around to face Lincoln.
"Sisters?" Loni questioned.
Lincoln realized his sisters aren't supposed to exist, so he needs to come up with an excuse as to why he said "sisters".
"Well you know, the nuns. They hate amusement parks," Lincoln explains. Both Lincoln and Loni follow everybody else out the door.
A couple hours later, after they've finished their day of fun at Dairyland, the brothers cruise down the street in Vanzilla while they cheer in excitement.
"Yeah! Dairyland was awesome!" Loki shouts.
Lane reaches into the seat and pulls out a pack of cigarettes that only has one cigarette in there.
"Ah good, I found a smoke," Lane puts the cigarette in his mouth, "yo, can someone gimme a light?"
Lars hands Lane a red lighter. "Thanks man," Lane says gratefully.
He uses his thumb to click the lighter until a small flame emerges from it. After lighting his cigarette, he gives the lighter back to Lars and rolls down the window.
In the passenger's seat, Lincoln lets out a small burp. "(Burp) Whoops, sorry," Lincoln covers his mouth.
Lynn pokes his head in between the driver and passenger seat. "What the hell was that? This is a burp!" Lynn cries enthusiastically.
Lynn lets out a very big belch, which actually makes Lincoln wince as the scent of cigarettes and alcohol from Lynn's breath hits his nostrils.
Lexx, Levi, and Leif are in the back seats, with all three of them drinking cans of beer.
"Yo, that was nothing. Check this out," Leif puts his can of beer in between his legs and proceeds to do an armpit fart.
"Please, that's child's play. Nothing like the real thing," Loki says as he farts for real. However, he realizes he might have done something more.
"Oh damn. I think I just shit myself," Loki gasped.
The brothers react by simultaneously roaring with laughter and shouting things like "ahh" and "Loki shit himself". Ugh why are they happy about that? Lincoln thinks to himself.
Suddenly a car pulls up next to Vanzilla and starts honking loudly, making the brothers mad.
"Ah shut up you old bag!" Loki hollers as he honks back.
"Screw you! Screw you to hell and back, asshole!" Loni screamed as he raised a fist in the air and shook it.
The car speeds away. "Yeah, you'd better run, jerk-off!" Loni chided as he threw a middle finger in the air.
Lincoln's jaw drops as he witnesses the male version of his sweetest sister cursing and putting up his middle finger.
Finally after that ordeal, the brothers arrive at Gus' Games N' Grub.
"Chow time, boys!" Loki announced.
"(Gasp) Gus' Games N' Grub?! No way!" Lincoln was so ecstatic that he leapt out of the car and ran inside.
Later, Loki comes to the table and sets down five pizzas.
"Five pies for ten guys. Dig in," Loki instructed, "oh, and false alarm. I didn't actually shit myself."
"Oh good. Bet it was a close one," Lexx sighed in relief.
"I sure hope Mom and Dad gave us enough dough. Hahaha, get it?" Lane joked as he reached for a slice of pizza.
"That was stupid. I'm gonna need a drink," Levi complained as he pulled a can of beer from seemingly out of nowhere and drank it.
"Uh, I don't think you guys should be drinking in here," Lincoln warns.
"Aww please. The manager just said no smoking. He didn't say anything about BYOB, Bring Your Own Beer," Leif explained.
"Besides, if he has a problem with this, he can kiss my ass," Luke declared as he happily munched a slice of pizza.
Much later, the gang arrives back at the house. Rita just took out the garbage, with baby Leon in her arms. Everybody gets out of the car and walks towards her.
"There's my army. How was Dairyland?" Rita greeted lovingly.
"It was awesome," the brothers answered in unison.
Rita instantly notices the smell of beer and cigarettes coming from her sons, so she glares at Leif, Lexx, and Levi.
"You three didn't happen to smoke or drink like your brothers, did you?" Rita questions suspiciously.
"Oh no, of course not mother. The twins and I are much too young to poison our livers with alcohol and taint our lungs with cigarettes," Levi stated matter-of-factly.
Lexx and Leif looked at each other and gave mischievous smirks, knowing that they actually drank and Levi just lied to their mother to her face.
"Hey boys," Lynn Loud Sr. walks by dragging a second trash can across the yard.
"PILE ON DAD!" Leif screams.
All the Loud brothers, including Lincoln, run towards Lynn Sr. and jump on top of him, entrapping him.
"Say uncle," Lars instructs.
"I thought he was our dad," Loni comments.
"Uncle! Uncle!" Lynn Sr. protests. The brothers get off him and run into the house.
"Are you Ok?" Rita wonders as she walks towards Lynn Sr. She reaches her hand towards him and he grabs it.
"Yeah, sure. But they smell horrible," Lynn Sr. grunts as he gets up off the ground.
"It's those gosh darn cigarettes. But frankly I don't care as long as my youngest boys don't smoke. And I'll be damned if Leon grows up and becomes a smoker or an alcoholic," Rita says as she kisses her baby boy Leon on the head