The Peace & Horror
By: Rebel4LifeMeg
~The first question you may ask is, "What the fuck is up with this title?" Well my readers, HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?~
`~PART 1~`
Intro- Ocheeva is watching Lucien Lachance in the middle of the night.
Waking up in the depths of the night, Lucien Lachance hurries out of bed. He throws on his dark shadowed cloak and wavers into the night, seated on his horse, Shadow Mere. And that was the last I saw him. I waited seconds, minuets, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and what seemed like eons. I lied awake night and even went without food or water for days. I NEEDED Lucien. In fact, I thirsted for him.
Intro- Lucien's POV.
I wake up in the midst of the night. Ready to take on my next expedition, I swiftly saddled Shadow Mere, and she rode me off into the starry nights horizon.
Chapter 1- Becoming A Hero.
Lucien traveled for years in search of the Amulet of Kings. Although his mission was to find it and bring it back to the Dark Brotherhood council as soon as possible, it took Lucien years to find the damn thing. He traveled to the center of Cyrodill, where he paid Uriel Ceptim to tell him where the Amulet of Kings was. Uriel replied, "Oh my dear young man, only the smartest of men will ever find where I, Uriel Ceptim, have hidden the Amulet. Quite frankly, you are a dumb shit. You ride upon black horses day and night. You wear a gay black robe, that shadows every inch of darkness in your eyes. Yes, I know who you are." Lucien, pissed off, says, "Say it you old bag….who am I…..get on with it!" Uriel whispers, "Justin Bieber." Lucien swiftly slashes the old sack of beans and then obliterates him. In the process Lucien dropped his dagger. He bent down to get it and suddenly broke wind. The smell was so petrifying, sewer rats and mice died. The next day Lucien Lachance made front page headlines as a hero.
Chapter 2- Asians Fly.
Lucien traveled to the gates of Oblivion where he found a group of Asians standing in front of him. They looked at each-other and laughed. He stepped off his horse and commanded, "Let me through or I will kill you!" The Asians laughed and said, "Chin soo yi dong, chilla twa choo koot!" (English transfer: Fuck off you emo bastard, before I go karate kid on your pussy!) Lucien was no amused. He slowly raised his left hand, slowly opened his fist, and slowly clenched it. Asians were then flying everywhere! It was World War II all over again! After all the Asians were dead, Lucien found time to sneak into the gate and snatched the Amulet of Kings.
Chapter 3- Cealen & Lucien.
When Lucien finally reached the dark brotherhood council, he found Ocheeva standing in front of the door. "Stop in the name of Love!" Ocheeva was flabbergasted to see Lucien again. Just to make sure she wasn't dreaming she stabbed herself and fell to the floor. Lucien hit the controls key and types in 'resurrect' to bring Ocheeva back to life. When she awoke she slapped Lucien and was soon after arrested for sexual assult. Lucien walked in only to be greeted by Cealen, his gay elf partner. Cealen stripped Lucien of all his close and his own. He then whispered to Lucien, "I missed you and your warm comfort…..your screaming and moaning to my miraculous love making." Cealen through both their clothes into Mattiue Bellemont's face unknowingly. Both hurried upstairs not to be seen for six more hours.
Chapter 4- Sheogorath.
While in bed, Lucien looks to the right to see none other than Sheogorath. "Were you here the whole time?" Lucien spats out. "Yes, my docter said gay porn is good for my health. Now tell me, what in the name of bloody intestines is up with cheese? There are so many versions of cheese! Pepper jack, muenster, blue, white, string! Do we need anymore!" Cealen looks up and shoots Sheogorath because he was tired of hearing him piss and moan about cheese and human intestines.
Chapter 5- Sithis Needs A Tampon.
When Lucien was covered back up and look presentable he went to go confront Sithis. Sithis began the conversation by flipping off Lucien. Lucien was disgusted, so he ripped off one of Sithis's rib bones. Sithis apologized and explained how he mistook him for Sheogorath. The matter being that Sheogorath was the reason why Sithis was Sithis. Sithis was eaten alive by Sheogorath and many people now stay a safe distance away from him. Many consider him a cannibal. Sithis then apologized AGAIN, for bleeding all over Lucien. This time the problem was he forgot to put in his tampon. He then cleansed Lucien of the blood.
Chapter 6- The Runaway Culprit.
After the bloody situation Lucien was confronted by the Black Hand. "Where is my amulet dark brother?" "Right here my good lord." From out of no where, a drunk commoner blurted out, "LUCIEN LACHANCE IS THE BETRAYER!" The Black Hand grabbed Lucien by his penis and takes his to die. Oh the way Lucien says, "Woah! did you see that Asian?" The Black Hand drops Lucien and says, "OOH! Where I love Asians!" The Black Hand saw no Asian, so he ripped off Lucien's penis and testicles. Lucien Lachance managed to get away. He know roams the streets of Skyrim, hiding from the dark shandows.
`~PART2~`
Chapter 7- On The Street.
I roam the streets of Skyrim, avoiding the darkness. Although it hurts me so…. I cannot be seen. My name is *A commoner run into him* "Oh my sir, please for-" "No piss off man! I run this shit!" "But sir, I was trying to-" "Just shut up and DIE ALREADY!" "Well F*ck you too!" Ahem, sorry about that. Anyways, my name is Lucien Lachance. I have high intentions of *Lucien farts* rewriting The Elder Scrolls.
Chapter 8- Famous.
The people of Skyrim claim that a mentally disturbed scientist named Sarah has created an E.M.I.L.Y. This monstrous device towers over 20 stories high and its 30 miles long. She eats Khajiits and Giants. Some rumors have been spread that this THING has the ability to do drugs such as cocaine, heroin, weed, and does body building. My ultimate plan is to *Lucien is suddenly interrupted by a wood elf* "Hey, hey you! Would you like-" "Sex, no! I'm with Cealen! God what is wrong with you idiots!" "Actually an extra-" "Thong? NO get out of here!" "No you fag! An extra copy of the newspaper!" "Oh…ya sure." *The wood elf hands Lucien the paper, and Lucien begins to read it out loud* Lucien Lachance Kills Sewer Rats By Cutting The Cheese! He's A Hero! *Sheogorath interrupts* "OOH, cheese! What type of cheese sis you cut? What do you like your cheese with? Intestines a sandwich?" "I thought Cealen killed you?" "He did until some chick pressed her controls kay and typed in 'resurrect'." *Lucien is annoyed and walks away*
Chapter 9- Fooling Around.
I then traveled to the house of Jauffre, where I kindly greeted him with, "Hey fagbag!" He confidently replied, "Yes?" And for the rest of my lecture he turned to his god damn bible and ignored me! This ignorance sent me to the gates of oblivion to die. *A faint man's voice is heard from a distance* "Wait! I need you to help me sell wine!" And then I knew it was Gilbert Grapes. "Gilbert! Get outa here. . Can't you see I'm trying to die?" "Actually it looks like you're trying to take a shit." "OH YOU BASTARD!" I then stabbed his ass but little did I know that he would blast me with butt lightning! WOAH, that was a big fart! "Oh somebody HELP! My Dick fell apart!" Shouted Gilbert. Both Lucien Lachance and Gilbert Grapes tragically died that day.