This is less an actual story and more a series of short drabbles/vignettes loosely strung together in something relatively resembling coherance. Probably in the same way that Gerard Butler relatively resembles a Living Corpse. There will probably be some foul language, adult situations, violence, and suggestive dialouge, so discretion please! This is also not meant to seriously offend anyone. It's meant in fun and good natured ribbing. I'm guilty of screwing with characterization/canon for my own nefarious purposes as much as anyone. And, honestly, if a little parody phic by some random nutjob you don't even KNOW irks you to any great extent, you might need to step away from the for a little while and prioitize.
Finally I do not own the Phantom of the Opera, any of it's characters, or any other random bit of pop culture or history I might toss in here. I make no profit from this, either (not like anyone would WANT to pay for such drivel anyhow! :) ) VO stands for Voice Over. Think that guy in all of the Goofy cartoons that explains "How to..."
And now with the epic disclaimer out of the way, let the cliches commence!
Sue Me!
VO: (Clearing throat) Writing phanphic....The longstanding cheap method of proving one's devotion and ardent adoration for a set of timeless characters. But how does one go about writing phan phiction? Well, first one needs a first rate, stalwart and true heroine.
Bunny Sue: (appears from no where in particular) Hello! (smiles, giggles, and birds and chipmunks gambol and frollic playfully about her)
VO: Our heroine should be modest, (Bunny demurely wraps her cloak over her cleavage. Which, of course, is ample.) sweet, (Bunny pets the adorable little chipmunks at her feet, making kissey faces at them that are enough to cause any and all within a 100 yard radius to become instantly diabetic.) beautiful, (Bunny poses--dramatically.) and extremely gifted with talents that will cause the cold and aloof Erik to melt into a nice smooshy teddy bear, completely reformed and housebroken. (Bunny launches into the Queen of the Night Aria, accompanying herself on the harp with one hand, while sketching archetectual designs with the other, and spinning a plate on one foot. Demurely.) And, of course, she has a deep and complicated backstory, giving her a many layered and deeply compelling characterization.
Bunny Sue: I was born a wealthy noble, but tragically my family lost all of their fortune and I was abandoned by my parents because they were so ashamed that they could no longer provide for me! So I learned how to be a pickpocket, although I only took what I needed, and the rest of the time I was a perfectly picturesque gypsy girl who danced and sang for coins in the streets of Paris! And this is where a very wealthy and good man adopted me, and I was once again privilaged to a life of leisure, with the best schools and good connections through my adopted family's social status. But (le gasp!) Unfortunately this wonderful benifactor's wife and nephew were horrible to me and abused me physically and/or verbally! But I still strived to be a dutiful daughter. And then, tragically, they were all killed, horribly. My adopted father from consumption, my abusive but much beloved adopted mother in a fire, and finally, my adopted cousin was trampled by weasels and then drowned. Oh, did I mention that my very beloved and oh so good to me adopted father had a terrible birth defect that caused his skin to fall off about once a month? Well, without my new and mostly loving family I was once again flung to the streets! And I knew the only way to survive was to become a prostitute! But I am still chaste and pure! For my kindness and radience was enough that any client that came to me felt far too much pity for my poor situation to take advantage of me! Eventually, through one of the few remaining social contacts I had left I obtained a position in the chorus at the very populaire Palais Garnier, which is where I work now. Oh, did I mention that I live in my dressing room because I can't afford anything better? BUt I just KNOW someday I will be a star! I know it or my name isn't Bunny-Marie-Collette-Elizabeth-Margaret-Rose-Belle-Viola-Chantelle-Chanteuse-Christine-Louise-Lotte-Angelique Susette-Destler-Noir-Fleur-F'tangF'tangOleBiscuitBarrel (gasp for breath) the IIIrd!
VO: But everyone just calls her Bunny Sue for short. And truly she is destined for great things! Now that we have our completely believable and chock full of dimension heroine, we need our fantastically handsome and dashing hero! (Cut to Raoul.) Nope. Not that one. (...cut to Carlous Fonta...?) Try again, hon. (Cut to the severely deformed bipolar sociopath who's been living in the cellar for umpteen years with zero human contact unless you count blackmailing the management through letters?) Bingo! (Erik strangles the camera man for being in his lair and pointing a camera at him.) Note the desperate plea for reform and redemption! (mumbling)eventhoughtechnicallyChristinealreadycoveredthatandheshouldbeDEADfromabrokenheartatthispointbutwhatever. Feast your eyes and glut your soul, for he iis/i Don Juan triumphant! (Erik strangles the secondary camera for the same reasons as the first and the shots of the lair go black, although from somewhere off in the distance we do hear that he was thoughtful enough to at least provide a requiem for them)
Bunny: (taken slightly aback) But...but...He doesn't look at ALL like Gerard Butler/John Owen-Jones/John Cudia/Michael Crawford!
VO: Them's the breaks, sweetheart. Erik doesn't look like them. He looks like a damned rotting corpse!
Bunny: (Twitches like a Stepford robot reprogramming itself and goes back to smiling vaguely) Oh, well. I'm sure that he's still got an absolute heart of gold and is just misunderstood.
VO: Atta girl. Don't give up the delusio--I mean dream. Now that we have our wonderful protagonists we can begin to look at plot. What, you may well ask, is essential for a good phan phic? Well first you must have the initial meeting of the characters. There are several ways to achieve this. One thought is to let Erik play your knight in shining armor! First you must position your lovely damsel in distress. A handy drunk and lecherous stagehand is always useful for this.
Drunk & Lecherous Stagehand: (or DLS for short) Yo! (hic!leer)
VO: Now our poor sweet and totally innocent darling may be meandering about backstage after a performance, thinking sweet and pure thoughts about opening an orphanage for starving kittens when suddenly-
DLS: (Leaping from the shadows!) Aha! You gots a purty mouth!
Bunny Sue: Eep! Get away! (attempts to push him away melodramatically)
DLS: (Easily overpowering our frail and delicate--but still voluptuous--little chorus girl) Mwahahahahahaha!
Bunny Sue: Oh! Who will save me from this creep? (A beat. Silence.) Ahem! Who will save me from this vile creep! (still nothing)
(Cut to Erik, down in his lair, composing away and completely oblivious to what's going on outside his home because Bunny Sue means about jack and squat to him. Whoops. He glances up, hearing movement, and we're down ANOTHER camera man)
DLS: Sorry love, I really have no idea what to do when no one comes to the rescue and garottes me in front of you, which you totally would be ok with. Or, to make the 'hero' more sympathetic merely konks me out. I'll see you around. (walks off)
VO: Of course there are other variations. For example, you could have a very dear friend of your heroine [who just happens to know ALL about the Opera Ghost because she is the wikipedia of the opera house] tell her all about the terrible and tragic story about what happened to that bitch Christine, who everyone totally hated anyway, even though they always hid it to her face and would smile and say 'what a sweet and innocent girl' until she was out of earshot. How she actually knows all of this since Erik has been really good about looking like an actual ghost for iyears/i is anyone's guess, but our dear little Bunny Sue will know that he is hurt and pining and that only she(!) can save him!
Plottela Devicia: Oh, oh! Dear, darling Bunny! Have I ever told you all about the Opera Ghost?
Bunny Sue: Well gosh golly, I don't think you have!
Plottela Devicia: Well everyone ithinks/i he's a ghost, but he's really this uber-hawt genious of tormented angsty anguish! And he was madly in love with another chorus girl named Christine. But she was such a heinous bitch! Do you know what she did!
Bunny Sue: (gasp!) No, what!
Plottela Devicia: She totally went with the sane, attractive man with a title that he was totally willing to give up in order to be with her!
Bunny Sue: You don't say!
Plottela Devicia: Yes! All Erik ever did was love her obsessively, teach her to sing, and commit one or two murders, make the previous diva croak like a toad and then throw a 2 ton chandelier into an audience full of people, and threaten to blow up about a quarter of Paris, and she just LEFT him!
Bunny Sue: Oh! I cannot even fathom how that could be! Obviously that was all just a poor cry for help! A chorus girl you say?
Plottela Devicia: Oh, yes. Regular old, run of the mill chorus girl with daddy issues from here to kingdom come and probably some mild mental retardation. I mean, she idid/i think the voices in her head were the Angel of Music.
Bunny Sue: Hmmm...Welp, I totally have to go walking around the cold and dank cellars now for some reason that totally isn't trying to find the Phantom.
Plottela Devicia: Yeah, ok. Have fun with that!
VO: And so our intrepid little would-be diva braves the icky scary darkness of the cellars to find the man she knows in her heart will be her One True Love!
Bunny Sue: (trotting around the 5th cellar and singing her darling little heart out to the nothingness.) Tra la la laaaa!
Erik: (Stands in the shadows, studiously unimpressed.) Not Christine, not interested.
Bunny Sue: (Coming across the lake) Oh look! A boat!
Erik: (maskpalm)
Bunny Sue: (climbs herself into the boat and starts rowing across the lake. Still singing, of course)
Erik: (Pulls the reed out of his cloak and starts walking deliberately toward the water)
VO: Of course this method can prove unpredictable....(Immediately Bunny Sue pops out of existance from the boat and back to the relative safety of her dressing room.) When all else fails, you can always play the sympathy card.
Bunny Sue: (crying in her dressing room) Oh woe is me! How sad my life is! I've lost everyone I've ever loved and I am emotionally vaulnerable and oh so beautiful and innocent! Woe and sadness! If only there were someone who was also psychologically damaged that I could reach out to! Even if they were horribly terribly deformed and batshit insane I would still be absolutely enthralled by their romantic mystique. Y'know, if they just so happened to be tall, dark, and masked.
Erik: (Now standing behind the mirror through the miracle of\really weird editing. Aaaand just to make things a bit easier he is smacked good 'n' proper by the OOC Stick. Stops. Thinks.) Has anyone ever told you about the Angel of Music, my dear?
Bunny Sue: (lifts her beautiful tear-streaked face) No, but I'll bet he's all kinds of sexy and I would be far too innocent to question such a divine being's guidance. Regardless of what he asked me to do.
Erik: (Decides that if he cocks his head and squints she looks close enough to Christine that this might not be so bad. At least she isn't tone deaf.) I'm totally the Angel of Music.
Bunny Sue: (Face lights up) I totally believe you!
VO: And so now our two protagonists have met. Now, of course there needs to be some development between them. You may chose to portray this by showing Erik lovingly defending his lady's honour.
DLS: (talking to no one in particular) Day-um that Bunny's hot. I would hit that in a second!
Erik: Seriously?
DLS: Well...probably not. I mean, she didn't seem that into it last time, and I may be drunk and lecherous, but I'm pretty sure this establishment is classy enough that attempted rape would probably get me fired.
Erik: Then you are completely not worth my attention.
Random Rival Singer: I think she sounds awful! I should totally be in her place!
Erik: Oh, right so I'm supposed to go around killing every single other person in this building that thinks they could sing it better. Have you ever MET actors? There would be no one LEFT! (Ignores bitchy singer, because, let's face it. She's not a threat until she actually DOES something)
VO: Another very important part is the unmasking scene. Which can also be handled one of several ways. There is always the straightforward approach.
Bunny Sue: (Sneaking up behind Erik while he's working to snatch away his black, full face mask)
VO: But, of course it must be handled very carefully, because stealing the mask is far too similar to what that bitch Christine did, and we wouldn't want to upset Erik like she did, now would we?
Bunny Sue: (Stops mid sneak) Oh Erik! Won't you please let me see your face?
Erik: No.
Bunny Sue: Pleeeeease?
Erik: No.
Bunny Sue: But deformities don't bother me.
Erik: Who said I was deformed! I resent you jumping to that conclusion when you have no idea what I actually look like!
Bunny Sue: Well....Will you take it off anyway?
Erik: No. (Another solid whack with the OOC Stick) Okay. (Takes off his mask, revealing a face that looks a lot like a corpse that's been dead for a month or two. The skin is yellowish and stretched grotesquely over the bones of his face. He has no nose, and his eyes are so deep set that they look like empty sockets with two yellow pinpricks gleaming in them)
Bunny Sue: AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH! That's not a sunburn!!!! (A techie appears from nowhere in particular and whispers something in her ear) Oh. Really? You're serious? (Techie nods) All right then. It's not so bad.
Erik: (Loses his goddamn mind because he thinks she's mocking him) Not so BAD? iNot so bad??/i
Bunny Sue: (Not even blinking at his behaviour, which is really dumb because an Angry Erik is a Scary Erik) Nope.
Erik: Do you have something wrong with your brain?
VO: Of course if the heroine suffers from an affliction herself, sometimes that can make things easier, too.
Bunny Sue: Ack! I have been struck blind!
Erik: You have GOT to be kidding me.
Bunny Sue: So since I'm totally blind now it doesn't matter what you look like.
Erik: I'm still homicidal and probably bipolar.
Bunny Sue: Nope it's good, because I'm blind.
VO: Or if you'd rather keep the surprise element you could always just make sure that the Phantom accidentally loses his mask.
Erik: (Is working away and the knot on his mask just happens to come undone and it falls to the floor, and slides under a nice heavy piece of furniture so he can't retrieve it immediately) Son of a bitch!
Bunny Sue: I think you're handsome!
Erik: Are you absolutely isure/i there's nothing wrong with your brain?
VO: Now that you've overcome that obstacle you can get down to trying to reform Erik and make him a happier person. Try offering him some physical affection.
Bunny Sue: Erik, I love you, my beloved!
Erik: Wait, what?
Bunny Sue: I want you! I offer myself willingly to you! (Very innocently and modestly rips off her dress)
Erik: I, uh, wow....uhm....(Bunny Sue kisses him full on the lips and he damn near collapses)
Bunny Sue: Make love to me, Erik! (She starts touching him intimately)
Erik: (Passes out)
Bunny Sue: Um, Erik? (Nudges him with her foot.) Erik?
VO: See how masterfully Erik woos his newfound love! But there's still that little problem of Erik being a bit tempremental and a killer.
Erik: I never killed anyone.
VO: You killed two of my cameramen.
Erik: No. I don't think I did. They must have had heart attacks or something.
VO: I have video of you strangling one of them.
Erik: Really? I completely forgot about that!
VO: (ahem) There still are an inordinate amount of dead people, regardless. The only sure way to correct this is through swift and regular whacks with the OOC Stick. Thank you.