If you use this technique, you will lose all of your Shinigami powers.
It didn't seem like a big sacrifice, but I didn't really think about what I would be losing. At the time, I don't think I really understood what he had meant when he said 'all' of my Shinigami powers. I didn't know I would lose all my spiritual abilities as well. I didn't know I would no longer be able to see or communicate with spirits after I used the Final Getsuga Tenshou. If I would have known that, then maybe I would have figured out another way to take down Aizen, but because of my ignorance, I've completely lost the ability to see or speak to Rukia. And now, the rain has returned, and there's no end in sight to this torrential downpour.
Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence,
Can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping,
Need to know where you are
But one thing's for sure,
You're always in my heart
"What do you mean they can't use a gigai?" I exclaimed.
"I don't understand it any more than you do." Urahara explained. "Something is going on with my gigai technology, which is preventing anyone from the Soul Society from entering the artificial bodies. It's really quite strange, almost like the gigai's are rejecting the souls."
"How long will it take for you to get this all figured out?" I asked, my temper slowly rising.
"I wish I knew. I can't fix a problem if I don't even know what it is or what caused it." He said.
I let out a frustrated sigh as I clenched my fists in anger.
"Can I ask you something?" I said.
"What is it?"
"Do you think I'll ever be able to see them again? Rukia and the others… " I said, looking down at my knees.
"…I really can't say for sure, Ichigo." He said to me. "It is possible that your abilities could return to you. Look at your dad, for example."
"It took him twenty years to gain back his powers," I said. "And it wasn't even all of them."
"Regardless of the details, with the kind of power you possessed, you could still gain yours back in no time flat."
"And just how am I going to do that?"
"That's a tricky question, because the last time you were training to awaken the powers you already had within you. Because you used the Final Getsuga Tenshou, your powers are completely diminished. Just think of it like this: you bruised your spiritual abilities. And just like any normal bruise, it needs time to heal before your back to normal."
"So you really think I'll gain my abilities back?"
"Maybe not all of them, but I believe that with the kind of determination you've got, and with time, you'll at least be able to regain the ability to see and speak to spirits again." Urahara said. "The question now is, just how long will it take for that to happen?"
XXXX
I laid on my bed, staring up at the dark ceiling, mulling over the thoughts that clouded my mind. I thought that by going to Urahara, he'd be able to provide me with some answers, but all he did was fill me with a sense of uncertainty that I couldn't shake. I had lost my powers, yes, I accepted that, but I couldn't accept the fact that I couldn't see ghosts anymore. It almost felt like a part of me had died, and then slapped me in the face as it slipped away. Even though he said I could still get that power back, I was a little skeptical. How exactly can I gain back something I no longer have control of?
It was a haunting memory, my life as a soul reaper, but none of which were as haunting as Rukia's memory. This emptiness reminded me of the time when she went back to the Soul Society to be executed. The world still revolved without her here, but for me, at this moment, it seemed to come to a complete stand-still. I looked over at my closet, now dark and empty, and felt a sinking feeling in my chest. Her scribbles of Chappy the rabbit were hanging along the walls, and her school uniform was folded neatly upon the pillow. Everything was exactly where she left it; just in case there was that off chance she would come looking for it. It sounds childish, but I didn't have the courage to touch her things. I can just hear her now, saying things like "Ichigo, don't you know not to touch things that aren't yours?" or "Get your hands off that, baka!" She really is a handful, but you never know what you've got until it's gone, right?
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The truth will free my soul
"So explain to me how exactly I can regain my powers," I said.
"Right now, we can't exactly figure out how we're going to get them back…so we're basically just going to try a few experiments."
"Experiments?" I gulped.
"Nothing serious, just common methods such as meditation and stuff. Don't worry; you've got nothing to worry about."
"And what happens when that doesn't work?" I asked.
"Then we figure out a way that will. One way or another, you will be able to talk to Rukia again." He said to me.
"..have you heard from her? Has she come to see you at all?"
"She has," he said.
"Did she say anything?"
He shook his head. "Nothing in particular."
"…she hasn't mentioned anything about me?"
"As a matter of fact, she has." He paused and looked at me before continuing. "She's worried about you,"
"Worried about me?" I repeated.
"Because you lack the ability to feel spiritual pressure of any sort now, you've failed to notice her following you. She's been keeping a close eye on you, trying to make sure you're staying out of trouble."
"That's a little…creepy." I laughed nervously.
"But it's also a good thing. See, now you know that she's been watching over you, and probably will be for the next few days."
"What are you getting at?" I said, my face warming up.
"You don't get it, do you? If you know that she's been with you all this time, you'll start trying to see her. In time, you may just succeed, because it's what you truly want. It's your hearts biggest desire." He explained.
"So what you're saying is because I know she's always watching me, I'll start becoming more aware of my surroundings?"
"Which should, in turn, help you to regain your spiritual abilities." He said in a matter-of-factly manner.
"That sounds ridiculous." I said, slightly annoyed with his arrogance.
"Don't knock it 'til you try it," he said, a strange smile breaking on his face.
Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony 'cause I just do not know
Where you are
"Are you there…Rukia?" I whispered in the dark.
I had returned home from Urahara's and went straight to my room. It was late, so no one was awake to bother me while I tried to speak to Rukia..
"Urahara told me everything…about how you've been following me and keeping a close eye on me." I said. "That's just a little weird, you know?"
There was no answer, just cold, unbroken silence.
"This is just stupid…I'll never gain my powers back this way. What was nutjob thinking?"
Suddenly, I struck across the face.
"Hey! What the hell!" I said to no one.
My room was completely empty, I was the only one in there…or so I thought.
"Rukia?" I asked softly. "If that's you, give me a sign or something. I need to know it's you."
Almost instantly, I felt a cold embrace around my neck and shoulders. She was hugging me. I reached my arms out to return the hug, even though it looked like I was hugging the air.
"Ichigo…" she whispered. It was so quiet, almost as if I was imagining her speaking, but I heard it. I could hear her again, but even now, that still wasn't enough. I missed seeing her face, especially those exuberant violet eyes.
"You really are here," I said, my voice cracking a little.
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul
One week had passed, and each night, I made it a point to talk to Rukia. I could hear her clearly now, but I still couldn't see her. It's hard to believe that Urahara's strange suggestion was actually working, but I still didn't know how long it would be before I could see spirits, or before he fixed the gigai's, so talking was all I had. Even though I could hear her voice, I still felt sad. I knew she was there with me, but for some reason, it felt as if she wasn't really there at all, and that I was just imagining the whole thing. But it was those moments when she would touch me or hug me with those cold hands and arms that reminded me that I wasn't going crazy.
"Tell me something, Ichigo." Rukia said. "What was running through your head when you faced Aizen?"
"I don't understand what you mean," I said to her.
"What were you thinking about?"
"Why do you want to know so badly?"
"Because," she said. "I just want to know,"
I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I don't know…I guess I was thinking about trying to stay alive." I said.
"That's it? You weren't thinking about anyone? Just yourself?" she teased.
"Well…not exactly." I said, my face warming up.
"So you were thinking about someone," she said, even though I couldn't see her, I knew she was smiling.
"I was thinking about everyone I ever cared about," I said slowly. "But mostly, I was thinking about you."
The room fell silent, only the sound of a stifled gasp that escaped from Rukia's mouth.
"I was thinking about what I would say to you once I saw you again," I continued. "I debated on if I should hug you or not if I even made it out of there alive. I kept replaying my favorite memories of the two of us in my head, and I kept reminding myself that I had to stay alive so I could tell you that you mean the world to me. I had to stay alive long enough to tell you that I couldn't live without you near me and I wanted to tell you that…well…that I think I've fallen in love with you."
"Ichigo…" she said quietly, her voice shaking a little.
Wherever you are, I won't stop searching
Whatever it takes me to go
"I know what you're thinking…that me saying something like that isn't like me at all…but once I realized that I couldn't see or talk to anyone from the spirit realm anymore…I began to realize these emotions and feelings that I never knew I had. Just the thought of not being able to hear your voice again…it's something I didn't really want to think about, you know?"
"Why are you telling me these things?" she said to me.
"Because you need to know the truth," I said to her. "You need to know what happened to me once I use the Final Getsuga Tenshou. And you need to know how I feel about you."
Suddenly, I was pushed onto my back and pinned down to my bed as she straddled me.
"You idiot," she said from above me. "Don't you ever, EVER, scare me like that again."
"Huh?"
"You don't know what I was thinking when you went off to fight Aizen. All I could think about was you. I begged that you would make it out of there alive, and when I couldn't feel your spiritual pressure, I thought for sure you had been killed." She said sternly. "Do you know how scared I was? I worried myself sick over you! And when you wouldn't answer me when I called out to you, I thought you were just ignoring me. I went to Kisuke looking for answers, and he told me that you had lost all of your powers…and I was hurt. I was angry because you did something so reckless, and I was upset because you couldn't see or hear me anymore. I thought that you would spend the rest of your life not knowing what had happened to me or how I felt about you. Just the thought of THAT was definitely more that I could stand, Ichigo!"
"Rukia…" I said. "…I'm sorry."
"Shut up, you idiot." She said before crushing her icy lips onto mine. I shut my eyes as I leaned into the kiss, each second feeling like a lifetime. I felt her grip around my wrists loosen up as her body began to relax.
"I love you, Ichigo." She said to me when we broke apart. "And don't you ever forget it."
"I won't," I said, a large smile breaking on my face.
"What's that look for?" she asked.
"Rukia…" I said, slowly sitting up. "I can see you."
Her body froze with shock, her beautiful violet eyes glistening in the light.
"You…you can see me?" she said.
I reached my hand out and placed it gently on her cheek.
"I can," I said with a laugh, rubbing her cheek softly with my thumb.
A wide smile broke out on her face as she lunged forward to kiss me once again.
"Ichigo," she said to me, placing her forehead on mine.
"I love you so much, Rukia." I said to her, kissing her gently once. "And I don't ever want to lose you again." I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul