Title: Finding The Answers

Author: virkatjol

Rating: NC-17 (mostly PG-14/16)

Summary: Kahlan and Richard endure a terrible loss, will they be able to pick up their lives again?

A/N: This was suggest by Morgenwrites which isn't surprising when we all know her love for angst. I hope I did it justice for you bb! ILU. Thanks to Pickgems for the BETA! You are a never-ending source of awesome and SPARKLES in my life. please to never be leaving. And we all know that I can't write a LICK or suck hehe without the cheerleading of Valhallalilly You are my favorite flailed. ILU GUYS! 3333 x infinity xCAKE

Chapter 1

The day she told him, it was one of the happiest days of his life. They'd ordered her favorite snacks from the kitchen: chocolate, fruit, gelatins, and other sweets filled their suite. He'd fed her and teased her until both of them were past the excitement of the news and focused on each other. They made love for hours after. He worshiped her body, paying special attention to the soft swell of her belly. (this whole paragraph feels "off" to me. It doesn't flow and is a little choppy.)

He didn't think that it could get better than this. She would walk around the Confessor Palace with a glow about her, lighting up the hallways like she lit up his world. Everyone was getting to share in the joy that their love had created. Richard never wanted to wake up from this dream world where he and Kahlan had perfection.

He certainly didn't want to be startled from sleep by a painful groan. He never imagined the feeling of his leg covered in the warm, slick, life sustaining blood as it left his wife's body.

It all felt like a horrible mistake, a nightmare that he couldn't shake himself free of. He bolted from the bed and raced down the hallway to get Zedd, hoping and praying that he wouldn't be too late. Everything had been going so well. How could this happen?

The old wizard was already at the door to his room when he reached it. This was the only time he regretted placing him so far from their bedroom.

"I had a bad feeling. I was-"

"The baby." He drew a deep breath, winded from the run. "Kahlan." Richard choked the words out as he gripped Zedd's arm tugging him to follow him down the hall.

They raced back, darting through corridors and letting doors slam behind them, not caring if they woke the whole city, only that they got to Kahlan's side. When they flew into the master bedroom, Kahlan was curled into a fetal position holding her stomach and moaning in extreme pain.

Zedd's hands removed hers before he started to try to repair the damage.

Richard sat behind her, pulling her head into his lap, stroking her hair and trying to soothe the pain he knew she was in. The bed was stained dark red with her blood. It made him want to vomit so he looked away, focusing on her face and trying to calm her down.

He glanced at Zedd's face after he had been working for a moment. He had the answer he was dreading as he watched the tear trickle down his grandfather's cheek.

The baby was gone.

It had been a week.

Kahlan hadn't left the bed in that time. Zedd had healed her as Richard held her in his arms. The palace staff had changed the sheets and cleaned the bed. She'd clung to him. She'd never held him so desperately. He had bruises on the back of his neck highlighted by crescent shaped marks where her nails had dug in; she'd clung to him like he was her only lifeline, and maybe he was.

He'd bathed her quickly. She shivered the whole time despite the warmth of the water. She'd stared at the ceiling, not wanting to watch as he cleaned the blood from her thighs. He didn't want to see it either, but he needed him to be strong for both of them, to take care of her, so he did it.

After she was clean, Richard dried her and dressed her before climbing into the fresh bedding and pulling her close, trying to keep her warm. He knew the chill that plagued her body had little to do with temperature. Finally exhaustion over took her and she slept.

She'd been so weak and so vulnerable, it scared him. Through it all, her eyes had remained dry. Not a single tear had been shed. This, above everything else, had him terrified the most. She needed to release the emotion, to let him provide her with comfort. Instead, she bottled it inside and as each day passed, she was becoming more depressed, more distant.

Richard had to force her to eat and drink. Her skin was pale and gaunt, her lips chapped. Every night he'd climb into bed with her and spoon her to him. He would pull her tightly to his chest and wrap his arms around her. He'd kiss her hair and nuzzle her neck. His mouth would graze her ear as he whispered how much he loved her and how it wasn't her fault.

No matter how much he prompted her to respond to him, she didn't. Kahlan couldn't deal with losing the baby so she decided not to deal with anything at all. He knew how much pressure was on her. She was the last confessor. It was up to her to continue the line. There was so much weight on her shoulders and he wanted to help her carry it. He was begging her to let him. She just stayed oblivious to his efforts.

At first he thought that something was physically wrong. She'd lost a lot of blood, but Zedd healed her and said that after a few days her body would compensate and her blood level would return to normal. It did as predicted, and Zedd would check on her everyday to make sure nothing had changed. He had no answers for Richard on how to shake her from her catatonic-like state.

Richard wanted his wife back. He wanted the woman he loved. He didn't care about children; he wanted them, of course, but not at the expense of her sanity. Not if this was going to be where they ended up again. He needed her. She was his best friend, confidant, springboard, his everything.

"Please, Kahlan." He whispered in her ear before letting himself drift to sleep holding her. "I just want you back. It's not your fault. I love you." He repeated the montage every night. This one was just like the others. Her eyes stared straight out and she ignored his plea.

"You don't have to do it alone." He was kneeling in front of her on the floor as she laid on the bed. She was in her favorite position, curled up into herself facing the wall. He was attempting to get her to focus on him. Sometimes it looked as thought she was, for brief moments while he was encouraging her to respond to him.

Richard stroked her hair and face. His fingertips traced the lines on her forehead and cheeks. His lips danced over the bridge of her nose and delicately fluttered across her lips.

"You weren't the only one to lose something, Kahlan." he spoke softly, yet firmly. "I lost her too." He could feel the emotion welling up inside him. He'd been withdrawn as well. He was concentrating so hard on getting her back, he didn't allow himself any time for grief. His frustration and sadness were coming to a head. His voice was rising steadily as he spoke to her. "I can't lose you too. You once told me that I'd have you forever. Do not take that away from me, Kahlan!"

He saw it right after he shouted her name. A small teardrop escaped from her eye. He wanted to screech his joy at getting her to react.

"The Midlands needs you, the people need you, but more importantly, I need you, Kahlan. Me. I'm being selfish. I can't live without you. I can't. I can help you through this and you can help me, but we need each other. At least we still have that. We lost her."

Then she weeped. The tears were a constant stream down her face now as she sucked in air and let it out in harsh, body racking sobs.

"We lost our daughter. It's horrible. No one should ever have to go through it. But don't take yourself from me too. I can't handle losing you both. Please, Kahlan, come back."

"Richard."

Her voice was dry and cracked, but it was the sweetest sound he'd ever heard. Now they could heal, together.

Kahlan extended her hand and he grasped it in his, pulling it to his mouth he kissed her knuckles before rubbing his cheek along it.

"Thank the spirits!"

"I'm sorry, Richard, so sorry… I didn't mean to-"

"Shhhh…" His finger pressed against her lips. "Don't say it. Don't blame yourself."

"But it's my-"

"No. It's an awful thing. But it's not your fault." He watched her shake her head in frustration, like he was too dumb to comprehend that it was her fault. "I won't let you have the blame."

"I deserve it."

"You don't. You deserve a lot of things." He smiled at her through his tears. "You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to live a peaceful life. No one deserves to lose a child."

She seemed to contemplate his words for a minute then her head nodded slightly.

"Hold me?"

Richard didn't answer with words, instead he climbed in behind her, like he'd been doing for over a week, but this time she snuggled back into him and pulled his arm to her chest. She hugged him to her. He heard her crying and he didn't say anything to her. He just kissed her head and held her back. He was glad that she was finally letting it out. He knew that the morning would bring a new day, a new start, a way for them to start moving on. They could start grieving together. For the first time in a long while he knew that he'd get his Kahlan back.