At first, Splinter was mildly annoyed when he found the thing had made its way into their home. Now however, his ears flattened with full on regret as he watched his young children from the other room. They had set it on the table and were gathered around staring at it: a completely nude doll (Splinter had seen signage on the surface that labeled the thing "Barbie"). It must have been buried in the box of cheap but clean-looking toys he'd brought home earlier. Upon discovering it he wished he could have thrown it out, but then amongst the grabbing hands of his sons he'd passed it around with the other toys, not having the patience to fight with a bunch of toddlers.
That momentary lapse of resolve was costing him now though. Embarrassed to be a witness, he saw the tiny replica of a human female splayed out in all its glory on his kitchen table, while his four clueless charges murmured excitedly over it.
Michelangelo tentatively took a chubby finger out of his mouth and pointed to the doll's bellybutton. "There's a h-h-h-hooooole…" he hiccupped, tears welling in his eyes. The turtle was an emotional rollercoaster that Splinter's sanity prayed was only going through a phase.
"Not a hole…" Donatello's eager hands took the doll off the table, making Leonardo's eyes grow to twice their size.
"Noooooooooo!" He whined, grabbing the doll back. "It goes here!" He slammed the doll back onto its spot on the table.
"It's not yours!"Raphael screamed as loud as he could; His default setting, unfortunately.
"It goes here!" Leonardo repeated with force. Oddly enough, both toddlers seemed to agree that on the table with no one touching it was the doll's proper spot to be. Raphael was simply, as usual, reacting to his sibling's attempts to control the universe. Michelangelo's tears turned to sobs as Donatello took advantage of his brothers' distraction to grab the doll again. Leonardo noticed its absence quickly.
"Noooo!" He yelled loudly enough to drown out Raphael, who compensated by tackling his brother. It was time for intervention.
"Enough! If you cannot share the doll then you cannot play with it." Splinter swept into the room to take up the offending toy. His young sons stopped what they were doing and stared at him.
"Doll." Donatello said with perfect diction.
Michelangelo, liquid streaming out of every orifice of his face, stumbled over and clutched the hems of his father's robe, "What's that?" He asked, looking up with the expression of a child with no hope left in this world.
Splinter sighed. "Yes, it is a doll. It…" he paused, not sure how to explain. His sons had hardly ever seen humans, and as far as he knew, they were completely unaware of the concept of "female." Splinter himself was not entirely sure what the purpose of this toy was, though he seemed to recall it had something to do with clothing. Obviously, this one was defunct. "It is a…little pretend human. But it is female…for female humans…ah…" He trailed off, not sure where he was going with this.
"Like a mommy?" Donatello whispered. Splinter glanced at the little one in surprise – he'd forgotten about that little encounter. Months ago they had been moving, all five of them, above ground when in the mouth of their alley appeared a child and his mother. The scene was brief; the boy had happily trotted down the sidewalk while his mother advised him to be careful, and then they were gone. But it made an enormous impact on the four little turtles who witnessed it. Days later, Splinter could hear them playing out the scene in their home. He couldn't recall the humans saying anything noteworthy, but his sons seemed to remember every word; particularly the word "mommy."
"Yes," Splinter let out a breath, relieved to be off the hook. "Like a mommy." His sons' eyes all turned to the doll with newfound wonder, clearly impressed by this knowledge. Splinter was left to wonder if he'd just done something else he'd regret.
Fifteen years later, Leonardo was not so impressed to find Michelangelo's rear sticking out of the fridge. "Mikey, what are you doing? You're supposed to be cleaning the – what is that?" He stared at the nude Barbie lying on their kitchen table. Its limbs were permanently twisted, its paint job had seen better days, and its head looked like a bottle cleaner, but it smiled on regardless.
"Hey Leo, look what I found when I was cleaning out those boxes!" Mike backed out of the fridge. "Remember it?"
Leo's raised eyebrow replied should I?
"Okay, why does Leo have a Barbie?" Raph walked into the kitchen and took a seat, leaning it back as far as it would go and throwing a rag over his shoulder.
"Mike found it." Leo clipped. "The point is to clean the lair, not take stuff out and put all over the place." He looked at Mikey and pointed to the doll on the table. "That doesn't go there. And, you guys, we've only been at this for thirty minutes; this is not break time."
"Chill out, Leo. I been cleanin'." Raph glared.
"Hey, I remember that thing!" Don walked into the kitchen, looking around. "Is it break time already?"
"No." Leo said pointedly.
"Don, look what I found when I was cleaning out those boxes!" Mike said.
"I remember…" Don wasted no time grabbing the doll off the table and messing with it.
"Find a new place for it or throw it away. Guys, if we just stop whenever this place is never going to get clean."
"Right," Raph rolled his eyes. "So I can't sit down for, like, two seconds or this place is gonna be dirty forever."
"I'm not throwing her away!" Mike whined.
"You can still see where I chewed on her hand." Don commented, but was drowned out by his brothers.
Splinter was not having a good day. There was a knot in his fur that was refusing to untangle no matter how much he combed it. He was just going to have to cut it out. And on his way to the kitchen he'd almost tripped over a bottle of bleach that had been mysteriously left in the hallway. So when he heard the arguing from the kitchen, his frown deepened. He walked over to his sons and the words came out before he could stop them, "If you cannot all play nice with it, then I will take it away!"
Mumbling out one thing or another, all turtles sheepishly went their separate ways; presumably to clean something. And Splinter was left looking at the naked little pretend human female toy for female humans. "Why did I not just throw you away?"
A/N: Wow, six years out of the fanfic game and I come back with this? I have no idea what inspired me to write again; both caffeine and paint fumes were involved, however. True story.
I really hope someone besides me got a giggle out of this.