Hello, everyone! So, these past few days, I've been reading a lot of angst ... and I don't know why. Anyways, the angst really got to me, and I needed to read something happy, and somehow, I found myself stumbling across the notoriously famous game, Cards Against Humanity! I got really hooked on it and a few days ago, when I was talking to one of my friends, I had this one thought, "What if the SNK crew played Cards Against Humanity?". I tried finding stories where it happens, but alas, there was none! Except for that one Ereri one, but it was only a chapter so ... yeah ... Not important! What's important is that I decided to take matters into my own hands and write one myself! So here you have it! Cards Against Humanity!
Disclaimer: I don't own SNK or Cards Against Humanity or basically any card or character in this story.
Eren woke with a jolt, eyes snapping open to the familiar grayness of the dungeon. He rubbed his eyes, blinking and yawning a few times.
What time is it?
Eren stopped. Dumbfounded, the brunet continued to stare at the opposite wall, hand frozen mid-rub. Then it hit him; there was light streaming in from under the dungeon door. There was light. The sun was already up, and Eren was still in bed!
Quickly snapping into action, Eren jumped out of bed, hurrying to change into new clothes while simultaneously running a hand through tangled brown locks.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, OH SHIT!
Levi was going to have his skin if he was late. Again.
It wasn't until he was halfway through his third attempt to correctly put on his shirt (Hey! Can you blame him? An angry Levi is a scary Levi!) when he realized something.
Oh yeah. Today's our day off.
Eren mentally slapped himself (he would've used his hand, but it was currently tangled in the sleeve of his shirt) for forgetting. Relaxing slightly, the teen managed to get his shirt on, along with his usual pants and boots, while slightly taming his messy hair. He opened the wooden dungeon door, stepping out into the empty hallway ...
… And promptly fell on his face.
The brunet pushed himself to his feet with a groan, rubbing his aching nose where it hit the floor.
"What did I trip over?"
Turning around, Eren saw a small brown parcel behind him. It was right outside the door, and after looking around and seeing nothing else that would explain his tripping, he decided this was the culprit.
"Wha …?"
Eren bent down to pick up the parcel. It was a simple thing, wrapped in neat brown parchment and tied with a thin brown string. Based on the smooth sides and sharp edges, the thing inside was probably a box. What was inside said box was anyone's guess.
The brunet turned the box, flipping it over and around, trying to find a name or something that would indicate who the package was for. After all, it couldn't be for Eren … could it?
Eren's search, however, proved futile. The only thing he found was three words, scrawled on the top in thick, neat handwriting.
Cards Against Humanity.
"Hey Eren!"
"Good morning, Eren!"
"How you doin', Eren?"
"Good to see you're finally awake, Sleeping Beauty!"
A chorus of voices greeted Eren as he sat down at his usual table for breakfast, setting the package besides him. He gave the whole group a half-hearted greeting before absentmindedly taking the bowl of porridge Armin offered him, eating slowly. Immediately, everyone knew something was wrong.
For one, Eren always greeted Armin and Mikasa individually before greeting everyone else, or in Jean's case, insulting. For another thing, Eren was holding a package in his hand. Most of the 104th squad never got packages, much less Eren. For yet another thing, Eren was eating his food calmly, not like a starved beast like he normally did. And finally, Eren had a contemplative look on his face, like he was thinking.
Eren was thinking.
Eren was thinking.
Eren was thinking.
Eren Jaeger was thinking.
Earth had stopped spinning, or Hell had frozen over, or they were all gonna die. Actually, maybe all three were going to happen! Why? Because whenever Eren thought really hard about something, bad things happened.
Everyone shared a look, before Armin spoke.
"Eren? What's that package for?"
"Huh?" The green-eyed brunet snapped out of whatever stupor he had been in, and glanced at the small package besides him.
"Oh, that. I don't know."
"What?"
"Yeah," Eren replied around a mouthful of food. Mikasa shot him a dirty look, and the brunet swallowed before explaining.
"I woke up this morning and I tripped on this thing and fell on my face-"
"What a second," Connie said, pointing a butter knife in Eren's direction.
"You fell on your face? Where were we when this happened?!"
Eren scowled, and in a very mature move, stuck his tongue out at the bald boy.
"You were here, eating breakfast. And that's not important. Anyways, the hallway was empty, so I didn't know who put the package there and I couldn't find a name on it either. The only words on this thing are these three." He poked a finger at the words on the top of the package, turning the box around so everyone could see the them.
"'Cards Against Humanity?'" Krista asked, confused.
"Yup."
"What do you think these are?" Reiner snorted in response to Armin's question.
"I don't know, cards perhaps?" Eren and Mikasa shot the tall blonde a dark glare.
"Yeah, but what do you think is on the cards?"
"Ooh! Maybe food recipes! Food~" Everyone chuckled and laughed at Sasha's love for food. Honestly, it was like all she thought about was food.
"It does say 'Cards Against Humanity' …" Armin trailed off, thinking. Then he suddenly gasped, horrified. "What if these really are cards against humanity?!"
Everyone stared at the blonde, confused.
"… I thought we already establish that these are cards …" Jean said, trailing off. Armin facepalmed.
"No! You don't understand! What if 'Cards Against Humanity' are cards with plans on them to attack humanity?! They are 'Against Humanity' after all! And Eren found these! Remember, how Commander Erwin thought perhaps the other titan-shifters were trying to capture Eren? What if this is like a plan to recruit Eren?"
"… By telling me all their evil plans? That doesn't make sense." Mikasa slapped Eren on the head.
Everyone, except for Eren who was currently rubbing his head in pain, thought about what the blonde had said. It really wasn't that far fetched. The words on the box were pretty suspicious to begin with, and it made sense that the titan-shifters trying to destroy humanity would have plans.
"Perhaps giving these plans to Eren was a plan to show Eren that they trusted him, but like he said, that doesn't make sense." Armin started. Ymir, Krista, Connie, Sasha, Jean, and Mikasa nodded while Reiner and Bertholdt sat awkwardly to the side. In fact, if anyone looked closely at the duo, they would've noticed just how nervous the two were, if Bertholdt's extreme sweating was anything to go by.
"In that case, shouldn't we bring these to Commander Erwin?" Krista asked, worriedly. Before anyone could reply, Sasha began to speak.
"But what if the cards with the plans to destroy humanity are fake plans, and the real plan is for Eren to bring the fake plans to Commander Erwin so we would all freak out and make plans to counter the fake plans, but since the fake plans are decoys, then the titan-shifters would be able to use their real plan which would be unexpected since humanity had prepped for the fake plans …?"
The rest of the group started blankly at the brunette.
"Okay … I don't think I've ever heard the word 'plan' so many times in my life, and I only caught half of all that …" Eren trailed unsurely.
"Even so," Mikasa started, "we can't just ignore the chance that the cards have something important on them. After breakfast, we should show Commander Erwin this." Armin and Eren nodded their heads in agreement.
"You guys wanna come with us? It'll be weird if it's just Mikasa, Eren, and I."
Reiner and Bertholdt shook their heads. "Even though it's our day off, we still gotta clean the stables, the kitchen, and the hallways as our punishment …"
Connie and Eren snickered, remembering how the two have somehow managed to track mud and dirt and other filthy things all the way from the stables to the kitchen without realizing it. Levi looked so pissed, they were almost expecting the corporal to rip off Reiner and Bertholdt's heads.
Ymir shook her head too. "I'd love to join ya, but I've got better things to spend a free day on …" She left the sentence open, and after the exaggerated wink she sent a blushing Krista, no one questioned what they were going to do.
Connie shrugged. "I'll come with ya guys." Sasha nodded enthusiastically in agreement. Jean rolled his eyes. "There's nothing better to do …"
Armin smiled. "Great!"
With that out of the way, everyone went back to breakfast, trying to forget about the dangerous cards.
Eren stood before the wooden door that would lead to the Commander's office. Armin and Mikasa stood to his left and right respectively while Sasha, Jean, and Connie were a bit further behind. With a deep breath, Eren raised his hand to knock on the door.
However, before he could knock, the door swung open to reveal a mildly pissed Lance Corporal.
"Oi, brat, what do you want?" Eren gulped. This wasn't exactly what he planned, but…
"Umm, we came here to see Commander Erwin …" Levi arched a brow.
"Oh? What for?" Eren held out the package do the corporal could see the words.
"I found this right outside the dungeon today when I woke up and the words on here are a little suspicious so I- we- thought that, well, we should umm … Tell the commander?" This was not the plan. Eren was supposed to say everything confidently to the commander, not stutter like an idiot to the corporal!
Then again, who wouldn't freak out with those silver eyes staring at you like they're looking straight into your soul?
Levi sighed. "And none of your shitty friends know where this … thing came from either?" Eren nodded, gesturing towards Armin, Mikasa, Sasha, Connie, and Jean.
"That's actually what we're here for … Umm, we were worried this box contained … um …" Levi gave Eren an annoyed look as if telling the boy to get to the point, but Eren couldn't help it! When he was talking with his friends, the idea that the box contained attack plans seemed so likely, but now, under the scrutinous gaze of the corporal, it seemed silly and unlikely.
Armin, seeing his friend's distress, decided to step in and help.
"We thought the box was a little suspicious, especially considering how it has the words 'Cards Against Humanity' on it. We were told to report anything suspicious to the commander, or other higher ups, and since this seemed pretty suspicious, we thought we'd show the commander." Levi frowned slightly, but nodded, moving to the side of the doorway.
"Come in. Erwin's not here actually, and we aren't sure when he'll be back, but you can wait here with us." The group of six filed cautiously into Commander Erwin's office, standing awkwardly in the center of the room.
"Eren! What're you guys doing here?" Green eyes widened slightly in shock as he looked at Hanji. He decided not to question it though. Whatever caused Hanji and Levi to wait in this room together for the commander was probably private … and best left unknown anyways.
"Umm, we came here to tell Commander Erwin about this box we found …" Eren once more held out the package for viewing. However, unlike all the others, instead of observing the box carefully, Hanji gasped.
"Is that what I think it is?"
"Huh?" Hanji took the parcel from Eren's hands, setting the box on what was probably the commander's desk. The scientist pulled at the knot, untying the string, and then proceeded to open the parcel.
"Hey, Shitty Glasses, don't touch that thing!" It was too late though. By the time Levi called out the warning, Hanji had already unfolded the brown wrapping and pulled out the object inside.
"Yes! I knew it!" Hanji spun around, her eyes bright and shining. A cardboard box with a shiny black outer cover was clutched tightly in her hand as she waved it in the air.
"What the fuck is that thing and why are you so excited about it?!" Levi demanded as he stalked towards the scientist.
Hanji let out a laugh, slamming the box down on the Commander's desk as if putting it on display. "Cards Against Humanity! This is only one of the best games ever!"
Eren shared a blank look with his friends.
A game, huh? Who would've guessed.
Reviews and card requests are always welcome!
-Silver