Clean
By piperholmes
A/N: From a Tumblr prompt asking for a fic where Rollins supports or helps Carisi in some way. It's a short fic but I hope it serves.
Un'betad
It was late. He knew it was late, but she'd told him, she'd said it would be fine.
Still he hesitated, his hand hovering above the door.
He thought about the baby, hopefully fast asleep, and he felt his resolve falter, his hand lowering.
But he didn't leave.
He just stood there in the hallway. No where to go.
She's gone.
His breath hitched and he forced the lump in his throat down. He had no where to go.
With a deep sigh he raised his fist once more and gently knocked, not willing to risk waking anyone who may be sleeping.
After a few moments he knocked once again, with only slightly more pressure, but still softly enough that a person would need to be paying attention to hear.
Her injuries were too severe. I'm sorry detective.
He didn't know what he wanted right now, but he knew there was something here.
He refused to knock again, refused to put himself above their needs, but silently he pleaded her to open.
The soft click sent his bowed head up, her tired blue eyes met his and he felt a some of the tension leave.
"I'm sorry. I know it's late, I…" He didn't know how to say it.
She just gave him a small sad smile because she understood. She knew how to say it.
"It's alright," she answered quietly. "Come on in."
He followed her in, her apartment dimly light by the pale yellow light of a single lamp in the corner of the living room. A stack of laundry sat near the couch, the flickering lights of the muted TV dancing about.
Amanda shrugged. "Jesse finally just went down. Once I know she's good and out I can turn it back up if you want."
She plopped down on the couch and reached for another onsie to fold.
Carisi stood there awkwardly, trying to reconcile the easy domesticity of the moment with the chaotic terror that played in his mind.
Rollins just kept folding, not pressuring, not expecting, just working.
Carisi slowly peeled his jacket off, setting it aside before he sat down next to her, grabbing a small pink shirt, carefully folding it with his long fingers. They worked quietly, the clean sent of freshly laundered clothes a sweet relief to the stench of the day, as some medial drama silently played out before them.
We need a bus!
"She died."
Rollins hands slowed. "I know. Liv called."
"I was holdin' 'er, and then she just…her little hand let go."
Amanda nodded before bending down and grabbing a handful of tiny socks and handing them to him to match and roll.
Carisi…Carisi…Detective! You need to let her go.
"Her father is going to prison for the rest of his life," Rollins offered. "It doesn't mean much, but it's something. That little girl didn't die alone Carisi. And in this job, sometimes, that's the best we can hope for."
A whimper sounded through the monitor, and Amanda gave a small groan. "Hang on. Hopefully she's just spit out her pacifier."
But Sonny was already on his feet, the small stack of rolled socks in his hands. "Do…d'you mind if I?"
Rollins waved him away. "Go ahead."
Sonny made his way easily to Rollin's room, waiting a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness before stepping over to the crib.
Jesse had managed to work an arm out of her swaddle, whimpering softly, missing her pacie.
With the skill born of being raised in a big family, around children, expected to pull his weight, he loosened her blanket enough to tuck her arm back in and swaddle her again, before he lifted her up, and offered her the lost pacie. He swayed back and forth, her solid warmth welcomed in his arms.
She fell back to sleep immediately, mostly because she hadn't truly awoken, merely fussing an infant's dilemma of being nearly awake, but Sonny held on to her a few minutes more. Wanting her to not be afraid, and to know she was safe, before he carefully lowered her back down.
He had to blink when he stepped back into the light of the hall, realizing that he felt exhausted and less…sad.
Rollins had finished the laundry, setting it aside and sat curled up on the couch, remote in her hand. She looked up at him expectantly.
"Just the pacie, like you thought." He whispered, his voice sounding horse.
Her brow went up. "Pacie?"
He was confused a moment, then realized. "Oh, yeah, that's what we call a pacifier in my family."
Rollins smirked. "Pacie, it's cute."
"I guess I should get outta here," he began. "It's gettin' late and you looked beat."
Her expression grew sardonic, and a little amused. "Sit down. You can watch this with me and then tell me what happens at the end of the episode after I fall asleep."
"You sure?"
She shifted her feet a little closer to her body, emphasizing there was enough room for them both. "Yeah, I always miss the end these days. I never know how the story ends."
Sonny moved to sit down, pausing at first to grab the blanket that draped along the back of the couch, holding it up in offering. At Amanda's nod, he laid it over her then sat down, not arguing when she shift the blanket enough to cover his legs.
She turned the sound on the TV up some, but they would both still have to rely on the caption to be able to follow the story. When it went to commercial Sonny turned to her.
"Thanks Amanda."
She looked at him sleepily. "She can work miracles on a person," she said, nodding towards the bedroom.
"Yeah, she can," he agreed easily, pausing before adding. "But she's not the only one."
She looked at him a moment longer, and he thought she might argue or say something teasing, anything to deflect his comment, but he saw her relax more fully into the couch and she gave him a genuine smile. "I'm glad we could help Carisi. We're here anytime."
For the first time in days he felt warm.
He felt safe.
He felt clean.
Thanks for reading!