Dumbledore!
Harry cheered and threw his arms up in the air. Sure enough there was the kooky headmaster, tossing back a bag of Bertie bots jelly beans.
"What are you doing here Dumbledore? I haven't had any near death experiences lately, and as far as I know it no ones died."
Harry squinted his eyes in intense concentration trying to think of an explanation for this unexpected visit. He looked at the ceiling as if it held the answer.
"AH HA!" He cheered, putting one finger up in the air. "I'm dead right? I must have died some time during the night, perhaps for a premature embolism! or perhaps a case of severe hives brought on by a faulty jinxing. One of Fred and Georges experiments went terribly wrong, and now they are cowering in the common room trying to think of an explanation for my sudden and mysterious demise."
He looked to see if Dumbledore was following along and nodding in agreement.
Dumbledore was not paying attention to Harry's brilliant deduction, he was busy probing the small empty bag for jelly beans with his magical tong.
"Fiddlesticks!" He said and tossed the bag behind him. "They are all gone."
He then stooped down to Harry's eye level and very seriously looked down at him from behind his glasses. He pointed one gnarly twisted finger. "The parrots packing it's suitcase Harry." He said.
As if that had any meaning to the boy who lived! "What you mean like Fawks? Did you two have a fight?"
Dumbledore nodded "No." he said. "The parrot only does that when death is near."
"So I am not dead?" Harry asked.
"Oh no you did die, Fred and George are being severely punished, but we brought you back to life." Said the headmaster matter-of-factly.
"WHAT!" Harry shouted, shaking his arms around like noodles. "You mean all this time you've had the technology to bring the dead back to life and you've let me stay a miserable orphan? How could you!"
"Well what did you think Harry, we're magical! Of course we can bring the dead back to life. that would be just ridiculous and pompous if we couldn't." He patted Harry on the cheek and pointed one finger into the air.
"The point is, that something went terribly wrong." He added darkly.
Harry's face paled, "What do you mean by wrong? Have my man bits atrophied?"
"No, you have six eyes." The headmaster corrected.
"AHH!" The boy who lived raised his hands to his forehead to check.
"There not on you're forehead."
Harry's eyes widened, and his lifted the hem of his pants to look down inside. "That's very kinky..." he mumbled.
"So", Harry said, "What does that parrot have to do with anything?"
Dumbledore grunted, obviously annoyed. He grabbed Harry's shoulders and began to shake him furiously. the boys head wobbled back and forth like a bobble head.
"VOLDEMORT HARRY! Voldemort is coming!"
"HO shit! Quick assemble the army! Get me my weapons...find me a towel! I need to shower!" Harry jumped out of bed and began franticly trying to dress himself.
"There's no time Harry he's already here!" Dumbledore roared, he took out his wand to zap Harry away.
Harry hand only one leg in his jeans, "No wait-" he cried.
"No worries Harry, Ron's the one that will be defeating Voldemort, not you!" Dumbledore yelled before everything went black.
-
"Bitch ass!" Harry said as he appeared outside in some field. He yanked up his pants and looked around. There were wizards running around two and fro like ants. Spells were flying through the air.
"Hmmph! why does Ron get to defeat the dark lord!" Harry stomped his feet, "That's not fair! It's my job!"
Hermione and Ron appeared behind him.
"It's because we've got to keep you crisp and fresh Harry!" Herm said "No worries Ronald will be doing all the killing for you! "
Ron mumbled and dragged his foot through the dirt. "I don't see why I have to be the one doing all the work..."
Hermione slapped him upside the head. "Well you're the one whose always bitching about being the sidekick!"
Harry tried to interrupt his best friends squabbling. "Uh, you guys-" He was interrupted by a bomb exploding at their feet.
"AHAHAHAA! I Voldemort shall kill you were you stand Harry Potter!" Said lord Voldemort.
Harry crawled away backwards from his certain doom. "uhh, no thanks. Ron! Ron, he's taking my place. He'll be defeating you today." Harry glanced behind him to find that Ron was currently unconscious.
'crap.' He thought.
"No! You're clever ruse will not fool this Voldemort! IMPERIO!" Sparks shot out of the dark lords wand and hit Harry.
Harry wreathed on the ground, trying to resist the spell. But he failed.
"Yes Potter, you are no match for the mighty power of my wang!" Cried Voldemort in victory.
Harry snickered. "Did you just say wang? HA!" He began laughing.
"Stop making fun of me potter! Abbra cadabra!" A huge pole appeared in front of Harry potter.
"Now bash you're head off of this pole until you die!" He who must not be names placed his hands on his hips and looked down upon the boy who lived. Victory was written clear across his ugly pasty face.
'who will come to save me?' Thought Harry, as he beat himself to death.
Ron stood up and walked over to the asshole who was killing his best friend. "Father, stop this now!"
Voldemort twitched, Could it really be? "My son is that you?"
"Truly," Ron said before pulling off his flaming red locks, revealing a pasty bald head, "Tis I, you're long lost son."
Voldemort began crying and embraced his son, " I thought I'd lost you after the factory exploded"
Ron shook his head. "no, i was able to make repairs and upgrade. Please stop this killing poppa!"
Voldemort snarled and shoved his robot son away from him. "Never! Look the great potter is almost dead! Muyahaha!"
Ron sighed, "Then you leave me no choice poppa." He stepped back and his arms turned into axes.
"HUWA!" he said, then chopped off Voldemort's hands.
"CURSES! My wang hands are gone. I die!" With that Voldemort fell to the ground, foam streaming from his mouth. within seconds he was reduced to a pile of ashes, and
Harry was released from the imperio curse.
Ron walked over to his good chum and knelt beside him. "Harry can you hear me?"
Harry's forehead was gushing blood. "Yes Ron, I heard everything! How could you have deceived me all these years!"
Harry had made a miraculous recovery!
Ron clenched his fists. "I'm sorry, I never told you that I was secretly Voldemort's robot son!"
"That's ok!" Harry said, "Can I borrow you're wand for a sec?" Harry asked. He picked up the wand and cast a spell.
A large grey dog appeared next to Voldy's ashes. It lifted it's leg and began peeing on the pile.
Harry grinned, "What a perfect ending!"
Harry blinked. "Wait a sec, Where'd Herm go?"
Ron blinked too. "Oh, she died."
Harry nodded his head. "Huh."
sigh...I hate this story. I wonder if hannah remembers this..