Disclaimer: I own nothing; I'm just borrowing both shows and combining them for fun. Enjoy!
Note: This fanfic is in screenplay format; that's why the actions are in caps. I'm not trying to violate the terms of agreement.
Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, Kelso/Brooke, Fez/someone we know, Red/Kitty
"That Pirates Show"
OPEN ON THE TOWN OF PORT PLACE. THE SHIP EMERALD LEAF SAILS INTO THE OUTER HARBOR AND DROPS ANCHOR.
CUT TO:
THE HELM. STANDING AT THE WHEEL IS THE CAPTAIN, STEVEN HYDE. ONCE THE SHIP IS FIRMLY ANCHORED, HE WALKS DOWN TO THE MAIN DECK AND APPROACHES HIS FIRST MATE; IT'S LEO.
HYDE:
Leo, man, I'm goin' ashore to recruit some new crewmembers. You're in charge until I get back.
LEO:
(With an easygoing, spacey grin) Cool, man. It may not look like it, but I can be a real hard-ass when I want to.
HYDE GRINS.
HYDE:
Whatever, man. Later.
HYDE CLIMBS DOWN INTO A ROWBOAT AND HEADS FOR SHORE.
CUT TO:
PORT PLACE DOCKS. STANDING ON THE DOCKS ARE DONNA, ERIC, AND KITTY. THEY ARE ALL WAITING FOR HYDE TO COME IN.
KITTY
Well, I am just so excited about Steven coming to visit. He doesn't visit often enough. That musty ship is no place for such a sweet boy. (She laughs her signature laugh.)
ERIC:
(Nervously) Hyde better be careful. The Navy finds out he's here, he's gonna get arrested.
DONNA:
(Sarcastically) With who's in charge around here, I'd like to see that.
BY NOW, HYDE HAS PULLED HIS ROWBOAT UP TO THE DOCKS AND HAS TIED IT UP. HE CLIMBS ONTO THE DOCK.
HYDE:
(To ERIC, DONNA, and KITTY) Hey.
KITTY:
(Rushes forward and hugs HYDE) Oh Steven, we missed you! You need to come visit more often.
HYDE:
(Uncomfortable) I know. (KITTY is still hugging him) Mrs. Forman, I can't breathe.
KITTY LETS GO AT THAT REMARK, AND LAUGHS.
KITTY:
Oopsie! Oh, Steven, I'm just so happy to see you.
HYDE GOES AND HUGS DONNA AND IS SHAKING ERIC'S HAND WHEN FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. DONNA TURNS AND LOOKS BEHIND HER.
DONNA:
(Worried) Oh no...
THE CAMERA TURNS TO SHOW THE MILITARY COMMANDER OF PORT PLACE, COMMODORE MICHAEL KELSO, MARCHING TOWARDS THEM WITH A GROUP OF SOLDIERS FOLLOWING BEHIND. HIS SECOND-IN-COMMAND, LIEUTENANT FEZ, IS WITH HIM. THE GROUP STOPS IN FRONT OF HYDE, AND KELSO, WEARING A BIG, DOPEY GRIN, MOTIONS TO FEZ, WHO STEPS FORWARD WITH A SET OF HANDCUFFS.
FEZ:
(Guilty) I am sorry, Hyde, but I must arrest you because you are a pirate.
KELSO STEPS FORWARD, POINTS AT HYDE, AND LAUGHS LIKE AN IDIOT.
KELSO:
BURN!
HYDE SAYS NOTHING, BUT IN A SPLIT SECOND, HIS HANDS SHOOT FORWARD, SMACKING KELSO IN THE CHEST HARD. KELSO TEETERS ON THE EDGE OF THE DOCK FOR A MINUTE, HIS ARMS WHIRLING LIKE WINDMILLS IN AN EFFORT TO KEEP HIS BALANCE, BEFORE HE FALLS INTO THE HARBOR WITH A HUGE SPLASH. HYDE, DONNA, AND ERIC BURST OUT LAUGHING, AND THE GROUP OF SOLDIERS ARE STRUGGLING TO KEEP STRAIGHT FACES. KELSO SURFACES A FEW SECONDS LATER, SPLUTTERING.
KELSO:
(Angrily) Not nice, Hyde!
FEZ PANICS.
FEZ:
Don't worry, Kelso! I will save you!
FEZ JUMPS INTO THE HARBOR AND HELPS KELSO TO A LADDER NEARBY. THEY CLIMB ONTO THE DOCKS AGAIN, DRIPPING WET AND KELSO POUTING. FEZ DISMISSES THE GROUP OF SOLDIERS, WHO HEAD BACK TO THE FORT, LAUGHING QUIETLY AT THE INEPTNESS OF THEIR TWO SENIOR COMMANDERS. AS THEY PASS BY, BROOKE KELSO, THE TOWN LIBRARIAN, WALKS ONTO THE PIER AND STARES AT HER HUSBAND, TRYING HARD NOT TO LAUGH.
BROOKE:
(With a patient smile) Michael, what did I tell you about trying to catch dolphins?
KELSO:
(Spastically) This wasn't a dolphin, Brooke. (Turns and points at Hyde) Hyde pushed me and I fell in!
BROOKE ROLLS HER EYES AND LAUGHS, THEN GOES UP TO KELSO AND KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK.
BROOKE:
Ok, Michael...whatever you say. I've got to go pick up Betsy from my Mother's. I'll see you back at the fort.
KELSO GRINS A BIG DOPEY GRIN AT HER AS SHE LEAVES. FEZ TURNS TO KELSO
FEZ:
Come on, Kelso...let's go back to the fort and I will help you fix your hair into your "Commodore's 'do" again.
KELSO GRINS AT FEZ
KELSO:
Aw, thanks, Little Buddy.
FEZ:
(His smile vanishes) That's Lieutenant Little Buddy to you, you son-of-a-bitch!
AT THIS MOMENT, HYDE, ERIC, AND DONNA, AND KITTY WALK BY. KELSO AND FEZ SUDDENLY REMEMBER WHY THEY CAME DOWN TO THE DOCKS AND FEZ HEADS OVER TO HYDE.
FEZ:
(To HYDE) Hyde, you are under arrest.
HYDE FROGGS FEZ AS HE WALKS BY.
HYDE:
Get bent.
FEZ GRIMACES IN PAIN AND HOLDS HIS ARM.
FEZ:
Ai!
KELSO ATTEMPTS TO STOP HYDE, BUT HE DOESN'T SEE THE BOOM FROM A SHIP'S MAST OVERHANGING HIS PATH. HE RUNS RIGHT INTO IT, CROWNING HIMSELF GOOD.
KELSO:
OW! MY EYE!
HE STAGGERS AROUND, HOLDING HIS EYE IN PAIN. HE THEREFORE DOES NOT SEE THE PLANK ON THE DOCK THAT IS STICKING UP. HE TRIPS ON IT, STUMBLES, AND PROCEEDS TO FALL INTO THE HARBOR AGAIN.
KELSO:
(Off-screen, in the water) Damn it! That's the third time today!
END SCENE
Up Next: Where's Red? A party at the Governor's Mansion, and one of Hyde's new crewmembers turns out to be really annoying...
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