I'm No Hero
Disclaimer: I don't own FF7 in any way, and that includes everything in the game, from characters to setting to dialogue. I don't own the song I'm using, either. All credit for the song goes to the Goo Goo Dolls. Iris is a beautiful song, and the mental image of Cloud singing to Aeris's final resting place struck me while listening to it earlier. So, here it is. This is my second songfic, the first that I'm posting here, so please be gentle.
Summary: A year after Sephiroth's defeat, Cloud is having problems. He has skipped out on all the ceremonies honoring the "Heroes of Meteor," and never explained why. He's withdrawn into himself again, and finally, after apparently getting so close to Tifa, he left her at the altar. What could be wrong with Cloud? Read to find out.
Cloud Strife walked towards the pool of water that bore so much significance to him, his boots thudding coldly on the stone floor. His mind – healed as it was – was flashing back to the last time he was at this pool, and what he had done here. He remembered lifting her up in his arms, refusing to let anyone else touch her. He remembered the tears that streamed openly from his face, falling into the pool and forever becoming a part of – corrupting, he thought – the serene pool of water as he stepped into it, uncaring of the water soaking into his boots and pants.
He remembered laying Aeris Gainsborough to rest here, her body floating for but a moment before sinking peacefully down to the bottom of the pool, her hair flowing softly around her beautiful head.
He knew that Cid was nearby, not wanting to be out of reach in case his friend needed him, but knowing that privacy was a major issue in this regard. Cid was the only one who even knew where Cloud was...he hadn't informed the others that he'd found him, at the request of the blonde mercenary. Now they were in the City of the Ancients, specifically at Aeris's resting place...so Cloud could do something he needed to do.
Cloud moved around the pool, his mournful, soulful eyes staring unblinking at the water that now hid Aeris from sight. She was down there, he knew, unless something very, very wrong had occurred. But that wasn't what he was here for, to check and see if she was here. He was here because he was no hero.
The world seemed to think he was. He had been invited to so many different ceremonies to honor the "Heroes of Meteor," that he began to wonder if perhaps the entire world had gone insane. He had never viewed himself as a hero, not really. Barret, Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Cait Sith, Reeve, Aeris – especially Aeris – and even Vincent were all heroes. They all fought to bring light back to the world. They all fought to make the next day better for others, even if that meant surrendering their today.
Cloud viewed himself differently. He hadn't really been fighting for tomorrow. He hadn't been fighting for himself, sure – he didn't give a damn about himself – but he hadn't been fighting for others, either. He'd been fighting for one person, and one person only – the woman he loved. The only woman he'd ever loved.
He'd been fighting for Aeris. He'd been fighting so that Sephiroth would feel the pain – brief, as it was – that Aeris had felt when the Masamune entered her body. He wanted Sephiroth to feel his life drain out of him, to feel the power ebb and recede, to feel his skin grow cold and his body grow sluggish. He had wanted to take revenge on the psychotic for Aeris's death.
Now he was being honored as a hero. He was no hero. He was just a man who was doing what he could to avenge the life of the woman he loved. He had been doing what any man would do, any man that could truly call himself a man. Sure, some sought justice through the law, and when that worked, that was great. But somehow, Cloud couldn't help but chuckle at the thought of Sephiroth in the Defendant's chair, a lawyer cross-examining Hojo to ascertain the details of Sephiroth's birth.
There was more than that, though. He'd tried to love Tifa, he had. He'd spent almost a year of his life forcing himself to pretend to love her, without ever really feeling it. He wasn't sure if Tifa knew, but if she did, she kept up appearances, probably for the sake of the others. 'Bless her' Cloud thought to himself, knowing that he wouldn't have the strength to do the same. He hadn't, in fact.
He was supposed to have gotten married a week ago. Tifa had proposed, and before Cloud had realized what he was doing, the charade so instinctual at this point that he didn't even think about it, he'd said yes. He was afraid to back out then, though Tifa had gone out of her way to make sure he knew he could. Perhaps that had been her way of saying that she'd understand, but Cloud had never known and never wanted to risk hurting a friend, so he assured her that he had accepted her proposal and intended to marry her.
Then he hadn't shown up for the ceremony. He couldn't believe he'd just skipped out like that, but he couldn't have shown up there, no matter what. He couldn't marry her, couldn't enter into a loveless marriage that he would be too afraid of hurting her to get out of...and he couldn't show up at the old church that had been rebuilt specifically for the occasion only to confess that he couldn't marry her.
So he'd skipped town and fled. He'd gone first to the Chocobo farm and then straight on to Junon, where he caught a ship to Costa del Sol. He had purchased the villa there on his last visit, and had fled there to hide out – either from the others, the world, or himself, he wasn't sure. Either way, Cid had found him, and after some lengthy explanations, the pair of them decided what was for the best.
So here Cloud was, standing still now, gazing into the depths of the water as if Aeris's body would just suddenly float up to the surface. Finally, after several awkward minutes, Cloud realized that he had better get this over with, given that Cid was waiting. But for some reason, it just wouldn't come. He had to say good-bye, something he hadn't been able to do when Sephiroth had so cruelly silenced her forever.
Now, it looked like he would be silent forever, too. And, just when he had given up on it, he began to sing, and for some unexplainable reason, he was confessing to her how he felt, not only about her, but also about how he viewed himself, as well.
Cloud: And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now!
Cid glanced up as Cloud's voice echoed down the corridors, but when he realized that it was only singing he grinned and put his head back down. Cloud: And all I can taste is this moment
Cloud: And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight!
And it was true, it was true. Cloud had missed her ever since she'd died, and the nights were the worst. He crouched down at the edge of the pool, brushing his fingertips lightly across the water, sending tiny little ripples out from his fingers.
Cloud: And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.
Cloud sighed and got up, shaking his head and beginning to walk back. Strangely enough, a gust of wind blew by, and there was the hint of a female voice on it, whispering his name. Cloud turned, looking at the pool oddly for a moment before cautiously making his way back.
Cloud: And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive!
Cloud couldn't believe his ears. Had Aeris spoken to him? That was impossible! She was dead, dead and gone! ...But how had the gust of wind occurred, then? They were underground! And the voice...as whispery as it was, it had been hers. Cloud was sure of that. He'd just have to sing again, and see what happened.
Cloud: And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am!
Cloud looked experimentally at the pool of water, expecting something – anything – to happen. He waited several moments before sighing again, but cutting himself off as he saw one bubble rise to the surface and pop. Cloud hurriedly continued to sing, hoping for more results of the same kind.
Cloud: And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am!
The bubbles were increasing line by line, and something else began to happen. The water began to ripple, like something was rising up from the depths, and then finally, at the height of Cloud's last line; the soaking wet form of Aeris burst from the surface of the water, apparently standing on it.
Cloud: I just want you to know who I am!
Aeris smiled and walked over to Cloud, brushing her fingertips along his cheek before leaning in and kissing him. It was only a brief second before Aeris pulled away. Cloud tried to speak, but Aeris pressed her index and middle fingers over his mouth, shaking her head. Cloud looked at her, confused, and she stepped back, turning and making her way across the water, back to where she had burst forth.
Cloud: I just want you to know who I am!
Aeris smiled again as she began to sink back into the water. "Tell Cid to keep dreaming," Aeris said, her collar disappearing under the water. Cloud stepped forward frantically, splashing into the water, but Aeris shook her head.
Cloud: I just want you to know who I am!
Aeris smiled a loving, caring, genuine smile and said, "You'll always be a hero to me, Cloud." That was the last thing that she said, as her mouth went under the water, followed shortly by the rest of her head. Cloud stood, dumbfounded and emotionally drained, as he watched Aeris's body sink to the depths again. Finally, after several long minutes, and after, he imagined, she had reached the bottom of the pool, Cloud turned and trudged out of the water. He trudged back around the pool and past a dumbfounded and confused Cid. Cid grabbed Cloud by the arm and spun him around, his gaze shocked. "Damnit Cloud, what happened in there?"
Cloud looked back towards the room he'd just come from, and thought on Aeris's last words. Either she was alive, or had been allowed back to help him. Either way, she didn't seem to want her presence known to the others. Still.... Just then, there was another gust of wind, and the whispery voice of Aeris was on it yet again.
I'll always love you...we'll meet again.
Cloud smiled, truly smiled, for the first time in a long time. "Nothing," he replied, before turning and heading out, leaving a confused and somewhat upset Cid to follow.