Here we are again.
Why must it always come to this?
Why does it always come to this?
What do I keep doing to have the same outcome happen every time?
When will I get it right?
Will I ever get it right?
How will I know if I get it right?
When he's safe?
No..Not just that, happiness.
His happiness.
That's the most important thing.
What he's feeling isn't right.
That.
That I know.
He deserves better. So much better.
I'm only hurting him every time I come back though.
What's the point?
What am I accomplishing?
What I'm doing is cruel.
To give him this safety, this acceptance, peace, this 'love' only to rip it away because I didn't think ahead.
To get so close.
Perhaps it is better than the alternative, but not by much I'm sure.
"K-kaworu? What's happening?"
I can't look at him. I can't tell him.
I can't tell him.
I can't tell him what he just set in motion.
What we just set in motion.
The choker is flickering.
I suppose that means something. Probably a timer of sorts.
I don't have a lot of time left…
"It's another impact."
"W-what?! H-How?!"
I can't do this.
It, this hurts.
Is this hurt?
Isn't it?
My chest feels tight.
I feel…
"Its… I-its my fault...I..I did it again."
"No, Shinji, look at me. This isn't you Shinji. It activated because of me. It's ok"
The collar began to whir, little crystals appearing and rotating around my throat.
Shinji went quiet, tears pouring steadily from his bright eyes.
I wish I could help him.
I want to touch him. One last time to comfort him.
No, not just to comfort him. I know in my heart that desire is only for my selfish craving.
I placed my hand on the unseen screen between us. I hope he understands what I'm trying to convey. What I need from him.
I did something wrong.
His face twisted horrifically and he looked away from me.
"No! NO! I won't let this happen! I won't let you die too! I..I'll save you! I won't.." He broke off into sobs.
His fist collided against the controls, beating them, desperately trying to do something.
I don't understand.
What was he trying to achieve?
Was he trying to remove the screen?
Was he trying to stop what was happening?
What was he trying to achieve?
"Shinji?"
He's Ignoring me.
He continues to pound the dashboard and scream himself hoarse.
My hand still lays on the screen.
"Shinji, it's ok, I knew this might happen. I knew this was the risk."
"No! Shut up, shut up! I'm going to save you." His voice trailed and broke during the second sentence.
I don't know what world I'm leaving him to, but whatever suffering follows him will be my fault.
Mine and mine alone.
I refuse to leave any part of this burden on him.
"Shinji."
I need him to look at me, I need him to understand.
"I love you."
"Please...Please don't…Don't do this. Don't leave me please."
If it were that simple.
You would never be without me by your side.
I never truly leave though do I.
His hand finally comes up to mine and I feel a strange sense of peace.
There always is a small moment of tranquility before the end.
I'm sorry.
This isn't the happiness you wished for.
I love you.
I'm sorry I failed you again.
I can almost feel his heat of his hand between the screen.
I feel a grotesque happiness fill my chest.
It makes me ill.
I don't want him to hurt.
I don't want him to hurt.
I don't want this.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so very sorry.
I want to cry.
I can't cry.
I have to be strong for him.
I have to appear strong for him.
I'm so sorry.
I couldn't do more.
I couldn't give him the happiness he deserves.
Bright blinding pain strikes and travels for a moment, then it's gone.
Silence
It's quiet now…
It's quiet and I am cold and blind...
One day…
One day I will get this right.
One day I will create a perfect world for you.
One day I will give you the happiness you deserve.