The Things We Settle For
Harry loved quidditch. That's what I always think about when I watch the games. He lived for it. Or maybe it was the flying. He never really told me. But I think he liked the idea that when he was flying, nothing could touch him. It was just him, the broom and time. That must have been a great feeling.
I think he'd like to be out there. I think he would have wanted to fly. Had he been given a choice, I'm almost positive that's what he would have done.
Dozier catches the snitch and the game is over. The students all start heading back inside, as does the rest of the staff, but I sit and watch a while longer, imagining that if I look long enough he'll be there.
But he never is. No matter how long I sit there, or how much I think about it, it doesn't change the fact that he isn't coming back.
I know it won't be long before someone comes to look for me, probably Ron. And that's when I start fidgeting with the ring again. Its bright red, and large, and worth more than he can probably afford. We're both teachers, and with both our salaries I think we'll be able to manage, but I think we both know we'll have to find different jobs when the baby comes.
I turn the ring over and over on my finger. Upside down, right sides up, upside down, twist and turn and pull and tug and push. It never seems to fit right.
He loves me, I tell myself. He'll take care of me, no matter what. He never breaks his promises. He'll love the baby. He's perfect.
And yet, I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if Harry were still alive. I don't know why Harry asked Ron to marry me if he didn't come back, and I don't know why Ron accepted. I don't know why I accepted. But I know he wanted me to be happy.
Maybe marrying Ron is some sort of debt to Harry in my mind. It's what he wanted. But I still don't love Ron. No matter how much I tell myself that this is best, I still don't love him. And I still don't want to let Harry go.
The quidditch pitch is totally cleared now, all the students gone back to the castle on this blistery fall day. It's funny really, that I still don't know how to ride a broom properly, and I'll probably never learn. I don't think it would be the same for me as it was for Harry.
I wanted Harry. I needed him. He was my friend, my brother, my lover. He was so much more. He was the father of my child. He wasn't supposed to die. But he did. He died and left me here.
And Ron is trying so hard to take his place. Ron has always loved me. I know that, and there was a time when I would have felt capable of returning the feelings. But not anymore. He'd be better off without me. He deserves someone who could love him better, and take care of him. I'm not that person.
Ron is my closest friend, my most trusted ally, and the closest thing I have to a brother. But I can't marry him. But he's all I have left.
I take another ring out of my pocket and slip it on my right hand. This one is green, just like his eyes. Three little green stones on a silver band, with the inscription I love you woven around the band.
Simple, and yet so complicated.
Ron comes up behind me like I had predicted and sits down beside me. He's looking at me with a worried expression, but I'm still staring out into the field.
"Are you feeling okay?" He asks, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. I bring a hand to my stomach and rub gentle. Ron sees the ring.
I don't say anything and neither does he. He knows. And I think he always will. But that doesn't stop him from trying. Harry made him promise to take care of me, and that's what he's doing. He never breaks his promises.
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" He asks, dropping his hand. I don't answer for a long minute, and he sighs and stands to walk away.
But I grab his arm. "No, don't leave." I say quietly. He squeezes my hand and sits back down.
We stay that way for a long time, watching the pitch and listening to the breeze.
This is my life. And Ron loves me. But I wanted Harry.
Instead of the life I dreamed of with Harry, I settle for watching the leaves dance across the quidditch pitch on my wedding day, and pretending I see him flying.