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"It's a dud, it's a dud!" Billy kept shouting, and all of us laying cover underneath some rubble was looking at him. I barely remember Red shouting back at him to run, and at that time I was too stunned to think. Knowing Billy's personality, he was too sure that the bomb was indeed a dud to consider doing anything else. And when that bomb exploded, it didn't register as quick to me that Billy was dead. When the smoke cleared, Billy was gone and I kept looking around trying to find him, and when I saw bloody parts scattered around, it slowly dawned on me. The pain and horror gutted me, seeing someone who I spent all my military training with lying in burnt pieces around me. But I cant let it ruin my thinking, I have to keep a clear head and focus on the task at hand. I learned that the hard way while fighting at England.
"Danny let's go!" I grabbed Danny who wasn't as used to the gore and chaos of war as I am. He was still laying on the ground, staring with morbid confusion a the spot where Billy exploded. I had to use all my power to drag him up and I remember shaking some sense into him, "come on Danny get me into an airplane let's go" I had to give him something to focus on other than the chaos around us. Once you lose track of your surroundings, you're dead. Bombs kept exploding around us, bullets raining everywhere, cries of anguish and pain permeated the air, the ground was shaking so hard we could barely stand let alone run. My grip on Danny's arm never lessened, I had to make sure he was with me at all times. Another bomb exploded, this time it was too close and we all fell with the force of it. My ears were ringing and smoke clouded my vision but I only had one thought, where was danny? "DANNY! Goddammit DANNY WHERE ARE YOU" I kept shouting, I saw Red trying to gather his bearings and some other guys lay on the ground, not moving. "DANNY!" I couldn't find him, where was he? I looked around frantically, trying to swallow the panic I felt. When my gaze swung to the left, I finally saw him, trying to get up. At my peripheral vision I saw another zero looming close to where we are and I ran, I ran as fast as I could to him. All I could think about was getting to him as fast as possible, but my legs wouldn't cooperate and it was as if my body was filled with lead. I couldn't get to him fast enough, and on slow motion another bomb fell right on top of him.
"DANNNYYYYYYY!"
I jerked awake, covered in sweat. It was just another dream. They were coming more often now, and I know it's because Danny's death anniversary is today. I glanced at the clock, it was still 2 in the morning. I cant get back to sleep, not after a dream like that so I get out of bed as soundless as I can. Looking back at Evelyn, still deep in slumber I grab my pants and a jacket and quietly slip past the door. I look at little Danny's closed bedroom door and feel a pang of pain. I go down the stairs, grab the house keys and start for the car. The ride to the cemetery is quiet, the sun still not rising and the friendly chirps of birds are absent because of the early time. The clock on the dashboard glows 2:32 in the morning, and my car is the only car driving on the street right now. The cemetery is only a few minutes away, and when as I got out of the car the dewy coolness of the morning air chilled me, but I was already chilled to the bone 9 years ago and I never really thawed. I walked briskly, glancing at my surroundings now and then noticing that no one was around. It was always like this, dark, the cemetery barely lit with a few streetlights, the fog during dawn surrounding the grassy area like a blanket. It should have scared me, like it would to other people and yet I'm comforted with the cold solitude of this place. Here, I welcomed the sudden barrage of memories I try so hard to forget for 5 years. When I reached Danny's tombstone, I take my usual seat on the grass facing the stone and like I always do every year for this day, I slowly read the engraved words. "Danny Walker 1915-1942, Faithful and honorable." A simple epitaph that Danny would surely like, two words that describe the purity of his soul. It is today, 8 years ago that I lost my best friend, my partner, a part of my heart, my brother on the Doolittle raid. 8 years ago that he laid his life for me, and not a day went by that I haven't thought of him. Are you proud of me? Have I done right by you Danny? I try to be strong everyday, I try to keep the memories and the crippling pain that comes with it at bay, but today I cant. Where are you Danny? Are you happy? Little Danny looks just like you, and sometimes I almost can't stop myself from crying when I see his innocent eyes. Do you have the same dreams I do? I ask these questions, knowing that silence is the only answer I can have. I close my eyes and see images, images from 9 years ago on that fateful day of December 7, 1941 and the days and years that followed. I welcomed them, the pain that tore my heart when I learned about Danny and Evelyn's relationship, punching Danny square on the jaw, the earnest apology in his eyes that night, the first tremor on the ground during the first explosion, the smell of smoke and burning flesh constant in the air, the cries for help, billy exploding in front of our eyes, Danny and I flying side by side shooting down as many jap aircrafts as we could, doolittle's assignment, Evelyn's announcement that she was pregnant, and Danny's back when he shielded me from the Japanese who tried to shoot me. It was then that I wrenched my eyes open, gasping for the cool air, trying to inhale as much oxygen as I can. My head started to throb and I grasped the sides of my head trying in vain to keep my head together, and blinded by my tears I groped with my right hand to feel the cold stone of Danny's tomb.
"Rafe, I'm not gonna make it am i?" his trembling voice said. I gripped his vest tight with my right hand and I gently cradled his head with my left arm, trying to muster all my courage.
"yes you are, yes you are look at me Danny" his eyes swimming in and out of focus.
"I-I'm so cols rafe"
"You're alright Danny, you're alright"
"Rafe, can you do me a f-favor? Can you get someone else to write my name on my tomebstone?" his laugh was a mixed with a cry of pain and fear.
Doing what I always did when Danny started to lose focus during our military training and during the attack on Hawaii I tried to shake some sense into him.
"you listen to me, you're not gonna die you hear me?" he looked back blankly at me and fear seized my heart. All my years in military training and experiences in fighting back at England could not have prepared me for this. I had never been scared in my life as I was at that moment, I didn't know what to do. All I could think of was trying to keep Danny from giving up.
"Danny you can't die" I pleaded with all my heart. "You can't die, you know why? Because you're going to be a father Danny, you're going to be a father."
His eyes focused on me, hope brightening his bue-green irises. "I'm going to be a father?" then almost instantly his face crumpled in pain, and tears fell continuously from his eyes.
"No you are." He said with conviction, and then he became lifeless in my arms.
Fresh waves of pain ripped through me and I gripped his tombstone with both of my hands now, praying, begging, and trying to hold on to that last shred of sanity. It wasn't easy saying goodbye 8 years ago, and it still wasn't any better now. They said time heals all wounds, I don't know why my wounds are still as fresh as the day they were made. Could I have done anything to save him? What if I had never volunteered for the eagle squadron in England? Would that have made any changes? If I had told Danny that Evelyn was pregnant before going off to Doolittle's assignment, would he have stayed and lived? These unanswered questions remain unanswered for 8 years, and will remain unanswered for a lot more.
The sun is starting to rise, and the world is now filled with calm noises. Birds are chirping, a lawn mower is choking on grass nearby, and soon the sprinklers will start. I must have been sitting for 5 hours now. I got up, strangely devoid of any feeling. The drive home was filled with silence, and meaningless thoughts. I quietly opened the front door, trying to avoid waking anyone in the modest home but it was in vain because I heard someone rummaging in the kitchen. I walked in and saw Evelyn, staring blankly at the cup of coffee in her delicate hands. Evelyn's beauty is still as stunning at 33 as it was when I she was 24. Time and the war had not left a mark on her porcelain face, and you can only see that she went through a lot because of the silent strength and sadness in her eyes. As always, my heart skipped a beat when I see her. The war also left a gaping wound in our relationship, it wasn't the same 9 years ago. My death left her broken, and only Danny was able to put the pieces back together, and then he was gone too. When I got back, it's a lie if I said I didn't love her anymore but it's different like how a broken plate when put together is still different from the first one. I still feel the shadow of the past hovering over us, our mistakes and the consequences of our actions. When I see her, I see her and Danny. And then I'll feel bad because Danny is gone and I still feel that tiny betrayal. We tried, Sandra referred us to a good and capable therapist who was willing to work on couples going through problems. For a while it seemed to work, we were able to talk about things we did not dare talk about when it was just the two of us, we reached a new understanding of each other. But when that distance between us is growing smaller and smaller until it's a distance you can jump over and land on the other side safely, none of us want to make that jump. Because jumping would mean landing on uncharted land and Evelyn and I are just too afraid. Or maybe, jumping meant accepting, and we just didn't want to forget. Not yet.
"You went to the cemetery." There was no question in her voice, nor in her eyes. For the past 8 years, on Danny's death anniversary I get the worst nightmares and I drive to the cemetery to be alone with my thoughts. I thought at first that she had no clue, but during therapy she revealed that she always knew, and that she just let me have my solitude, because it gave me something she couldn't: release.
"Yeah. I had a bad one." I shrugged of my jacket and placed it on the table. Her eyes fell to the cup of coffee in her hands again.
"You should have woken me up." She placed the half full cup of coffee on the sink and walked away. I sighed. It wasn't this bad all the time, it's just worse today because of the date. I walk up the stairs and into little Danny's bedroom. He's awake, blinking sleepy blue eyes at me and smiled. My heart wrenched painfully in my chest. I see the same gap tooth smile Danny had when we were 8 years old.
- Still playing with this idea in my head. pls comment/review if you want a continuation. :) Thankyou!