"THE TRIP TO THE DENTIST"
Debra was at the table in the kitchen doing the bills when Ray entered to get something to eat. Ray looked in the refrigerator for about three minutes looking for something good when he pulled out a sandwich.
"Dinner's going to be ready soon." Debra told Ray as Ray was unwrapping the sandwich.
Ray looked at the sandwich, then at Debra, back at the sandwich, and then back at Debra with an undeceive face - he was afraid to choose between the two, Debra's cooking or a tasty sandwich that no one could resist. Ray finally choose the sandwich, and took a bite.
"Ow!" Ray yelled as he chewed the sandwich, and put his hand up to his mouth in pain.
Debra stopped what she was doing, and turned around to look at Ray.
"What?" Debra asked.
"My tooth!" Ray replied.
"Let me have a look." Debra said as she got up from her chair, and went over to Ray.
"Where does it hurt?"
"My tooth! What do you think, my groin?"
"I can make it hurt there if you want me to!"
"You leave my boys alone! I'm afraid you might try to 'cas-ter-trate- me one of these days, just like in that movie with the guy who was cheating on his wife!"
"What?" Debra asked.
"You know, that one you were watching on HBO the other night!"
"Oh, shut up!" Debra replied.
"Lemme see both your hands!"
"Shut up and let me take a look!" Debra yelled as she pulled Ray's mouth open.
"Which one hurts?" Debra asked.
"His eft un." Ray tried to reply.
"What did you say?"
"Tis eft on."
"I don't speak German, buddy." Debra replied.
Ray pulled away from Debra. "This left one!" Ray pointed at the tooth.
Debra looked inside Ray's mouth for a second or two.
"You probably have a cavity. You need to go to the dentist to check it out." Debra told Ray.
"The what?" Ray yelled as he backed away from Debra.
"The dentist, Ray. The dentist."
"No way in hell am I going back to that place! Haven't been there in four years, and I'm not going to go back now!"
"You need to have your teeth checked out, Ray."
"You remembered the last time I went there."
"Yeah, I do. That damn sexy nurse tried to hit on you!"
"No! Not that!" Ray started to smile.
"You better wipe that smile off your face before I DO castrate you!"
Ray stopped smiling.
"Anyway, you don't need to go back to that dentist. You can go to the one the kids go to." Debra told Ray.
"But...but...how come I can't go back to the other dentist?"
Debra went over to one of the kitchen drawers and pulled out a knife.
"Oh, that's why." Ray looked down at his groin. "Don't be scared of the mean lady I call my wife! She wouldn't actually do it!"
Debra took a step forward.
"Now be scared!" Ray ran out of the kitchen.
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Ray sat on a medium sized wooden block in the dentist waiting room full of little kids, and their parents. Two kids sat in chairs on each side of Ray, and were higher in the chairs then Ray was on the block.
Ray looked at one of the kids.
"Are the dentists good here?" Ray asked the kid.
The kid looked at Ray.
"Yeah. They give out lollipops."
"Which kind, the ones with the bubble-gum or the kind with the tootsie-roll?" Ray asked.
"Both." The kid replied.
Ray and the kid went silent.
"I like the bubble-gum kind. Because after the lollipop you get to chew the gum, you get more." Ray told the kid.
"That's nice." The kid replied.
"Hey, have you ever tried to count how many licks that it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" Ray asked the kid.
"I don't like lollipops. I give them to my sister. My daddy says that lollipops are bad for your teeth."
"Oh, your dad must be a right..." Ray stopped when he saw the kid staring at him.
"Never mind." Ray said as he turned to the other kid.
"Do you like it here?" Ray asked the other kid.
"Aren't you a little old to be coming to this dentist?" The other kid asked Ray.
"My wife's idea. My wife didn't want me being with all the sexy nurses around at the adult dentist. She threatened to 'cas-ter-trate' me." Ray told the kid.
The kid turned to his father and asked him what 'cas-ter-trate' meant.
"Where did you learn a nasty word like that, son?" The father asked.
"The man next to me daddy."
The father got up and looked at Ray in disgust.
"What the hell have you been teaching my kid you sicko?"
Ray fell off the block.
"Nothing! The truth! My wife threatened to 'cas-ter-trate' me if I went to the dentist with the sexy nurses!"
"That's castrate you stupid idiot!"
The father grabbed his kid and stormed out the door.
All the kids then turned around to their parents and asked them what 'cas-ter-trate' meant. The parents all looked at Ray in disgust as Ray got back onto the block.
"Now your kids know a little about human biology!"
The nurse came out and called for Ray. Ray slowly got up and faced the parents that were all looking at him and slowly backed into the offices.
Ray entered the dentist's office with the dentist.
"Good to see you again, Ray. It's been a long time." The dentist and Ray shook hands.
"Not long enough." Ray laughed.
"Where's the kids?" The dentist asked.
"Oh, no! It's not their time to come back yet. I was wondering if you could take a look at my teeth, today?"
"You know this is a children's only dentist?"
"Yeah, I know, but my wife doesn't want me going back to the dentist with all of the sexy nurses." Ray replied.
"Ah, the sexy nurses. They do a lot of business down at that dentist if you know what I mean!"
"Yes I do." Ray and the dentist started to laugh.
The two stopped laughing.
"So, could you take a look at my teeth?' Ray asked.
"Sure, why not, take a seat."
Ray looked at the small dentist chair, and went over to it. Ray tried to fit in the chair, but his knees went up to his chest. Ray started to fidget around to try to get comfortable. The dentist stared at Ray and smiled.
"Tight fit." Ray told the dentist. The two smiled.
The dentist moved the tray of instruments over to where Ray was sitting. As Ray fidgeted, he then knocked over the tray. The dentist, again, stared at Ray, and tried to smile.
"Sorry." Ray said.
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An hour later, Ray entered the kitchen with Debra talking on the phone, Robert and Amy sitting at the table, Marie sorting out the cupboards, and Frank scrounging for food. He took out a sandwich with one bite in it."Frank, put that down! Dinner's going to be ready soon!" Marie said.
Frank looked at the sandwich, then at Marie. He then threw the sandwich back into the refrigerator.
"Okay! Thank you!" Debra said as she hung up the phone. She then stared at Ray in disbelief.
"Hi to you, too." Ray responded.
"I can't believe you!" Debra yelled at Ray.
"What?" Ray asked.
"Yeah, what?" Robert asked, smiling.
"I just got a complaint from the dentist the kids go to saying that Ray over here told a seven year old the word castrate. Then made a mess in the dentist's office!" Debra yelled.
"He said what?" Robert asked in disbelief.
"Castrate." Debra replied.
"What?" Ray asked.
"I still can't believe you!" Debra said. Marie butted in.
"Why would you say a thing like that, especially to a seven year old.? Marie asked.
"Dad told us worse words than that when we were seven. Remember the visits to the lodge?" Ray told his mother.
"Frank! I can't believe you! Teaching my boys those types of words!"
"It was for their own good! They needed to know about human biology." Frank defended.
"How come I was never taught any of those words?" Robert asked.
"We thought you wouldn't have been able to take those words like a man, Nancy." Frank laughed.
Amy cuddled Robert.
"I won't be able to go back to that dentist ever again! I'll be humiliated!" Debra spoke.
"No you won't dear. How do you know that you're not already?" Marie asked.
Debra gave Marie a filthy look.
"Especially with those type of looks." Marie added.
"Damn dentist!" Ray yelled out.
"So you don't like the dentist, huh son? Do what I did! Get them removed and have these babies put in! No maintenance required!" Frank pulled out his false teeth then put them pack in.
"Oh stop it Frank!" Marie commanded.
"What?" Frank asked.
"I have a cavity!" Ray announced.
Robert got up from the chair he was sitting in, and went over to Ray.
"Oh, poor Raymond! Raymond's got a cavity! The whole world should just stop to comfort Raymond. Raymond...Raymond...Raymond..." Robert said sarcastically.
"Oh, stop it Robbie." Marie commanded as she went over to comfort Ray.
"How sweet! Raymond's got a hole in his tooth. Well I've had a hole in my heart for the last..." Robert was interrupted by Amy.
"Are you having an affair with me?" Amy asked.
"What? No! I meant I have a hole in my heart from my mother!" Robert tried to explain.
"Am I not good enough for you?" Amy asked.
"Never blame your mother Robbie!" Marie yelled.
Frank went over to Robert.
"So you're cheating on the broad, huh? Good for you! I wish I could of...oh wait..." Frank said.
Marie went over to Frank after hearing that.
"You've cheated on me, haven't you?" Marie asked Frank.
"Well after forty-seven years I think I need something new!" Frank replied.
"Who was it? It wasn't Harriet Lictman was it?" Marie asked. Frank smiled.
"Oh my god! It was! It was Harriet Lictman! That damn nazi! You know, I should leave you right now!" Marie yelled.
"It's about time! I'll help you pack." Frank responded.
"But I'm not! Till death do us part!" Marie yelled. Frank stopped smiling, but came up with something else to keep him smiling.
"How do you know she wasn't the only one?" Frank asked.
"I really should just leave you, but I'm staying just to torture you!" Marie yelled.
"Torture me all you want, but when we get home, there will be a surprise waiting for you...if I can only get unjammed and out of the chamber!" Frank yelled.
Marie the slapped Frank, and headed for the kitchen door. "I'll torture you! No dinner tonight!" Marie yelled as she stormed out.
"What? Marie wait!" Frank started to go after Marie, but stopped and ran to the refrigerator. He took out the sandwich, and then ran off for Marie.
The kitchen was silent. Amy then slapped Robert and ran out. Robert chased after her.
"Wait my schnuckums!" Robert yelled.
The kitchen, silent once more.
"Huh." Ray smiled. "We should really go on 'Family Feud'."
Debra smacked Ray.
"What was that for?" Ray asked.
"For hating the dentist you god-damn anti-dentite!" Debra yelled as she stormed out of the kitchen and went into the living room to go upstairs.
"Stupid dentist!" Ray yelled.
TO BE CONTINUED...